11
Withpreciouslittlesleep,Iawokethenextmorningonlytohavetodrag myassdowntotheshopandwork.Itwouldbemyfirstofficialdayback sinceScarletwentAWOLwithmeweeksearlier;Iwasnervous,but excitedallthesame.ItmeantspendingtimewithPeyta,whichpromised tobeadouble-edgedsword,butsheneededmyhelp.Iwantedtobethere tosupportherlikeshe'dalwayssupportedme.
AsImadeamovetoslipoutofbed,alargeandmusculararm wounditswayaroundmywaist,pinningmedownsoitsownercould gingerlynibbleonmyear.Mypulseracedinstantly.
“Sean,Ihavetogetreadytoopentheshop.”
“Andyouwill,”hereplied,workinghiswaydownmyneck.“Ina minute.”
“Nope,”Iretorted,wigglingmywayfree.“Ihaveabusinesstorun, andyoustillhaveamysterytosolve,don'tyou?Whatareyougoingto doaboutwhatAlistairtolduslastnight?"
Hetensedslightlybeforeanswering.
“I'vegotsomeoneonaplanetheretoday.”
“Who?”
“Jay,”herepliedafteraslighthesitation.
“Oh...”ItwasallIcouldmusterinresponse.
“He'llbefine,Ruby.He'safarbettersoldierthanyou―oreven he―wouldevergivehimcreditfor."
“It'snotthat,”Ihedged,notwantingtospillbeansthatweren'tmine tospill.“It'sjust...well,it'sPeyta.She'snotdoingwellrightnow,andI don'tthinkit'llbegoodforhertoknowthatJayisinharm'swayagain."
Hesighed.
“Thisistheworldshelivesinnow,Ruby.Ican'tchangethat.”
“Iknow,butsheisn'tdealingwellwithit,”Iadded.“PuttingJayin dangerisn'tgoingtohelpthat."
“Ruby,theywillhavetoworkthroughthesethingsaswehave.He loveshermorethanIcanputintowords,”hesaid,gettingupoutofthe bed.Istaredatthesweatpantshangingdangerouslylowonhiships."He loveshernearlyasmuchasIloveyou.They'llsortitout,I'mcertainof it.Andhe canhandlethismission.Hehidhisabilitiestoleadforeons becauseofJer.He'snothidingthemanymore.Youshouldfeelsorryfor whoeverisacrossthepondsellingthosewolvesoff.They'reabouttobe inaworldofhurt,notJay."
“Okay,”Isaid,forcingasmile.Hehuggedmeinresponseand kissedthetopofmyheadfirmly,lettingmeknowitwasgoingtobeall right.
“He'llonlybegoneforawhile,whichmeansI'llfinallyhavemy placetomyselfagain.”
“What?Whatdoyoumean?”
“Jay'sbeenstayingintownwhileIwasgone―whileIwasout searchingforyouandtryingtofindwhokilledMcGurney."
“So,theothernightwhenyouhunguponCooper...?”
“IwasinVirginia.”
“Thatwasn'tyouinyourapartment?”
“No.Why?”
Ifeltarushofbloodfloodmycheeks.
“I...Ithoughtitwasyou.YouwalkedawayfromthewindowwhenI lookedupatyou.Ithoughtyoudidn'twanttoseeme."
“Jaywasthere,Ruby.Notme,”herepliedsoftly.“Iwantedtosee you.”
“ButyouhunguponCooper―”
“Becausehecalledataverybadtime.Ididn'thavetimetotalk.”
“Whydidn'tyoucallback?Ithoughtyouhatedme,”Iwhispered, avertingmygaze.
“Doyoustillthinkthatnow?”heasked,pullingmetightlyagainst him.
“Well,no,but―”
“IdidnotwanttotalktoyouonthephonebecauseIwantedtodoit inperson,”hesaidwithastraininhisvoice."Iknewthatyouwouldbeat Matty'sfuneral.PleaseunderstandthatasfuriousasIwaswithScarlet,I nevermeantyouharm.Watchingherdisappearthroughthatdoor, knowingthatsheheldyouprisoner―itnearlydrovememad.Ispentday andnightsearchingforhertonoavail.Icanassureyou,Ruby,ifshehad beenanywhereonthefaceofthisearth,Iwouldhavefoundher.
