How to Survive a Horror Movie, Page 3

  3RD DEADLY SIN: INDEPENDENCE. Have you ever seen that documentary about wildebeests? The one where it’s nothing but slow-motion footage of them getting torn apart by lions and crocodiles? Great, isn’t it? Funny how the predators always seem to kill the animals that are on the outer edges of the herd. The ones who are either too slow or too stupid to draw strength from their numbers. This is not a coincidence.

  “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” Actually, you’re going about a third of the way home, at which point (after you’ve heard the second or third twig snap behind you) you decide that maybe this wasn’t such a hot idea. But by then it’s too late. As panic takes hold, you break into a jog … then a sprint, and then—oh, I won’t spoil it for you.

  “C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny.” No, it sure isn’t. Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten distracted and wandered away from the others. Oh, and by the way, you have about four seconds to live.

  “We can cover more ground if we split up.” You forgot to add “with blood” between “ground” and “if.”

  4TH DEADLY SIN: UGLINESS. Nobody said horror movies were fair. That goes double for people with acne, glasses, or cottage cheese in the seat. You see, in the “everybody’s a teen model except the funny fat guy” world of horror movies, it’s a sin to be anything less than drop-dead gorgeous. And while it’s true that even the hottest of hotties sometimes gets disposed of, it’s usually because he or she engages in one of the other deadly sins (especially number seven, this page). It’s rare that someone is killed for good looks alone. On the other hand, ugly people could put on body armor, lock themselves in a padded room buried beneath a mountain, and surround themselves with armed guards, and they’d still get wasted before the one-hour mark.

  5TH DEADLY SIN: CURIOSITY. Have you ever been in a theater when the girl (in the movie) hears a strange noise and decides to see where it’s coming from? Notice how everyone in the audience starts tensing up as she climbs the stairs? That’s because they know one of the basic horror movie equations:

  Investigation = mutilation.

  Now that you are that character, remember that when you go to “check something out,” the audience is getting tenser with every step. Especially if your dialogue includes any of the following lines:

  “Is that you, Patches?” If “Patches” is your nickname for the naked man hiding in your closet with razorblades on his fingertips, then yes, it is.

  “I wonder what that creepy old house looks like on the inside.” Probably a lot like the inside of a creepy old house. One that you and your soon-to-be mutilated friends have no business setting foot in.

  “Do you think it’s dead?” No. Go ahead and poke it with a stick. We want to watch it grab your arm and bite half your face off.

  6TH DEADLY SIN: IRRESPONSIBILITY. If you’re supposed to be guarding the door, then guard the door. Don’t wander off to take a leak. If you’re supposed to be watching the kids, don’t do bong hits with your headphones on. If you’re supposed to wake your friend up at the first sign of a bad dream, don’t fall asleep. How hard is that? In a horror movie, if you accept a task and fail to carry it out, either you or someone close to you is going to die.

  • “Aw, what’s a little nap gonna hurt?” A lot.

  • “Trust me, the kids are sound asleep.” No, the kids are dead.

  • “How come I always get the crappy jobs?” Because you’re an idiot, and you’re about to prove that fact by failing miserably at the simple task you were assigned.

  7TH DEADLY SIN: VEHICULAR SEX. Everybody knows the old adage about sex in horror movies: Do it and die. Well, yes and no. While it’s certainly advisable to keep it in your pants while visiting the Terrorverse, there are plenty of people who have sex and live to brag about it. That’s because they copulate in the comfort of their own homes, or the privacy of a respectable massage parlor. Because they avoid the one kind of nasty that’s guaranteed to result in death: vehicular sex. The kind counselors have when they steal the equipment van and drive into the woods. The kind the prom king and queen have in the school parking lot. In the real world, sex and cars make great bedfellows. But in the horror world, when someone asks for a long, hard rod in their trunk, hand them the tire iron.

  WHY NOT SLAP A “MURDER ME PLEASE” BUMPER STICKER ON YOUR CAR?

  10 PLACES TO NEVER, EVER, EVER GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

  Rooms lit by a single hanging light bulb.

