Ididn'tknowwhattosay.Herpointswerevalid,herfeelings warranted.Icouldn'thelpbutthinkhowIwouldhavereactediftheshoe hadbeenontheotherfoot.Myguesswasnotnearlyaswellasshedid.
Shemayhavegoneoffonhim,butshe'dstillheldsomemeasureof composure.Iwouldn'thave.
“So,I'mgoingtoheadout,”sheinformedme,rockingbackonher feetslightly.“ButI'llbebacktomorrow.Maybehe'llstopbythen...and maybeI'llhavecalmeddownaboutitbythentoo."
“Soundslikeaplan.”Iforcedasmile,hopingthatshewasright aboutMatty.“Goseeyourmom.Ibelieveyoustillhavethingstotell her."
Shesmiledtightlyandnoddedonce.
“Comehere,”Iorderedbeforescoopingherupintoabighug.“Tell hereverythingtoo.SheneedstoknowthatyouandJayarehavingissues.
Thisisn'ttimetoskimponthedetails."Sheshotmeadubiouslook.
“Well,yes,skimpon thatdetail.Westilldon'tneedherknowingabout thePC.”
“I'llmanagetoleavethatoneout,”shejokedweakly.“I'llseeyou tomorrow.”Sheturnedawayfromme,headingtowardthedoorbefore stoppingjustshortofit."And,Ruby?Ireallyamsorryaboutmy meltdown.IfIcanhelpyousaygoodbyetotheMattyyouclaimheis,I'll doit.”
“Peyta,Iamhardlyonetotalkwhenitcomestoepicmeltdowns.If youneedto,meltaway,mydear.I'mtotallygoodforit."
Shegiggledasshewalkedthroughthedoor,tossingaparting goodbyeoverhershoulder.Thoseshoulderswerecarryingalotof weight.Ihopedshewasonherwayovertohermother'stounburden them.
*
Hourslater,Ifoundmyselfmindlesslyplayingwithatrioofsilver hammeredbeadsonthefrontdesk.Icouldn'tmanagetodoanythingthat requiredfocusonanylevel.Mymindwasamillionmilesawayin ClusterfuckLand,tryingtosortthroughallthecrazinessinmylife.Ihad beenworkingundertheimpressionthattheCFlistandIhadfinally brokenup.PerhapsIjumpedthegunonthatassumption.
BythetimeIwasentirelytoofrustratedtostayattheshopany longer,Iputanoteuponthedoorsayingthatwewereclosingearlyand lockedupbehindme.Theunseasonablycoldweatherwasstillgoing strong,butI'dplannedaheadforonceandbroughtmydownvestand mittenswithmetowork.Islippedthemonoutsidethedoorandtookoff towalkthroughtown.ItalwaysbroughtmeclaritywhenIneededit,and IhopedthattrendwouldcontinueasImademywaydowntothedocks.
TherewasonemorepersonIneededtoseesincemyreturn.
ThewindwhippeddownthewindingstreetsofPortsmouth,stinging mycheekstoarosypink.ItfeltrefreshingandwasexactlywhatIneeded tobolstermyresolve.WhenIroundedthefinalturnbythewaterfront,I lookeddownattheboatsinthemarina―andmyheartsankinstantly.The houseboatwasgone.
Sighingheavily,Iproceededdowntothedockanyway.Itbrought forthawaveofbittersweetemotions.Ihadnearlydiedtherethankstothe keenandsociopathiceffortsoftheRev.Gavinhadbeentheonetosave me,butintheaftermathofhisefforts,hecausedawholenewdilemma forme.Forwhateverreason,heseemedhellbentonwarningmeoffof Sean,anditalmostworkedforafleetingmoment.Almost.
Ihadcomebacktogetthoseanswershepromisedmeandtofind outonceandforallwhyhehaditinforSeansobadly.Itwasclearthat Gavinwasn'ttellingmesomething,butthe whatwasagnawingquestion markinmymindthatneededtobeerased.Forgood.
