Hormonal imbalances
Body image issues
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t make my partner happy.
I have to hide how this makes me feel or I’ll lose him.
No one will want to be with me once they know the truth.
It’s better to just be alone.
If I can’t pleasure a woman, I have to prove my masculinity in other ways.
Sex is just a duty that must be performed.
I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship without sex.
I will never be whole.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Sexual intimacy with others
Emotional intimacy with others (since it often leads to sexual intimacy)
Rejection
Being a disappointment to their partner
That they will never view sex as anything but negative
Rituals that tend to lead to sex (a back rub, romantic dinners, specific cues from a partner, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Becoming abstinent to avoid pain or embarrassment
Turning to porn or other stimulants as a way of arousing oneself
Negative self-talk
Self-doubt that leaks over into other areas
Shutting down romantic advances from others
Isolating oneself
Dressing modestly to sidestep unwanted attention
Avoiding being naked in front of one’s partner
Sabotaging romantic relationships before they evolve to the point where sex becomes an option
Self-medicating when one anticipates a sexual encounter
Initiating sex but putting on the brakes when one is unable to perform
Faking one’s enjoyment during sex
Making excuses for why one isn’t interested in sex (fatigue, illness, having too much to do, etc.)
Talking negatively about sex so one’s partner isn’t surprised when one isn’t interested
Attempting to prove one’s worthiness in other ways
Seeking potential love interests who might also be uninterested in sex or unable to have it
Engaging in solitary sexual experiences
Becoming uncomfortable or evasive when friends talk about sex
Withdrawing from one’s partner as a way of avoiding sex (by not giving compliments that will encourage closeness, shunning physical contact, and becoming uncommunicative)
Focusing on meeting a partner’s other needs as a way of making up for not meeting sexual ones
Seeking medical or psychological help for one’s condition
Being honest with one’s partner about the struggle, hoping they’ll be supportive and cooperative
Desensitizing oneself to the specific thing one fears in an effort to overcome it
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, cautious, diplomatic, discreet, empathetic, independent, kind, loyal, nurturing, patient, perceptive, persistent, private, proactive, protective, quirky, supportive, tolerant, unselfish
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, cynical, dishonest, evasive, hypocritical, inhibited, insecure, macho, oversensitive, pessimistic, resentful, self-destructive, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A partner initiating sex after a long period of abstinence
Being unable to perform at a time when it’s very important to do so
A partner expressing dissatisfaction with the sexual relationship
Hearing others joke disparagingly about those with sexual dysfunction
Situational triggers tied to past sexual trauma (certain smells, a song, a location, etc.)
Seeing advertisements for sexual dysfunction products on television or online
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Having a partner who’s willing to work on the issue, but knowing one will be risking embarrassment or failure if one agrees
Finding a partner whose unconditional love means they will give up sex (offering one the choice of clinging to feelings of inadequacy or recognizing that one has value beyond sexual abilities)
Realizing that a fear of sex has robbed one of emotional intimacy, and wanting that to change
Feeling the tick of one’s biological clock and desiring to start a family
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES
EXAMPLES
Being extraordinarily shy
Struggling socially as a result of a condition like autism, ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder), OCD, social anxiety, or panic disorder
Being a social outcast due to the severity of one’s condition
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m a freak.
I don’t need friends. I’m happier on my own, anyway.
People will never accept me, so why try to fit in?
If I could just be normal, I’d be happy.
If I pretend to be like everyone else, they’ll accept me.
Being different is a curse.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Specific phobias or triggers (crowds, being touched, germs, etc.) associated with their condition
Losing control and embarrassing themselves in front of others
Being rejected or ridiculed
Awkwardness in conversation
Losing the people they feel comfortable with
Never finding love or true friendship
Misreading a situation and reacting inappropriately
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Having low self-esteem
Avoiding social situations
Avoiding eye contact with others
Adopting abrasiveness or other defensive traits that push people away
Staying on the outskirts of conversations rather than engaging in them
Responding nonverbally (smiling, nodding, shrugging)
Choosing solitary jobs
Participating in activities (like gaming or online chat groups) that provide more time to formulate responses
Preferring to stay home instead of going out
Becoming stressed or worried if one decides to attend an event or go out with friends
Not trying to build new friendships or relationships
Mistrusting the motives of others; expecting them to tease or bully
Hiding the behaviors that make one stand out (compulsions, tics, inappropriate responses, etc.)