  Rooms lit by nothing.

  Any graveyard that isn’t Arlington National Cemetery.

  Summer camps whose annual counselor murder rate exceeds 10 percent.

  Maine.

  “The old_____________.”

  Hotels/motels that aren’t part of giant international chains.

  Upstairs.

  Downstairs.

  Any log cabin anywhere on the face of the earth.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE HIGH SCHOOL

  When you’re in a horror movie, nothing’s more dangerous than a building full of 14- to 18-year-olds. Not demons, not serial killers, not chemical weapons—nothing. And since you’re a current guest of the Terrorverse, there’s a very good chance that you are a high school student. At the very least, you have some kind of affiliation with the school—whether it’s as a teacher, a parent, or recent alumnus. Therefore, it’s crucial that you understand the many, many dangers of being in a place where the Freshman 15 refers to the number of murders per semester. Use them to your own benefit, or pass them on to friends and loved ones. Either way … welcome to Horror High.

  1. UN-CLIQUE YOURSELF. When screenwriters craft their cliché-laden horror scripts, they might think, “Hey, what about a funny fat guy?” or “Hey, a pissy Goth chick would be perfect here.” But they almost never think, “Hey, I need a totally nondescript character that’s hard for my largely teenaged audience to categorize.”

  Bingo. Your goal is to be a human chunk of tofu—something that mixes well with everything but remains completely uninteresting (or unappetizing, your pick) on its own. This can be largely accomplished with a new dress code:

  Clothing. For boys, the recommended uniform is a pair of well-fitting blue jeans, a white, grey, or black T-shirt (no slogans, band names, or logos), and low-cut sneakers. For girls, a plain knee-length skirt, unrevealing earth-tone top (preferably covered with a black cardigan), and ballet flats.

  Hair. If you’re a boy, go to the local big-name franchise hair salon and ask for the following: short (not messy) on top, round in the back, and number two on the sides. Decline any offers of hair gel, and lose the sideburns. Obviously, facial hair is out of the question. For girls, anything pulled back into a ponytail (no bangs) should do the trick.

  Accessories. As a general rule, they should be avoided. But if you must, keep it simple: cheap watches (no throwbacks, calculators, or wide-bands), thin gold or silver necklaces (no religious symbols, lockets, or name plates), and simple earrings (girls only, and no hoops—only whores wear hoops).

  2. MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE SHOP TEACHER. Even when the other teachers turn out to be aliens or vampires, you can count on the shop teacher’s blue collar virtues to win the day. Plus, he has power tools.

  3. DON’T USE YOUR LOCKER. In horror movies, there are only four things that can happen when you’re caught standing at your locker, none of them good:

  • You’re harassed by the school bully. This sets off your need to teach him or her a lesson, leading you to the cornfield rave and, ultimately, your gruesome death.

  • You find something creepy hanging inside, which sets off an ancient curse, leading you to become a living vessel for a long-dead demon and, ultimately, your gruesome death.

  • Your friend has a great idea—some childish prank that leads you to piss off someone you shouldn’t have and, ultimately, your gruesome death.

  • You watch the new girl/boy walk down the hallway in slow motion. Next thing you know, you are on a quest to nail her or him, leading you to realize that he or she’s actually a murdero
us psychopath and, ultimately, your gruesome death.

  4. POLITELY DECLINE ALL AFTER-SCHOOL INVITATIONS. Just as nothing good can happen at a locker, no good can come from accepting an invitation to do anything after school in a horror movie:

  • “Hey, you want to go keep me company while I babysit tonight?” No thanks, I’ll take my chances juggling flaming razor-finned piranhas at my house. I figure it’s safer.

  • “Hey, I heard there’s this huge party at …” Stop right there. That “huge party” will turn out to be three ugly guys and a bored girl drinking warm beer in the woods, each of whom will be eaten when they wander off to pee.

  • “Oh my God, you should totally come camping with us.” Oh my God, I totally shouldn’t, ’cause you’re so getting decapitated!

  • “We’re going to sneak into that boarded-up hotel tonight and read Latin from this book we found.” Have fun. I’ll be in Antarctica.

