and you’ll be proud of me.
Whatever teacher’s teaching
whatever they’re teaching
feeling pleased that their message is reaching me deeply
completing the puzzle and making
me smarter
charging me up to push and try harder
has no idea that
as I’m gazing out
my face is
the front
of an empty house.
At the back of Maths
while the rest of the class tackle graphs
Jack and Matt pass a note back and forth and cackle laughs.
Dominique is doing this thing with her feet, making both her heels squeak on the leg of her seat
Morgan is awkwardly trying to yawn caught between feeling naughty and boredom
Alissa and Kirstie sit earnestly working in search of a word of approval from Sir
Gemma and Tristan pretend that they’re listening nodding in sync to prove that they’ve heard
Abdul is scribbling circles in curves filling his page with whirlpools of o’s
Dylan’s pretending he’s scratching his forehead secretly digging his thumb up his nose
Famida’s inspecting her nails like a surgeon
Arif is sneakily checking his phone
Dominic’s holding his head like it’s hurting
Abe is just slumped like a lump of old stone
and I sit, watching, drinking them in
making up rhymes for the lives that they live
cos that’s my thing, sitting to the side, silently rhyming
capturing time with each blink of my eyelids
recording it all in a verse for just me
on my own in my head till the bell sets us free
and as we walk out I give my words marks out of ten
then head straight to next lesson where it all starts again.
If they found out
they’d move me away from my friends, slide me up with those kids
who sit smug at the front
the ones with rich parents and
monthly new trainers
whose lives feel like films
where they get what they want
My break-times would shatter into
shards of me lonely
cast off across bridges
I sent up in flames
the bonds that I’ve built
through shared
ghost dads and blankets
would snap as they all spat out
knives at my name
So I hide it.
Always.
Behind half-hearted nods
manufactured confusion
keep a grip on my hands
I let answers grow moss in the base of my skull
as I breathe in
the taste of
the fraud
that I am.
So,
we were next to the cloakroom
five boys back again
same morning routine
every day at half ten
Jerome had his phone out
with Stormzy on loud
Zak was rhyming along to an invisible crowd
Sean was being his hype man
fingers stabbing the air
Malik was digging his afro comb
into his hair
I was sipping my grape juice
surveying the scene
then I saw her, right there
at the vending machine
And
WHAM!
Everything froze
Stormzy went silent
my friends struck a pose
It was like someone had pressed pause on the remote for the
world
as I tilted my head
and stared at this girl
I don’t know what you call it
I’ve never felt it before
when you feel like you’re floating
but stuck to the floor
and I know it sounds cheesy
I know it’s real lame
But the only thing I cared about
right then
was her name
‘Who is she?’
I said
And the world kicked back in.
Zak and Sean with their concert
Malik’s cheeky grin
‘Who’s who?’ said Jerome
As he wheeled up the tune
‘One more time!’ shouted Zak,
‘The bell’s gonna go soon.’
‘She’s amazing,’ I said,
quietly, under my breath
as I stared straight ahead
with my friends to my left.
She was stroking her lip
with her coin as she chose
and her uniform looked like
the most perfect clothes
She was older
no question
Year 11, or 10
light years out of my Year 8 league
but just then
she looked over
straight at me
and my body went numb
I felt like a planet
that orbits the sun
And right there
in that moment
nothing else mattered
I don’t even care if you think
I’m being dramatic
I felt it
She felt it
the forces at play
Then the bell went
and just walked away
It was perfect
and fleeting
a scene from a movie
I felt every emotion
go running right through me
‘Yo, back here, lunchtime,’
said Zak
as they left.
I just nodded
still trying
to regain my breath.
There’s that pause
a vacuum
slice
of a second
the minute hand quivers
before a new breath
They look up
like mice
silent timer conditioned
and when
the bell finally rings
they’ve already left
Staring out of the window again
the green of the pitches is calling again
feel that itch in my muscles, the sigh in my bones
as the teacher’s voice muffles, I drift on my own
breathe in, close my eyes
breathe out and I’m there
outside on the grass, surrounded by air
No talking, no questions, no turn of the screw
just the drum in my heart telling me what to do
so I
run
and I run
and I run and I run
and the faster I go
the more I become
I am bullet and arrow
and cheetah
gazelle
I am peregrine falcon and phoenix from hell
I am synapse and fibre and neuron
and flame
I am Thor’s hammer lightning, too cosmic to tame
I am me
when I run
I can see
when I run
there is nothing that I cannot be when I run
I am anything
everything
cutting through time
And yet somehow
I’m completely
still in my mind
when I
run
can I
run
let me
run
long to
run
have to
run
and just
run
and just
run
and just
I’m standing in line
behind people I don’t know
queueing for food I don’t like
Can somebody tell me
where do I go
to get a refund on my life?
A thousand voices
fighting to speak
the scraping of plates
the squeaking of feet
The cackle of laughter
an embarrassed squeal
the packed lunchers trading
to get the best deal
I move with the queue
slowly shuffling my feet
my hands grip my tray
Way too nervous to eat
Eyes re-scan the room
sure to cover each zone
searching for someone
so I’m not alone
See,
that’s the problem with best friends
no matter how cool:
who the hell do you sit with
when your best friend’s off school?