Unfortunatelyforme,Iwasn'tgoingtogetmuchofanythingoutof someonethatwasn'tthere.Frustrated,Iploppedmyselfdownattheedge ofthedock,makingsuretokeepmyfeetwellabovethewaterline.Not onlywasitwaytoocoldtodipmyfeetinto,butitwasalsojustalittle toosoonaftermyneardrowningwiththeRevtotemptfate.
Iknewhowmuchfateadoredme.
AsIstaredoffintotheharbor,searchingforanswersthatweren't there,afamiliarvoicenearlyscaredmerightoutofmypants―andinto thewater.
“Idon'tthinkthatwentsowellforyalasttime,missy.Idon't suggestyabetryingityetagain.”
Gavin.
Iturnedtofindtheagedversionofhim,cockinghisheadatmein mocking.Hehadpouredtheaccentonprettythick,makingmealittle concernedthatheandIweregoingtobestartingoffonthewrongfoot, justasIhadwithnearlyeveryoneelseuponmyreturn.AsfarasIknew, Gavinonlyspokewiththataccentwhenhewasgoodandriledup.
Iseemedtohavethateffectonhim.
“Wasn'tplanningonit,”Ismiled,pullingmyselfupcarefullysoas nottorepeattheimpromptuswimhewasimplying.Ididn'tthinkitwas likelythatScarlethaddecidedtotakeswimlessonsduringthethree weeksshetookoffandheldmecaptiveinmymind.
“Ihaven'tseenyouaroundhereforawhile...”Hetrailedoffatthe end,leadingmetoofferupanexplanation.
“Yeah,well,itseemsthatItookanunplannedvacationofsorts.”
“Indeed.Thekindthatrequiresteamsofpoliceandvolunteersto dredgeupPortsmouthHarborandthegreaterportionofthelowerCharles River,"hesaid,narrowinghiseyesslyly.“Ithinkyouneedabettertravel agent.Theoneyouhavedidashitjob.”
“Noargumentsonmyend.”
Finally,Icaved.
“Igotyournote...”
“Didyounow?”hemocked,dialingtheaccentbacktohisnormal Americanone.Ihopeditwasagoodsign."Didyouactually readit?
Seemsitmighthavesavedyousomegrief.”
“Howdoyoufigurethat?”
Hesmiledwide.
“Thedark-eyedonehasabitofatemper,doesn'the?Evenwith you.”Mymouthhungagapeinresponsetohiswords. Howcouldheknow that? “Iwarnedyouabouthim.I'mwonderinghowlongitwilltakefor youtodecidethatI'mtellingthetruth.”
“Probablyaboutaslongasittakesyoutogivemesomethingsolid togooffofasfarasevidenceisconcerned.Ormaybeonceyoustop talkinginriddlesandactuallyexplainindetailwhyyouthinkhe'sbad newsforme,"Iquipped,irritationtaintingmytone.“Eitherwouldbe fine.”
“Andthat'sexactlywhatI'dplannedbeforeyourlittleescapade,or shouldIsay, Scarlet'slittleescapade?”
Myirritationstartedtobleedtoanger.Evenwhenheshouldn't, Gavinseemedtohavealltheanswersabouteverything,andIhadnone.It feltliketheearlydaysofSeanandme,minustheanimalattractionand occasionalflirting.
“Icameheretotalktoyou.Ifallyou’regoingtodoisbeanall-knowingprickabouteverything,I'llleave,"Isaid,startingtomakemy waypasthim.“Idon'tsupposeitreallymattersanyway.You'llknow wheretofindme.”
HecaughtmyarmjustbeforeIwasoutofreach.
“Youmaynotlikemymethods,Ruby,butIcanassureyouthat everythingIdoforyouisinyourbestinterest."
“Hmm,thatsoundsoddlyfamiliar.IthinkI'vehearditbefore,”I mocked,rollingmyeyesupandtotherightasthoughcontemplating something."Oh,that'sright.Ibelievethe' dark-eyedone’hasusedthat lineonmeatimeortwo,and,correctmeifI'mwrong,heistheonethat you'rewarningmeagainst,no?”Myobservationwasmetwithasour look."Interesting.ShallIholdthatagainstyoutoo?”
