willingness to talk about, 153–54, 157
Jesse, xxx, 120–22, 138–40, 209
Jessica, 13–17, 27–29, 44, 141–42
Jethá, Cacilda, 155, 156
Johnson, Sophie Lucido:
adolescence of, 9–10
college years of, 37–40
first sexual experience of, 25–27
frequent sadness of, 63, 181–82
jealousy felt by, 176–86
and learning to love women, 42–43, 53
long-term relationships of, 73, 111, 141–43
Luke and, see Luke, relationship of Sophie and
marriage fantasies of, 4, 9, 13, 76
motherhood as desire of, 189–90
online dating experiences of, 81–84, 88
and parents’ monogamous relationship, 1–8, 9, 29, 31–32
tattoos of, 4, 5, 52, 63, 137
Kat, 163–64, 166, 168
Kim, 48–54, 61, 209
Labriola, Kathy, 154
Leah, 55, 56–57
Lean In (Sandberg), 86
Leontiades, Louisa, 187, 190–91
love:
as continuum, 97–100, 209
exes and, 140
fear and, 180–81
infinite capacity for, xxii
Sophie’s evolving understanding of, xviii, 42–43, 53, 80, 123–24, 137–38, 140–41, 146–49
Sophie’s five categories of, 117–20
unconditional, 172–73
vulnerability of, 181
as wanting another person to be happy, 120–22, 140, 174–75, 210
“Loving Hard and Often,” 200–201
Loving More, xxiv, xxv
Luke, xiv–xvi, xxx, 145, 202
as Molly’s roommate, 129–30
polyamory as seen by, 151–52, 179
Sophie’s first dates with, 126–38
Sophie’s love for, 146–49, 161, 209
Luke, relationship of Sophie and:
bird-watching and, 211–13, 215–17, 220
as functionally monogamous, 161–64
jealousy and, 157, 167, 176
as long-term, 111, 189
Luke’s marriage proposal in, 218–19
Melissa and, 183–87, 199, 200, 203
and Sophie’s relationship with Bob, 166–68, 181, 200
and Sophie’s relationship with Jaedon, 140–41
talks about sex in, 111–13
trip to Chicago in, 149–52
in two-couple relationship with Meg and Tony, 206, 219–20
marriage, see relationships, monogamous
Mazur, Ron, 156–57
Meeker, Meg, 114
Meg, xiii–xviii, 201–3
sex party of, xiv–xv, 203, 205–6
in two-couple relationship with Tony, Luke, and Sophie, 206, 219–20
Melissa, 183–86, 187–88, 199, 200
“Men and Commitment: By the Numbers,” 122
Miller, Jean Baker, 66, 68
Missed Connections, 88–89
Molly, 129–30
motherhood, Sophie’s desire for, 189–90
New Intimacy, The (Mazur), 156–57
Nicomachean Ethics (Aristotle), 36
Nordgren, Andie, 43–44
OKCupid, 91–92, 93, 116
online dating, 81–84, 88, 91–95
Orenstein, Peggy, 26, 102
orgasms, 106–7
parallel polyamory, 195, 201–3
secrets in, 202–3
Sophie’s growing unease with, 203, 204
partnership, nature of, 149, 151
pleasure, sex and, 103, 107–8
polyamory:
Anapol on, xxiii, 61–62, 214–15
changing nature of relationships in, 140–45
children and, 189–93
compersion in, 174–75, 176
definitions of, xix–xxii, 73, 74, 213–15
hooking up vs., 60
jealousy and, see jealousy
and learning to understand emotions, 188
Luke’s view of, 151–52, 179
New Agey-ness and, xxiv
as not for everyone, xxvii, 184
open relationships and, xxv–xxvi
parallel, see parallel polyamory
processing in, 125, 141
queer culture and, 43–44, 193, 196–97
reactions of friends and family to, xxii–xxiii
romantic partners vs. friends in, 141–42
Savage on, xxv–xxvi
Sophie’s evolving understanding of, 61–62, 100
Sophie’s first experience with, 123–38
two-couple relationships in, 203, 206
variety of relationship structures in, 193–95
Polyamory in the 21st Century (Anapol), xxiii–xxiv
polycules, 194
polyfidelity, 195
Poly Living Conference, xxiv–xxv
pornography, teens’ knowledge of sex as based on, 103
processing, 125, 141
quads, 194
queer culture, polyamory and, 43–44, 193, 196–97
