SHE
Great?
HE
Great.
SHE
Great is such a—word. You didn’t have them—
HE
Words—
SHE
HE
Children.
No.
SHE
Of course I know that. We did at least have two friends in common. Not many but enough to know whether you procreated. Not that I was keeping track. But you run into people. Occasionally.
HE
Right.
SHE
But of our two friends, one of them is now dead and the other’s in Berlin.
HE
Right.
Sad about—
SHE
Wasn’t it? I didn’t see you at the funeral.
HE
I sent flowers.
SHE
That was thoughtful. I mean given that you couldn’t come, or didn’t make the effort to come, it was nice you sent flowers. They were—pungent. As I remember.
HE
Mm.
You didn’t know I was—going to be in the play?
SHE
No. I didn’t ask. I haven’t worked—for a while. When they called, I said: yes. I didn’t ask: can I have approval over who’s playing my lover in New Haven? If you are an actress in this country you are either Juliet or Lady Macbeth and there’s nothing in between . . . So I think in the last ten years I’ve had two auditions, one for a maid on Broadway and one for an antidepressant commercial. I got the antidepressant commercial.
HE
Yeah, I saw it.
You were good.
SHE
Sure.
HE
I mean—you seemed depressed—and then you seemed happy.
SHE
Right.
So you didn’t know that I—
HE
No.
Are they playing some kind of fucking joke on us?
SHE
No one cares who I fucked during puberty. No one even wonders.
HE
It wasn’t exactly puberty.
SHE
Emotional puberty, maybe.
Enter the director, holding flowers, hearing the last two lines.
DIRECTOR
Right. You two know each other?
They nod.
SHE
Mmm.
DIRECTOR
Great. That’ll make things easier.
They all look at each other.
SHE
Flowers?
DIRECTOR
From your husband.
SHE
Oh! He remembered!
HE
Roses.
SHE
I like the small ones. I don’t like the big ones.
HE
I know.
The company enters.
DIRECTOR
Right. Welcome, welcome. Okay. I hate sitting around a table on the first day of rehearsal. This is the theater, after all! Why hide behind a table! Let’s just get on our feet immediately. Should we take it from the butler’s entrance?
SHE
Uh, can I have a script?
DIRECTOR
Oh sorry sorry. YES.
The director goes to get a script.
HE
My girlfriend won’t be overly pleased about this.
SHE
You have a girlfriend?
HE
Yes.
SHE
Are you in love?
HE
She’s a schoolteacher. She’s nice. So it probably won’t work out.
SHE
You could be nicer.
HE
You could mind your own fucking business.
SHE
Yes. Well. She could be meaner.
HE
That’s right. She could. That would be helpful, actually.
Suddenly a butler (Kevin) enters their conversation.
The director enters with She’s script.
KEVIN AS BUTLER
One whiskey sour for you, sir.
SHE
Sorry—page number?
HE
Seven—
(As Johnny, holding script) Why, thank you, Jenkins.
KEVIN
And then I exit? Is there a door?
DIRECTOR
Stage right.
The butler exits.
SHE AS ADA
(Script in hand) Get out! Get out before I kick you out!
HE AS JOHNNY
Ada, darling!
SHE
The telephone rings.
You want me to mime it?
DIRECTOR
For now.
SHE AS ADA
Yes, Millicent, the old cad is right here with me in fact.
She hangs up.
SHE AS ADA
Hide.
HE AS JOHNNY
No thanks! I don’t mind hiding in a bedroom but hiding in a library seems kind of dry.
A pause. They stand there.
SHE
Hide.
HE
(To her) So . . . where do you want me to hide?
They look at the director.
DIRECTOR
I realize that if we’re really going to do this you’ll need to feel located. We need to spike the furniture. Take ten! Duct tape! Where is the duct tape?! Where is the stage manager?!
She and He both pull out their cell phones.
He and She look at each other.
They look away.
Music and lights.
They look at each other.
SHE
HE
I’ve dreamed of you most
I’ve dreamed of you most nights
nights for the last twenty
for the last twenty years.
years. I dream I introduce
you to my child.
I dream you want to kill me and
that you’re trying to climb
I dream
through my windows. I’m
that you introduce me to
frightened.
your lover and I clasp her
hand and I like her.