“Idon'tcareforyourtone.”
“AndIdon'tcareforyourdoublestandards.”
“Youseemtobeawfullyfondofhis,”hepurred,hisvoiceand energylacedwithdisdain.“AndIdon'trecalleverthreateningtokillyou.
Wouldthatbehelpful?Wouldyoubemorelikelytolistentomethen?"
“No,”Irepliedflatly,“Iwouldn't.Seancanpullthatoff.Youcan't.”
“Yes,it'sactuallyquiteamazi
ngthefeatsthatSeancan' pulloff'
whenhe'smotivated.IthinkI'lltellyousomeofthosestoriesabouthim soon,butnottoday,”hesaidcondescendingly.“You'renotreadytohear themjustyet."
“Wellthen,whyarewestillheretalking?You'renotgoingtotell meanythinghelpfulandI'moverit,so...?"
“Tellmesomething,Ruby.DidyousleepwithSeanthenightI warnedyouabouthimjusttospiteme,orhadthatbeenontheagenda fromtheget-go?"
Myskincrawledaseveryhaironmybodystoodatattention.
Apparently,thelistofthingsheknewaboutwasfarlongerthanIhad bargainedfor.
“Likeit'sanyofyourfuckingbusiness.Howcouldyoupossibly even―”
“You'reeasytofollow.Youdon'tpayanyattentiontoyour surroundings,and,foryourinformation,Iwastrailingyoutobesurethat theRevdidn'tcomebackandfinishyouoff,"hesnarledasthesparkle diedoutofhiseyes.“Youwentto hisplaceanddidn'tcomeoutforan hourortwo.Whenyoudid,itwasclearthatsomethingwaswrong,given thespeedwithwhichthedark-eyedonepeeledoutontothestreet."
“AndfromthatyoudeterminedIsleptwithhim?”
“Areyoudenyingit?”
“Whatdoesitmatter?”
“Becausethisishowheworks,Ruby.I'veseenittimeandtime again.Hedestroysthoseclosesttohim,”hesaid,willingmetoread betweenthelines.WhenIdidn't,hediditforme."Ibelieveyou'vehad thepleasureofmeetingSophie.”
“Yeah,thougha'pleasure'ishardlywhatIwouldcallit,andjust whatareyougettingatthere?”Igrowled,notlikingthedirectionour conversationwastaking."SophiewasadamnheadcaseasfarasI'm concerned.Shewasawell-containedsociopath,andIwouldknow.I've metmorethanmyfairshareofthemoverthepastyearorso.”
“Yes,shecertainlywas,”hechimed,scratchingthesideofhisface wherehisfiveo'clockshadowlurked."Iwonderhowshegottobelike that.”
“AreyoutryingtotellmethatSeanisthereasonforherbat-shit crazystatus?”Iasked,nearlychokingonthewords."Noway.Nooooway isthattrue.Thereareamillionreasonswhythatgirlcouldhavemelted downoverthecenturies,andthat'sassumingthatsheresembledahuman beingatsomepoint,whichI highlydoubtistrue.”
Heshruggedambivalentlywhilehestaredmedown.
“Areyouwillingtobetyoursanityonthat?Your life?”
“I'vebetmylifeonless,”Ireplied,feigningindifference―butI wasfullofit.Bothhiswordsandenergywerepenetratingme,chewing awayatmybravadoandeatingthroughmydefensivefaçade.Iwas startingtodoubtSean,andperhapsrightfullyso.Hewouldnevertalk abouthispast.Maybetherewasareallygoodreasonforthatavoidant behavior.MaybeIreallydidn'twanttoknowwhohewas.Orwhohehad oncebeen.
“Well,ifyoukeepheadingdownthepathyouareon,Icanassure youthatit'llonlyendoneway,Ruby―withheartache,destruction,and death,”hewarned,hisvoiceassoftandchillingasahauntingtune.
