Requiem: Cloud of thoughts that rained ink unto paper., Page 3

I am trying to remember those in the past. Those in the myths. Who shared my destiny. People who tried to fight, but it was never meant for them to win. Destined to fail and destined for misery.

  It is misery. My misery. I should say. I am stuck in the middle of the way and I don't know what to do. I will never go back, just because I am not a quitter. I might be a failure but I am not a quitter. I fight. Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't think I quiet know, but I wasn't programmed to quit.

  Although I am still sure, I'll end up meeting my destiny. My misery and the tears.

  It is as if it knows my address and my phone number. The weird thing I know it's coming. And what do I do?, I wait. I put on my clothes and wait.

  I am not a happiness seeker. I fear happiness because I got to know how temporary it is. I learned nowadays that it is tied in the legs with sadness. So when you meet happiness, make a space to sister sadness around. She might be a little bit late. But she's coming.

  I might end up winning the battle. But be sure. It will be the price I know I have to pay. I'll meet my victory together with my destiny.I'll end up the victor. The miserable victor, swimming in my new conquered blue seas. And what sad color blue is. 

  Even if destiny will let me loose for a while, being happy even for a little while, celebrating my gains. I know I'll meet it again.

  So sister sadness who will land ashore. When it's time to meet her long time friend. That's me. Do you know who I am? I am the destiny. Her destiny.

  White Flag

  I spent a huge part of my life caring about what others might think of whatever I get to do or say. It was always something important for me. Maybe that's how I was built. I moved on with my life, one stage into another, but I kept this glance on the people around me. What do they might think of me now, I'd say.

  People are built in different ways, I don't understand them. When it comes to the ability to communicate with others I do suck big time. Whatever I do, Whatever I have in mind, goes on the opposite direction with others.

  I always reached the conclusion that maybe because I am different. Because In every setting I had to be in through my life, I had different thoughts and beliefs which would not appeal to every body around.

  We can assume that now during the 21st century, we're obliged to enjoy the diversity, celebrate it, the way many campaigns shout out nowadays. But in fact, diversity never had so much menace through out the history of our lives. With the communication revolution throughout the eighties and nineties, with the introduction of the internet and mobile communication gadgets, the world which was nothing more than different tiny worlds attached through a light string; one to another, where whatever happens here can never reach there, and if it does succeed then with plenty of deformation and changes. This world does not exist any more.

  Today, instant knowledge of every tiny detail can be easily transferred to the other end of the world. Even with the most tyrant regimes, socialization and globalization have set foot into our lives and cultures from different parts of the world tend to mix. Or not.

  What I get to see, is that we human beings had that strange stance against such a mix, especially when we get to talk about beliefs and thoughts. Yes Toyota cars have a very good market in the U.S., and the Japanese enjoy playing baseball. Yes, we Egyptians wear Jeans and designer wear, and many westerners would enjoy having summer trips to Sharmelsheik or Hurgadah.

  But still when we come to real communication about our different cultures, embracing other ideas take the position of taboos. I am not calling for us to get rid of our heritage and embrace others, on the contrary.

  But I wish we can get to embrace others, hear them out, maybe we find out that they are right. And if not, if I don't like these new ideas, well it's my right to do that together with the counterpart's right to embrace his own ideas, and why not respect each other, and respect these different ideas.

  I do lack communication skills. That was my diagnosis by most of the people I differed with in recent years. But again I live for my ideas, I like to take them out and live them. I asked for this, and I wasn't successful and here I had different reactions, some of them were wrong. Because you can't ask me to lay down and accept whatever it is I am being told. I wasn't built like that.

  The few times I've been abroad. I found out huge differences in the way we live and the way we think. I faced dislike and disapproval from others just for generalized views about an Arab and a Muslim. But what I tried to do then is let them see me, not the Arab and Muslim in me. Because when it comes to ethnicities and religions, these are things that should be kept inside us. No one should be held as a sample of either criteria. Some people took me for who I am, for my ideas; the westernized, and the oriental parts, the Muslim brought up in catholic schools and culture, the diversity hungry, the product of mix of cultures. Some others took me for granted; the Arab and Muslim that they saw in me.

  The thing is that the troubles I had at the time were way less than these I have back home. Because people out there in the West got to learn to live with those who speak different languages, the blacks, the homosexuals, the women, the jews..etc. Yes, all these minorities suffered a lot in the past. But in the time being, some improvement took place in the fields of human rights. I have reservations on some points but still people minds are somehow more advanced than ours when it comes to this.

  I am not talking here about political stances, or regime directions. I am simply talking about our personal point of view about others, in the fields of self determination and the right to live the way every individual chooses.

  I might not like some of these different ideas, but in this case, what I am looking for is to respect this person's right to have his own choice. I can reserve my choice of not wanting to interact with that, and in this case I should move away, but the idea of changing this other or forcing him to change is incomprehensible and unacceptable.

