Torchy

  Produced by Roger Frank and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net

  I FOUND MYSELF LOOKING SQUARE INTO THEM BIG GRAY EYES.(Frontispiece)]

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  TORCHYBYSEWELL FORD

  AUTHOR OFTRYING OUT TORCHY, ETC.

  FRONTISPIECE BYGEORGE BREHM

  NEW YORKGROSSET & DUNLAPPUBLISHERS

  Made in the United States of America

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  Copyright, 1909, 1910, bySEWELL FORD

  COPYRIGHT, 1911, byEDWARD J. CLODE

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  TO MYTRULY USEFUL AND GENIAL FRIEND

  W. A. C.

  AT WHOSE SUGGESTION THISCHRONICLE OF THE DOINGS OF TORCHYCAME TO BE MADE

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  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER PAGE

  I. Getting in with the Glory Be 1 II. A Jolt for Piddie 18 III. Meeting up with the Great Skid 34 IV. Frosting the Profess 51 V. Where Mildred Got Next 67 VI. Shunting Brother Bill 83 VII. Keeping Tabs on Piddie 100 VIII. A Whirl with Kazedky 117 IX. Down the Bumps with Cliffy 132 X. Backing out of a Fluff Riot 148 XI. Rung in with the Gold Spooners 162 XII. Landing on a Side Street 177 XIII. First Aid for the Main Stem 193 XIV. In on the Oolong 209 XV. Batting it up to Torchy 226 XVI. Throwing the Line to Skid 241 XVII. Touching on Tink Tuttle 258 XVIII. Getting Hermes on the Bounce 275 XIX. When Miss Vee Threw the Dare 294

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  TORCHY

  CHAPTER I

  GETTING IN WITH THE GLORY BE

  Sure, I was carryin' the banner. But say, I ain't one of them kids thatgets callouses on the hands doin' it. When I'm handed the fresh air onpayday, I don't choke to death over it. I goes out and rustles foranother job. And I takes my pick, too. Why not? It's just as easy.

  This time I gets a bug that the new Octopus Buildin' might have been putup special for me. Anyway, it looked good from the outside, and I blowsin through the plate glass merry go round. The arcade was all to thebutterscotch, everything handy, from an A. D. T. stand to Turkish bathsin the basement.

  "Got any express elevators?" says I to the starter guy.

  "Think of buying the buildin', sonny?" says he.

  "There'd be room for you on the sidewalk if I did," says I. "But say, ifyou can tear your eyes off the candy counter queen long enough, tell mewho's got a sign out this mornin'."

  "They're going to elect a second vice-president of the Interurbanto-day. Would that suit you?" says he, twistin' up his lip whisker andlookin' cute.

  "Maybe," says I; "but I'd take a portfolio as head office boy if I knewwhere to butt in."

  "Then chase up to 2146," says he. "You'll find 'em waitin' for you witha net. Here's your car. Up!" and before I knows it I has done theskyrocket act up to floor twenty-one.

  Well say, you wouldn't have thought so many kids read the want ads. andhad the courage to tackle an early breakfast. The corridor was full of'em, all sizes, all kinds. It looked like recess time at a boys' orphanasylum, and with me against the field I stood to be a sure loser. Ihadn't no more'n climbed out before they starts to throw the josh myway.

  "Hey, Reddy, get in line! The foot for yours, Peachblow!" they yells atme.

  And then I comes back. "Ah, flag it!" says I. "Do I look like I belongedin your class? Brush by, you three-dollar pikers, and give a salariedman a show!"

  With that I makes a quick rush at 2146 and gets through the door beforethey has time to make a howl. The letterin' on the ground glass waswhat got me. It said as how this was the home office of the Glory BeMining Company, and there was a string of high-toned names as long asyour arm. But the minute I sizes up the inside exhibit I wasn't soanxious. I was lookin' for about a thousand feet of floor space; but allI could see was a couple of six by nines, includin' a clothes closet anda corner washbowl. There was a grand aggregation of two as an officeforce. One was a young lady key pounder, with enough hair piled on topof her head to stuff a mattress. The other was a long faced young fellerwith an ostrich neck and a voice that sounded like a squeaky door.

