"You---" Tom said, wagging a finger at her. "I owe you one!"
"And I always collect," Torres purred, sliding her eyes at him
in a sidelong glance.
He loved when she did that. The effect was the same as if she'd
stroked his cheek or kissed him in that special spot behind and below
the ear. It sent hot chills up and down his spine. He'd never known
there was such a thing as a hot chill--- until he'd kissed B'Elanna
Torres.
Malista joined them on the floor. "Well, what do you think?" She
looked around the holodeck, enjoying the minute details that made the
circus atmosphere seem so real. There were even animal sounds
drifting softly through the tent walls as if there were animals in
cages just outside.
"Where's the cotton candy?" Tom whined.
Torres elbowed him.
"OW! Torres, if you don't quit trying to crack my ribs with your
pointy little elbow, I'm going to start wearing armor!"
Malista turned away from their cheerful banter and lost herself
in studying the rigging. "I wonder if I could still do the high wire.
I'm rusty."
Torres and Paris exchanged looks. "Come on, Malista," Tom said
cajolingly. "Where are the food vendors? That's half the fun of a
circus. Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, corny dogs, candy apples---
all that good stuff that you throw up after you get home!"
"That's disgusting," Torres said, making a face.
"You've obviously never really done a circus properly," Tom
commented virtuously. "Eating yourself into a stupor on stuff your
mom won't let you have at home is half the fun."
Malista turned and smiled at the pair of them. "It's okay. I
know it's time for dinner. Why don't you two go ahead?"
"You want to come with us to the mess hall?"
Her eyes suddenly frosted over. "No."
"And I suppose Sandrine's is out?"
"Yes."
"You have to eat."
"Tom, don't nag," she said tiredly. "I'll eat in my quarters. I
still have plenty of replicator rations."
"Malista---" Torres began.
"No. B'Elanna, I don't want to talk about it," she shrugged,
moving over to a bench next to the center ring to pick up her robe.
"I want to know what happened," Paris stated. "And if it would
do any good for me to go punch out Harry Kim." He didn't sound like
he was joking.
Torres put her hand on his arm. He looked down at her. She shook
her head, her brown eyes convincing him he shouldn't push his 'little
sister' right now. It was too soon.
Malista slipped the dark green robe on over her tights and
belted the waist. "Tom, B'Elanna, there is one thing I want to tell
you," she said impassively. "What happened is between Harry and me. I
don't want you to---interfere. I never wanted to come between you.
You three have been friends since you all came aboard Voyager. I
don't want my---anything to do with me to ruin that friendship."
"That may not be your decision," Tom replied, his jaw taut, his
posture stiff.
Malista looked at him sharply. "You don't know what happened,
Tom. Stay out of it. Harry is your friend. I'm your friend. I'm not
asking you to take sides---I wouldn't do that to you---to either of
you. I can't---I don't think I can be around Harry. Not yet. I'm
going to stay out of his way. But you two---I can still see you. Just
don't try to---fix things, okay? It will only make things---worse."
She tried to hide the tears filling her eyes by retying the sash at
her waist. "I think it's---we're beyond fixing. It just didn't work
out."
Tom and B'Elanna stepped forward and hugged her, one on each
side. She put her arms around both of them. After a moment, she
stepped back. "Thanks. Both of you. I'll be okay," she said,
reassuring them. "Really. I will. You can tell Harry---no, on second
thought, never mind. Well, B'Elanna," she said with false heartiness.
"How do you like my exercise program?"
maybe you can teach me some tricks---and when the next talent show
comes up---we'll surprise a few people." She picked up her own robe
and put it on. Roaming the corridors in tights wasn't a good idea.
Malista flinched at the word 'surprise'. "Well, I think I'll go
take a shower and get something to eat."
"Promise me you'll eat something. And get some rest. And---"
Shadow covered his lips with her fingertip. "You're starting to
nag again, Paris. You're my brother---not my mother!" She let her
hand drop to her side.
He tried to smile. "Okay. But you don't need to go back to
hiding in your quarters. And if you need company---"
"I know," she said gently, "and I promise that if I need
anything, I'll tell you---one of you. Thank you. Now go have dinner!"
After saving the program, she shooed them out the exit ahead of her.
As soon as she disappeared around the bend of the corridor, Tom
took B'Elanna into his arms, clinging to her as if to a lifeline. She
wrapped her arms around him and tilted her head back. She'd never
seen him wear such a---bleak expression. "What is it, Tom?"
He shook his head, started to speak, then closed his mouth and
shook his head again. He pulled her more tightly to him and rested
his cheek upon the top of her head.
"I'm worried about her, too," Torres offered. "And Harry."