There’s fire in my blood
screams in my head
hands stabbing at my back
feet feel like lead
Tornado in my stomach
howling out for lunch
a pack of jeering, hungry dogs
begging me to punch
I look across into her eyes
confusion fighting terror
she’s never known the random force
that’s thrown us both together
But I have
I do
it’s stitched into my body
the hard one, the scarred one
the one who’s never sorry
That’s who I am
I’ve always been
the character they made me
but something in this new girl’s eyes
is saying it can save me
The crowd’s howling, pushing, growling
teacher must be coming
they want to see my claws come out
before they all start running
But I can’t move
I just stare
across into her eyes
and feel myself fill up with truth
that flushes out the lies
I don’t want to be me
I want to be her
I don’t want to be feared
I want to be heard
I’m tired of fighting
tired of frowning
tired of rolling my eyes
tired of drowning
I want to float
I want to talk
I want to hardly feel the ground beneath my feet
when I walk
I want to step into a room
and no one whispers or gets scared
I want to read a book
sit on the grass
and feel nobody care
We can help you
say her eyes
We can do that stuff together
we can disappear
into the crowd
and be ourselves
forever
Really?
Really. I hear you.
She hears me.
So we do
this girl and me
we make a silent pledge
we leave our bodies
where they are and float
out to the edge
And as the crowd stands booing
the teacher cutting through
this girl and me
we walk away
off into something new.
It’s that door
the unknown
teacher fortress
full blown
sorcery
secret powers
inside jokes
stolen hours
After bell
catch a glimpse
Mr Bailey, Mrs Simms
laughing?
What about?
Feeling queasy
full of doubt
don’t trust it
or them
in there
together
why we not allowed inside
what they hiding, treasure?
It stinks
I say we storm it
an army full of uniform it’s
doable
I know it
we have to overthrow it
who’s with me?
raise a fist
weapons, smoke bombs
hazy mist
Anyone?
No?
Fine,
but don’t bother coming crying.
These teachers keep the upper hand
cos none of us are trying.
Isn’t that your little brother?
You can’t choose
your family
but you can
hide
Turn just a fraction too slow
What? Where?
Let the ship of embarrassment
sail by
Somehow we share
genes
pieces of code that make me me
are in him too
so why is he like that?
He’s always been different
Special, Mum said, but she never had to
watch friends stare, confused
while he sprints like a greyhound
in circles round the school
It makes him happy
like nothing else
Leave him to it
Suit yourself
Maybe he’s part dog
simply happy with what he’s got
You try and start a conversation and he’s already gone
running
always running
but not away
more towards
running to something
I don’t understand.
Keep your voice down
Why?
It’s delicate
What is? Why are we in here?
Cos it’s quiet
What happened?
David and Lisa
What about them?
What do you think?
I have no idea
You don’t?
No
No?
What? No. No way.
Yep.
For real?
That’s what I heard
Shut up
Fine. Forget it then
David? And Lisa?
Yep. At Liam’s party.
On Saturday?
Yeah
But I was there
So was I
I didn’t see them. Hold up, who told you?
Does it matter?
Course it matters. Was it Reese?
Who cares?
I knew it. It’s rubbish. Reese is full of it
No he isn’t
Yes he is. Remember when he told everyone his dad was Kano’s manager?
That was in Year 8
So what? He’s still Reese
I guess
Allow him. Besides, Lisa don’t even like David
How do you know?
Trust me. I can tell.
It was perfect
the timing
like stars aligning or
looking up from your book when the class is silent
just as she does
so perfect you can feel it in your spine
the kind of moment that you know
will be engraved into your mind
Last minute
PE
Josh on the ball
I break free of my marker and give him the call
as I sprint into the box
Josh nutmegs his man
quick look up at me
I’m raising my hand
and he whips it
a perfect curve arcing my way
the keeper comes out
like he’s certain to save
but I cut to the near post
spring
off my toes
sun cuts through the clouds like
the
universe knows
this is meant to be
the perfect cross from Josh a gift
sent to me
my forehead meets the ball like a perfect piece of destiny
Bang!
Top corner
the ripple in the net
my team mates are all screaming
we won
11–10
I just lie there on the grass
facing up towards the sky
Mr Evans blows his whistle
and I almost start to cry
from pure joy
there’s nothing in the world
as good as this
so from the bottom of the pile-on
I just smile
in pure bliss.
I can see them
through the glass
thirty people
new class
can’t swallow
mouth dry
deep breath
You’ll be fine
feel small
hands sweat
You can do this
Don’t forget
You’re ready
Let’s go
feet stuck
oh no
can’t move
Yes you can
Get in there
Push the door
Seize the day
Hit the floor
You’re amazing
You’re great
Now you’re here
It’s fate
I’m so nervous
they look mean
I’m the worst there’s ever been
That’s enough
Get together
You are funny
You are clever
Let’s do this
so I do
open door
stepping through
room goes quiet
people stare
try to focus on my chair
walk to board
take a pen
hand is shaking
nerves at ten
feel their eyes
burn my back
write the letters
glossy black
deep breath
turn around
‘You can call me, Mr Brown.’
Look at it.
So beautiful.
So perfect.
So pristine.
A hundred fields of perfect snow
So crisp and oh so clean.
So straight along its edges
So smooth on front and back
So many possibilities
Somebody hold me back.
The smell is so
Incredible
The colour blemish free