  "Go outside!" says he, wavin' his hands and puttin' on a weary look."Mr. Pepper can't see any of you until he has finished with the mail.Now run along."

  "I can't," says I; "my feet won't let me. Is that the Pepper box inthere?"

  The door was open a foot or two; so I steps up to take a peek at themain squeeze. And say, the minute I sees him I knew he'd do. He wa'n'tone of these dried up whiskered freaks, nor he wa'n't any human hog,with no neck and three chins. He was the kind of a gent you see comin'out of them swell cafes, and he looked like a winner, Mr. Belmont Pepperdid. His breakfast seemed to be settin' as well as his coat collar, andyou could tell with one eye that he wouldn't come snoopin' around earlyin the day, nor hang around the shop after five. Pepper has his heels upon the rolltop, burnin' a real Havana. That's the kind of a boss Ilikes. I lays out to connect, too.

  "Say," says I to the long faced duck, "you hold your breath a minute andI'll be back!"

  Then I steps outside, yanks the "Boy Wanted" sign off the nail, and saysto the crowd good and brisk, just as though I come direct fromheadquarters:

  "It's all over, kids, and unless you're waitin' to have a group picturetaken you'd better hit the elevator."

  Wow! There was call for another sudden move just then. I was lookin' forthat, though, and by the time the first two of 'em struck the door I wason the other side with the key turned. Riot? Well say, you'd thought I'dpinched the only job in New York! They kicked on the door and yelledthrough the transom and got themselves all worked up.

  The lady key pounder grabs hold of both sides of her table and almostswallows her tuttifrutti, the ostrich necked chap turns pea green, andMr. Pepper swings his door open and sings out, real cheerful:

  "Mr. Sweetwater, can't you get yourself mobbed without being so noisyabout it? What's up, anyway?"

  But Sweetwater wasn't a lightnin' calculator. He stands there with hismouth open, gawpin' at me, and tryin' to figure out what's broke loose;so I pushes to the front and helps him out.

  "There's a bunch of also rans out there, Mr. Pepper," says I, "thatdon't know when to fade. They're just grouchy because I've swiped thejob."

  I was lookin' for him to sit up at that; but he don't. "What makes youthink that you've got it!" says he.

  "'Cause I'm in and they're out," says I. "Anyway, they're a lot ofdopes, and a man like you wants a live one around. That's me. Where do Ibegin?" And I chucks the sign into a waste basket and hangs my cap on ahook.

  Now, that ain't any system you can follow reg'lar. I don't often do itthat way, 'cause I ain't any fonder of bein' thrown through a door thanthe next one. But this was a long shot and I was willin' to run therisk. That fat headed starter knew he was steerin' me up against a mob;so I was just achin' to squeeze the lemon in his eye by makin' good.

  For awhile, though, I couldn't tell whether I was up in a balloon or letin on the ground floor. Mr. Pepper was givin' me the search warrantlook-over, and I see he's one of these gents that you can't jar easy. Ihadn't rushed him off his feet by my through the center play. There wasstill plenty of chance of my gettin' the low tackle.

  "If I might ask," says he, smooth as a silk lid, "what is your name?"

&nbs
p; "Ah, w'at's the use?" says I, duckin' my head. "Look at that hair! Youmight's well begin callin' me Torchy; you'd come to it."

  He didn't grin nor nothin'; but only I see his eyes wrinkle a little atthe corners. "Very well, Torchy," says he. "I suppose you have yourreferences?"

  "Nah, I ain't," says I. "But if you're stuck on such things I can get'em. There's a feller down on Ann-st. that'll write beauts for a quartera throw."

  "So?" says he. "Then we'll pass that point. Why did you leave your lastplace?"

  "By request," says I. "The stiff gives me the fire. He said I was toofresh."

  "He was mistaken, I suppose," says Mr. Pepper. "You're not fresh, areyou?"

  "Well say, I ain't no last year's limed egg," says I. "If you're lookin'for somethin' that's been in the brine all winter, you'd better put thehook in again."

  He rubs his chin at that. "Do you like hard work?" says he.

  "Think I'd be chasin' up an office boy snap, if I did?" says I.

  He takes a minute or so to let that soak in, knockin' his cigar ashesoff on the rug in that careless way a man that ain't married does, andthen he springs another.