Eventually,Ithoughtthatperhapsyoubothdidnotwishtobefound,and therewerethingsthatIhadneglectedthatIcouldnotanylonger.Duty called.Dutyalwaysseemstocall.”Hisvoicewassadasheutteredhis finalthought.
“Iwouldneverhavechosentoleaveyou,”Isaid,squeezinghim tightly.“ButIcan'ttellyouhowhappyitmakesmetoknowthatyou neverheldwhathappenedagainstme."
Ismiled.
“Well,I'm supergladwejustclearedthatmessup,”Ijoked,pulling awayfromhim.
“Agreed,”hereplieddrylywithadevilishgrinonhisface.“Now,as muchasIwouldlovetoshowyoujusthowhappyitmakesme,Ican't.
Youshouldgocleanupforwork.I'vegotmatterstoattendto.I'm assumingthatCooperwillbekeepinganeyeonyournewroommatesto ensuretheirgoodbehavior."Histonewassoftbutwarning.Hestilldidn't trustthenewbies.“IthinkI'llhaveoneoftheboysstickaroundtokeep aneyeonyouandPeyta...forgoodmeasure.”
“Soundslikeaplantome.I'msureIcantalkCooperintoit,butI'm goingtoowehimbigtime,”Iinformedhim,tossinganoff-the-shoulder long-sleevetopon."I'mgoingtohavetogivehimthecarifIkeepitup.”
“Hecanhavethecar,justnotyou.”
“Oh,I'mhisandheknowsit,”Isaidinmockingtone.“Nowthat we'vestraightenedoutthathe'smyalpha,I'llneverheartheendofit!He lovesachancetobossmearound.”
“Don'tweall,”Seansaid,lookingatmethroughhoodedeyes.Those eyesweredangerousanddestinedtomakemelate.
“Okay,well,I'mgonnajet,”ItoldhimasIwiggledintomyskinny jeans.“WhenamIgoingtoseeyou?"
“Soon,”hemurmured.“Verysoon.”
Iwalkedovertohimtogivehimaquickkissbeforerunningdown thehalltothekitchen.
“That'ssuperhelpful,thanks,”Iyelledovermyshoulder.
“Iaimtoplease,”hecalledafterme,followingmeoutoftheroom.
Igrabbedawaterbottleandbananaoffthecounterthenmademy waytothefrontdoor.
“Callme,”Iordered,turningtofacethemysteriousmaninmylife.
“Andhowwillyouanswer?”heasked,flippingmyphoneoverand overinhishand.
“Please.Likeyoucouldn'tfigureoutaway.”
“Whereyou'reconcerned,Ruby,I'll alwaysfindaway.”
*
ThebellsjingledwhenPeytawalkedthroughthestoreentrance.
Theyweremusictomyears.Iwasbusyinthebackworkroomwhenshe camein,tryingtoseeifanythingneededmyattentionwhileadmiring Peyta'strulyaward-winningorganizationalskills.LikePavlov'sdog,I quicklymademywayoutfronttogreether.
“HeyP,”IcalledoutwhenIwalkedthroughtheopendoor.
“Ibroughtyouacoffeefromtheplacedownthestreetthatyou love,”shesaid,walkingtowardme.“AndIgotyouoneofthosepastry thingstoo.Youlookskinny.Theywereoutofchocolatebut―”Her wordscutoffsuddenly,asthoughsomeoutsideforcehadpressedpause, freezingherinplace.Hereyesglazedwhiletheywidened,staringjust beyondme.
“Peyta?Peyta,what’swrong?”Iasked,myconcernever-growing.
“Didsomethinghappen?Youlooklikeyou'veseena…”
12
“Ghost. ”
Myspinechilledasthatsinglewordnarrowlymadeitswayoutof mymouth.Afamiliarbutunwelcomesensationwashedoverme.Ihad hopedtoneverfeelitagain.
