Witty Pieces by Witty People, Page 4
Various
carried it to the creek, put it on the shingle and ferried itacross."
"How strange!" said some one.
"That's only the beginning," said the narrator.
"When the man saw his ear of corn disappear in a hollow tree hedetermined to recover his lost property, and started, ax in hand, towade the creek. It was a little over waist deep, and he had on a heavyovercoat fastened by one big button at the top. As he came up out of thewater the coat seemed exceedingly heavy, and looking down he saw thatboth the big side pockets were full of shad."
Here a chorus of laughter interrupted, but with a solemn face the storyteller went on:
"That was a small matter to those that follow. When the man came up outof the water the weight of the wet overcoat, further weighed with thefish, broke off the button, and it flew off to one side where a rabbitcrouched in the bush. The button hit him in a tender spot behind theear, and he keeled over, and with a few pitiful kicks expired."
Here the laughter was so boisterous as to interrupt the narrator fornearly a minute, and then he proceeded:
"Picking up the rabbit, the man concluded it was not the kind of game hewanted, and he flung it aside. It was late in the evening, and just atthis moment it so happened that a covey of partridges had huddledtogether for the night, with their heads bunched together in the center,according to their habit."
Here a suppressed titter ran round the company.
"Oh," said the narrator, with some indignation, "it is well known thatpartridges huddle together in just that way."
"Go on," they said.
"When the rabbit fell its head struck the bunch of heads and killed allthe partridges." (Laughter.)
"When the man had picked up the partridges he went to the hollow treeand cut it down. He got back fifty bushels of corn, and it proved to bea bee tree, so that he got ten barrels of honey. Not only this, but thetop of the tree fell in the stream, and the creek ran sweet for twentyyears."
This took the cake, which will be served next Sunday.
P. S.--There is no space here to tell about the Georgia hen that turnedgray after the snakes got her chickens, or the young partridges thatafterward hatched under her sitting and became the solace of herdeclining years. All this and much more I would tell if I had time.
--_W. G. C. in Atlanta Constitution._
Hugging the Shore.
I went one day to sail in a yacht With the very best girl I had, And indeed I was thankful at my lot, Which you'll see was not at all bad.
The sea ran high far away outside; And as, in the sea's dread lore, I was not well versed, I concluded to glide Near by, so I hugged the shore.
Anon, as the twilight round us fell, I spooned with the lively maid, And what I did but the stars could tell, And they will not, I'm afraid.
And anon again I asked her to show How a maid could a man adore; And she showed me how till I could but know, And again I hugged the show-er.
--_Wasp._
A Night of Terror.
Miss Debut--Do you know, Mr. Reimer, I dreamed last night that I wasreading your poetry?
Mr. Reimer--Indeed! you flatter me highly, I am sure.
Miss Debut--I don't know about that; I remember that I tried with all mymight to wake up and couldn't.
--_Once a Week._
Where the Gold Comes From.
Bostone--How long do you suppose these gold mines out here will continueprofitable, Mr. Boomer?
Boomer--Just so long as our Eastern stockholders will stand theassessments without kicking.
--_Lowell Citizen._
His Cure for Sleeplessness.
"Do you ever want to sleep, Major, when you can't?" I asked of a veryconvivial friend.
"Of course, of course, sah."
"Well, what do you do?"
"What do I do? You blamed idiot, what would any man with a brain do?Why, when I want to sleep and feel so wide awake that I could go out andread in the dark I go take a good, long drink of my customary beverage,sah. You know what that is. Then, sah, if that fails, I go take anothah.If that does not kiss down my eyelids I go and take two. If Morpheusrefuses to lock me in his arms I go and take three more, and by thattime I don't care a continental darn whether I ever go to sleep or not."
--_Toledo Blade._
Hard to Believe.
"Pa," said a lad to his father, "I have often read of people poor buthonest; why don't they sometimes say 'rich but honest?'"
"Tut, tut, my son, nobody would believe them," answered the father.
--_Liverpool Post._
AFTER A CLEW.
Methods of the Modern Detective Illustrated by a Small Incident.
"I'll follow him to the ends of the earth! He shall not escape me!"
The tall, powerfully built man, attired in a suit of dark blue, whohissed these words through his set teeth, stood in a shadow of aone-story coal house in a dark, noisome, Philadelphia-like alley, andwatched with widely staring eyes a figure moving slowly along down theHong Kong district of Clark street.
The watcher was wide awake, and the saloons had not yet closed for thenight.
It was evident he was not a policeman.
Emerging from the alley he followed stealthily the object of his pursuitlike a sleuth hound on the track of its prey. Moving along in the shadowof the buildings and halting now and then, but never relaxing for oneinstant his eager watchfulness, he kept his man in sight for nearly anhour.
Down Clark to Harrison, west on Harrison to the river, across the bridgeto Canal, up Canal to Monroe, and westward on that street for many andmany a weary block moved this singular--or rather plural--procession.
"He little thinks he is followed," muttered the relentless pursuer."I'll shadow him to his lair now if it takes till the next centennial!"
At last the man whom he was following halted at a modest dwelling,opened the gate that afforded the entrance to the little yard in front,and as he turned to close it his face, plainly visible in the glare of astreet lamp close by, was for one brief moment exposed to the hawk-likegaze of the mysterious pursuer in the dark blue suit, who had crouchedin the shadow of a friendly Indian cigar sign across the way. The nextinstant he had disappeared within the house.
With a smothered cry of exultation the eager watcher took out a notebook and pencil and jotted down a memorandum. His fingers trembled withexcitement.
"I saw his face!" he said in a hysterical whisper. "I was not mistaken.And now I have his street and number. At last I am on the trail. If hefinds out anything about that mysterious disappearance I'll know justwhere he goes to get it. Ha! At last! At last!"
* * * * *
He was a high-priced detective shadowing a $15-a-week newspaper reporterto see if he could find some clew to the latest mystery that wasbaffling the entire force.
--_Detroit Free Press._
Two of a Kind.
A bright little girl was taken by her father out into the country tovisit an uncle whom she called Walsh. As the two drove along the countryroad, the little one spied a scarecrow in a field, and exclaimed: "Oh,papa, there's Uncle Walsh." Papa laughed hugely at the joke, but toldher that she was mistaken; that what she saw was only a scarecrow. Alittle further along and Uncle Walsh's farm was reached, and way out inthe field was Uncle Walsh at work. The little girl's eyes were the firstto catch sight of him, but she wasn't to be fooled so easily this time."Oh, papa," she cried, "look at that scarecrow!" Papa did look, and hasnot got through laughing yet.
--_Buffalo Express._
A Change of Manoeuver.
Guide to battlefields (sure of h
is party, he thinks)--Yes, sah, hit werejest hyer that the rebels gin to run, an'----
Tourist (bantering him)--Come, now! run? I was a reb myself and don'tbelieve they ran.
Guide--Hole on, boss; you ain't let me get through. I didn't say whichway dey wuz runnin'; 'twas to'ards de enemy.
--_Harper's Weekly._
The Latest Style.
Customer (who has brought material for a gown and trimming for a bonneteight days before)--This costume appears to be very short and tight! Didyou use all the goods?
Modiste--Great Heavens! Can it be that I made the gown out of the bonnettrimming and trimmed the bonnet with the dress pattern?
--_Fliegende Blaetter._
If the Prince of Wales' serious attack of the gout continues muchlonger, it will begin to affect the walk of swell young men