  "I presume that if you were left alone in the office occasionally," sayshe, "you could learn to run the business?"

  "Nix, not!" says I. "When I plays myself for a confidential manager Iwants to pull down more than four per. Givin' book agents the quick backup and runnin' errands is my strong points. For tips on the market andsuch as that I charges overtime."

  Course, I'd figured it was all off by then, seein' as how I hadn't rungthe bell at any crack. That's why I was so free with the hot air. Mr.Pepper, he squints at me good and hard, and then pushes the call button.

  "Mr. Sweetwater," says he, "this young man's name is Torchy. I'vepersuaded him to assist us in running the affairs of the Glory Be MiningCompany. Put him on the payroll at five a week, and then induce thatmass meeting in the corridor to adjourn."

  "Say," says I, "does that mean I'm picked?"

  "You're the chosen one," says he.

  "Gee!" says I. "You had me guessin', though! But you ain't drawn anyblank. I'll shinny on your side, Mr. Pepper, as long's you'll letme--and that's no gust of wind, either."

  And say, inside of three days I'd got the minin' business down to ascience. Course it was a cinch. All I has to do is fold bunches ofcirculars, stick stamps on the envelopes, and lug 'em up to the generalP. O. once a day. That, and chasin' out after a dollar's worth of cigarsnow and then for Mr. Pepper, and keepin' Sweetie jollied along, didn'tmake me round shouldered.

  Sweetie was cut out for the undertakin' business, by rights. He tookthings hard, he did. Every tick of the clock was a solemn moment forhim, and me gettin' a stamp on crooked was a case that called for aheart to heart talk. He used to show me the books he was keepin', andthe writin' was as reg'lar as if it'd been done on a job press.

  "You're a wonder, you are, Sweetie," says I; "but some day your hand isgoing to joggle, and there'll be a blot on them pages, and then you'lldie of heart disease."

  Miss Allen, the typewriter fairy, was a good deal of a frost. She wasone of the kind that would blow her lunch money on havin' her hair donelike some actress, and worry through the week on an apple and two piecesof fudge at noon. I never had much use for her. She called me just Boy,as though I wa'n't hardly human at all. She'd sit and pat that hair ofhers by the hour, feelin' to see if all the diff'rent waves and buncheswas still there. It was a work of art, all right; but it didn't leaveher time to think of much else. I used to get her wild by askin' how thesix other sisters was comin' on these days.

  We didn't have any great rush of customers in the office. About twice aday some one would stray in; but gen'rally they was lookin' for otherparties, and we didn't take in money enough over the counter to pay thetowel bill. It had me worried some, until I tumbles that the Glory Bewas a mail order snap.

  All them circulars we sent out told about the mine. And say, after I'dread one of 'em I didn't see how it was we didn't have a crowd throwin'money at us. It was good readin', too, almost as excitin' as a nickellib'ry. I'd never been right next to a gold mine before, and it got mebug eyed just thinkin' about it.

  Why, this mine of ours was one that the Injuns had kept hid for yearsand years, killin' off every white man that stuck his nose into the samecounty. But after awhile a feller by the name of Dakota Dan turnedInjun, got himself adopted by the tribe, and monkeyed around until hefound the mine. It near blinded him the first squint he got of them bigchunks of gold. The Injuns caught him at it and finished the businesswith hot irons. Then they roasted him over a fire some and turned himloose to enjoy himself. He was tougher'n a motorman, though. He didn'tdie for years after that; but he never said nothin' about the gold mineuntil he was nearly all in. Then he told his oldest boy the tale andgave him a map of the place, makin' him swear he'd never go near it. Theboy stuck to it, too. He grew up and kept a grocery store, and it wa'n'tuntil after he'd died of lockjaw from runnin' a rusty nail in his handand the widow had sold out the store to a Swede that the map showed up.The Swede swapped the map to a soap drummer for half a dozen cakes ofscented shaving sticks, and the drummer goes explorin'.

