Thethirdshrugoftheevening.
“Alandoesn'tconcernme.”
“He'smyfriend,Sean.Andcurrentlyhethinksyouhadsomething todowithit.Thatconcernsme.”
“Absurd.WhywouldIkillmyowncontact?”
“Idon'tknow,buthedoesn'ttrustyouatall,andIcan'tblamehim forthat.Everythingthatheknowsaboutyourevolvesaroundlies,cover-ups,andmurders.Hethinksyou'reacriminal―ahigh-endone.Thekind thatdoesn'tgetcaught,”Iinformedhim,myvoicetakingasterntone.
“HeknowsyouhadsomethingtodowithMatty'sbodydumpandthe corpseposedasthePortsmouthkillerinacarinMasssomewhere.Hehas youpegged,Sean.He'snotgoingtoletuponyou.He'sgoingtodigand diguntilhefindssomething,or,inyourcase,doesn'tfind anything, whichwillonlyincriminateyoufurtherinhiseyes.”
“Whyareyousoconcernedaboutthis?Hecan'tdoanythingtome.”
“Iknowthat,buthe'smyfriend.I'mclosetohisfamily,andIcan feelthatslippingawaybecausehedoesn'ttrustmenow.Hethinksyou're blackmailingme,orusingme―Idon'tknowexactlywhathethinksis goingon,butit'snotgood.HethoughtthatmaybeIkilledMattyand that'swhyyoucovereditup,forfuck'ssake!Hewantsanswers,Sean.
Badly.”
“ Andhe'llhavethemwhenIfindoutwhokilledMcGurney.The onesheneedstohear,anyway. ”
Ididn'twantargue.Ihadotherissuesthatneededattention,andI knewthatstartingafightoverAlanwasnotgoingtobethebestwayto segueintothem.
“Fine,”Iwhispered,pushingawayfromthecounter.
“Ruby,”hesaidwithcautioninhistone.“Idon'twishforthistobe difficultonyou,butImustdomyjob.IfIfindoutthatthegovernment knowsaboutyourkind,Ican'tbegintotellyoutheshitstormthatwill follow.”Hecamearoundthecountertojoinmeinthetightareabehind it.Hispresencealwaysseemedtotakeupmorespacethanitneeded,like theintensityofhisenergydemandedit.Ieasedagainstthewalltomake roomforit.“I'vetoldyoumorethanIshouldhavealready,”hesaid, reachingformyface.Myeyesclosedinstinctively,awaitingthecontact.
“Sean,”Isaidsoftly,thewordscatchinginmythroatwhenhishand grazedmycheek.“Ineedtotellyousomething.”
Iopenedmyeyestofindhimstaringatmefromonlyinchesaway, hisexpressionholdingahintofamusement.
“Offeringupinformationtome?”hemocked,leaninghisbody againstmineeversoslightly.“Whoareyouandwhathaveyoudonewith myRuby?”
MyRuby...
“ I'mbeingserious,”Igrouched,thoughitcameoutasmoreofa breathlessprotestationthananythingelse.ThatwasSean'seffectonme.
“Icanseethat,”hepurredasmyhandsdriftedupintohishairof theirownvolition. Traitors.
Hislipswereonmine,softandcoaxingasiftheyweretryingtocon meoutofmyattemptsataseriousconversation.Theywerepainfully closetosucceeding.IwasfallingintohisschemebeautifullywhenIfelt astrangebuzzingagainstmyhip.Once.Twice.Thethirdbroughtagrowl fromdeepwithinSean'schest.
“Ihavetotakethis,”hesaid,abruptlypullingawayfrommetohead forthedoor.“I'llberightback.”
Suddenly,IfeltlikeIneededacoldshower. WhathadIbeenjust abouttotellhim?Oh...Matty! Iknewthatitwasgoingtoopenupacanof worms,butI'dlearnedfrommypast,andkeepingsecretsfromSean neverpannedoutwell.Iwastakinganewapproach.
