The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens, Page 3

  In this book, we’ll use the 7 Habits as a tool kit to help you make these big decisions. So just what are the 7 habits of highly effective teens? Simply put, they are the habits that successful and happy teenagers from Africa to Alaska have in common. Don’t leave home without them!

  READY FOR TOMORROW

  My purpose in writing this book is simple: I want to help you make smart choices around each of the six decisions so you can be happy and healthy today, and ready for tomorrow—a future so bright you’ll have to wear shades. When you turn twenty and retire from being a teen, I want you to be able to say:

  • I have a solid education!

  • I have good friends that bring out the best in me!

  • I have good relationships with my parents!

  • I don’t have an STD, am not pregnant (nor gotten anyone pregnant), and have made smart choices about dating and sex!

  • I am addiction-free!

  • I like myself and am okay with who I am!

  Of course, you’ll make mistakes during your teen years, face many struggles, and have many highs and lows. No one expects you to be perfect. But please don’t make it harder than it has to be. By simply making smarter choices starting today, your teenage journey can be so much smoother.

  I like what the poet Robert Frost had to say about the importance of decisions.

  P.S.

  Oh, by the way, I encourage you to personalize your book. A teen named Carol said, “I come from a book-oriented family. I’ve been reading since the age of three, and writing anything in a book is a sin.” I was raised this way too. But let’s change that rule, right now. The new rule is: Mark up your book! Get out your pen, colored pencils, highlighter—whatever—and go to town. Scribble. Doodle. Have some fun with it. Write in the margins. Circle quotes you want to remember. Highlight stories that inspire you. Record insights as they come. You’ll get a lot more out of this book if you make it your own.

  COMING ATTRACTIONS

  Up next, we’ll talk about who this guy they call “the man” really is. If you’re curious, keep reading!

  On the next page is a chart with numbers from 1 to 54. Your challenge is to find each number on the chart, starting at 1, then 2, then 3, and so on, all the way to 54. Take 1 1/2 minutes and see how many numbers you can find. There are no missing numbers or tricks. Are you ready? On your mark, get set, go.

  How far did you get? Most people get to about number 30. Now, I want you to try it again, but this time I’m going to teach you a method to help you locate the numbers. Go to page 32, and everything will be explained there.

  Welcome back. So, how far did you get this time? Perhaps you got all the way to 54. What was the difference? The only difference is that I gave you a way of thinking—a framework—to help you find the numbers. Once you knew where to look, you could move at three times the speed.

  That’s exactly what the 7 Habits are. They are a framework or a way of thinking that can help you solve your problems better and faster. They will be vitally important in helping you make smart choices for these six most important decisions. So, throughout the book, I will refer to them from time to time.

  To get you started, I’m going to give you a quick crash course on the 7 Habits. Before diving into the Habits, you need to understand two quick concepts: paradigms and principles.

  WHAT’S A PARADIGM?

  A paradigm is your perception, point of view, or the way you see the world. My brother-in-law Kameron once worked hard for several weeks building a wall made of railroad ties in his backyard. When he was almost finished, his neighbor regretfully asked Kameron if he could please take out the railroad ties and use rocks instead. She simply explained that her husband didn’t want to look at a railroad tie wall for the rest of his life.

  Kameron’s work mates couldn’t believe the nerve of this neighbor to ask such a thing when the wall was almost finished. Although Kameron didn’t fully understand her reasoning, he knew they’d be neighbors for a long time, and, although it cost him another week of extra work, he did what she requested and replaced the railroad ties with rocks.

  The next week, Kam’s neighbor came over and expressed appreciation for rebuilding the wall for her husband’s sake. “You see,” she explained, “he’d never tell you this, but when my husband was a teenager, he was imprisoned in a labor camp for eighteen months in Germany after the war. During all those months he had to carry railroad ties, and, to this day, he gets sick to his stomach when he even looks at one.”

  Can you see how a little understanding immediately changed Kameron’s perception? His anger turned to compassion in an instant. That’s called a paradigm shift. Sometimes our paradigms or perceptions are way off and need to be fixed. That’s why we shouldn’t judge other people. We seldom know the whole story.

  This book will challenge many of the paradigms you have about yourself and life in general. You may, for example, believe that you and your mom could never get along. Or you may be convinced that you could never do well in school. Or you may feel that it’s unrealistic to refrain from having sex as a teen. In reality, it may be that your paradigm is messed up, and that with a little more information, you’d feel differently, just as Kameron did. Remember, the key to changing yourself is to first change your perspective or paradigm.

  WHAT’S A PRINCIPLE?

