The Boys' Book: No. 3: Even More Ways to Be the Best at Everything

  Written by Steve Martin

  Illustrated by Martin Remphry

  Edited by Jen Wainwright

  Designed by Zoe Quayle

  First published in Great Britain in 2009 by Buster Books,

  an imprint of Michael O’Mara Books Limited,

  9 Lion Yard, Tremadoc Road, London SW4 7NQ

  This electronic edition published 2012

  www.mombooks.com/busterbooks

  Text and illustrations copyright © Buster Books 2009

  Cover design by Angie Allison (from an original design by www.blacksheep-uk.com)

  Cover illustration by Paul Moran

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Hardback: 978-1-906082-75-8

  ePub: 978-1-78055-190-6

  Mobipocket: 978-1-78055-191-3

  NOTE TO READERS

  The publisher and author disclaim any liability for accidents or injuries that may occur as a result of the information given in this book.

  To be the best at everything, you’ll need to use your best common sense at all times, particularly when heat or sharp objects are involved.

  Make sure you follow safety precautions and advice from responsible adults. Ask an adult’s permission before you leave the house, especially if you’re going near a river or a busy road. Always wear appropriate safety gear, stay within the law and local rules, and be considerate of other people.

  CONTENTS

  How to become an expert

  How to annoy people in a lift

  How to make a balloon change colour

  How to move objects using the power of your mind

  How to toss a caber

  How to beat a lie-detector test

  How to be a rodeo star

  How to terrify your friends

  How to win a Nobel Prize

  How to beat the homework blues

  How to understand what a dog is saying

  How to make a time capsule

  How to stop a nosebleed

  How to play the didgeridoo

  How to eat with chopsticks

  How to make a water slide

  How to make a coin go through a table

  How to win the Tour de France

  How to open a coconut

  How to make a scary costume

  How to throw a Frisbee

  How to learn your nine times table very easily

  How to shuffle cards like a pro

  How to customize your T-shirt

  How to flip a pancake

  How to keep a New Year’s resolution

  How to fly a kite

  How to pull a coin from someone’s ear

  How to read body language

  How to train your goldfish to play football

  How to draw a mural

  How to talk like a pirate

  How to play ‘Find the Lady’

  How to turn your bedroom into a cool crash pad

  How to tame a lion

  How to bluff at cards

  How to make a bottle orchestra

  How to beat your friends in a trial of strength

  How to shine on parade

  How to become a rapping sensation

  How to avoid seasickness

  How to ‘spike’ a volleyball

  How to be a superstar charity fundraiser

  How to raise someone up using ‘finger power’

  How to become a rock ’n’ roll drumming legend

  How to eat spaghetti with style

  How to navigate by the stars

  How to go through the floor

  How to make the perfect pizza

  How to escape getting into trouble for not doing your homework

  How to build a card tower

  How to style out a fall

  How to pan for gold

  How to make a paper firecracker

  How to take the Crown Jewels

  How to brew your own ginger beer

  How to stage a stunt fight

  How to receive your knighthood

  How to make a giant choc-chip cookie

  How to tidy your room in ten minutes flat

  How to find the Loch Ness Monster

  How to bust a move on the dance floor

  How to beat a Gorgon

  How to play the ‘billy-goat game’

  How to maximize your pocket money

  How to throw a custard pie

  How to be a bodyguard

  How to do the perfect press-up

  How to make a shrunken head

  How to play the trick box game

  HOW TO BECOME AN EXPERT

  Being the best is about impressing people, and a great way to convince everyone you are very, very clever, and extremely important, is to become an expert. The best way to become an expert is to become an ‘-ologist’.

  You can easily get certain ‘-ologies’ under your belt at school by studying subjects like biology or technology. However, if you don’t like these, don’t worry, as there’s an -ology for just about everything. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  Palaeontology – Studying fossils.

  Archaeology – Studying history by searching for, and digging up, old ruins and objects.

  Egyptology – Studying Ancient Egypt.

  Mythology – Studying myths.

  Ecology – Studying the environment and the animals and plants that live in it.

  Geology – Studying rocks.

  Ornithology – Studying birds.

  As you can see, -ologies sound pretty impressive. Why say you go bell-ringing when you can tell people that you’re an expert ‘campanologist’?

  CHOOSING YOUR OWN -OLOGY

  If you can’t decide which -ology to go for, here are a few tips:

  • The most impressive -ologies are those that are hard to pronounce, especially if people don’t know what the word means. For instance, you could become an ‘ichthyologist’ (an expert in fish), or a ‘vexillologist’ (an expert in flags).

  • Some -ologies are easier to become an expert in than others as you don’t need qualifications. For example, ‘cryptozoology’ is the study of animals that may or may not exist. So, if you go off hunting for the Loch Ness Monster or a Yeti – even if you don’t find one – you are a cryptozoologist.