  5. AVOID SCHOOL FUNCTIONS LIKE THE PLAGUE. Forget the Spring Social and the homecoming game. Your goal should be spending as little time with the students and faculty as possible. Every second you’re in their sight (or even near the campus) is another second you’re being exposed to danger.

  6. BE NICE TO EVERYBODY. And that means everybody—from the biggest bullying dickhead to the lowliest headgear-wearing fatty, no matter how you’re treated in return. It has nothing to do with the Golden Rule, and everything to do with staying alive. Remember this: The Terrorverse abhors an asshole, and sooner or later, it finds a way of wiping them from existence.

  THE SHOP TEACHER: YOUR MOST VALUABLE ALLY.

  SIGNS THAT YOU SHOULD STOP TEASING A FELLOW STUDENT IMMEDIATELY

  • All the doors in the room suddenly slam shut.

  • He or she gets a nose bleed.

  • You get a nose bleed.

  • He or she stares—unblinking—into the distance.

  • He or she says something even remotely like “I wouldn’t do that if I were you …”

  • Wind starts blowing through his or her hair, even though you’re indoors.

  CHAPTER II

  SLASHER SURVIVAL SCHOOL MASKS, GLOVES, AND MOTELS

  NORMAN

  She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.

  —PSYCHO (1960)

  Forget heart disease. Forget cancer. In the Terrorverse, slashers are the leading cause of death. More than half of us will perish under their knives, gloves, and axes—not because they’re so clever, but because we (their prey) are usually stupid beyond comprehension. So put your clothes on, lock the door to your camp cabin, and let’s get you out of this mess alive …

  THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE: FIVE TYPES OF SLASHERS AND HOW TO DEFEAT THEM

  slash•er—n. (slǎ-shәr)

  One who slashes: a slasher of tires

  The most common predator in the horror movie universe, slashers are named for their tendency to use sharp objects to violently kill or mutilate human prey.

  Like a shark’s, a slasher’s beauty lies in its simplicity. It’s the perfect killing machine—an engine of death. Every molecule—every action—is devoted to extermination. And just as there are hammerheads, great whites, and nurse sharks, slashers also come in different shapes and sizes. There are three species—the living, or Slashus Vitalis (serial killers; other psychopaths); the sort-of-living, or S. Semianimis (reincarnated mental patients); and the not-so-living, or S. Mortalis (dead child murderers). And each of those species can be further divided into five types—all requiring different skills to identify and defeat.

  1. THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE

  How to Identify Them: SSTs often wear masks and coveralls to hide their disfigured or decaying flesh and never, ever speak (either for psychological reasons or because their vocal chords have decomposed). Thanks to their freakishly large physiques, they can walk faster than humans can sprint. SSTs have no pain receptors, so they take being shot, stabbed, or dismembered in stride. Their weapons of choice are butcher knives and machetes, and their primary habitats are small towns and heavily wooded areas.

  How to Defeat Them: Smarts. You can’t outrun them, and you certainly can’t take them on, but you can capitalize on their Achilles’ heel: one-dimensional thinking. SSTs are single-minded creatures—they see only what’s directly in front of them and think only about the victim at hand. This tunnel vision makes them extremely vulnerable to traps—especially those that use decoys (human or otherwise) to lure them in. And once you’ve got them where you want them? There are only two ways to permanently silence the silent: (1) Burn them until they’re reduced to ash, mix that ash into wet cement, and use that cement to build a children’s hospital; or (2) crush them in a hydraulic press, put the remains through a wood chipper three times, and feed the shreds to puppies.

  2. THE GAMESMAN

  How to Identify Them: Gamesmen aren’t satisfied with old-fashioned murder—they need to make you endure the unthinkable: kill your best friend or mutilate your own body, for instance. They spend incredible amounts of time planning their schemes, which almost always begin by drugging and kidnapping their victims, waiting for them to wake up chained to something, and taunting them over an intercom. Next comes the “just to show you how serious I am” display of violence, followed by the “if you want to live, you’re going to have to [insert complex/terrifying task here].” Naturally, the promise of earned freedom is always a lie. Their weapons of choice are overbuilt torture devices and surgical instruments, and their primary habitats are urban warehouse districts.

