Cupid Has a Heart-On, Page 6

  The three of us continue to stare wide-eyed at all of them, still screaming, laughing, and humping against each other’s asses until we hear a loud pop, and Scheva and Noel start jumping up and down, high-fiving each other in victory.

  “Weird,” Nicholas muses. “I don’t usually high-five my partner when I explode against her ass. Bitches be trippin’.”

  When the women start reassembling back into their seats around the living room, the three of us quickly duck out of sight and head back to the kitchen, where we were banished to when the party started.

  Walking by the guest bathroom in the hallway, I stop in my tracks and do a double-take.

  “Reggie, are you shitting with the door open?” I ask in horror, unable to look away at him planted on the toilet with his pants around his ankles, flipping through one of my romance novels he was so pissed about earlier.

  “It’s my house. If I want to shit with the door open, I will shit with the door open. Holly shits in public and no one bats an eye,” he complains, pointing to his granddaughter fast asleep in Nicholas’ arms.

  Yes, Nicholas and his wife, Casey, named their daughter Holly. Holly Holiday. Obviously they forgot how miserable Noel was her entire life growing up with a name like Noel Holiday and decided to torture their own daughter.

  “Holly is a baby and can shit wherever she wants,” Nicholas says from behind me. “And what the hell are you reading?”

  Reggie flips the book over to look at the cover and shrugs. “This Seduction and Chocolate thingamajiggy. It’s not bad. It’s not good either, but it’s not bad. The word vagina is in here an awful lot. I think the author might be one of those lesbos.”

  Holding my breath, I reach in and grab the door handle, slamming the door closed so no one else has to witness the horror of Reggie taking a dump while reading porn.

  The three of us continue heading into the kitchen, Nicholas and Alex taking a seat at the table while I grab my cup of tea I left on the counter. We try to block out the loud, ear-piercing noises still coming from the living room, but it’s impossible.

  “It’s really not fair we can’t stay in there and watch them fondle dildos,” Alex complains. “And what the fuck do they need those things for anyway when they’ve got us? We should just go in there and let them fondle OUR dildos. Pass them around, rub them a bit, maybe even have a few taste-tests.”

  I’ll be honest here. I know I joked about Noel and vibrators earlier, but I’m not gonna lie. I got a little jealous when I watched the owners of the company pull out one called Chocolate Thunder. What if Noel would rather spend her nights with that beast instead of me? I must not have been able to hide the look of worry on my face when Noel gave me a kiss and told me nothing could compare to having the real thing. I sucked it up and still told her to snatch one of the smaller ones and meet me out in my truck as soon as she could sneak away.

  “So, what’s everyone’s plans for Valentine’s Day?” Nicholas asks nonchalantly, to which Alex immediately snorts. “What? Why is that funny?”

  Alex shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “One does not simply make plans for Valentine’s Day. One goes to a bar and finds the one group of women who hate Valentine’s Day and have decided to make it a Girl’s Night Out and drink away their misery at not having a special someone to buy them expensive flowers and chocolates. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, dude.”

  “Really? Didn’t you already break your hit-it-and-quit-it rule by having dinner with Scheva tonight AND coming here together?” I laugh. “I bet you already bought her a cute little card with a picture of cupid on the front, didn’t you?”

  Alex’s face gets beet red and I’m honestly shocked. At the fact that he did indeed see Scheva again and that he seems to be embarrassed about it.

  “I told you, I’m only there for the pussy. The fact that I picked up a red, lace nightgown and heart-shaped box of chocolates when I happened to spot them on an end-cap at the store today means nothing. I am free to give them to anyone,” he explains.

  “Do I even want to ask what you’re getting my sister?” Nicholas questions, taking his eyes off his daughter long enough to shoot me a questioning look. “Or, are you just going to propose?”

  I laugh and shake my head. “Um, I already did that, genius.”

  “You fake did that. It doesn’t count.”