“Secretskill,Ruby,andnotjustpeople―relationshipstoo,especially whenthosesecretscan'tstayhiddenawayforever.Lighteventuallyfalls oneventhedarkestofcorners.”
Andwithhiswords,IfeltthelastofmyresolvetodefendSeanslip away.Gavinwasright,oratleasthesuremademefeelthatway.Mylife wasn'theadedinapositivedirection,anditwaslikelythatSean's involvementwasn'timprovingthatfact.
“Ihavetogo,”Iwhispered,needingspaceandairandawayto escapethesinkingfeelinginmychest.Iturnedawayfromhim,heading backintotown,whenhecalledaftermeonelasttime.
“Ruby?There'sonemorething,”hesaid,soundingoddlysatisfied withhimself.“Yournewhouse-guests...I'dkeepmyeyesonthosethree.
Somethingaboutthemjustdoesn't feelrighttome.I'msureyoucan senseitaswell.”
AllIcouldsensewasimpendingdoomandanoveralluneasiness thatIwanteddesperatelytoescape.Itookoffrunningthroughtown, headedhometofindCooper.Ineededtofigureoutwhatallthis enigmaticdouble-talkmeantandwhatthehellIshoulddowithit.
Unfortunatelyforme,Cooperwasn'tthemostobjectivewalltobounce thingsoffofwhenitcametocertaintopicsofconversation.Hewasnota fanoftheUKthreesome,afacthehadmadeabundantlyclear,norwashe abigSeansupporter.IfI'dgonerunninginthereflippingoutaboutboth, hewouldhavebeenalltoohappytogetonboardwithGavin's observations,and,thoughapartofmeseemedtocravethat,another foughtferventlyagainstit.Ididnotwanttobelievehiswords,truthor not.
Evenifmydenialmeantmydemise.
*
“Ruby,”CoopergrowledasIwalkedintheapartmentdoor.“So goodofyoutoactuallyjoinus.Weneedafamilyhuddle. Now.”
BeforeI'devenmadeittwofeetinthedoor,Iwaswhiskedawayto mybedroombymyelbowandploppeddownonmybed.Cooperwas pissed.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoingleavingtheseassclownswithmeall day?I'mnotagoddamnbabysitter,Ruby.Youwantedtokeepthem.
You'regoingtohelpmedealwiththem.Theycan'tjusthangoutallday doingGodknowswhatintown.Istilldon'ttrustthemandneithershould you.I'mgoingtohavetokeeptabsonthem,andIamsonotdoingthat alone.”
“Wecanhearyou,youbloodywanker,”Alistairshoutedfromthe livingroom.
“Iknowyoucanfuckinghearme,dickhead.That'sthepoint.And thisisAmerica―tryinsultingmeinawaythatdoesn'trequire translation.”
“Awankeriskindalikeadouche―”IvolunteeredbeforeIwascut offformyefforts.
“I knowwhatafuckingwankeris,Ruby,thankyouverymuch.”
“Right.Sorry,”Ireplied,wincingslightly.Hewaswickedangry.“I didn'tmeantobegoneforeverorstickyouwiththem,but...”
“Butwhat,Ruby?”
“Ihadtogotowork,andthensomethingelsecameup,andIhadto dealwiththat.”
“Whatcameup?”hepressed,leaningtowardme.
“Nothingcrazy,”Isaidhesitantly,tryingtostall.“Iranintothatold guy,Gavin,intown.Youknow,theonethatleftmethatnote?Icouldn't seemtoduckoutofourconversationpolitely.I'msorry.Whatdoyou wantmetodowiththeboysfromnowon?Takethemtotheshopwith me?HavethemsayridiculousthingstoPeytatocheerherup?”
“No!”heroared.“Idon'twantthemanywherenearher.”
“Iwasjoking,Cooper.OfcourseI'mnotgoingtobringthemaround her.”