  How to Defeat Them: Play dumb. Ask for an explanation every time you’re given an order, no matter how basic it is. If you’re told to cut off your own hand with a pocket knife, ask, “Which attachment do you suggest?” Or “Should I start with the fingers and work my way up, take it off at the wrist, or what?” The Gamesman gets his kicks by playing God. Stupid questions force him down to your level—the last place he wants to be. If you’re able to get him flustered enough, he might make that one mistake that allows you to escape. Or put a .45 in your skull. Either way, the joke’s on him. Who’s gonna play his stupid game now, huh?

  3. THE HALF-RETARDED HILLBILLY

  How to Identify Them: In a horror movie, if your car breaks down in some bone-dry, long-forgotten town, anyone you encounter is either a half-retarded hillbilly or working in close association with one. Here’s how it usually goes: You’re forced to rely on the only tow truck driver in the entire county, who turns out to be a roper for the local inbred family of serial killers. Before long, you find yourself trapped in their clown-themed dungeon, where you’re tortured, killed, buried, dug up, and eaten. HRHs kill because of their backwash DNA and because, frankly, they’ve got nothing better to do. Their weapons of choice are farm tools, and their primary habitats are anywhere nonretarded hillbillies are found.

  How to Defeat Them: Out-crazy them. HRHs love to intimidate victims with displays of their inbred insanity—drinking from a jar full of severed testicles, dressing the hairiest family member in a little girl’s leotard, etc. But you’ve got one weapon they don’t: a twenty-first-century worldview. Intimidate them right back with tales of modern-day horror, such as things you’ve witnessed in nightclub bathrooms or German porn clips you’ve seen on the Internet. If those don’t make them vomit and drive you to the county line, nothing will.

  4. THE WISECRACKER

  How to Identify Them: They’re highly intelligent and highly inventive, and their timing is impeccable. Unlike other slashers, wisecrackers embrace the world around them—pop culture in particular. While another slasher might simply decapitate you, a wisecracker would decapitate you, toss your head into the garbage can, and say, “Nothin’ but neck.” They also have a strange proclivity to rhyme for no reason. Wisecrackers can be particularly hard to defeat, since the audience is usually rooting for them. Their weapons of choice are razor blades and humorously repurposed objects, and their primary habitats are small towns and nightmares.

  How
to Defeat Them: Play to their insecurities. Ask them why they feel the need to make all those jokes. Is it because they never got enough attention growing up? Are they afraid no one will like them unless they’re constantly entertaining? Could this be why they feel the need to kill teenagers? The same teens that made fun of them all those years ago? Don’t they see that by killing, they’re just feeding into a vicious cycle of isolationism? If that doesn’t work, just keep repeating the four magic words: “I don’t get it.”

  5. THE MAMA’S BOY

  How to Identify Them: Poor mama’s boy. So damaged. So unloved. If only mother had let him play with other boys, maybe his taxidermy hobby would’ve stopped at rodents. Maybe he could have been a real doctor—the kind that helps people, instead of the kind that, well … doesn’t. But no. She just had to keep yelling. Even when she continued to bathe him at age 14, telling him how filthy his body was. Telling him what a sinner he was. Mama’s boys (who can also be girls) have to kill mother again, and again, and again. But she never dies. Their weapons of choice are butcher knives, and their primary habitats are unrestricted.

  How to Defeat Them: Get them laid. Seriously. If they’re about to drive a blade through your chest, hold up your hands, ask them to “wait a sec,” and invite them out for a night on the town. Chances are they’ll drop the knife and start sobbing on the spot, since it’s the first time anyone’s ever invited them anywhere. Take them club-hopping, act interested in their rambling stories about squirrel anatomy, and slip a hot guy some cash to flirt with them (whether a mama’s boy is male or female, they want a guy—trust me). This strategy will save yourself as well as untold numbers of future victims.