Iwatchedhimthroughthefrontwindow,standingstoically,his backtowardme.Whateverhisconversationwasabout,itwasn'tgood.
ThemorestillSeanwas,thedeeperthecrisis.
Minuteslater,hereturned,lookingreserved.Thingswereworse thanIthought.
“Ihavetoleavetonight,Ruby,”hesaidlikeitwasanadmissionof guilt.“Ihadwantedtotakeyousomewhere.Ihaditallplanned,but―”
“It'sokay,Sean.Iunderstand.”
Hesmiledweakly.
“Iknowyoudo.It'soneofthebestthingsaboutyou.You understandme.”
Withinsecondshewasbackbehindthecounter,pressingmeagainst thewallthatI'donlymomentsearliermanagedtopeelmyselfoffof.His armscagedmeinashisbodyhoveredjustfarenoughawaytonotbe touchingme.Thedistanceseemedpainful.
Hisbreathtickledmyear,hismouthplayingdangerouslyclosetoit.
“Youwantedtotellmesomething.CanitwaituntilIreturn,or shouldyoutellmenow?Youdecide.”
Mybrainwasscramblinginaseverecaseofsensoryoverload.Too manythingstoprocessatoncewerethreateningtoblowacircuit.I wantedtokisshim,tellhim,thenthrowhimoutthedoorasquicklyas possiblesoIcouldavoidthefallout.Itwascowardlybuthonest―astep intherightdirectionasfarasIwasconcerned.
“Itcankeepuntillater,”Iwhispered,myaircominginandoutin sharpgusts.
“Verywell,”hesaidslyly.“I'lllookforwardtolaterthen.”
Heslidoutthefrontdoorsecondslater,andIwasleftclutchingmy chest,feelinglikeIhadthefirsttimehe'dcometomystore―confused andfrustrated.Myfrustrationwasofthesexualvariety.
Withasigh,Iheadedtowardthefrontdoortolock it― again―whenafamiliarfacepoppedupinthewindow.Wavinga paperbagthatundoubtedlycontainedbakedgoodsofsomesort,Ginger smiledwarmlyasshewaitedformetoletherin.
“Hi,”Isaid,steppingbacktoallowherentrancetotheshop.“It's goodtoseeyou!”
“No,Ruby,”shesaidwithsadeyes,“it'sgoodtosee you. Iwasn't entirelysurethatIwouldeveragain,butnotGavin.Heknewyou'dbe back.IwishIhadhisconfidenceinthingssometimes.”Shegavemea hug,wrappingheroldandweatheredarmsaroundmywaist.Shewasfrail inappearance,butthosearmsheldastrengththatfarsurpassed expectation,andIstartedtoacheslightlyfromthetenacityofhergrip.
Shereallyhadworriedformysafety,whichwasironicgiventhather husbandseemedtoknowsodamnmuch.Apparently,hewasn'tvery forthcomingwithhereither.
ButforallthatGavinappearedtolack,histasteinspouseswastop-notch.Gingerhadalwaysbeennothingbutmotherly,caring,andquickto reininherhusbandwhenthesituationwarranted.She'dcometocheckup onmeaftermyneardrowningbytheRevandwasonceagainonmy doorsteptoseehowIwas.
Andshebroughttastytreatstoboot.
Shesmiledasshecaughtmelookingatherbrownpaperbagof deliciousnessandlaughed.
“Ibelieveyousaidthesewereyourfavoriteslasttime,”shesaid, handingmethebag.Iopenedittofindherkillerchocolatechipcookies.
Mysteriously,twowereinmyhandasecondlateronamissiontomy mouth.
“You'rethebest,”Itoldher,motioningtowardthefrontcounter.I steppedaroundbackandgrabbedthestoolIkeptthere,offeringitto Ginger.
“Thankyou,dear,butIdon'twanttostaylong.I'msureyouhave morepressingthingstodothanindulgemyneedtobesurethatyou're indeedsafeandintact.”
