Junie B., First Grader: Aloha-ha-ha!, Page 3

  “ALOHA-HA-HA, PEOPLE! ALOHA-HA-HA!” I hollered. “WE'RE IN HAWAII! WE'RE IN HAWAII!”

  After that, I ran to the window. And I looked at all the water.

  “Let's go to the pool! Let's go to the pool!” I hollered again.

  Mother and Daddy sat up and yawned. Then they looked at each other. And they flopped back on their pillows again.

  Old people on vacation are not that fun.

  I did a big breath at those two.

  Then I went to their bed. And I jiggled them some more till they got up. Then finally, they got dressed. And we went to a restaurant for breakfast.

  And YIPPEE! YIPPEE! HOORAY!

  RIGHT AFTER WE ATE, IT WAS TIME FOR THE POOL!

  Only here is the happiest part of all!

  On our way to the pool, we passed a gift-shop window. And I saw the cutest swim ring in the whole entire world!

  “Mother! Daddy! Look at that swim ring! It looks exactly like a parrot! See it? See it? Isn't it cute? Huh? Isn't it?”

  The gift-shop lady heard me being gushy.

  She took the swim ring out of the window. And she handed it to me.

  “It's the last one we have,” she said.

  I jumped up and down very urgent.

  “The last one! The last one! Can I have it, Mother? Can I have it, Daddy? Please? Please? Please?” I said. “If you buy me this swim ring, I won't ask for one other thing! Not for this whole entire trip!”

  Mother and Daddy looked suspicious at me.

  ’Cause that was a fib, of course.

  “But you don't even need a swim ring, Junie B.,” said Daddy. “You learned how to swim two years ago.”

  “Exactly,” said Mother. “Plus this swim ring is way too small for you, honey. It's meant for children much younger than you are.”

  I jumped up and down some more.

  “But I know I can fit in this thing, Mother. I just know I can! I am thin as a noodle!”

  I folded my hands real begging.

  “Please, can I have it? Please, please, please?”

  Daddy ran his fingers through his hair.

  That is a good sign, usually.

  Then finally, he took my parrot swim ring. And he gave the gift lady some money.

  I hugged and hugged him very happy.

  “Thank you, Daddy! Thank you! Thank you! You are the nicest daddy in the whole entire world!”

  After that, I skipped to the pool with my parrot swim ring. And I tried to put it on. But it was way too tight to fit.

  Daddy watched what I was doing.

  “It looks like your mother was right, Junie B.,” he said. “That swim ring is much too small.”

  “No, it isn't, Daddy. I know I can fit into this parrot,” I said. “I am positive I can.”

  I thought for a second.

  Then I walked to the edge of the pool. And I dropped my swim ring in the water.

  And KERSPLASH!

  I jumped through the middle!

  And what do you know?

  I squeezed right in!

  I clapped and clapped real thrilled.

  “SEE, MOTHER? SEE, DADDY?” I called. “I TOLD YOU I COULD FIT IN THIS THING! I TOLD YOU!”

  I took a breath.

  “IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT TIGHTISH AROUND MY MIDDLE. BUT I THINK I CAN STILL BREATHE … POSSIBLY.”

  I pushed away from the edge. And I kicked to the other side.

  “DID YOU SEE ME SWIM OVER HERE, MOTHER? ARE YOU WATCHING ME, DADDY? THIS PARROT IS SPEEDY FAST!”

  My stomach did a wince.

  “ALSO, I AM IN SEVERE PAIN!” I shouted.

  After that, I hurried up out of the pool. And I rushed to Mother speedy quick.

  “Please get this off of me, right exactly now! ’Cause this thing is squeezing my insides in half!” I said.

  And so she and Daddy tried to wiggle it off of me. But the parrot didn't budge itself.

  I sucked in my tummy as skinny as it would go.

  Then all of us pushed and pulled. And yanked and tugged. And twisted and stretched. Plus also, I jumped up and down.

  After that, I panicked and shouted.

  “I'M STUCK IN MY PARROT! I'M STUCK IN MY PARROT! 911! I'M STUCK IN MY PARROT!”

  Everyone turned around to look.