rejection, 9–10
relationship anarchy, 75
relationships:
asking for what you want in, 85–86
honesty in, 122, 144, 153–54, 166
models of, 73–75
romantic, 14, 52
see also hooking up; relationship anarchy
relationships, long-term, xxxi, 2, 73, 111, 117, 141
ending of, 140–45, 149
prioritizing in, 142–43
relationships, meaningful:
fear of, 96
hookups as turning into, 94–95, 98
relationships, monogamous, xxxi, 122, 161
Sophie’s fantasies of, 4, 9, 13, 76
of Sophie’s parents, 1–8, 9, 29, 31–32
relationships, open:
definition of, 74, 195
jealousy and, 154
polyamory and, xxv–xxvi
Rosen, Jonathan, 211, 214
Ruhl, Sarah, 219–20
Ryan, Christopher, 155, 156
Sadtler, Hannah, 54–57
Ada and, 70–71
in Bogue Chitto trip with Sophie, 64–66, 68–69
in Chicago visit with Sophie, 197–98, 206–9
Derek and, 57–59, 69–70
Sophie as roommate of Derek and, 58, 79, 137, 149, 151, 172
Sophie’s love for, 54, 58, 60, 71, 197–98, 208, 209
and Sophie’s thirtieth birthday, 63–64
Sam, xxx, 73, 76–77, 97, 107
Sandberg, Sheryl, 86
Savage, Dan, xxv–xxvi, 110, 153–54, 187, 193
Sean, xxx, 55
sex:
compatibility and, 110–11
equal say of partners in, 108
feminist, 107, 116
learning to enjoy, 103, 107–8
masturbation and, 105–7
orgasms in, 106–7
Sophie’s early interest in, 104–5
sex, talking about:
importance of, 110–11
sex education and, 113–16
as taboo for women and girls, 101–2
sex, teens’ knowledge of, as based on pornography, 103
Sex at Dawn (Ryan and Jethá), 155, 156
sex education, 113–16
abstinence-only programs in, 114
sexual revolution, 114
Shakespeare, William, 37
Shaver, Phillip, 14
Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy, The (Nordgren), 43–44
Song, Susan, 43
Spade, Dean, 61
Stevens, Ben, xxx, 15–19, 21, 23–29, 33, 73
Sophie’s breakup and continued friendship with, 37–42, 53, 97
wedding of, 209–10
Stiver, Irene Pierce, 66, 68
Stranger in a Strange Land (Heinlein), 114
Thurow
, Chuck, 193, 196–97
Tinder, 126–27, 128–29, 134, 200
Tony, xiii, xv–xvii, in two-couple relationship with Meg, Luke, and Sophie, 206, 219–20
transphobia, xxix
Trent, 48, 49–50
triads, 194
Trump, Donald, 114
trust, 140
Twin Peaks (TV show), 141, 145
vaginas, negative feelings about, 102–3
Vanity Fair, 116
White, Valerie, 187, 192–93, 194
white privilege, xxix
women and girls:
connective conversations and, 66–68
and difficulty of asking for what they want, 86
first move made by, 85
talking about sex as taboo for, 101–2
Zell-Ravenheart, Morning Glory, xxiv, 213–14
Touchstone
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Copyright © 2018 by Sophia Johnson
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First Touchstone trade paperback edition June 2018
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Cover design by Anna Laytham
Cover illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Johnson, Sophie Lucido, author. Title: Many love : a memoir of polyamory and finding love(s) / Sophie Lucido Johnson. Description: New York : Touchstone, 2018. Identifiers: LCCN 2017059117 | ISBN 9781501189784 (paperback) Subjects: LCSH: Johnson, Sophie Lucido. | Non-monogamous relationships. | Love. | Sex customs. | BISAC: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Love & Romance. | SOCIAL SCIENCE / Sociology / Marriage & Family. Classification: LCC HQ980 .J66 2018 | DDC 306.84/23--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017059117
ISBN 978-1-5011-8978-4
ISBN 978-1-5011-8979-1 (ebook)