“Ruby,”Peytacalled,stillunabletopullhereyesawayfrom whateverstalkedmefrombehind.I,however,seemedunabletoforce myselftoturnaroundandfaceitatall.
MyabdominalscarburnedasifthememoryofGregory’sattack wasphysiologicallyetchedintoit,andIprayedthatIwasn'tinfora repeatperformance.BythelookonPeyta’sface,shewasn’tupfora roundtwoeither.Whenhereyesfinallymetmine,theywerefilledwith fear.BeforeIcoulddoanythingtocalmher,Ifeltthefaintestbrushof somethingagainstmyhair.
Ihadnoi
ntentionofstayingaroundtoseewhatelsehecouldtouch.
“Run,”ImouthedtoPeyta,barelymakingasound.Shedidn’t hesitate,andneitherdidI.Dartingfortheentrance,shehadthedoor rippedopenonlymomentsafterIroundedthecountertojoinher.So muchfornomorerunning,thoughIfeltthatinstancewarrantedan exceptiontotherule.
Iturnedtoslamthedoorbehindme,butwhatIsawlookingbackat mehaltedmyprogress.HisbodyfadedminutelywitheverystridePeyta tookdownthestreet,buthisfacewasunmistakable.Theexpressionit worewastoo―theperfectmixofsadnessandconfusion.I’dseenitonce beforethroughScarlet’seyes.
“PEYTA!”Iscreamedatherjustbeforeshecouldroundthecorner attheendoftheblock.“Comeback! Now!”
Withhesitation,thetinybrunettejoggedbacktowardme.I franticallylookedfromhertotheghostinmystore,watchingashisform solidifiedlittlebylittlewithherapproach.Whenshewasonlyyards away,Icautiouslyreenteredtheshop.Myhandsshook—tremorsgrowing
—asIapproachedhim.Hisexpressionremainedunchanged.
Iwassurprisedheworeoneatall,giventhatthelasttimeI’dseen himhedidn’thaveahead.
“Matty?”Icalled,myvoicecrackingasmythroattightened violently.Tearsrolledfreelydownmyface;Ibarelyfeltthem.Disbelief coursedtoostronglythroughmybodyandoffofhistofeelanythingelse.
“Youcanseeme,”hewhispered,slowlybringinghishandsbefore hisfacetoinvestigatetheirsolidity.
“Yes,”Peytarepliedfrombehindme.“Webothcan.”
Hisattentiondriftedtoherasshecametostandbesideme.Her demeanorhaddoneacompleteone-eightyfromwhatithadjustbeen.Her energywascalmlikeithadalwaysbeenwhenthesubjectoftheghosts cameup,thoughitwastingedwithahintofsorrowwhenshelookedat me.
WhenshelookedatMatty,thatsorrowturnedtorage.
“Ruby—”hestartedbeforePeytacuthimoff.
“Youshouldn’tbehere,”shefumed,herragebuildingrapidly.“You needtoleave.”
“Peyta!”Isnapped,grabbingherarm.
“HenearlykilledJay,”sheyelled,turninghatefuleyesonme.“It’s timeforhimtogo...somewherefarawayand verywarm.”
MattyandIbothvisiblycringedatherwords.Peytahadclearly foundanoutletforheremotionsfarsoonerthanI'dexpected,thoughI wasn’tcertainitwasgoingtobeanespeciallyhealthyone.
“What?”heasked,tryingtomakesenseofwhatshehadsaid.He seemeddisorientedandconfused,withnoobviousrecollectionofthe eventPeytaspokeof.Ibrokeoutinacoldsweat.Wouldheremember whatScarletdid?
“You,”Peytagrowledasshestalkedclosertohim,“youruined everything.Thisisallyourfault.”
“Ruby?”heasked,hiswideeyespleadingforunderstanding.
IclaspedahandaroundPeyta’sthinarmtokeepherfrom advancinganyfurther.ShewastooenragedtoseewhatIdid.Mattywas frightened.
