Intense Insane In Love, Page 4

CHAPTER FOUR

  It's been three weeks since Robert and I ended our relationship. During those weeks I thought a lot about how my father left my mother and their marriage. He left without a warning. He just never came home one night. I didn't have time to distance myself, harden my heart, and tell him I hate him, or at least rebel.

  For twelve years he pretended to love me. Then just like that - he bailed. I meant nothing to him. He no longer wanted me. I was in the way, an inconvenience in his new life. How can a father not love his own daughter? I never thought he could have abandoned me like that, but he did. His price - a mistress that wanted to be a doctor's wife. She didn't even love him - I did.

  Loving someone is never enough when they don't love you back.

  He was supposed to be my protector but he did me the most harm. He was supposed to provide me with love and security. Instead he delivered me into the hands of Satan, who crushed my spirit.

  My father, the only man I've ever loved, handed me over to a monster to appease his wife. Effortlessly he went on with his life, enjoying his wealth and prestige, as I was being gutted open, as my soul rotted.

  No matter how much I dress and bandage the wounds they never heal.

  This Christmas I spent alone. It was my first Christmas on my own. Oddly enough I preferred it that way. The whole day was spent in bed watching television and reading romance novels. I didn't bother to shower. I spoke to Carol and John for a few minutes and told their kids Merry Christmas.

  Robert called he wanted to bring my Christmas gift over since he already bought it. I didn't pick up.

  I didn't call Kari, and she didn't call me - fuck her!

  Shortly after Christmas I called the head hunters to see if any new positions had come up - nothing. Desperate, I called that weird aggressive head hunter Denise. She actually had a couple of positions. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

  If nothing comes up by the end of the week I'm going to start looking in Connecticut or maybe further. I was considering Atlanta, but I'm afraid. I'd be too homesick. I wouldn't be able to visit my mom.

  On New Year's Day, I went to visit my mother's grave. I spent most of the day crying. I miss her so much. Her love was real and unconditional. No one else will love me like she did.

  Every time I look in the mirror I see her. Beyond the fullness of my thick lips, my complexion, and my chocolate almond shaped eyes, I see her rage, I see her fears, and I see her loneliness. April eighth will make it fourteen years since she died, since the cancer ate up my heart until nothing was left.

  For ten months I watched her in agony, in her own hell, slowly being consumed by such a merciless disease. The cancer devoured her. By the time the end came I couldn't remember the buoyant woman she once was. Sometimes I felt rage towards my father for leaving her to go through this alone, most of the time I was just in awe to see how strong she was. He didn't deserve her.

  About a year after my dad left she found Jesus. He was the man that was going to heal her heart. She told me he'd love her with such a perfect love. She truly believed it.

  Two years later she dropped dead.

  As she was dying, barely able to speak, all she did was worry about me. She kept saying, "I'm ok. I'm ok. Don't cry baby." When her eyes closed for the last time and the last breath escaped her body, I was alone and unloved for the first time in my life. Whatever part of my heart I was able to salvage after my father's abandonment died with my mother.

  If Christianity is real then my mother died a Christian and she is in heaven, but in real life terms she had no guarantees. Christians live their lives thinking God is with us, so they do things by faith, as my mother did - and my mom dropped dead. She wasn't healed. She's dead! The consolidation that I'm given is that she is in a better place. I needed her with me, and she wanted to be with me. So how is death a better place?

  If God exits I'd be a fool to turn my back on him. But I need a measuring stick, evidence that this faith is not a head trip like everything else in this crocked world. My mom being healed of cancer instead of dropping dead would have been real evidence of God's existence.

  How do I know that this man called Jesus was what they said he was - The Savior? My own father couldn't...no, wouldn't love me. Yet I'm supposed to believe that this God downgraded himself into human form and willingly died a miserable death just for me? Isn't this the same God that couldn't or wouldn't heal my mother of cancer when I needed her so desperately? Maybe I'm missing something but I don't get it. Why do one and not the other?

  My life would have gone so differently if my mom lived. I would have never gone to live with my dad. His wife would have never kicked me out. I would have never had to move in with her fifty year old brother Ken. The things that happened to me would have never happened. Thank goodness for Kari. She was all I had during those days. She saved my life. I was in a soul deadening hell that I wanted out of. It didn't take me long before I got up the courage to slit my wrist.

  My hospital stay only lasted a week. I enjoyed being in the hospital. I preferred it to being at Ken's place. I feared him then. Sometimes when the nurses came to check on me I'd sense someone in the room and wake up screaming thinking that was him coming to my room again.

  When Kari came to visit me in the hospital there was a barrage of tears. She took my hospitalization much worse than I did.

  "What happened?" Sitting by me on the side of my hospital bed her voice was like a whisper, barely audible over her sniffles. "Why did you do it?"