Burying one’s feelings of hurt or anger and allowing them to build up inside
Withdrawing into oneself and becoming generally uncommunicative with others
Believing the misconceptions of others (that one is rude, self-centered, irresponsible, unkind, etc.)
Clinging to the friends and family one is comfortable with
Mimicking others in an effort to blend in
Engaging in negative self-talk for one’s difficulty navigating social situations
Fantasizing about social interactions where one responds appropriately and is accepted by others
Abusing drugs or alcohol as a means of coping
Giving in to peer pressure so one will be accepted
Scorning other marginalized people
Only attending social events when a friend is present
Getting involved in social media where one can connect with less pressure
Pouring oneself into work or hobbies
Reaching out to other marginalized people
Seeking help to overcome social difficulties (through therapy, support groups, medication, etc.)
Focusing on interests where one excels
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, courteous, creative, diplomatic, empathetic, focused, friendly, imaginative, independent, industrious, just, merciful, obedient, pensive, private, quirky, resourceful, studious, talented
Flaws: Antisocial, callous, catty, childish, evasive, frivolous, hostile, inhibited, irrational, jealous, know-it-all, lazy, martyr, needy, nervous, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, uncommunicative
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being told by a friend that she would rather stay home, then discovering that she went out with others
Experiencing social rejection as an adult like one did as a child
Not being invited to an event (even if it’s only an oversight)
Being mocked or teased
Freezing up in a social situation
Feeling rejected when a friend abruptly cancels their plans
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Upon losing a “wing man,” one is forced to face a difficult social situation alone
After a lifetime of isolation, a traumatic event makes one realize the need for connection with others
Discovering that one’s differences are a benefit rather than a detriment in a particular situation
An awkward interaction with a potential love interest produces a choice: continue to struggle and remain isolated or face one’s difficulties and come to grips with them
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FAILURES AND MISTAKES
ACCIDENTALLY KILLING SOMEONE
EXAMPLES
Driving a car in which a passenger, pedestrian, or cyclist is killed
Unknowingly serving food to someone who’s highly allergic to it
A child consuming a fatal dose of medication while in one’s care
A child drowning in one’s pool or tub
Killing someone while impaired
Instigating a prank or dare that goes wrong
Campfire carelessness that leads to fatalities
A boating or Jet Ski accident
Peer pressure that ends in an unintentional death (e.g., pushing drinks on a friend who later dies of alcohol poisoning)
The mishandling or misfire of a weapon or firearm
Home protection incidents, such as shooting at an intruder and hitting a family member
Poor home maintenance (stairs collapsing, someone falling through a rotten floor, etc.)
Hitting someone too hard in a fight
Selling or giving a friend a bad batch of drugs
A sports-related accident
Malfunctioning equipment, such as one’s tanning booth electrocuting a client
Horseplay between kids that turns deadly
A police officer killing a bystander in the line of duty
Bumping a friend who falls from a high balcony or ledge
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
It should have been me.
I am a terrible and worthless person.
I do not deserve to be happy, safe, or loved.
I do not deserve a child of my own when I caused the death of another person’s child.
I am only capable of hurting people.
I cannot be trusted with responsibility of any kind.
People will hate me if they know what I did.
I should suffer for the pain I caused.
I can never fix what I did, no matter how hard I try.
It would be better for everyone if I was dead too.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Making another mistake that takes someone’s life
Responsibility; making decisions that impact others
Losing control (if irresponsible behavior led to the death)
Things not being safe enough (if disrepair or a lack of safety protocol was involved)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Paranoia or obsession regarding circumstances that led to the death (installing safety railings everywhere to avoid someone falling, not allowing one’s children near water, etc.)