“Good,”hebarked,staringmedown.Ihalfexpectedhiseyestoturn thatfamiliarshadeofblackthatbelongedtoSeanwhenhewasinsimilar humor.“Theyneedtomoveout,Ruby.There'sjustnowayaroundthat.
EvenifIthoughttheywereontheupandup,there'snoroomhere,and therearetoomanypeoplethatwouldbeendangeredifsomethinggoes awry.IknowyouknowI'mrightaboutthis."
Isighed,notwantingtodiscussthematter.
“Okay,butIdon'twantyourunningthemoutoftown.Notyet.I knowyoudon'tbelievetheirintentionsarepure,butyoualsoknowthatI haveawayofknowingthosekindsofthings.Idon'tgetanythingfrom themthatleadsmetobelievethatthey'regoingtodoanythingotherthan annoytheshitoutofyouandtakeovermythirdfloor,"Iargued.“The bathroomsituationmightgetsketchyheresoon,butI'vedealtwithyou.I candealwiththemtoo.”
Fine,”hesaid,turningonhisheelstostalkoutofmyroom.“Butwe arestillgoingapartmenthuntingtomorrow.Ihopetheseassholeshave money.And,yes,Alice,Iknowyoucanstillhearme."
Hehadalreadyconjuredupinsultingpetnamesforthem.Icouldn't tellifthatwasgoodorbad.
“Butthenhowwillwekeepaneyeonthemiftheymoveout?”I asked,feelinglikeweweregoingincircles.
“IguessIwillhavetogowiththem,”hemumbled,clearlyunhappy withthatreality.“You,however,willbestayinghere.Farawayfrom them.
"
“Um...didn'tyoujusttellmethatyouweren'tgoingtobabysitthem onyourown?Imaybeblonde,Cooper,butthisisgettingconfusingeven bybrunettestandards."
“Iknow,”hesnarled,hiseyesflaringgold.“Youaregoingtostay herebecausethatiswhat'sbest."Heshotmeaglancethatnearlyseared myflesh.“Idon'twantyouaroundthem.AmIunderstood?”
Andthenithitme.Cooperwaspissedbecausehehadnochoicebut tobabysittheboys.Icouldn'tdothejobbecauseofmylack-of-Scarlet status.Hewastornbetweenwantingtopunishmeandwantingtokeep mealive.
“Doyouwantmetosendthemaway?”Iaskedsheepishly.
“Yes,”hesnapped,“butIknowthat,forwhateverreason,you're convincedtheyneedtostay.I'llplayalongwiththatplanfornow,butI swearonallthat'sholy,onescrew-upandthey'redead.Notsentaway.
Justdead."
“IwishIcouldexplainittoyou,Cooper...”
“I'minnomoodtohearitevenifyoucould,Ruby.”
Ruby―notRubes.ThingswereworsethanIhadthought.
“Okay.Nottonight,”Isaidsoftly,thinkingofsomethingelseI neededtotalktohimaboutthathewasn'tgoingtobehappytohear.
“Coop?There'ssomethingelse,”Iadmittedquietly,notwantingtoget intothewholeMattydeal.
“Doesitinvolveanythinglife-threatening?”heasked,rubbinghis forehead.
“Um...no.”
“IsitaboutP?”
“No.”
“Great.Itcanwaitthen.Theseguysaresuckingawaymywillto liveatanobscenerate.Ican'tdealwithanyotherissuestoday."
Withoutanotherwordtome,hestalkedintothelivingroomand orderedtheboysupstairs,threateningthemwithbodilyharmanddeathif heheardthemrouseatallbeforemorning.Alistairstartedtocomplain aboutbeinghungrybutseemedtothinkbetterofitwhenCooperbegan growlingathim.Iwatchedthethreeofthemdisappearfrommyhome beforeCooperslammedthedoorbehindthem,waitingtoheartheir footstepsascendtotheloftabove.Onceheseemedsatisfiedthatthey werewheretheyshouldbe,hewalkeddownthehalltohisroomand closedthedoor.Hedidn'teventossmeanotherglance.