Prologue
First Day
Morning State
D4L (part 1) Geography: 9.36 A.M.
Outside French
Double Agent
Anyone
Michael vs his Brain (again)
Vending Machine
D4L (part 2) Playground: 10.48 A.M.
It’s Complicated
Science Block Toilets
Dear Mum, BTEC
Good Girl
As I Watch
Fraud
It Happened this Morning, Now Everything’s Changed
Mr Bailey
Gazelle
Lunch Line
Thanks a Lot, Belinda
Fight
Staffroom
Nothing Else
D4L (part 3) Science Block Toilets: 1.36 P.M.
Goal
New Guy
Snow
Careers Advice
Double Science
Something Starts
Real World
Across a Room
Cracks
Those Who Can’t
Constructs
D4L (part 4) Library: 3.31 P.M.
HMS Big School
Detention
Like Minds
Fresh Fish
Parting Thought
What’s it about then?
Well,
It’s about the tapestry of moments, woven of a thousand threads.
Different versions of the world swirling inside a thousand heads.
We go from the biggest to the smallest, dropped off, left to fend,
in the secondary school jungle jumbled enemies, new friends.
It’s a war zone. It’s a haven. It’s a stage full of bright lights.
It’s a series of scary alleyways walked on a dark night.
Always moving. Unforgiving.
Full of music. Full of living.
Zoom in. One mind. Split screen. Another mind. Another mind.
Another mind. Another mind.
And another mind.
All together. Same place.
Same walls. Same space.
Every emotion under the sun. Faith lost. Victories won.
It doesn’t stop.
Until the bell. Now it’s heaven. Now it’s hell.
Who knows? Not me.
I just wrote what I can see.
So what’s it about?
Here’s my response:
It’s about Everything, All At Once.
It looks like a spaceship
a jagged silver spaceship
windows like portals
reflecting the light
no
it looks like the head of
a massive metal monster
its sliding glass mouth
with teeth ready to bite
no
it looks like it sprouted right
out of the floor
ripped through rock, dirt and gravel
burst out of the ground
no
it looks like it fell
from some alien planet
crash-landed on earth
with some terrible sound
no
it looks like
it looks like
I don’t know what it looks like
Massive and scary
Noisy
Alive
I feel like a mouse
stepping into the jungle
Tell my mum that I love her
I’m going inside.
Through the gates
past the bikes
wave to Tanya
dodge a fight
Text to Mum
Arrived. I’m safe
switch it off
they confiscate
Cut past science
slip inside
wave of students
catch a ride
Reach the toilets
fix my face
check my homework
pencil case
Meet Sabrina
by the hall
Were you on Facebook?
You see his wall?
Walk together
through the rush
spot Jerome
secret crush
Mr Thomas
warden stare
too much stomach
not much hair
Outside form room
join the line
Zak and Sean are trying to rhyme
Michaela’s shouting
something mean
Theresa’s crying
drama queen
It’s just the standard
morning state
another Monday
in Year 8.
Did you hear about Lisa?
What? Why you whispering?
Lisa
Which Lisa?
Lisa Lisa
My Lisa?
No
Year 10 Lisa?
Is Lisa in Year 10?
Year 10 Lisa is
OK, yeah
Year 10 Lisa?
Yeah
What about her?
You didn’t hear?
Hear what?
Oh, man
What?
Her and thingy?
Her and who?
At the party
What party?
On Saturday. Liam’s party.
You were there?
Nah, I had to go to my cousin’s, but I heard
Heard what?
Her and thingy
Thingy who?
Oh, my days
Tell me!
Shhh! I’ll tell you later. She’s looking.
No she isn’t
Yes she is
Tell me now
Sorry, Miss. Nothing. Just about the work. Sorry.
Yes, Miss, about the work. Sorry.
We will, Miss. Yeah.
Yes, Miss. Course. Sorry.
I’m a dot
in one of those pictures
made up of dots
the ones
where you zoom out and see
the face of Yoda
Only in this one
when you zoom out
you just see me
much older.
Je m’appelle Yusef
J’ai quatorze ans
J’aime jouer au football et lire des bandes dessinées
J’ai deux frères plus âgés
Je fais semblant que je ne suis pas bon en français
Mais,
Ma mère vient de Toulouse
Nous parlons seulement français à la maison
Donc ça a toujours l’impression de tricher
Pardon.
Sorry.
So it always feels like cheating
We only speak French at home
My mum is from Toulouse
But,
I pretend I’m not good at French
I have two older brothers
I like playing football and reading comics
I’m fourteen
My name is Yusef
Everyone’s writing
except me
blank page
staring back
like it’s laughing
saying,
What’s wrong with you?
What is wrong with me?
Why don’t you get it?
Why don’t I get it?
Are you stupid?
Am I stupid?
Why are you just sitting here, frozen?
I don’t know
What is this feeling?
Feels like pain
like actual pain
like it hurts
to not know
what every
one else does
how come it’s only me
who seems to be
lost?
Don’t stare.
Don’t stare.
Why you staring for?
I’m not.
I’m not.
I don’t wanna.
You’re staring. Stop staring.
I’m trying to
help you, if they see you
stare
you’re a goner.
So don’t let me stare, think
of
something else
It is you.
You’re doing it
I am not.
It’s you.
What am I meant to do?
Just do something that’s not
gonna
ruin it.
Why you singing? Stop singing
Who’s singing?
You’re singing! You can’t sing
you’ll give
us away
But you love singing.
No I don’t!
Yes you do.
So what!
That’s still no reason
to say.
Now what are you doing?
Nothing
You’re dancing
I’m not
Yes you are! You’re really not getting it.