  “I’m pretty sure it does,” I argue. “I told her to keep my mother’s ring. That means we’re engaged, even if I was pretending to be that other douche fuck when I did it. She knows I meant every word I said to her on Christmas Eve.”

  “Get a load of what this dummy was going to do,” Alex chuckles, looking at Nicholas and pointing his thumb in my direction. “He put a key to his house in a ring box and was going to get down on one knee and ask her to move in.”

  Alex continues laughing and Nicholas lets out a soft, low whistle.

  “Dude, she’d kill you,” he mutters. “I once gave my wife a box the exact size and shape of a ring box a year after we started dating. She was crying and saying yes before she even opened it.”

  “What was in there?” Alex questions him.

  “A heart-shaped charm for a charm bracelet she had at the time. She kicked me right in the balls and didn’t speak to me for a week.”

  Alex looks at me pointedly. “See? I told you it wasn’t a good idea.”

  I ignore both of them while they continue talking for a few minutes about how stupid I am, like I’m not standing right here.

  “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Scheva told me some pretty interesting things about Noel tonight,” Alex announces with a smirk. “I’m not supposed to repeat them or she threatened to never let me see her naked again, so you better keep your trap shut or you’ll be in charge of finding me another perfect pussy just like hers.”

  I really shouldn’t listen to gossip about Noel or listen to anything Alex relays back to me, but maybe Scheva gave him some insight on how I can get Noel to realize I don’t want to take away her independence; I just want to be with her.

  “The consensus is – you’re not man enough to take care of her.”

  Choking on my mouthful of tea, it takes me a few minutes before I’m able to speak.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Nicholas laughs and I shoot him a dirty look.

  “When Scheva and I were at dinner after she got off of work, she said she had lunch with Noel today. I don’t really remember everything Scheva told me because, again, have you seen the tits on that girl?” Alex asks with wide eyes. “Also, when chicks talk it’s always Blah, blah, blah, why don’t you ever send me flowers or do something nice for me, and I kind of tuned her out through most of it just in case that’s the direction she was heading. I heard something about you being a pussy. You’re welcome.”

  That can’t be right. There’s no way he heard Scheva correctly. Maybe he was drunk.

  “Were you drinking at dinner?” I immediately question.

  “I like to be in control of all my facilities when the possibility of getting some ass is on the table later on. Gives the women one less reason to reject me,” he explains with his twisted, slutty reasoning.

  “I’m not a pussy, I’m a fucking Marine. That’s the exact opposite of a pussy,” I complain, taking another sip of my tea.

  Alex and Nicholas both watch me silently for a few seconds before laughing their asses off.

  “Yep, you’re totally not a pussy. When’s the tea party, little girl. Are you going to put on a pretty pink dress and a bonnet for the occasion?” Nicholas snorts.

  Wondering what the fuck their talking about, I look down and realize I’m drinking out of a delicate white china tea cup with little pink roses painted on it. Since the handle is so tiny, I can’t fit all my fingers around it and maybe my pinky was up in the air when I took my last drink of it. Whatever. Assholes.

  “I had a sore throat from standing out in the cold with Reggie earlier and Bev made me tea! Fuck off,” I grumble, gently set
ting the cup down on the counter behind me.

  Sure, I could have slammed it down to make my point, but Bev would kill me if I broke one of her good china cups.

  “Noel doesn’t think I’m not man enough to take care of her. Nope, no way,” I argue, crossing my arms in front of me.

  “I heard it with my own ears, dude,” Alex confirms with a nod of his head.

  “You heard it with your own selective hearing ears,” Nicholas tells him with a roll of his eyes, turning around in his seat to face me with his daughter still fast asleep in his arms. “Here’s an idea, how about you just ask my sister if she said that?”

  Right. Exactly. I can just ask Noel. She seemed like she wanted to talk when I first got here earlier, but she got cut off when the sex toy ladies came.

  “Yes, because that would be a fun conversation to have,” Alex laughs, clearing his throat and mimicking my deeper voice. “Hey, babe. So, what’s the deal? Do you think I’m a pussy?”