  “Shh!” said Daddy. “Stop shouting!”

  Then he quick found the air plug.

  And he opened it up.

  And WHOOSH!

  My parrot's air came rushing out!

  Soon my stomach could breathe again.

  “AHHH … better,” I said. “Thank you, Daddy. Thank you.”

  I waited till all the air was out. Then I headed back to the pool.

  Mother snapped her fingers at me.

  “Whoa, wait a minute. You can't go in the pool like that, Junie B. We still need to get that swim ring off of you,” she said. “You stay here. And I'll go get my scissors.”

  I raised up my eyebrows at that word.

  “Scissors?” I said.

  “Yes,” said Mother. “I can cut that swim ring off of you in no time.”

  I let that information sink in.

  Then, all of a sudden, my eyes got big and wide.

  “NO, MOTHER! NO!” I shouted. “DON'T CUT MY PARROT OFF! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! IT DOESN'T EVEN HURT ANYMORE! I PROMISE! I PROMISE!”

  Next to us, a grandpa did a frown. Plus his wife did a frown, too.

  “For heaven's sake. What kind of mother would cut a little girl's parrot?” said the grandpa.

  “I don't know, Ed,” said the grandma. “But it sure don't seem right.”

  Mother stood there kind of frozen.

  Then she and Daddy picked up our pool towels. And we moved to different lounge chairs.

  After that, Mother sat back down again. And she said she wouldn't get the scissors.

  “Yay!” I said. “Yay! Yay!”

  Then I jumped in the water. And I started to paddle.

  “Look, Mother! Look! I'm still wearing my parrot! And it's not even squeezing my stomach!” I shouted. “Flatso parrots are perfectly comfortable.”

  I swam underwater to the end of the pool.

  “THIS PARROT IS WORKING OUT BEAUTIFULLY!” I called again.

  The grandma started to clap.

  “Good for you! You showed her, didn't you?” she yelled.

  Mother sat there a minute. Then she got up and moved our towels again.

  I named my parrot Squeezer.

  Squeezer was a flatso. But he was still fun to play with.

  We swam and swam the whole entire day.

  When it was time to leave, I gave my camera to Mother. And I asked her to take our picture for my photo-journal album.

  “This will be a picture of my first new friend in Hawaii,” I said.

  I held up Squeezer's flatso head. And both of us said cheese.

  Only too bad for me. Because just then, two boys walked by. And they pointed and laughed at flatso Squeezer.

  “Duh, you're supposed to blow it up, doofus girl,” said one of them.

  The smile went off my face.

  Mother snapped the picture.

  Click-click.

  I put down my pencil. And I waited for Mother and Daddy to get up.

  Those two have lazy bones. Only I am not allowed to jiggle them awake anymore. Or else Mother turns out cranky.

  I kept waiting real patient for their eyes to open.

  Then finally, I tippytoed next to Daddy. And I blew air in his face.

  He opened one eyeball.

  I waved very pleasant.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said. “Look. I am already dressed for breakfast.”

  Daddy closed his eyeball.

  I opened it up again.

  “Whoops. I lost you there for a second,” I said. “Don't you want to see what I'm wearing today?”

  I stepped back so he could see my clothes. Then I twirled all around like a fashion girl.

  “See me, Daddy? See how cute I loo
k? I picked out an outfit to go with Squeezer's flatso parrot head. He looks very cute with these shorts, don't you think? He looks like a parrot belt … kind of.”

  I skipped around in a circle.

  “I'm glad that Mother didn't cut him off,” I said. “He wasn't even uncomfortable to sleep in, hardly.”

  After that, me and Squeezer climbed on the bed. And we sat on Mother's legs until she woke up.

  It did not actually take that long.

  Then yippee, hurray! All of us went down to breakfast. And Mother said I could order pineapple-and-coconut pancakes! And that is just like eating dessert, I tell you!

  The waitress looked at me and Squeezer.

  She did a little chuckle.

  “Wow, you already have your swim ring on, huh?” she said. “All you have to do is blow him up, and you're all set to go.”

  I did a frown at that comment.

  “Yeah, only I can't actually blow him up, or else he squeezes the life out of me,” I said.

  The waitress stopped smiling.