You can’t dance
I can dance
I know, but not here you dance and I end
up
regretting it
So what can I do?
Nothing.
You can do nothing. Just sit here
and don’t
make a sound
Just let me blend in
You don’t wanna blend in
I know, but I have to
for
now.
I can’t believe her
and Carly won’t say, but I know she can’t either.
I had to get away from them to try and get a breather
cos I swear I could feel my blood running up a fever
I can’t tell if it’s real, or some nightmarish dream
as I walk to the lower school vending machine
She knew I liked him.
I told her back on the end of Year 9 trip.
Four nights in Ireland, sharing a room,
her saying she thought it was best to stay silent,
You shouldn’t let him know yet, you need to be sure
Let me speak to my brother, they’ve been friends since Year 4.
What a snake.
She tricked me and made her own plan.
I take out my money to pay for my can.
The nerve of her.
I bet he’d never even heard of her. Now she’s happily stepped in to steal my life
like a murderer.
Money in. Button pushed.
Heavy heart. Stomach crushed.
I should slap her.
Yeah right. Like that’s gonna happen.
There’s a bunch of Year 8s by the cloak room all rapping
badly
bobbing and waving hands madly and the one on the end
yeah, he’s staring
right at me. Like,
right at me.
And it’s like his eyes shoot out this small bolt of happy.
Bless him.
My heavy heart is telling me that I should send a message
to let him know I’ve noticed and that the feeling is a present.
His friends don’t even clock it how he’s not inside their bubble
and he has no idea how much that look can lead to trouble.
Trust me, little man,
You leave yourself exposed when your heart is there to see
and some evil feet will trample on the part that makes you free
but I promise you, it’s worth it
the magic
the frozen space and time
sometimes it leaves you powerless, but now the power’s mine.
So I smile
Right at him. Like,
right at him
see it land
the bell goes
he understands
It’s possible
you never know, stay ready, be a fighter
Then
I take my can and walk away
my heart a little lighter.
Yo, you hear about David?
Which David?
What you mean, which David? David
With the ponytail?
Nah, with the hi-top
Hi-Top David?
Yes
What happened?
You didn’t hear?
Hear what?
Him and thingy
Thingy who?
Exactly. Right?
What?
At the party
Which party?
On Saturday. Liam’s party. You should’ve been there, fam
You went?
Nah, I just heard
Heard what?
About David, are you listening?
You didn’t say anything
I’m trying to tell you. David.
Hi-Top David.
Yo, can I speak?
Yeah
Bum, so David, yeah?
Yeah?
man? You see that?
Tell me about David
Oh yeah, yeah, so David, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh yo, that’s the bell. I got History. I can’t be late again, trust me, Mr Bailey is gunning for man
Hold up, what about David? And thingy? At the party?
Relax, fam. I’ll tell you at lunch.
Shauna said that
Leia said that
Jordan said it’s over
He changed his status yesterday
before he even told her
And now although I’m Leia’s friend and should offer my shoulder
I’m kinda hoping Jordan will be mine
like he’s supposed to.
The drip of the tap like
the tick of a clock
as I sit on the top of the seat gripping the lock
It’s break-time and I’m hiding
not from anyone
really
I just wanted some time without anyone near me
to breathe
in the midst of the chaos and noise
hyena girls and megaphone boys
police captain mannequin teachers
a gaggle of mad daggering laminate features
leeches attach on to top of the pack creatures
between bells they speak spells to keep sweet the divas
a legion of chair feet screeches
and I feel the bones in my ears crack
the CD skips
between these lips, my tongue whispers
You won’t ever get these years back.
So I’m here
to sit
while the crowds are outside
in my graffitied bubble
I pause and unwind.
And I read lines, scribbled and scratched into patterns
declarations of feelings
bad stuff that’s happened
Sophie loves Toby 4 eva
NO, COS SOPHIE KISSED JONAH
ON THE COACH DOWN TO DEVON
No I never Why you lying?
No she’s not. I saw you. Slapper. Stop crying.
I HATE MATHS!
Me too!
CARA G IS A BITCH
NO SHE’S NOT
YOU ARE
FOR SCRIBBLING THIS
The voices ring out
ricochet off the walls
and I’m trapped
in a casket of angry catcalls
my hand falls from the lock. I reach for my bag. The door starts to
creak. I smell bleach and I gag
and the voices are sc
reeching
the volume has risen
my toilet seat haven morphed into a prison
Then the bell goes
and no ring ever sounded so sweet
I pull open the door as I get to my feet
quick check in the mirror
Face is fine. All clear.
The tap drips approval and
the one voice I hear
is a small one
from a cubicle deep down
inside me
saying,
Next time you want peace
just go to the library.
I know you don’t get it
the pleasure I feel
when I push down the pedal
the turn of the wheel
the buzz of the sander
the whirr of the drill
I breathe in the wood
my heart starts to fill
No words. No numbers.
No wasps in my brain
just the weight of the hammer
the bulb of the plane
my hands move
and things happen
I make grooves
and sing patterns
into pieces of trees
into plastic
and metal
feel the dust of the day
in my head start to settle
Sand. Repeat. Sand. Repeat.
Touch. Feel. Smooth. Complete.
It’s a language that I speak
one that’s disappearing
in the forest of the school
my favourite lesson is a clearing
Everything else feels like shoes
that don’t fit.
I can’t stare at a computer
I can’t scribble while I sit
I have to be in it.
Touch it. Feel it
scratch my skin. Test my grip.
Show myself what real is.
Exams don’t suit me.
I don’t suit exams.
I understand the system
But, I’m drawing other plans
So don’t worry when I tell you
that Uni’s not the path I see
I’ll build a future for myself, Mum,