  I think we exert lots of efforts concentrating on others. When life is too short for that, It's even too short for one to accomplish his dreams and goals, and to live life to the fullest. Yet, we spend most of the time thinking about this and that, and why did he do this and that and how can I force him not to do this and that.

  I have to go back to the point about my communication skills, because I had my share in wrong doings too. I also wanted others to accept my way of thinking and my methods of functioning, when I was just like a tiny sardine in a tank full of sharks. That was stupid. If I wanted to survive, I guess, I should play cool with the sharks for a while. I will not back down, but at least I shouldn't bite.

  Kingdom Animalia

  A pause poses itself in my mind while my computer screen keeps the blinking cursor in its same exact place for a while. I am looking at the title I gave to what I am about to write. Most of the times, the title shows up in the end or even a little bit after I have finished whatever it is the collection of words turns out to be.

  But the title "Kingdom Animalia" was also the first thing that came to my mind in our way back home from a family outing together with my parents and brother. Maybe it's been a long time since I had a ride from the viewer's seat in Cairo circus of streets. Being the driver makes you part of the game controllers, the story tellers and even the monkey trainers if I might say. And that takes away the beauty of meditation and looking around and watching how things work in our capital and in a bigger scale our lives and selves.

  So with me in the back seats listening to my dad losing his temper and shouting at this and that, and me looking at what has just happened, not believing what other people has just done. The huge resemblance struck my mind. It's not about the way we drive. It's about the way we live. It's about the way we think we should lead our lives. And about the concept of liberty we have. And about the reason I want to book the first one way ticket out and never ever, EVER come back.

  Animals are just animals, they live the simplest ways of life. I don't want to go into biological dilemmas talking about the protozoae and plants ,
etc. But I am talking about the dynamic, conscious and sexually reproductive types of lives we have in common with the remaining members of the kingdom in which we represent the top peak of the hierarchy of the evolution.

  So the non human-animals walk around, simply eating whatever they can get, then they sleep wherever they can hide. Mate with whomever they find, wherever and whenever. And they can defecate right in the middle of anywhere in front of their counterparts and beyond any shadow of a doubt they have no shame in that. They run around naked, they have no shame in that. They start eating each other when famine strikes, they have no shame in that. They can take what is not theirs and can be lazy all day round and then take what was someone else's prize of hard work, and yet they have no shame in that.

  I believed that Human beings only difference should have been the good comprehension of manners and most of all the sense of what the word liberty means. Apparently I took that for granted. I was wrong.

  We have no manners. We were not brought up to have manners. We are simply animals all the way. So when we see how we drive, fucking this person right next to me by nosing my car's trunk in front of his, crossing the way on that other one, double parking and coming through a tight street although we saw it's gonna be a blind end because there's another car is coming in the other direction. The way we turn up the flashlights so others can not see, the daily quarrels and honking and swearing and the traffic jams we create because our fucked up minds keep telling us that if you fucking seized the fucking 5 centimeters that showed up in front of us is actually considered a conquest. So we end up in cars arranged in stalemate very similar to the crosswords in the daily newspapers.

  Driving is only an example. Let's talk Housing, so the water pump in the building is not working anymore and everybody has to share. Wait a minute, Not everybody. Because this and that have already bought water tanks. And this and that live in the 1st floor and they won't need water pumps most of the time, they have no problem wiping their asses with "Kleenex" when the water is not there, much better than having to pay few pounds with everybody and saving a problem. The same with the lift. And here comes an invention, a lift with a key to prevent Mr. X in the fourth floor to use it because he didn't pay his share in it, and still he wants to use it one way or another. Ending up by the electricity bill and the water bill and the doorman's salary.

  In our work places, working hard is not enough, trying to follow a system is not enough. Everybody wants his work done even if that would mean that people have to die. So no problem to yell at someone because he didn't lick our blue royal butts, even if we know that he was busting his ass off at work. You might be doing what any sane person think is the best in a given situation, taking in a consideration the screwed up conditions, the drained resources and the filthy recommendations that give the best chances only to those who are tipped and never those who deserve it, and yet you find yourself guilty as charged for not being able to split yourself into two halves, being there doing something and being there kissing butts. 

  Animals live like that, we only had a difference of choice. Apparently we chose this type of lives. Living like our under-evolved family or kingdom members. Eating, drinking, sleeping, mating, pissing, taking a dump, working, not working: anywhere, anytime. We have the liberty to do that, as we can do that. So why not.

  The lack of the need to jump into this last step is void. It's easy but we chose not to do it. Hence, we'll remain wherever we chose to be. 

  Maybe, a thousand years from now we can go back on the other side of the ladder and start reproducing by budding or by binary fission or any other ways of asexual reproduction.

  For the time being we'll have to survive the stinking life we want to lead, and get used to it. I have to get used to the mad people driving, the mad people back home, and the mad people I have to deal with everyday. It's my destiny. My white flag is up. I surrender to your will, our will. I only think I won't still be running around naked down the street, that's the only human part I'll keep.