  Shrugging my shoulders I looked passed her at the TV, The Cosby Show was on. "I don't know. I just wanted to I guess. "

  She burst into another unbearable fit of tears. The heavy shaking of her shoulders stirred the bed. Keeping my eyes glued on the television I tried my best to ignore her. I couldn't afford to feel anything at that moment, before I completely fell apart.

  "You're not going to tell me?"

  When her emotions ebbed, I brought my gaze back to her. "I don't want to talk about it." A tear slipped out pass my emotional barricade. Quickly, I turned my head towards the wall so she wouldn't see my tears.

  "But we tell each other everything." There was an angry edge in her tone. "Was it what's his face?" I nodded and wiped my eyes. Shame stopped me from looking at her.

  "Did he hurt you?"

  I nodded again.

  She was so quiet I could hear her breathe.

  I mopped my tears and finally looked at her. "Kari? Are you ok?"

  She looked at me, her face was expressionless. "Yeah. I'm ok. You're the one in the hospital. Move aside let me get on the bed." I scooted over, giving her enough space to lie down next to me. "Are you going back to your dads?"

  "No. My dad thinks it best I stay where I'm at."

  "Do you think he's gonna stop?"

  I shook my head, and wiped the tears blurring my vision.

  She sighed, "Come here." She placed her arm around me like a mother would to comfort a child, and she smoothed my hair while I continued to cry.

  "Well," she said casually, breaking the repetition of my sniffles. "We can always kill him."

  Her comment pulled a startled laugh out of me that had snot flowing out of my nose. It was my first laugh in weeks. Wiping my noise with the bed sheet I sighed with regret. "No, that's a sin. It’s one of the Ten Commandments."

  "That's silly. It's not a sin when you're sending the devil to hell." She was very matter of fact about it.

  Confused and overwhelmed, I changed the topic to Kari's favorite one, Jason Cunningham, the love of her life. "How's Jason?"

  "He got accepted into The University of Penn."

  "That's an ivy league school. He must be psyched." I tried my best to sound happy for him.

  "He's very excited." There was a sharp sadness in her words.

  "What's wrong?"

  "I don't understand how he can be happy about leaving me."

  "You still have a few months together before he leaves."

  "That won'
t be enough."

  "He's only going to college Kari. He'll be back."

  "It's in another state. We won't see each other and when he comes back he won't want me anymore. I can't compete with those college girls. We're pretty much over. I'm just gonna break up with him before summer begins. You're all I have left."

  "I'm not staying either." She closed her eyes against the tears. Taking a deep breath she asked, "What do you mean? Where are you going?"

  "I'm going to run away."

  "And go where?" Her eyes popped open, bulging, red and piercing through me.

  I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know, maybe Mexico."

  "Mexico?" I watched her heart sink then shatter.

  "Yeah. I'll get a job dancing at one of those resorts. With all the dance classes that bitch forced me to take, I should be able to land a job."

  "When are you leaving for Mexico?"

  "Not sure." I was leaving for Mexico as soon as I got back to Ken's.

  "Oh, sis you can't leave me." She grabbed my arm as if to stop me from leaving.

  "You'll be fine."

  Blindly I returned my gaze to the television. Bill Cosby was still playing the part of the perfect dad with his perfect family. It didn't ring through as real. Right then I realized Kari and I were family. We weren't perfect like the Cosbys but that was alright, because prefect families were only fit for television.

  "When are you checking out?" Her tears dried, her expression was somber and determined.

  "Wednesday."

  "Is your dad coming to pick you up?"

  "No. He doesn't have the time. He's letting what's his face pick me up."

  "I hate your father. How can he send you back to live with that bastard?"

  "That's ok. I think he'll leave me alone the first night."

  "I'll come with you. I'll spend the night." She insisted eagerly. "My mom is working the night shift all through next week."

  "No. Please don't. He'll hurt you."

  She waved away my concern with a hand. "Don't worry I can handle him. It'll be great. We can prank call Jason and tell him there was an error and he was not really accepted to University of Penn, so he'll have to say in New York."

  "He knows your voice Kari."

  "True...Maybe you can call?"

  "Kari, he's not going to fall for it."

  "Please...I love him so much. I'll never love anyone else the same way." Her eyes were quickly regaining their gloss, feeling her sadness I conceded.

  "Fine, I'll call."

  The more thoughts of my past fill my head the harder it gets to leave my bed and return to living in the present. I've called out sick from work for the past three days, and I don't feel like going back. Maybe I'll quit, and move to Pennsylvania or wherever without a job. I can live on my savings and take any job in the meantime, even a staff accountant or bookkeeper position.

  The fullness of my bladder finally motivates me to get out of bed. Slowly I drag myself off the bed. On my way to the bathroom I glance at the clock, it's four in the afternoon. I guess that means it's time to brush my teeth and take a shower.

  The phone rings, I ignore it and let the machine pick up, it might be Kari calling. She's the last person that I want to talk to right now.