  Principles are natural laws. Gravity is a principle. If you toss an apple into the air, it will come down, regardless of whether you live in New York or New Delhi, or whether you’re alive today or in 2000 B.C.

  Just as there are principles that govern the physical world, there are principles that govern human interaction. Honesty, for example, is a principle. If you are honest with other people, you will earn their trust. If you are dishonest, you may fool people for some time but you’ll eventually be found out—always. Other examples of principles are hard work, respect, service, focus, patience, responsibility, love, renewal, choice, and justice. There are dozens more.

  The following is a transcript of an apocryphal radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. It illustrates what I mean by principles.

  Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

  Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

  Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

  Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

  Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That’s one-five degrees north, or countermeasures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.

  Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

  Principles are like lighthouses. They’re timeless, universal, and self-evident. You can’t break principles; you can only break yourself against them, no matter who you are.

  Since principles can never fail us, they are the best possible things to center our lives on. By centering on principles, all the other important aspects of our lives—friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, school, and family—find their proper place. Ironically, putting principles first is the key to doing better in all these other areas.

  Each of the 7 Habits is based upon timeless principles that never go out of style. Throughout the book I’ll show you the havoc that’s created when you center your life on anything other than principles.

  THE 7 HABITS

  The 7 habits of highly effective teens are the 7 characteristics that happy and successful teens the world over have in common. Here’s a list of the habits and quick explanations.

  HABIT 1

  BE PROACTIVE

  Take responsibility for your life.

  HABIT 2

  BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND

  Define your mi
ssion and goals in life.

  HABIT 3

  PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST

  Prioritize, and do the most important things first.

  HABIT 4

  THINK WIN-WIN

  Have an everyone-can-win attitude.

  HABIT 5

  SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD

  Listen to people sincerely.

  HABIT 6

  SYNERGIZE

  Work together to achieve more.

  HABIT 7

  SHARPEN THE SAW

  Renew yourself regularly.

  As the preceding diagram shows, the habits build upon each other. The first three habits, numbers 1, 2, and 3, form the root structure. These habits deal with getting your own act together. We call it the Private Victory. It’s all underground because nobody but you really knows what’s going on. Too often, we try to change other people before changing ourselves but, as we all know, it doesn’t work that way. All change starts at the roots, with you.

  The next three habits, numbers 4, 5, and 6, form the trunk and branches, the stuff that everyone sees. These habits deal with getting along with other people. We call it the Public Victory. If you haven’t won the Private Victory to some degree, it will be impossible to win the public one. The key to good relationships is to make peace with yourself first. It’s inside out, not outside in.

  Above the tree are the things that nurture the tree from the roots to the leaf tops, like rain and sunshine. This is Habit 7, or the habit of Renewal. It breathes life and vitality into all the other habits.

  Let me give you an image for each habit to help you remember them.

  HABIT 1 BE PROACTIVE

  For Habit 1, picture a remote control.

  Habit 1 is all about taking responsibility for your life and being the captain of your own ship. As my friend author John Bytheway puts it, proactive people carry the remote control to their lives. They choose their channel or mood. Reactive people allow other people or things to control them, as if they’ve given their remote to other people or things that can change their moods at the push of a button. They allow a rude comment by a friend to ruin their whole day.

  Reactive people say stuff like:

  • “My boyfriend is making my life miserable.”

  • “I can’t get good grades as long as he’s my teacher.”

  • “Mom, you’re messing up my life.”

  • “If I had her looks, I’d be popular too.”

  In the movie School of Rock there’s a great scene in which the substitute teacher, Dewey, is sarcastically trying to teach the kids about how we too easily become victims to “the man,” or that imaginary force that is out to get us.

  Dewey: What, you want me to teach you something? You want to learn something? All right, here’s a useful lesson for you. Give up. Just quit. Because in this life, you can’t win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end, you’re just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man.

  Frankie: Who?

  Dewey: The Man. Oh, you don’t know the Man? Oh, well, he’s everywhere. In the White House, down the hall. Miss Mullins, she’s the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he’s burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank. Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock ‘n’ roll. But guess what. Oh, no. The Man ruined that too with a little thing called MTV! So don’t waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome. ‘Cause the Man’s just gonna call you a fat, washed-up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just give up!

  The point is, when you play the victim, you give up control, and you hand over your remote to the Man, whether it be your parents, a teacher, a girlfriend or boyfriend, a boss, or fate itself. Habit 1 is all about taking back the remote and taking responsibility for your life.

  For example, Jen told me how she used to let little comments at school make her miserable. After learning about Habit 1, however, she took back her remote. Jen said,

  “It doesn’t intimidate me to say ‘hi’ to people in the halls anymore. When something bad happens, I smile through it. It’s kind of amazing how happy I am, and how I consider most days good when I used to consider the same days bad. And when he doesn’t say ‘hi’ to me, I say ‘hi’ to someone hotter and make my own day.”