“Ifitmeansyou'rebringinggoodies,youcancheckuponme anytime,”IrepliedwithawinkasIbitintomysecondcookie.She beamedwithapproval.Herintensegazeandparentalvibemademe wondersomethingthathadn'toccurredtomebefore.“Ginger,”Istarted, puttingmycookiedown,“Ihopeyoudon'tmindmeasking,but...doyou haveanykids?”Shelookedatmelongingly,andIinstantlyregretted asking.I'dhitanerveofsorts,hersadnesspouringoutfreely.“I'msorry.
Idon'tknowwhy―”
“Don'tfret,Ruby,”shesaid,pattingmyhandinthemost comfortinggesture.“No,Idonothaveanychildren.NeitherdoesGavin.”
Ilookedathersympathetically,notknowingwhattosay.“Hehadnone beforeme,anditseemsthatour incompatibilitywouldnotallowforusto bearany.”
Silencehungheavybetweenusforamoment,forcingmetoaddress thethoughtrunning
rampantinmymind.CouldSeanandIhave children?Withallhisdaddyissuesandmynot-so-stellarparental models,wouldweevenwantthem?IfounditfunnythatsomethingI'd nevergivenanypreviousthoughttosuddenlyseemedlikealife-changing revelation.
“Whatevermadeyouaskthat?”
Ishrugged,embarrassed.
“Therewassomethingaboutthewayyouwerelookingatme―I've seenmyfriendKristywatchherlittleboythatway.I'msorryifI offendedyou.”
“Ofcoursenot,dear.You'llhavetotryharderthanthatifyouwish to.”
“That'snotachallengeyoushouldcarelesslythrowout,”Ireplied withalaugh.“Iseemunbelievablygiftedatsayingthewrongthingatthe worstpossibletime.”
Shesmiledwryly.
“Iwouldn'tbeatmyselfupaboutthat,ifIwereyou.Perhapsyou comebythathonestly.”
“I'mnotsure,”Isaid,grabbingmyhalf-eatencookieoffofthe counter.“ButIguessyou'reprobablyprettyusedtodealingwithit.Gavin seemstohaveaknackforpissingpeopleoff,pardonmylanguage.”
“Thathedoes,”shesaid,chuckling.Shegrabbedacookieandlifted itasthoughgivingatoast.Weclinkedourtreatstogetherlikeglassesof champagne,bondingoverherenigmaticspouse.
“Ginger,canIaskyousomethingelse?”
“Certainly,Ruby.Anything.”Hercomposurewasinstantly regained.
“DoesGavinalwaysspeakaroundthings?Youknow,talkinriddles, oristhatjustsomethingheenjoysdoingtomeforhisentertainment?I knowhe'sold.Maybehejustneedstogethiskicksinnewandirritating ways.”
Shepressedherlipstightly,takingasharpbreathbeforeslowly lettingitout.Layinghercookiedown,shetookmyhandinhersand claspeditfirmly.
“Ruby,Gavinhasfaults―manyofthem―butbelievemewhenI tellyouthathehasnothingbutyourbestinterestatheart,”shesaid earnestly.“We bothdo.”
“Butwhy?”Iprodded,desperateforsomelevelofunderstanding.
“Heholeshimselfupinthatboat,hiddenawayfromeveryoneand everythingsupernatural,andthensuddenlygetsinvolvedwhentheRev comestotown,butonlytohelpme?Itmakesnosense.”
“Iknowitseemsthatway,Ruby,butGavinknowsyou'respecial.
Hewantstoseeyousafewithoutriskingexposure.He'ssurvivedthis longbybeingsmartandcunning.Ifitweren'tforhim,theyallwould havebeenextinctby―”Shecutherselfoffabruptly,unwillingtofinish herdefenseofGavin.“I'msorry.Ishouldn'thavesaidthat.”
ThewomanI'dknowntoalwaysbesoformalandpoisedwas suddenlyflusteredandverymuchinahurrytogetoutofmyshop.Ina hurrytogetawayfrom me.
“Who?”Iasked,notwantingtoletherleavewithoutclarification.I neededtoknowwhatshewouldn'ttellme.“Whowouldhavebeen extinct?”