  “Oh,” she said. “Oh my.”

  Then she took our order. And she backed away from the table real slow.

  After breakfast, Daddy had to go on his job interview. And so me and Mother went to the pool while we waited for him.

  Then—as soon as he got back—hurray! It was time to go snorkeling!

  After everyone was ready, we got in the car. And we drove to a special snorkel beach.

  That word made me laugh in the car. I said it a million times, I think.

  “Snorkel,” I said. “Snorkel, snorkel, snorkel. I'm going to snorkel! Here is a snorkel poem.”

  I took a breath.

  “Snorkel, snortle, snootle, noodle, snorkel, snartle, snarkle.”

  Mother turned around.

  “Please stop it,” she said.

  She took an aspirin.

  Mothers do not appreciate poetry, apparently.

  Pretty soon, Daddy pulled into a beach parking lot. And he carried our snorkel stuff to the water.

  Mother helped me on with my swim fins.

  Swim fins look exactly like frog feet. Except for they are not on an actual frog.

  It is hard to walk in frog feet. You have to lift your feet way high in the air, like you are marching in a band. Except for frogs don't march in a band, usually. On account of most of them don't play an instrument.

  After I put on my frog feet, I put on my face mask and snorkel snout.

  A snorkel snout is the giant hose that you breathe with.

  Then Daddy took me into the water. And we tightened my face mask.

  And ta-daa!

  I was ready to go!

  I floated on top of the water. And I breathed through my snorkel snout.

  I did very good with my breathing. ’Cause I already practiced this activity in the pool, that's why!

  Only wowie wow wow!

  I could not believe the view!

  I raised up real excited.

  “THE OCEAN BOTTOM IS WAY PRETTIER THAN THE POOL BOTTOM!” I hollered. “YOU CAN SEE CLEAR AS A BELT DOWN THERE!”

  Mother and Daddy smiled. Then Daddy said to please use my soft voice.

  “Snorkeling is a quiet sport, Junie B.,” he said. “We don't want to bother the other snorkelers, okay? So the word of the day is quiet. Got it?”

  “GOT IT!” I said. “THE WORD IS QUIET!”

  After that, I put on a snorkel vest to help me float. And I held on to a kickboard. And I swam with Mother and Daddy to a special snorkel spot.

  Frog feet help you swim speedy fast.

  Even if you're swimming in a flatso parrot, you can still be speedy.

  After we got there, I put my head in the water again. And my eyes popped out of my head!

  The fish were beeeauuutiful, I tell you!

  There were yellow ones! And blue ones! And orange ones! And silver ones! And black ones! And white ones! And spotted ones! And striped ones!

  My heart pounded at the sight of them.

  I raised my head and pulled out my snorkel snout.

  “HEY! THIS IS JUST LIKE SWIMMING IN THE FISH TANK AT MY SCHOOL!” I said.

  Daddy quick put his finger to his lips. And he pointed to the other snorkelers.

  “Shh! The word of the day is quiet, remember?” he said.

  I tried to calm my voice. Only it kept on staying loud.

  “YEAH, ONLY I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE THIS EXCITED!” I said. “IT'S HARD TO CONTROL MY THRILL!”

  After that, I looked at the beautiful fishes some more.

  I smiled and smiled inside my head.

  It was just like being in a fish zoo!

  Only just then, a little bit of trouble happened.

  And it's called, I spotted a stick behind a rock.

  And then GULP!

  The stick started to move!

  And GASP!

  OH NO, OH NO!

  THE STICK SWAM AWAY!

  ’Cause it wasn't even a STICK, that's why!

  It was …

  “AN EEL! AN EEL! I SPOTTED AN EEL!” I screamed. “911! 911!! EEL SPOTTING! EEL SPOTTING! HELP! HELP! HELP!”

  Some of the other snorkelers popped up their heads.

  Then Daddy popped up his head, too.

  “Shh, Junie B.! Shh! There's nothing to worry about. I promise,” he said. “That eel is perfectly harmless.”

  I quick ducked down again.

  ’Cause I had to keep track of the eel, of course!

  Then WHOA! WAIT! HOLD THE PHONE!