They could hear voices approaching and knew the moment of
privacy was over. Tom stepped back from the hug but kept one arm
around her as they turned and started for the mess hall. It seemed as
if he couldn't bear to let her get out of his reach. B'Elanna felt a
tingle of apprehension at the base of her neck. She had a bad feeling
about this.
The situation was bad enough with Malista and Harry no longer being
on speaking terms---but what if Tom let himself be drawn in? Could
they actually stay friends with both Harry and Malista? What kind of
emotional damage was this doing to Tom? Being forced to choose? Was
that all that was bothering him?
She got the feeling there was more to it than that. Something to do
with her or with them. Damn it! Why wouldn't he tell her what was
wrong? She needed to talk to someone about this.
***********************
It had been three days. Those involved in the ship's betting
pool were confused. The lack of definitive evidence---or failing that
a reliable source of gossip ---as to the cause of the unforeseen
Kim/Shadow breakup meant that the odds on reconciliation or total
failure of the relationship were almost impossible to calculate. That
didn't, however, stop them from trying.
Malista Shadow had three visitors on the second evening. Jenny
and Megan Delaney and Susan Nicoletti came to call. They seemed
subdued, as if visiting someone in mourning---which in a sense, they
were. Malista invited them in, offered them refreshments, then
waited for them to comment.
With a typical lack of tact, Jenny Delaney burst out with, "I
just can't believe you brok
e up with Harry Kim after all the trouble
we went to! We helped you land him!"
"He's not a fish," Shadow commented dryly. Her face was
unreadable. She was very calm and in control.
Jenny waved an impatient hand. "You know what I mean! What
happened?"
"Jenny!" Sue chided. "I told you not to ask that. It's none of
our business."
Shadow shook her head slightly. "It's all right, Susan. Let's
sum it up by saying that Harry and I---we found we were mistaken
about our feelings for each other. Let's leave it at that."
Megan Delaney's mouth was ajar. "But you two seemed so---right
together! You were such a cute couple!" Nicoletti elbowed her.
Malista's mouth twisted in what could have been an attempt at a
smile. "A couple of what?" It seemed to be an inside joke. Her
friends didn't get it.
"Well, if you want to date someone else---"Jenny began.
"No! Thank you," Malista said quickly. "Jenny, I appreciate
your---concern ---but I'm not interested."
"Give her some time," Sue suggested. She'd known it was a bad
idea to let the Delaneys visit Shadow this soon, but there'd been no
way to stop them without hurting their feelings. They considered
Malista their friend. They were trying the best way they knew to help
her. It just wasn't the sort of help Shadow could or would accept---
at least not this soon.
Megan and Jenny exchanged glances. They got to their feet. "If
we can help, let us know," they offered in unison. They often spoke
in unison. It was some kind of side effect of being identical twins.
Malista nodded, a slight smile twitching at her lips. "Thank
you. I appreciate the offer. It's---comforting to have friends."
The twins looked touched. They didn't have many women friends.
Only two---Malista Shadow and Susan Nicoletti. Other women merely
tolerated them. They were much too attractive and flirtatious to be
popular with other women who saw them as a threat.
Sue shepherded them out of Malista's cabin. She stopped in the
doorway. "Are you okay?" she asked with a direct look that demanded
an honest answer.
"I will be," Shadow replied. "Do me a favor? Tell the rumor
mill---it's not all Harry's fault. I---don't want him treated badly
on my account."
Nicoletti's eyes narrowed. "Whether he deserves it or not?"
Shadow met her eyes with a blank look. "That's not what I said.
Just tell them, please?"
"Okay. I'll put out the word. I don't know how much people will
pay attention. People tend to make up their own minds---especially if
they don't have the facts," Sue commented. "Take care."
Malista sighed and sank back into her chair, staring intently at
nothing in particular. The last time she and Harry had---disagreed---
at the beginning of their relationship, it had become common
knowledge that he'd treated her badly. As a result, every woman
aboard had taken out her anger on him. Malista didn't want a repeat
of that. It was too disruptive to the functioning of the ship.
After all, it wasn't Harry's fault that he was still in love with
Libby. Malista had known going into the relationship that it probably
wouldn't last. She'd tried to tell herself that this time---she
wouldn't make any mistakes. She would be whatever Harry wanted her to
be. Or she would try her best.
She should have known she couldn't compete with Libby. Or at
least, his memory of Libby. She was too---inadequate. Among other
things. She was too tall. She was too shy. She had all kinds of
emotional problems. She was inexperienced in the physical aspects of
male/female relationships---except for having been a victim of rape--
-which had left her traumatized and afraid of physical intimacy.