“I'msorry,Ruby.Ihavetogo,”shetoldmecurtly,collectingher handbagtoleave.“You'llhavetotalktoGavin.Ishouldn'thavesaid that.”Shestoppedjustshyoftheexitbeforeturningtofaceme.Her expressionwaspained,herenergydissonant.“Pleaseforgivemy evasiveness.Itisnotmystorytotell.”
Istartedtobadgerherfurther,butshespedsurprisinglyfastdown thesidewalk,andIjustcouldn'tbringmyselftochaseherdownand demandanswers.Shewasn'tinapositiontogivethemandevenIwas abovethreateningalittleoldlady.ForthefirsttimesinceI'dreturned,I wasgladScarletwasn'taround.
*
IwasnotpleasedtoknowthatGavin'smuchbetterhalfwasequally capableofbeingmysterious,andasIcontemplatedthenewestCFinmy life,fourmorepulledupinfrontofthebuilding.Tobefair,itwasmore likethreeandahalf.Cooperwasn'tafull-blownissuesincehismorning apology,but,judgingbythelookonhisface,hewasheadedinthat direction.
Isteppedouttogreetthem,thinkingthatsuckingupwasthebest planofaction.
“Youlookprettyhotdrivingthatgargantuanvehicle,Coop,”Itold him,grinningeartoear.
Hetotallytookthebait.
“Ilookhotineverything,Ruby.Youshouldknowthatbynow,”he repliedwithaslysmile.
“Whataboutus?”Aliasked,steppingoutoftheSUV.“Wedon't lookhot?”
“Youlooktwelve,Alice,”Cooperspatoverhisshoulder.“Ruby isn'tapedophile.”
Ilaughed,eventhoughItriednotto.Itwasjusttoogood.
“Youlookprettysexytoo,Alistair,butit'shardtolookbadass crawlingoutofthebackseat.”
Helookedatmewithadeflatedexpression,thenshrugged.
“Fairenough,”hesaid,pullingbagsoffoodoutfromthebackofthe car.“ButdoIlookbetterasadeliveryboy?”Hewiggledhiseyebrowsat meplayfully.
“Yes.Thatsuitsyou.”
“Comeon,Alice,”Coopercalledfromthedoorwaytothe residentialpartofmybuilding.“Allofyou,upstairs. Now. ”
“I'llberightup,”Itoldhim,openingtheshopdoor.“Ijustneedto grabmystuffandlockup.”
Iranbackinsideanddidjustthat,thenmademywayupstairs.
WhenIopenedtheapartmentdoor,Iwassurprisedtoseetheforeigners sittingonthecouch,eatingtheirtakeout.Cooperhadn'trelegatedthemto theirfloorabove.Ismiledslightly.Maybetheyweregrowingonhim?
“Yourdinnerisonthecounter,”JannercalledtomeasIthrewmy purseonthesofatablebythedoor.“PadThai.Coopersaidyou'dlikeit.”
“Sweet!Soundsawesome.I'mgoingtogocleanupabitfirst,then I'llberightout.”
“Hurryup,”AlistaircalledoutasIdisappeareddownthehall.“You don'twanttomissoutonallthefamilyfun!”
“You'renotfamily,”avoicegrumbledfromthekitchen.
“Butyou'realwayssayingweneedtohavefamilyhuddles...”
“Right,butyou'reneveractually inthehuddle,thereforeyou'renot family,”Cooperargued.“Beingthetopicofconversationdoesn'tmean you'rein.”
“Youboysaregoingtobethedeathofme,”Ishoutedfrommy bedroombeforeshuttingthedoor.
Cooperwassuddenlyverysilent,asweretheothers.Thenitdawned onme.MychoiceofwordswasexactlytheoutcomethatCooperfeared most.
IfIwashonest,deepdown,therewasasmallpartofmethatfeared ittoo.