“It’sokay,Matty,”Isaidsoftly,walkingpastPeyta.“Youdon’t remember.That’sallright.Idon’tremembereverythingeither."
“Areyou...?You’renot...?”hestarted,unabletofinishhisthoughts.
“No,Matty,”Isaidasanotherroguetearworkeditswayloose.“I’m notdead.”
Heclosedhiseyes,andIwatchedasthetensionlefthisbodywith onelargeexhale.Ofallthethingshehadtobeconcernedabout,mywell-beingwasfirstandforemostonhismind.Insteadofmakingmefeel better,Ifeltinfinitelyworse.IthoughtIwasgoingtobepotentially dealingwiththemindless,bloodthirstyroguewhohadnearlykilledSean, but,muchtothecontrary,IfoundmyselffacetofacewiththemanI thoughtI’dlostmonthsago.MyBoyScout.
“ThankGod,”hewhisperedtohimself.
“YouleaveGodoutofthis,”Peytasnipped,pickingupwhereshe leftoff.“Youwon’tbeseeinghimwhereyou’regoing."
“Peyta,please,”Ibegged,turningmyblearyeyesonher.“Iknow you’reangry,but—”
“Butwhat,Ruby?HemowedJaydownwithoutathoughtand woundedSeanprettybadlytoo.YouthinkIgiveashitabouthowhefeels rightnow?Idon't,andneithershouldyou.”
“Peyta,it’snotthatsimple.”
“Yes,Ruby,itreallyis.”Itwasherturntograbmebythearmand squeezefordearlife.Herbonyfingersdugpainfullyintomyfleshwhile hereyesboreholesintomyhead."Henearlytookfrommeeveryonethat hashelpedtokeepmegroundedinthissupernaturallife.Idon’tgivea fuckabouthim.Youshouldn'teither.”
“Jayisalive,Peyta,andsoamI.”
“Jaywon’tseemeanymore.Hemayaswellnotbealiveforallit countsnow.I’llneverseehimagain,andit’sallthankstohim,"shesaid, flinginganaccusatoryarminMatty’sdirection.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iasked,suddenlyfeelingthesame confusionMattywas.
“Hewantsnothingtodowithme,”sherepliedwitheyesascoldand hardenedashermother’s.“Heneverevenbotheredtotellmewhy, thoughI'msureithasalottodowithmenearlyfailinghim—my completeinabilitytodothejobIwasborntodo.”
“Thatcan’tberight,”Iargued,thinkingthatJayhadalwaysbeen thesolevoiceofreasonandperspectivewhenallotherswerelost."Did youaskhim?”
“Whatabout‘hewantsnothingtodowithme’wasn’tclear,Ruby?
Hehasn’tspokentomesinceIhealedhim.Hewon'tanswermytexts,my calls,andIhavenoideawhereheis,notthatitwouldmattermuch.I highlydoubthe’dbewillingtoseemeeither.”
“Peyta,Idon'tknowwhattosay.”
“There'snothingtosay,”shesaid,hervoicestillcold.“Iguess thingsmakealotmoresensetoyounowthough."Shesentmeaknowing glancethenpinnedhereyesbackonMatty.Shewasright;hercutting madeevenmoresenseafterknowingthatsheandJayweredone.
“Matty,doyourememberwhathappenedthatnightatSean's?”I askedinanattempttoascertainexactlywhatherememberedfromthat fatefulnight.
“Ican't...Idon'tknow.MyheadstartstopoundwheneverItrytoput thepiecestogether.”
“LetmegiveyoutheCliff'sNotesversion,”Peytasneered.“Your crazyfuckingwolfchargedJayandnearlytorehisthroatoutbeforeyou wentonarampagewithSean,drivingknivesthesizeofmachetesinto eachofhismajorjointsandorgans."
Hepressedhiseyesclosedasifhewastryingtohidefromher words,buthecouldn't,andeventuallyitwasapparentthatthefuzzyspots inhismemorybecamecrystalclear.
“Youkilledme,”hewhispered,bringinghiseyesuptomeetmine.