Harry Kim was Starfleet. He was a genius in more than one area
of interest. He was the Operations Officer with the responsibility
for keeping all the ship's systems balanced and operating to top
capacity. He'd proven himself to be a good officer and an invaluable
asset to the ship's crew. He was a good man and had been a good
friend to Tom Paris, when others hadn't given Tom a chance at all.
She was a Maquis. A farm girl. An uneducated farm girl---no, a
self-educated farm girl from a colony world. He'd gone to the
Academy, one of the Federation's toughest and most demanding schools.
She was a competent technician, but no genius---at anything. She'd
taught herself most of what she knew through home schooling or
reading for enjoyment. He played classical music on the clarinet and
gave concerts. She couldn't master playing scales on any instrument.
She could sing---but she wasn't trained, and her tastes ran more to
show tunes. They had nothing in common.
Well, two things. They both liked Tom and B'Elanna. And they
enjoyed kissing each other. The physical side of the relationship had
been moving ahead slowly. She enjoyed sharing kisses and hugs,
touching him. But certain touches triggered flashbacks---something
she hadn't told Harry, but he'd seemed to sense it when she tensed.
He'd tried to get her to talk about it---but she just couldn't.
Talking about it---made it seem so real. She had hoped that with
time, but now---Would she ever be able to let another man touch her?
If another man would ever want to?
She still didn't understand exactly what had triggered Harry's
outburst of jealousy. She must have done something, but she honestly
couldn't think what it could be. She took that as a sign that she was
even dumber than she'd thought. She didn't know what she might have
done, but if Harry said she had---He was not the type to make things
up. Maybe he---maybe it was a misunderstanding?
No. Harry wouldn't have been that angry without reason. She'd
known from the start that she didn't deserve a man like Harry. But he
shouldn't have to suffer the censure of the others on the ship for
correcting the mistake he'd made in getting involved with---someone
like her. A total screwup. Everything she touched---how many more
people were going to pay for getting close to her? Her three friends
on Huldon III, Niko Dishon---
Not Harry Kim. Not if she could do anything to prevent it.
***********************
The messhall was crowded. Gamma Shift was having dinner while
Alpha Shift was having breakfast. Most of the tables were full or
overcrowded. Harry Kim was sitting alone. No one approached to share
his table.
He was becoming resigned to the fact that he had once again become a
pariah. He sipped his coffee and tried to pretend it didn't matter.
That he hadn't noticed. It wasn't that difficult to pretend. He'd
learned from the best. He'd watched Tom Paris do it a thousand times
since coming aboard Voyager as an observer.
A sudden silence throughout the room caught his attention. He
glanced up.
Malista Shadow, tray in hand, was standing at his side.
His good manners kicked in automatically. He got to his feet---
then stood staring at her, not knowing what to expect. He couldn
't
get his mouth to open to begin an apology.
"Harry." Her demeanor gave no hint to what she was thinking. She
spoke quietly, for his ears alone. "I wanted to tell you---it's okay.
I think I understand."
"Malista, I---" he began, stuttering to a stop as she shook her
head.
"I don't want anyone blaming you. I thought if I stopped to say
hello, they'd get the message. And, by the way, please take my word
for it, I'm not going to kill myself because of this---or for any
other reason. Have a good day," she added casually, as if she hadn't
just figuratively dropped a bomb on him. She strolled away and
seated herself with Sue Nicoletti and a crowd from Engineering.
The buzz of conversation in the messhall increased audibly.
Harry sank into his chair. His face was blank---because his mind was
blank. He literally was beyond thought.
But Malista was correct. The ship's gossips spread the story of
the messhall meeting between the two of them all over the ship in
less than an hour. The lack of overt animosity between the two fueled
the discussion of who had broken up with whom and for what reason.
The gossips and the betting pool were stumped for the first time.
There were multiple theories---but no evidence or substantive rumors
to account for the split. And the participants weren't helping. They
weren't talking---to each other or anyone else. Neither Harry or
Malista had commented to anyone on the incident or about each other.
The lack of invective made it hard to assess blame and consequences.
The betting pool saw a sudden slump in activity. After a few days,
with no accusing scenes or temper tantrums from either party, the
gossips moved on to juicier subjects. Such as Freddie Bristow's
latest target: Diane Russell, ship's librarian. Bets began to be
laid on her receptivity to his attentions, Crewman Aron Dalby's
reaction, and on how long Freddie would be allowed to live---if he
didn't stop being such a nuisance.
**********************
Tom Paris had been increasingly---haunted was the best
description B'Elanna could come up with---since Harry and Malista had
gone their separate ways. Harry had been avoiding both of them while
off duty. It was impossible to avoid them on duty, but it was
possible to act professionally. They each went about their tasks,