  He had a soap drummer's luck. He didn't find any Injuns left. Most of'em had died off and the rest had joined Wild West shows. The gold minewas there, though, with chunks of solid gold lyin' around as big aspeach baskets. Mr. Drummer looks until his eyes ache, and then he hikeshimself back East to get up a comp'ny to work the mine. He'd just madeplans to build a solid gold mansion on Fifth-ave. and hire John D.Rockefeller for a butler, when he strays into one of these Gospelmissions and gets religion so hard that he can't shake it. Then he seeshow selfish it would be to keep all that gold for himself. "But how'llI divvy it?" says he. "And who with?"

  Then he decides that he'll divide with ministers, because they'll use itbest. So he gets up this Glory Be Mining Company, and hires Mr. Pepperto sell the stock at twenty-five cents a share to all the preachers inthe country.

  Blamed if it wa'n't straight goods! I looked on the letters we sent out,and every last one of 'em was to ministers. Talk about your easy money!This was like pickin' it off the bushes. Mr. Pepper shows 'em how theycan put in fifty or a hundred dollars and in three or four years bepullin' out their thousands in dividends.

  You'd thought they'd came a runnin' at a chance like that, wouldn't you?There we was givin' 'em a private hunch on a proposition that was allvelvet. But say, only about one in ten ever hands us a comeback. It wasenough to make a man turn the hose on his grandmother.

  Course, a few of 'em did loosen up and send on real money. I used tostand around and pipe off the boss while he shucked the mail, and Icould tell whether it was fat or lean by the time it took him to eatlunch. The days when I was sent out to cash five or six money orders,and soak away a bunch of checks, he'd call a cab at twelve-thirty andwouldn't come back until near four; but when there wa'n't much doin'he'd send out for a tray and put in the afternoon dictatin' names andaddresses to Miss Allen.

  Then there come a slack spell that lasted for a couple of weeks, and wedidn't get hardly any mail at all, except from some crank out inIllinois that had splurged on a whole ten dollars' worth of shares, andwrote in about every other day wantin' to know when the dividends wasgoin' to begin comin' his way. I heard Miss Allen talkin' it over withSweetie.

  It was along about then that this duck from the post-office buildin'showed up. He comes gumshoein' around one noon hour, while I was all bymy lonesome, and he asks a whole lot of questions that I'd forgot theanswer to. I was tellin' the boss about him that night around closin' uptime.

  "I sized him up for one of them cheap skates from the Marshal's office,"says I. "I didn't know what his game was and I wa'n't goin' to give upall I knew to him; so I tells him to call around to-morrow and you'llload him up with all the information his nut can hold. Was that right?"

  Mr. Pepper seems to be mighty int'rested for awhile; but then he grins,pats me on the shoulder, and says: "That
was just right, Torchy, exactlyright. I couldn't have done it better myself."

  But half an hour later, after Miss Allen has stuck her gum on thepaperweight and skipped, and Sweetwater has slid out too, and just as Iwas gettin' ready to call it a day, Mr. Pepper calls me in on the rug.

  "Torchy," says he, "during the brief period that we have been associatedin business I have found your services very valuable and your societyvery cheering. In other words, Torchy, you're all right."

  "There's a pair of us, then," says I. "You're as good as they make them,Mr. Pepper."

  "Thanks, Torchy," says he, "thanks." Then he looks out of the window fora minute before he asks how I'd like a two-weeks' vacation with pay.

  "Well," says I, "seein' as how Coney's froze up, and Palm Beach don'tagree with my health, I'd just as soon put them two weeks in storageuntil July."

  "I see," says he; "but the fact is, Torchy, I've had a sudden call to goWest."

  "Out to the Glory Be mine?" says I.

  "You've guessed it," says he. "And I am taking this opportunity forreleasing Sweetwater and Miss Allen."

  "They ain't much use, anyway," says I. "But you wouldn't shut up theshop for fair, would you? Don't you want some one on hand to answerfool questions, or steer cranks off like that post-office guy that'scomin' to-morrow? Unless you think I'd hook the rolltop or pinch theletterpress, you'd better leave me sittin' on the lid."

  Well, sir, he seemed to take to that notion, and the next thing I knowsI'm tellin him about my scheme of wantin' to save up enough dough to payfor a little bunch of them Glory Be stocks.

  "It's a shame to waste all that good money on people that don't know acinch when it's passed out to 'em," says I, "and I've been thinkin' thatif I hung to the business long enough maybe I'd have a show to buy in."