“Matty,I―”
“Youdon'tneedtoexplainshittohim,”Peytaspat.“Infact,I'm prettyoverthiswholesituation.I'llseeyoutomorrow,Ruby.I'mout."
Shesnatchedupherbelongingsandstormedthroughthedoor withoutanotherword.Iwashotonherheels.
“Peyta,wait.Please,”Icalledatherasshemadeherwaytothe corneranddownthealley.Shemovedfastforsomeonewithlegsfar shorterthanmine.Pausingtoletmecatchup,Islammedintoawallof hostileenergyassoonasIdid.
“No.Notthistime,Ruby.Thisistoomuch.”
“I'mworriedaboutyou,P.Whydidn'tyoutellmeaboutJay earlier?”
“Why?Itwouldn'tchangeanything.He'snotgoingtolistentoyou ifyoutrytosmooththingsover,which,bytheway,you'renotgoingto do,understandme?"
“OfcourseIwon't,butweneedtotalkaboutthis.”
“I'mallsetwithtalkingtoday.Itdoesn'thelpanyway.”
“Oh,andyoursolutiondoes?Haveyoueventoldyourmotherabout thatyet?”Herglaretoldmeshehadn't."I'mnotlettingthisgo,Peyta.I loveyoutoomuchforthat.IswearthatI'llcallherrightnowunlessyou promisemethatyou'regoingtogotohershoprightnowandtellher.I'll becheckinginwithhertonighttobesurey
oudid.”
Shesighedheavily,fightingbackhertears.
“Fine.”
“Peyta,pleaseunderstandthatregardlessofwhathappened,the Mattythat'sstandinginmyshoprightnow,he'snottheonethathurtJay.
Heneverwouldhavedonesomethinglikethatuntilyourfatherinfected him.Mattydidn'tstandachance―hewasdestinedtobecomewhatmade him.Pleasedon'tholdthatagainsthim.”IchokedonmytearsthatI couldnolongerwithhold.“Inevergottosaygoodbyetohimproperly.
Pleaseletmehavethat. Please.”
Shetriedtoremainangryatme,butshewasaboveprojectingher hostility,andsoonherragepeteredouttosadness.Sadnessforher,for me,andmaybeeventheslightestbitforMatty.Thecalmafterthestorm alwaysaffordedtheperspectivethatcouldn'tbefoundinthemoment.
“Okay,”shesighed,startingbackdownthealleytothemainroad.
“ButI'mnotstaying.I'llhangoutjustlongenoughforyoutosay goodbye.That'sit."
Mytearsrolledoffmycheeksfreely.Iwaselatedandhorrifiedby whatwasabouttohappen.I'dneverwantedsomethingmoreandlessat thesametime.
Aswewalkeddownthestreet,Itookherhandinmineandgavea squeeze.TheminutetighteningIfeltinreturnmademesmilethroughthe pain.Weenteredthestoretogether,expectingtofindMattywherewe'd lefthim,buthewasn't.Wesearchedhighandlow,buttherealitywas plain.MattywasgoneandI'dmissedmychancetotellhimhowsorryI was.
I’dmissedmychancetosaygoodbye.
13
“NO!”Iscreamed,slammingtheworkroomdoorshut.“Ihavetotellhim, P.Ijusthaveto.”
“Don'tpanicyet,”shesaidinanunsuccessfulattempttocalmme down.“Itdoesn'tmeanhe's gone,gone.Hemayhavejustgone somewhereelseforawhile.”
“Doyouthinkso?”Iasked,mydesperationplain.
“Idon'tknow.Iwasn'tveryfocusedonwhatstatehewasin.Ididn't getareadonhowlonghehadbeforehe'llfade."
“Fade?”
“Youknow,”shesaid,tryingtourgemetoseetheobvious.“Cross over.”
“Oh.”
“Listen,I'msorryaboutthis.Iknowhewasyourfriend,butIcan't helpblaminghimforwhathappened,”shesaidapologetically."Inever knewthepersonyouclaimhewasbeforehetriedtokillJayandSeanand thendroveScarletaway.”