  He sits up taller and bats his eyelashes, pretending to twirl a lock of hair around his finger and switches his voice higher. “Ummmm, well, kind of. I mean, you drink out of tiny tea cups and you’ve never given me anal.”

  My arms drop to my hips and I scowl at him.

  “How the fuck do you know I’ve never given her anal?”

  Nicholas groans and brings his free hand up to cover one ear. “Seriously, you’re talking about my sister!”

  “HAVE you given her anal?” Alex questions.

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Right, so no anal. Like I said, you’re a pussy. I think you should let me pierce your nipples. That will show her you’re a man.”

  Nicholas quickly shushes us when Holly starts to fuss. “Can you two idiots keep the a-n-a-l and p-u-s-s-y talk down around my daughter? Also, I haven’t had s-e-x since before she was born and you two talking about it is making me want to stab you.”

  Alex scoffs and shakes his head. “Is this what life with you is like? Spelling everything a baby can’t understand anyway? You’re a new dad who just admitted he hasn’t had sex in weeks. Your opinion is not needed, kind sir.”

  He pushes himself up from his chair, rubbing his hands together with a creepy smirk on his face like an evil cartoon character.

  “Let me pierce your nipples.”

  “Oh, for f-u-c-k sake,” Nicholas mutters.

  “Absolutely not. Are you out of your mind?”

  He walks around the table and stands in front of me. “Dude, you know I’m qualified. I used to work part-time as a piercer when I first joined the marines.”

  “Um, that was when you were eighteen, and my answer is still no,” I remind him.

  “What’s more manly than making yourself look like one of those hot dudes on the cover of those girly books you read? I still do it for friends on occasion, and I always travel with my piercing kit for emergencies. This is an excellent plan.”

  Nicholas laughs. “Is there really such a thing as a piercing emergency?”

  “Dude, you have no idea. This one chick wouldn’t let me bang her until I pierced her nose. I wanted to pierce her clit but that wouldn’t have been fun for either of us until it healed, and I just don’t like waiting around that long for one woman.”

  Alex looks at me expectantly and I shake my head again.

  “You’re not piercing my nipples.”

  Another round of loud screaming bursts from the living room and I hear Bev’s voice loud and clear.

  “You should definitely get that one, Noel! You’ll never need a man in your life again!”

  The three of us are silent and now Nicholas is staring at me as well. The women in some of the books I’ve read definitely think it’s hot and totally manly when their guy has pierced nipples. It’s more manly than asking the woman you love if she thinks you’re manly.

  “Fine. Just one nipple,” I quickly blurt out.

  Alex lets out a cheer and pats me on the arm. “Just the tip, I swear. This is going to be so much fun. Grab me a beer and I’ll grab my bag from the hallway.”

  He turns and races out of the room, bumping right into Reggie who doesn’t even notice as he walks into the kitchen with his nose still buried in the book.

  “Have you boys ever heard of beer pong?” Reggie asks. “That sounds like something I might like to try.”

  Nicholas gets up from his chair and walks over to his father, grabbing the book out of his hands and replacing it with his granddaughter.

  “That’s enough education for one night, Dad. Grab a drink. We’ve got some nipple piercing to watch.”

  Reggie looks equal parts horrified and slightly interested as he slowly bounces his granddaughter in his arms while he stares across the room at me.

  “Like this yahoo needs another hole in his body. His pie hole already gets him in enough trouble.”

  Alex comes back into the room with a large, black leather piercing kit in his hands and a smile on his face that is entirely too sadistic for my liking. I quickly grab everyone a beer out of the fridge, popping the top on mine and chugging the entire thing at once.

  This is either the best idea in the history of the world, or Noel will still think I’m a pussy and I’ll have a sore nipple to boot. Either way, I guess this is happening now.

  I’m sorry, nipple, for what I’m about to do to you. Just remember: I did it for love.

  Chapter 9

  Pot Vagina

  Noel

  “You know, you could always sell sex toys for my company.”