  Say, you couldn't guess what Mr. Pepper up and does then. He opens thesafe, counts out a hundred shares of Glory Be common, and fills out thetransfer to me right on the spot.

  "Now, Torchy," says he, "it will cost you five weeks' salary to pay forthese; but if I raise you a dollar a week and take it out a little at atime you'll never miss it. Anyway, you're a shareholder from now on."

  Did you ever get rich all of a sudden, like that! You feel it first upand down the small of your back, and then it goes to your knees. Icouldn't say a blamed word that was sensible. I don't know just what Idid say, and I never come to until after Mr. Pepper'd finished up andgone, leavin' me with two-weeks' pay in my pocket, and a big envelopefull of them Glory Be shares, all printed in gold and purple ink, with apicture of Dakota Dan in the middle.

  I couldn't eat a bite of supper that night, and I puts in the evenin'readin' over them pamphlets we'd been sendin' out until I knew everyword of it by heart. I'll bet I got up and hid them stocks in a dozendiff'rent places before mornin', and an hour before bankin' time I wassittin' on the steps of the Treasury Trust concern, waitin' to hire oneof them steel pigeon-holes down in the vaults. After I'd got theenvelope stowed away and tied the key around my neck with a string, Igoes back to the office. Sweetie and Miss Allen was there, with theirhammers goin'. They'd found their blue tickets and their week's pay andwas just clearin' out.

  "I'd been planning to make a change for the last two weeks," says MissAllen. "I was looking for something like this."

  "Me too," says Sweetie. "It's rough on Torchy, though."

  "Say, don't you waste any sympathy on me," says I, "and don't let offany more knocks at Mr. Pepper. I won't stand for it!"

  With that they snickers and does a slow exit. That leaves me runnin' thegold minin' business single handed; but me bein' one of the firm, asyou might say, it was all right. I'd always had a notion that I'd be aplute some day; but honest, I wa'n't expectin' it so sudden. I was justtryin' to get used to it, when the door opens and in drifts that guyfrom the Marshal's office.

  "Where's Mr. Belmont Pepper?" says he.

  "Well," says I, "the last time I saw him he was headed west."

  "Skipped out!" says the gent, doin' the foiled villyun stunt with hisface.

  "Skipped nothin'," says I. "Mr. Pepper's gone out to look after themine."

  "Oh, he's gone to the mine, has he?" says the duck. "See here, kid, I'ma United States Deputy Marshal. Don't you try to tell me any fairystories, or you'll pull down trouble. We want your Mr. Pepper, and wewant him bad! He's a crook."

  Well say, it was a hot argument we had. He tries to tell me that thisminin' business is all a bunko game, and that there's a paper out forthe boss. Then he camps down in the private office and says he'll waituntil Mr. Pepper shows up. He makes a stab at it, too, and a nice longwait he has. I stuck it out for two weeks with him, tryin' to beat itinto his head that the Glory Be mine was a real gilt edged proposition.I'd have been there yet, only they comes and lugs off all the desks andthings and makes me give up the keys.

  Say, it was a tough deal, all right. It was some jay that stirred up allthe muss, howlin' for his coin that he thought he'd lost. But look atthe hole I'm in, after bein' so brash to Mr. Pepper about stayin' on thelid, and him lettin' me write my own valuation ticket! How do I squareit with him when he comes back and finds I've stood around and seen himclosed out?

  Old Velvet Foot, the deputy, says if the boss comes back at all he'll bewearin' a diff'rent face and flaggin' under another name. But I knowbetter. He's as square as a pavin' block. If he wa'n't, why was hedistributin' Glory Be stocks among fool outsiders, instead of keepin' itin the fam'ly?

  "Ah, brush your belfry!" says I. "Your mind needs chloride of lime onit."

  But say, shareholder or not, I've got to plug the market for somethin'that'll pass with the landlady. I've been livin' on crullers and coffeefor two days now, and that starter guy says if I don't quit hangin'around the arcade he'll have me pinched. I've wrote out a note to leavefor Mr. Pepper, and I guess it's up to me to frisk another job.

  You don't know where they want a near-plute as temp'rary office boy, doyou?