Dual Control

  Produced by David Widger

  SHIP'S COMPANY

  By W.W. Jacobs

  DUAL CONTROL

  "Never say 'die,' Bert," said Mr. Culpepper, kindly; "I like you, and sodo most other people who know what's good for 'em; and if Florrie don'tlike you she can keep single till she does."

  Mr. Albert Sharp thanked him.

  "Come in more oftener," said Mr. Culpepper. "If she don't know a steadyyoung man when she sees him, it's her mistake."

  "Nobody could be steadier than what I am," sighed Mr. Sharp.

  Mr. Culpepper nodded. "The worst of it is, girls don't like steady youngmen," he said, rumpling his thin grey hair; "that's the silly part ofit."

  "But you was always steady, and Mrs. Culpepper married you," said theyoung man.

  Mr. Culpepper nodded again. "She thought I was, and that came to thesame thing," he said, composedly. "And it ain't for me to say, but shehad an idea that I was very good-looking in them days. I had chestnuttyhair. She burnt a piece of it only the other day she'd kept for thirtyyears."

  A very faint squeeze in return decided him]

  "Burnt it? What for?" inquired Mr. Sharp.

  "Words," said the other, lowering his voice. "When I want one thingnowadays she generally wants another; and the things she wants ain't thethings I want."

  Mr. Sharp shook his head and sighed again.

  "You ain't talkative enough for Florrie, you know," said Mr. Culpepper,regarding him.

  "I can talk all right as a rule," retorted Mr. Sharp. "You ought to hearme at the debating society; but you can't talk to a girl who doesn't talkback."

  "You're far too humble," continued the other. "You should cheek her abit now and then. Let 'er see you've got some spirit. Chaff 'er."

  "That's no good," said the young man, restlessly. "I've tried it. Onlythe other day I called her 'a saucy little kipper,' and the way she wenton, anybody would have thought I'd insulted her. Can't see a joke, Is'pose. Where is she now?"

  "Upstairs," was the reply.

  "That's because I'm here," said Mr. Sharp. "If it had been Jack Butlershe'd have been down fast enough."

  "It couldn't be him," said Mr. Culpepper, "because I won't have 'im inthe house. I've told him so; I've told her so, and I've told 'er auntso. And if she marries without my leave afore she's thirty she loses theseven hundred pounds 'er father left her. You've got plenty of time--tenyears."

  Mr. Sharp, sitting with his hands between his knees, gazed despondentlyat the floor. "There's a lot o' girls would jump at me," he remarked."I've only got to hold up my little finger and they'd jump."

  "That's because they've got sense," said Mr. Culpepper. "They've got thesense to prefer steadiness and humdrumness to good looks and dash. Ayoung fellow like you earning thirty-two-and-six a week can do withoutgood looks, and if I've told Florrie so once I have told her fiftytimes."

  "Looks are a matter of taste," said Mr. Sharp, morosely. "Some of themgirls I was speaking about just now--"

  "Yes, yes," said Mr. Culpepper, hastily. "Now, look here; you go on adifferent tack. Take a glass of ale like a man or a couple o' glasses;smoke a cigarette or a pipe. Be like other young men. Cut a dash, anddon't be a namby-pamby. After you're married you can be as miserable asyou like."

  Mr. Sharp, after a somewhat lengthy interval, thanked him.

  "It's my birthday next Wednesday," continued Mr. Culpepper, regarding himbenevolently; "come round about seven, and I'll ask you to stay tosupper. That'll give you a chance. Anybody's allowed to step a bit overthe mark on birthdays, and you might take a glass or two and make aspeech, and be so happy and bright that they'd 'ardly know you. If youwant an excuse for calling, you could bring me a box of cigars for mybirthday."

  "Or come in to wish you 'Many Happy Returns of the Day,'" said thethrifty Mr. Sharp.

  "And don't forget to get above yourself," said Mr. Culpepper, regardinghim sternly; "in a gentlemanly way, of course. Have as many glasses asyou like--there's no stint about me."

  "If it ever comes off," said Mr. Sharp, rising--"if I get her throughyou, you shan't have reason to repent it. I'll look after that."

  Mr. Culpepper, whose feelings were a trifle ruffled, said that he would"look after it too." He had a faint idea that, even from his own pointof view, he might have made a better selection for his niece's hand.

  Mr. Sharp smoked his first cigarette the following morning, and,encouraged by the entire absence of any after-effects, purchased a pipe,which was taken up by a policeman the same evening for obstructing thepublic footpath in company with a metal tobacco-box three parts full.

  In the matter of ale he found less difficulty. Certainly the taste wasunpleasant, but, treated as medicine and gulped down quickly, it wasendurable. After a day or two he even began to be critical, and onMonday evening went so far as to complain of its flatness to the wide-eyed landlord of the "Royal George."

  "Too much cellar-work," he said, as he finished his glass and made forthe door.

  "Too much! 'Ere, come 'ere," said the landlord, thickly. "I want tospeak to you."

  The expert shook his head, and, passing out into, the street, changedcolour as he saw Miss Garland approaching. In a blundering fashion heclutched at his hat and stammered out a "Good evening."

  Miss Garland returned the greeting and, instead of passing on, stoppedand, with a friendly smile, held out her hand. Mr. Sharp shook itconvulsively.

  "You are just the man I want to see," she exclaimed. "Aunt and I havebeen talking about you all the afternoon."

  Mr. Sharp said "Really!"

  "But I don't want uncle to see us," pursued Miss Garland, in the lowtones of confidence. "Which way shall we go?"

  Mr. Sharp's brain reeled. All ways were alike to him in such company.He walked beside her like a man in a dream.

  "We want to give him a lesson," said the girl, presently. "A lesson thathe will remember."

  "Him?" said the young man.

  "Uncle," explained the girl. "It's a shocking thing, a wicked thing, totry and upset a steady young man like you. Aunt is quite put out aboutit, and I feel the same as she does."

  "But," gasped the astonished Mr. Sharp, "how did you?"

  "Aunt heard him," said Miss Garland. "She was just going into the roomwhen she caught a word or two, and she stayed outside and listened. Youdon't know what a lot she thinks of you."

  Mr. Sharp's eyes opened wider than ever. "I thought she didn't like me,"he said, slowly.

  "Good gracious!" said Miss Garland. "Whatever could have put such anidea as that into your head? Of course, aunt isn't always going to letuncle see that she agrees with him. Still, as if anybody could help--"she murmured to herself.

  "Eh?" said the young man, in a trembling voice.

  "Nothing."

  Miss Garland walked along with averted face; Mr. Sharp, his pulsesbounding, trod on air beside her.

  "I thought," he said, at last "I thought that Jack Butler was a favouriteof hers?"

  "Jack Butler!" said the girl, in tones of scornful surprise. "The idea!How blind men are; you're all alike, I think. You can't see two inchesin front of you. She's as pleased as possible that you are coming onWednesday; and so am--"

  Mr. Sharp caught his breath. "Yes?" he murmured.

  "Let's go down here," said Miss Garland quickly; "down by the river. AndI'll tell you what we want you to do."

  She placed her hand lightly on his arm, and Mr. Sharp, with a tremuloussmile, obeyed. The smile faded gradually as he listened, and anexpression of anxious astonishment took its place. He shook his head asshe proceeded, and twice ventured a faint suggestion that she was onlyspeaking in jest. Convinced at last, against his will, he walked on insilent consternation.

/>   "But," he said at last, as Miss Garland paused for breath, "your unclewould never forgive me. He'd never let me come near the house again."

  "Aunt will see to that," said the girl, confidently. "But, of