16
Ournightwassurprisinglydrama-free― enjoyableeven.Cooperlooked relativelymiserableforthebetterpartofit,butevenhecrackedafew timeswhenBeckett,withhisincrediblydrysenseofhumor,raggedon Alistairforthevariousinfractionshehadn'trealizedhe'dcommitted.
Alistairwasthemostentertainingwhenhewastryingtobeserious,a traitI'msurewasequalpartsannoyingandendearingtothosewhoknew himbest.
Itmademewonderwhathismatewaslike.
Onoccasion,throughoutthenight,Igotthatstrangeguardedfeeling fromoneoralloftheboys.Ijustcouldn'twrapmyheadaroundit.There wasnothingnegativeormaliciousaboutit:moreofaninterruptionof sorts.Atleastthat'swhatIfelt.ItremindedmeofhowSean'sfacecould gocompletelyimpassiveatthedropofahat,maskingwhateverwas goingoninsidehismind.Theneutralbutimpenetrabletonetotheir energymadethemimpossibletoread.WhatIhadtroubleunderstanding wasthetimingofit.Itneveroccurredwhenanyawkwardnessplaguedthe conversation(andthatwasoften),butjustseemedrandomlyinterspersed throughoutthenight.Wasitacopingmechanismofsorts,bornof necessityinapackthatseemedasriddledwithevilasCooper's?Ifso,I wonderedjusthowmuchtheyweren'ttellingusabouttheatrocities they’dfacedundertheruleofthealphatheyhaddestroyedandhow horrifictheirdeathswouldbeshouldtheyeverbediscovered.Itmade evenmoresenseastowhytheywantedtoalignwiththebaddestwolfon theblock.
Toobadshewasonanuntimelyleave.
; Iwantedtoaskthemmoreabouttheirpasts,butCooperwasalways around,andtheyjustdidn'tseemwillingtoopenupmucharoundhim.I couldn'treallyblamethem.Hewasn'treallywarmandfuzzywhenit cametotheboys.
Iwenttobedwithararesenseofcalm,thoughmybodywas completelyexhausted.Inmyamassingfatigue,Imanagedtowalk squarelyintoawallthathadn'texactlymovedsincethedaybefore.Itwas ablondemomentofepicproportion,andIwasthrilledthatnobodyhad witnessedit.Iwouldn'thaveliveditdownanytimesoon.
Thenextdaystartedoutwithoutahitch.Peytawasbackatwork.
Theboyshadtwopromisinghomestocheckoutandhadplannedto spendtherestofthedaybetterorganizingtheirtemporaryabode.Cooper wouldbesupervisingthatactivity.Seansentmeamessageinthe morningsayingthathewouldbebackintownthatevening.Hehadplans forusandmadeapointtoput“plans”inallcaps.Whatevertheywere, theysoundedpromising.Lastly,IgotacallfromKristy,whowasstill downsouthwithhermother,whowasrecoveringfromsurgery.Iheard Louiejibber-jabberinginthebackground,andmyheartnearlymelted.In thefewweeksithadbeensinceI'dseenhim,Icouldalreadyhearthe changesinhim.Theclichéwastrue:kidsreallydidgrowuptoofast.
IttookmeawhiletogetoffthephonewithKristy.Shewasn'tgoing tobeconvincedthatIwasokayuntilshegottophysicallyseemeandhug metodeath.Ipromisedtocallhersoonandmadehergivemylittle buddyasquishformewithabig,sloppysmoochforgoodmeasure.I heardhimsquealinthebackgroundwhileshediditbeforeyelling,
“AuntyBooby!Boobysmoochme.Boobysmooches.”Hewasjusttoo cuteforwords.
Sincethecallranlongerthanexpected,Iwaslatetoworkasusual.
IfIdidn'tknowbetter,I'dhavethoughtPeytawastheresponsible businessownerandItheslackeremployee.Graciously,shedidn'ttaunt metoomuchwhenIcrashedthroughthefrontdoorwithacoffeecarafe inhand.
“Nicetoseeyouthismorning,”shemocked,liftingaquizzical brow.“Didyougetdressedinthedarkorsomething?”