  As you’ll see, Habit 1 plays a key role in every one of the important decisions.

  HABIT 2 BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND

  For Habit 2, think of a road map.

  Think about the last long road trip you went on. Without a map, how hard would it have been to find your destination? Pretty difficult. You might have eventually found it, but you would have wasted a lot of time and energy in the process. So it is with us. If we aren’t clear about our end in mind, about our goals and what we stand for, we’ll wander, waste time, and be tossed to and fro by the opinions of others.

  To help you define where you want to go in life, I recommend writing a personal mission statement or a clear set of goals or both. Think of it as your personal road map. Here’s a mission statement shared by Ayesha Johnson from Hunter’s Lane High School.

  MY MISSION STATEMENT IS…

  …To be the best I can be.

  …To continue to be a role model to my younger cousins.

  …To graduate from high school and college.

  …To continue to help people with their situations.

  …To be a good student.

  …To be a wife and mother later in life.

  …To be a successful businesswoman/owner.

  …To one day save a lot of money and help the needy.

  …To donate my organs to someone who needs them when I die.

  …To most of all believe that through God all things are possible, if you just believe.

  Imagine how much this mission statement directs Ayesha’s life day to day. Mission statements come in all kinds of forms—some long, some short, in poetry or art form. Here’s yet another mission statement by Peter Parker.

  Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: “With great power comes great responsibility.” This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I’m Spider-Man.

  Throughout the book, I’ll share mission statements from teens and encourage you to write your own.*

  HABIT 3 PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST

  For Habit 3, imagine a 13-hour clock.

  When you put first things first, it expands your time. It’s almost like having a 13-hour clock. The Time Quadrants is an amazing model that can help you find more time. It is made up of two ingredients:

  Important: your most important things;

  stuff that really matters.

  Urgent: things that are in your

  face and demand your immediate attention.

  Quadrant 1 are things that are both important and urgent. This includes stuff like getting to work on time, a car breaking down, the big test tomorrow. These things are important and they have to be done now. Sometimes crises just pop up; in fact, they always will. Too often, however, we create them because we procrastinate. That’s why Quadrant 1 is the home of The Procrastinator. A Q1 lifestyle leads to burnout and high stress. Spend less time here.

  Quadrant 2 includes things that are important but not urgent. So what is important but not urgent? How about exercise? Is that important? Yes. Is it urgent? No. Not really. You’re not going to die if you don’t exercise today. So, it belongs in Quadrant 2. What about a paper that is due in a week? Is it important? Yes. Is it urgent? No. Not yet. But if you procrastinate too long, then suddenly it turns into a Q1 crisis. So, it also belongs in Q2. Quadrant 2 is where The Prioritizer lives. It’s the place you want to be. Time spent here leads to a balanced life and high performance.

  Quadrant 3 represents stuff that is urgent but not important, such as many phone calls and e-mails, interruptions, and other people’s small problems. Because this stuff is urgent, it appears important, but it’s really not. Quadrant 3 is where The Yes-Man hangs
out. He says yes to everything and everyone because he doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. In so doing, he only disappoints himself. Avoid this quadrant at all costs.

  Quadrant 4 is filled with time wasters and too much of a good thing, such as really long phone calls, endless internet sessions, too much sleep, and mall marathons. Some of these activities are relaxing and necessary at first, but do them too much and they become a waste. This is the home of The Slacker. Don’t waste your time here.

  Just having a simple understanding of the Quadrants will help you immensely at school. See what it did for Sarah, a 16-year-old junior.

  I was a very good student, but when tests came, I would do very poorly on them. I had no clue why I would bomb even though I knew the material being discussed. When I saw the Quadrants it made me realize I was definitely the Yes-Man. When I was supposed to be studying I would have interruptions that I thought were important, like a phone call. I was easily distracted. I would then cram the morning before the test to get as much information in my head. I am learning to say no to people at times and say yes to me. My teachers have taught me that it is okay to be a little selfish about my priorities.

  HABIT 4 THINK WIN-WIN

  For Habit 4, think of a high five.

  The high five seems to have been around since the caveman and is a symbol of teamwork and the Win-Win spirit. Think Win-Win is an attitude toward life that believes everyone can win. It’s not you or me, it’s both of us. Instead of being threatened by the successes of others, you’re happy for them. Their success does not take away from you. Instead of stepping on other people (Win-Lose) or being the doormat for others to wipe their feet (Lose-Win), you’re always thinking of ways for both sides to get what they want.