  You can, of course, invent your own -ologies to make your interests seem important. ‘Eating-ice-cream-ology’ won’t impress anyone, but experts have a trick – they use the ancient Latin language to create -ologies. The Latin for ‘to have dinner’ is ‘cenare’ and the Latin for ‘ice’ is ‘glacies’, so an expert in eating ice cream for dinner could be a ‘cenareglaciesologist’. Now there you have a tasty field of expertise that will make sure everyone is amazed by your intelligence.

  HOW TO ANNOY PEOPLE IN A LIFT

  You know you’re a funny guy, right? Well, even top comedians need to practise their hilarious gags. A lift is the perfect place to brush up on your humour, as your audience can’t go anywhere. Try out these tips and see how long their patience holds out.

  • Salute and say, ‘Welcome aboard!’ every time someone gets into the lift.

  • Sit down and start barking like a dog.

  • Pretend to
be a flight attendant. Tell people how to fasten their seatbelts, where the nearest exits are, and what happens if the lift lands on water.

  • Ask everyone for a high-five at each floor.

  • Suggest a game of charades, and start to act things out.

  • Open your bag and, while looking inside, say, ‘I’ll get you some food as soon as I can.’

  • Spin around and around in the centre of the lift.

  HOW TO MAKE A BALLOON CHANGE COLOUR

  What happens when you stick a pin into a balloon? There’s a loud, ‘Pop!’ and you’re left with the shreds of a burst balloon. Right? Not any more. Find out how to wow people by popping a balloon and have it magically change colour.

  You Will Need:

  • a red balloon • a blue balloon • sticky tape • a pencil • a pin

  1. Put a double-sided loop of sticky tape on the biggest part of your blue balloon.

  WHAT YOU DO

  2. Slide a pencil into the neck of the blue balloon and use this to help you push it inside the red one. You may have to work the red balloon down the pencil bit by bit. When you’ve finished, remove the pencil carefully.

  3. Blow up the blue balloon (this will blow up the red one as well), and tie a knot in the bottom.

  4. Stand in front of your audience holding the balloons. All they will see is the red balloon on the outside.

  5. Find where the sticky tape is, by looking through the red balloon, and then jab it with a pin at this point.

  The red balloon will burst with a loud bang and you will be left

  HOW TO MOVE OBJECTS USING THE POWER OF YOUR MIND

  Moving an object using mind power will not only amaze your friends, but it will astound you as well. This is because the technique you are about to learn is not a trick – you really will learn how to move an object by mind control.

  All you need is a pendulum and a friend. A pendulum is just a weight at the bottom of a piece of string. Anything will do for the weight. For example, you could tie a set of house keys, or a lump of plasticine or sticky tack to one end of the string. Whatever object you choose, tie it so that there is about 30 cm of string between the weight and the other end of the string when you hold it.

  Once you’ve made the pendulum, you are ready to begin.

  WHAT YOU DO

  1. Tell your friend to hold the top of the string between his thumb and index finger so the weight is hanging down and not moving.

  2. Inform him that you are going to move the weight using only mind power.

  3. To create an air of mystery, and make what you are going to do seem even more impressive, place your fingers on the sides of your head, rub your temples and squint with concentration.

  4. Now, tell the weight to start moving in a circle. You need to keep repeating the instruction out loud:

  ‘Move round in a circle … round and round … round and round ….’ Keep saying this over and over again and the weight will begin to move in a circle.

  5. After a while, give a new instruction. ‘Now, start moving in the opposite direction … round and round in the other direction … round and round in the other direction ….’ You and your friend will both watch in surprise as the weight slowly begins to move the other way, just as you ordered it to.

  6. For your next instruction, tell the weight to move backwards and forwards. Again, speak the instruction aloud. ‘Move backwards and forwards … backwards and forwards … backwards and forwards ….’ You will soon see the weight obeying your command.

  HOW IT WORKS

  By now, you’re probably half-amazed and half-terrified. Don’t worry, though, there’s nothing spooky about what is going on. What you’ve just learned is how effective the power of suggestion can be.

  When you tell the weight to move in a certain direction, your friend’s finger and thumb move the string so that the weight goes in the direction you command. The movement is so slight that your friend doesn’t even know that he is doing it.

  So, you really can move objects with the power of the mind. What your friend doesn’t realize, however, is that it’s his mind making the movement happen, not yours.

  HOW TO TOSS A CABER

  The caber toss is a famous and important part of the Highland Games in Scotland. A caber is the trunk of a pine tree, with one end thinner than the other. As you might imagine it is very, very heavy. Contestants in this event lift up the huge cabers and toss them into the air, so that they turn over in mid-air, and land on their fatter end before falling flat.