  I smile politely at the woman named Liz, taking another sip of my alcoholic beverage. My mother was kind enough to tell the entire room about my lack of employment, and I’ve spent the last hour listening to everyone give me suggestions about what to do. I’m well on my way to be completely wasted.

  “Don’t listen to her,” her partner Claire, tells me while handing me a cookie. “Selling sex toys is worse than being a hooker. Actually, it’s just like being a hooker, but with less dignity.”

  Grabbing the cookie from Claire, I shove the entire thing in my mouth, moaning when I get a taste of the chocolate goodness. I had been eyeing her tray of goodies she’d passed around all night from cookies to cupcakes to tiny little cheesecakes. At this point, I really don’t care how big my ass gets. I need something to take my mind off of watching my mother handle dildos from across the room.

  “Well, you would know what it’s like to be a hooker since you’re the biggest slut I know,” Liz tells Claire with a smile.

  “This is so not professional. We are the worst business women in the world,” Claire complains with a sigh.

  “Do you guys really have a business selling sex toys and these yummy desserts?” I ask.

  Liz nods. “We do. And it’s pretty awesome.”

  “OH MY GOSH! MY TONGUE IS SO TINGLY!” my mother shouts from across the room, sticking her tongue out of her mouth and crossing her eyes to try and look down her nose at it.

  “Can I just say, your family is really insane,” Claire tells me softly as my mother suddenly grabs a floppy, rubber, twelve-inch long dildo and starts swinging it around above her head like a lasso. “I thought our family was weird, but yours might beat them.”

  I just nod my head again, when Claire suddenly looks down at the plate of cookies in her hand.

  “Oh, shit,” she mutters, looking up at me as I lick my fingers clean from the chocolate cookie I just finished. “Um, so, there might have been a little mix-up with the cookies back at the bakery.”

  I smile at her, not really paying attention to what she’s saying since I now have the horror of watching my mother examine multicolored butt plugs, asking if they’re giant pacifiers.

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you just ate a pot cookie,” Claire continues.

  I don’t really hear much after that aside from Claire and Liz arguing about someone named Drew and how he must have made a cookie switch before they left the store because he’s an asshole. I start to panic about bei
ng high in a room full of my family and sex toys, but after an hour and still not feeling any different, I realize Claire must have been mistaken and shrug it off.

  * * *

  “BRIGHT LIGHT, BRIGHT LIGHT!” I shout in a high-pitch voice, sounding a little too much like Gizmo in The Gremlins, which makes me dissolve into giggles.

  Sam quickly flips the light switch back off and my parent’s laundry room darkens, the glow of a night-light plugged into one wall giving us just enough light to see what we’re doing.

  His big, warm hands grab my hips and he turns me around to face him, lifting me up and setting me down gently on top of the washing machine.

  As soon as I thought I was safe from pot cookie hell, I’d excused myself from the room when the presentation for butt plugs began, snuck down the hall, and got Sam’s attention away from my brother and Alex by silently waving my hands in the air and nodding my head in the direction of the laundry room. Thank God he quickly got the hint before all that head nodding made the room spin and I puked all over the hallway. As soon as I grabbed his hand and started pulling him toward the laundry room, all hell broke loose in my head. It went a little something like this:

  Not high.

  Not high.

  Not high.

  Still not high.

  Not high.

  Please take me to the emergency room.

  I’m in a really conflicted place right now of trying to decide if I’m dying, really want to have sex, or should spend the next six hours staring at the wall contemplating life with deep thoughts. It’s probably best if I go with the sex.

  Leaning back on my hands, Sam immediately sticks his fingers into the waistband of my leggings and yanks them down and over my ankles, throwing them on top of a basket of clean clothes down by his feet. Even in the dimly lit room, the heat in his eyes is crystal clear as he stares at his hands while they slide up my bare thighs, parting them as he goes and pushing his body between them.

  “You’re so fucking hot,” I mumble, running my hand down the side of his clean-shaven face.