  Bedtime Story

  Once upon a time, in the lands beyond all the seas and oceans. Beyond, beyond the furthest continents, where the skies were always clear and the stars were always bright, where the sun brought nothing but warmth and happiness.

  Lived the duke of Fairland, His majesty Duke Allegro. Allegro was a wise person who brought happiness, justice and delight among all the corners of the vast lands of Fairland. He had these two beautiful wives, the kindhearted and beautiful Angelica, and the wicked cold blooded Damiana. Allegro also had two fair sons, Prince Leo; The son of kind Angelica, and Prince Theo; The son of wicked Damiana.

  It was only the strike of death that brought an end, to the happy life of Duke allegro. With it, the Clouds hid the stars from the sights of the Fairlanders. The cold breeze of fear and suspicion touched the hearts of every single one of them.

  By the fair laws of Fairland. Both crown princes were too young to rule. Sovereignty must pass to their evil uncle Negramano - The Baron of Negra - should he marry one of the late allegro's beautiful wives. The only problem he had, was the hundred days of mourning, the Fairlanders set for their beloved duke.

  Angelica could never betray her late Duke or his beloved people, she never did, she never will, most of all not in his days of mourning. Negramaro has tried all the possible means into her mind, seeking her acceptance as his way to the throne, and with it to the hearts of the Fairlanders. She never saw him as the rightful successor of her beloved husband. She feared the clouds in the skies would last forever and never part in the days of Negramano should they come.

  So it was Damiana that seized the moment and offered herself to Negramano. For he can be the crowned Duke, and her Theo will be the upcoming prince. The dark skies of Fairland witnessed the union. Bozo The Priest announced the marriage. And blessed he was, Negramaro the Duke of Fairland. All the Fairlanders were taken by surprise. Yet, the days to come brought them nothing but despair. Angelica was killed in a freaky accident, and no one was allowed to even ask. Why the days of their beloved queen did end that fast.

  Ten years have passed from this moment. Fairland is where the skies were always dark and the stars were always dimmed, where the sun brought nothing but heat and anger...

  Leo is "now" a mighty warlord. All the lands know his stories. Songs are written about his courageous glories. For he is Leo the Son Of Allegro and Angelica. Theo is "now" the crown prince. The man of God his stepfather says. Yet in the arms of prostitutes each day he dwells. His heart he held nothing but witch spells.

  Negramaro was jealous of Leo's reputation. For his prince has brought them nothing but defamation. So he sent Leo for a mission. To bring the Golden Diamond from the land beyond the horizon. A year later Leo returns, triumph holds his head way up high. And in his hands a golden star.

  Negramaro held a ceremony. Where Theo was pronounced the hero of the night. For the golden star he brought back home, from the lands beyond the horizon as it is well known. A laugh ran between all Fairlanders, The old Negramaro is fooling himself, "He forgot we cover Theo's butt, every single night after he's robbed, and left nothing but a single nut", they whispered.

  Negramaro decided it was time to Leo gets killed. His fame became dangerous for the Duke himself. He sent him to a war from which no one would return. Against the hungry Ogres of the lands of the North. A year later Leo returns, triumph holds his head way up high. In his hands an Ogre's thigh.

  Dreamy Negramaro announces to the crowds, It was Theo who deserves all shouts. Leo is a convicted criminal, his back from Fairland should be expelled.

  Again a laugh runs through the crowds, "Theo the drunk beats an Ogre. We only wish he can beat a hooker”, they said. So to the desert Leo was expelled. In his veins calls of revenge always went. By now, things became clear. Fairland as a place became too queer.

  A new kingdom should be set, where Allegro's wisdom would prevail, Negramaro's madness should be left, Leo: Fairlanders will follow your tail.


  So all sections of Fairland were abandonned, Leo's Gloria is the new home, Negramaro and Theo are now alone, Not a single person would ever knock their door.

  And In Gloria, justice was in the air. Something the people forgot it was there, Leo married his new bride Maria and again the son of Allegro brought the world allegria.

  Sleeping With Nightmares On

  -I slept yesterday?

  -Finally?

  -Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

  -How long has it been since you last slept?

  -A week.

  -And during this week, you didn't sleep at all?

  -A bit here and there.

  -Your eyes are exhausted.

  -But I think they're a bit better now, you should have seen them yesterday.

  -How did they look like?

  -They were in red, white and black exactly like our flag.

  -Funny, good thing you slept at last.

  -I just can't remember. How I went to bed.

  -No problem, as long as you finally slept.

  -So should I keep taking the pills doc?

  -Yeah, at least you finally got to sleep.

  -God, I hate them.

  -Why?

  -I'm just not the kind of man who loves sticking to a routine.

  -A pill is such a headache for you.

  -Yes.

  -You just hate routine, don't you?