  TRY IT YOURSELF

  The winner of the caber toss is not the person who throws it the furthest – it’s actually all about accuracy. In order to win, a contestant needs to get his caber to land in the twelve o’clock position from the place he threw it. Even boys who are the best at everything shouldn’t attempt to toss a full-sized caber, but if you want to hold your own Highland Games, then a ‘broom-handle toss’ will work just as effectively. Get together with your friends and see who can get their ‘caber’ to land straightest. Here’s a handy step-by-step guide to the best caber-tossing technique.

  1. Take your broom handle (or a pole of a similar size) to a wide open space, and check that there are no members of the public who might be about to get whacked by a flying caber.

  2. Bend down and lean the caber against your shoulder so that it is standing upright. Then lift it off the ground.

  3. Move your hands to the bottom and clasp them, palm upwards, around the base of the caber.

  4. Move the caber up to about elbow height, and keep the weight balanced against your shoulder. Now you are in the throwing position.

  5. Take a short run-up, gaining momentum slowly. This is called the ‘approach’.

  6. Throw your caber upwards and forwards slightly by jerking your clasped hands sharply upwards.

  7. The caber should follow a path as shown, landing other way up. Its end should hit the ground as it stands upright before falling flat.

  HOW TO BEAT A LIE-DETECTOR TEST

  No good spy would ever give anything away. If you ever find yourself captured by enemy agents, you need to keep your secrets closely guarded.

  However, lying to the enemy is tricky if they have lie-detector machines. If you are captured, you may be wired to one of these and it will show your enemies when you are lying. So, if you are going ‘undercover’, you need to know how to beat the machine.

  A lie detector measures the body’s reactions – heart rate, breathing and sweating. The interrogator will first ask you some simple questions, such as your name. He will then ask you a question that he knows you will probably answer with a lie. Throughout, he watches what happens to your heart rate, breathing and sweating when you tell the truth and when you are lying. The differences in these reactions will help him to spot your lies.

  Your job is to confuse the lie detector. The trick is to scare yourself. Think of whatever terrifies you the most – for instance rats, spiders, or heights – during all the questions. By increasing your stress level for all answers – true or false – you will confuse the machine so it cannot give an accurate reading.

  HOW TO BE A RODEO STAR

  Howdy, Partner! So, you want to ride the rodeo? Well, if you’re very brave and a little bit crazy, then saddle up, Cowboy. You’ve got some broncos to ride.

  The sport known today as ‘rodeo’ began in the 1800s, when cowboys working on ranches in America’s Wild West would display their skills in rounding up herds of cattle for branding. Nowadays, rodeo is considered a highly competitive sport, with cowboys and cowgirls fighting to stay on their bucking and rearing horses to have a chance of winning big prize money.

  RIDE ’EM COWBOY!

  First, get yourself a horse or a bull. If you don’t fancy the idea of riding a bull, stick to horses for now. It has to be a horse that isn’t accustomed to being ridden. The horse is kept in a pen beside the rodeo ring (called the ‘chute’) to keep it still until you are ready to ride. While it is in the chute, check t
o make sure the saddle, stirrups and reins are fixed securely – you’re going to need them.

  Put your left foot in the left stirrup, grab the saddle with your left hand, and pull yourself up onto the horse, swinging your right leg over and into the right stirrup. Now, as if rodeo riding wasn’t difficult enough, the rules only allow you to hold the reins with one hand.

  The gate of the chute will open and you’re off. As soon as you get on the horse, it will arch its back, leap into the air and try to throw you off.

  All you have to do is to hold on. If you can stay on the horse for eight seconds, you’ve completed the ride. Try to ride with style, as you score points for how well you ride, and the person with the most points at the end is the winner. Holding one arm (the one that isn’t busy hanging on to the reins) high in the air looks really cool.

  Be careful not to touch the horse with your free hand, as this will get you disqualified from the competition.

  Try and find a rhythm as the horse bucks and rears, and move your body with this rhythm to stay balanced. Shout, ‘Yee-ha!’ and ‘Ride ’em, Cowboy!’ as often as possible – you don’t get any points for this, but it’s fun.

  Finally, if you’ve managed to stay on the bronco, a ‘pick up rider’ will ride up next to you and help you get off the horse.

  If you are skilful enough to have scored the most points during your bucking bronco ride, then congratulations! You will be awarded some prize money and, instead of a trophy, you’ll get a much sought-after engraved, silver rodeo belt buckle.

  RODEO REPARTEE

  It’s also important to talk like a rodeo star. Here are a few terms to get you started:

  Biting The Dust: Being thrown off the horse.

  Bronco: A horse that isn’t ‘broken’ – that isn’t trained to have a rider on its back.