  Something even worse was floating my way!

  And it's called …

  “JELLYFISH! A JELLYFISH IS COMING!

  AND THAT THING IS AS BIG AS A BARN, I TELL YOU!”

  After that, I quick turned around!

  And I kicked for the beach as hard as I could! And I didn't stop till I got there.

  Then I ran out of the water.

  And I tripped on my frog feet.

  And I fell over in the sand.

  I rested there to take a breather.

  “Breathe,” I said to my poundy heart. “Breathe, breathe, breathe.”

  Just then, I heard sloshing feet.

  I opened one eye.

  It was Daddy.

  His face did not look pleasant.

  I waved my fingers very nervous.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said. “I am fine. Only I turned out to be afraid of jellyfish, apparently. So I swam to the beach. And then I tripped on my frog feet. And now I am resting comfortably in the sand.”

  I thought for a second.

  “Also, I did not care for the eel.”

  Just then, Mother came hurrying out of the water.

  She looked as grouchy as Daddy.

  I waved again.

  “Good to see you both,” I said.

  Daddy did a mad frown.

  “This isn't a joking matter, young lady. You were supposed to stay with Mother and me,” he said. “Don't you ever pull a stunt like that again. Do you understand?”

  All of a sudden, my eyes got tears in them.

  “But … but I didn't even mean to pull a stunt, Daddy. I just got scared. And I started to kick. And I didn't even know I would do that.”

  My nose started to sniffle very much.

  “Sorry, Daddy. Sorry, Mother. Sorry I got scared.”

  Mother and Daddy looked at each other.

  They didn't seem as mad anymore.

  Mother sat down next to me.

  “We're not mad at you for being scared, honey,” she said. “We're upset because you swam away from us. You should never, ever swim alone in the ocean.”

  I sighed very glum.

  “I turned out to be a chicken,” I said. “I am a chicken of the ocean.”

  Mother smiled and ruffled my hair.

  “I think you mean chicken of the sea,” she teased.

  Then she and Daddy did a chuckle.

  Only I don't actually know why.

  After that, we walked back
to the car.

  My camera was in the backseat.

  “Phooey. I still have to take a dumb snorkel picture for my assignment,” I said. “I thought today's picture would be cute. But these photos just keep getting stupider and stupider.”

  I handed Mother the camera.

  Then both of us walked back to the sand to take another dumb picture.

  She blew a little bit of air in Squeezer to make him look more lively.

  Then I posed as good as I could.

  And click-click.

  I closed my journal. And I did a huff.

  “This stupid dumb bus trip is taking forever,” I grumped.

  Mother and Daddy rolled their eyes.

  ’Cause we hadn't actually left the parking lot yet.

  I kept on grumping.

  Then finally, finally, finally … the bus door closed. And we started to go.

  A man in the front seat picked up a microphone.

  “ALOOOOHAAAA!” he hollered.

  All of the bus people sat there real silent.

  Then a few of them said aloha back at him … only way quieter.

  The man laughed. “Oh, come on. You can do better than that!”

  “ALOOOOHAAAA!” he hollered again.

  And so this time more people said it. But they still weren't loud enough for him, I guess. Because we went through that same nonsense five more times.

  I tapped on Mother. “This guy is getting on my nerves,” I said.

  “Shh,” she said back.

  I looked at Squeezer. “Being shushed is getting on my nerves, too,” I said.

  The man kept talking.

  He said his name is Donald. And he will be our nature guide today.

  I did a sigh.

  “Little children do not like nature,” I said.

  Donald kept on blabbing. He said we were on our way to a beautiful rain forest. And we will see some of the most spectacular scenery in the world.

  I covered my face.

  “Little children hate spectacular scenery,” I said.

  Donald went on. He said we will see gorgeous flowers and magnificent trees and beautiful birds of all colors.

  I did a loud groan.

  “Can this situation get any boringer?” I said.

  An old man in front of me heard me say that.

  He peeked his head over the seat real friendly.

  He said his name was Harold. And he was “eighty-eight years young.”

  “When you get to be my age, spectacular scenery is as exciting as it gets,” he said.

  I sighed again. “That's not much to look forward to, Harold,” I said.