  "Good afternoon Leah, this is Denise Kalzowitz from Finance Professionals. United Blue, one of the companies that I sent your resume to is interested in setting up an interview..." I run out of the bathroom and snatched the phone off the receiver before she hangs up.

  "Hello," I say in between heavy breaths.

  "Leah?"

  "Good afternoon Denise." I take a few deep breaths to compose myself.

  "I tried to reach you on your cell phone but I kept getting your voicemail. I figured I'd try your home phone." I have to remember to charge my cell phone. "Which position is this?"

  "It's the corporate controller position at United Blue."

  "United Blue." I hesitate, remembering I didn't really want that job. They are paying less than what I'm making now and are only number seven in their industry. I've never settled for less than number one professionally. I can hear my father's wife criticizing me in my head. "Even with a degree from Yale she can't be the best, what a disappointment. Never was worth all the effort I put into her."

  "Are you still interested?" Denise asks.

  "I'm not sure. I'll have to get back to you."

  "What are your reservations?" She sounds alarmed. "You told me to send your resume there. They are very interested in you."

  "They are paying less than I'm making now."

  "Salary is always something that can be negotiated. They are very eager to meet with you. I've already set up a tentative interview."

  "What?" Now I'm vexed. "If I knew this was how you conducted business I would have never gotten in contact with you." I knew there was something wrong with this lady, the way she consistently bombarded me with emails for the past year didn't feel right. Why don't I follow my instincts?

  "How does next Tuesday at three sounds?"

  "I'm not going."

  "Leah, I apologize for not confirming with you first but this is a very important client. All you have to do is go meet with them. We'll cover all of you travel expenses...There's nothing else out there." Unfortunately, she has me on that point. It's not like I have any other options in this economy.

  "Tuesday at three sounds fine."

  She exhales loudly, releasing a lung full of air that I did not realize she was holding in. "Great. When you arrive ask for Rachel Schwartz in human resources. After speaking to Rachel for a few minutes you'll then interview with the CFO, Peter Boyd. He's a great guy. I'll send you a confirmation email with the address."

  "Fine."

  There's no way that I can take this job. How can I leave Deloitte, the top accounting firm, for the number seven company in the insurance industry? I'll do the interview. Denise didn't really leave me much of a choice, but there's no way that I can take this job.

  I'll have to use United Blue as practice. It won't hurt to get out of these four walls and be out of New York for a few days. I'll leave Friday night after work. There's so much to do: book a hotel room, get my hair done and research the company. A spark of excitement is making its way through me.

  "Job interview?" Carol asks. "Why are looking for a new job?"

  "Because I am. Now help me decide what to wear." She rolls herself off the bed belly first, and wobbles to the closet. Taking my brown pants suit off the rack she asks, "How about this?"

  "No, it's tight on my butt. Not good for an interview."

  "But you look hot in it. Besides this job is in Philadelphia there's no way you're leaving New York. You're too much of a chicken."

  "I'm Leaving Carol. I know you're going to miss me."

  She rolls her eyes. "As I was saying, since you're not going to leave Philly with a job you might at least try for a man."

  "You're lucky you're knocked up, you rude woman." Grabbing my two best power suits off the rack I place them in front of me side by side. "The navy blue or the black?"

  "The black," she answers after considering, and wobbles back to the bed. "And wear your hair down."

  I consider the suggestion. "No, wearing my hair up will look more professional."

  "You look hotter with it down, almost exotic. Just do it...Since Robert is temporarily out of the picture, you seriously need to catch yourself a man. Then you can trap him with a baby like Kari did," Carol laughs wickedly.

  "That's not funny. Don't talk about her like that. Don't judge her."

  "Ok fine. I'll stop being truthful. Tell me about this job, have you researched it or are you just going to wing it?"

  "It's an insurance company with about ninety billion dollars in annual revenue."

  "That's not horrible."

  "It's larger than I originally thought, but their financials appear off to me. Their revenue has doubled in the past five years since this Jacob Boyd has been CEO. Alth
ough most of the excess revenue is attributed to a subsidiary pharmaceutical company, there are a lot of red flags. For example -"

  "I told you that you're not going anywhere. You're already talking yourself out of the job."

  "And it pays ten thousand less than I'm making now."

  "Cost of living is less in PA."

  "I thought you didn't want me to move, but it seems like you're trying to talk me into it."

  "It's not that I don't want you to move I just don't think you have the guts to do it. My cousin Terry lives in Philadelphia and she loves it."

  Before walking out of the closet I place both suits back on the rack. "This is just a practice interview but the real one is going to come along and I'm going to leave New York, you'll see."

  "If you say so."

  "I do say so."

  "I won't hold my breath. I'm hungry. What do you have here to eat?" Before I can respond she rolls off the bed and wobbles towards the kitchen.