Over-preparing (e.g., researching dangers tied to a location and packing for a trip accordingly)
Avoiding positions of power and responsibility so one can’t screw things up again
PTSD symptoms (flashbacks, anxiety, depression, etc.)
Avoiding friends, family, or the public at large
Not chasing one’s dreams because one feels unworthy
Punishing oneself by giving up the things one loves
Taking risks due to the belief that one has no value
Taking risks in hopes death will occur so one may atone for the mistake
Drinking or using drugs to cope
Blaming others for what happened rather than accepting one’s role
Avoiding situations and people tied to the event
Being hyperaware of potential danger and safety issues
Choosing to stay close to home most of the time
Becoming a helicopter parent or being overprotective of loved ones
Hiring professionals rather than attempting do-it-yourself repairs
Keeping one’s vehicle, home, etc. in top shape
Having well-stocked medical supplies and working fire extinguishers
Taking safety training, CPR, or other life skill courses to be prepared in the case of an accident
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, appreciative, cooperative, disciplined, empathetic, focused, generous, gentle, honest, honorable, humble, independent, inspirational, loyal, mature
Flaws: Addictive, apathetic, cowardly, defensive, fanatical, humorless, impulsive, indecisive, inhibited, irresponsible, martyr, morbid, obsessive, oversensitive, reckless
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Hearing about a similar accidental death on the news or in one’s community
Important life milestones for the victim (the anniversary of their death, their birthday, the day they would have graduated from high school, etc.)
Running into a family member of the victim
Experiencing a near-miss similar to the accident (e.g., almost crashing one’s car during a rainstorm)
A loved one being involved in an incident that could have turned deadly
Someone being injured on one’s property
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Wanting to support a close friend or family member who accidentally hurt or killed someone
A close friend or family member being accidentally killed
The family of the victim filing a wrongful death lawsuit
Being placed in a situation where one has to kill to protect oneself
A situation where one is responsible for another person and must act to keep them alive
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEARING THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MANY DEATHS
NOTES: Not all people who are responsible for the deaths of others will have this wound—only those who feel remorse.
EXAMPLES
Soldiers and military leaders
People in charge of a country’s security (the United States’ FBI and CIA, for example)
Pilots who drop bombs on populated areas
Scientists who create weapons for bioterrorism or mass destruction
Violent cult members who kill frequently because of their beliefs
Fringe military groups and extremists that carry out kidnappings, violence, and genocide
Serial killers and spree murderers
Factory owners who knowingly pollute the environment, causing human and animal deaths
Assassins and violent criminals
Death row technicians
Executives and employees of insurance companies that deny health coverage
An airline pilot, train engineer, bus driver, etc. involved
in a crash that causes many deaths
A drunk driver who causes a large-scale accident
Maintenance workers cutting corners that result in deaths (e.g., faulty carbon monoxide monitors being installed in an apartment building)
Those responsible for mass animal deaths (avid hunters, scientists who experiment on animals, slaughterhouse technicians, veterinarians that euthanize unwanted animals, etc.)
People who work in fur farms or other animal-product industries
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can never make up for what I did.
I am a monster.
People will hate me if they find out what I caused.
I don’t deserve forgiveness, only punishment.
I should have known what was going to happen and tried to prevent it.
If I had made a better decision, people would still be alive.
I can’t trust my own judgment.
No good can balance such evil.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Judgment after death
Judgment by others
Their secret getting out
Being in a position of responsibility that will determine life or death for others
Failure and mistakes that put lives at risk
Having their ideas, work, inventions, etc. corrupted and used to bring about more death
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
PTSD symptoms (insomnia, depression, anxiety, flashbacks, etc.)
Pulling away from family and friends
Living off the grid; separating oneself from society and avoiding people in general
Punishing oneself by denying the things that bring happiness
Thinking of or attempting suicide
Self-medicating through drugs or alcohol
Refusing to care for oneself
Bankrupting oneself through charity donations in an effort to right one’s wrong
Researching one’s victims as a way to add to the torture and guilt one feels