I dream that you introduce me to
your lover and I hate him.
And then I kill her.
I dream that you’re married.
I dream that you’re dead.
I dream that you introduce me
to your child and she looks like me
and we play quietly by the sea.
I dream
that you teach me how to play
an instrument and it is calm.
I dream that I steal
I dream that I steal
your quilt, your childhood
your quilt, your childhood
quilt. And
quilt. And
it’s a terrible act of betrayal.
it’s a terrible act of betrayal.
Lights back to normal. They stare at each other.
Nothing was really spoken just now.
DIRECTOR
We’re back. We’re out of duct tape. So . . .
Here’s the divan, there’s the grandfather clock, there’s the balcony. Right.
HE
Where do you want me to hide?
DIRECTOR
Where do you feel like hiding?
HE
Wherever you want me to hide.
DIRECTOR
How about here. Behind the divan.
HE
Okay.
He hides behind an imaginary divan.
The husband enters, holding a script.
HUSBAND
Ada.
SHE AS ADA
Darling.
HUSBAND
The butler’s having a terrible row with the parlor maid.
SHE AS ADA
Oh, bother.
HUSBAND
Is Mrs. Sternhaven coming this evening?
SHE AS ADA
No. I told her I was too ill. Be a love and be sure the flowers are out in the entry hall, will you?
HUSBAND
Yes, my love.
She kisses him on the cheek.
The husband exits.
Then He pops out from behind the couch.
SHE AS ADA
You must leave.
HE AS JOHNNY
Oh, to hell with that! To hell with the past and the future!
They stand looking at each other and at their scripts.
DIRECTOR
And then you kiss.
HE/SHE
Right.
SHE
Today?
DIRECTOR
I like to get it out of the way—demystify it, you know.
HE
Uh—okay.
Where would you like that to happen?
DIRECTOR
What do you feel? Follow your instincts. The actor’s first instincts are gold. Gold.
They look at each other.
SHE
HE
Floor?
Grandfather clock?
DIRECTOR
Let’s try the balcony. Take it from: “Oh, to hell with that!”
HE AS JOHNNY
Oh, to hell with that! Kiss me.
HE
I don’t see how I get her to the balcony.
I could try a sort of . . .
He awkwardly moves her to the balcony.
SHE
I don’t see why he’s moving me, I could just as well move him.
Like this.
She moves him to the balcony.
HE
That feels awkward.
DIRECTOR
Why don’t you just stay on the divan.
HE/SHE
Fine.
DIRECTOR
Take it from . . . “Oh, to hell with that!”
HE AS JOHNNY
Oh, to hell with that! To hell with the past and the future!
They face each other.
They kiss, barely.
SHE
(To him under her breath) That was hostile.
HE
What?
SHE
(To him) Did you brush your teeth this morning?
(To the director) It’s weird on the divan.
He finds a mint, perhaps on the piano, and puts it in his mouth. She looks at him.
SHE
What if the fight is by the grandfather clock, and then we sort of do like this, and then the kiss ends up being by the window?
DIRECTOR
Try it.
SHE AS ADA
You must leave!
HE AS JOHNNY
To hell with the past and the future! To hell with all that!
They kiss.
SHE
I think it’s more of a—
They do another kind of kiss.
HE
Or I could sort of—
They do another kind of kiss.
SHE
There’s no transition into the kiss, what if I, I don’t know, slap him first?
DIRECTOR
Try it.
HE AS JOHNNY
To hell with the past and the future! To hell with all that!
She slaps him.
They kiss.
They look at the director expectantly.
DIRECTOR
I—uh—
SHE
(To him, as in: Did I hit you too hard?) Was that okay?
She slaps him again.
They do another kind of kiss.
This time a memory of their old life together enters the kiss.
SHE
(To the director) Which one did you like best?
DIRECTOR
Oh, I liked them all, I just—how did you feel?
SHE
HE
I liked the first one best.
I preferred the second.
DIRECTOR
Why don’t we sort of—bracket this—and move on to the next scene? The one where you tell your daughter you’re dying?
SHE
HE
Yes.
Great!
DIRECTOR
Sorry. First I’m going to pee. Five minutes everyone.
The director exits.
HE
Do you still smoke?
SHE
No. You?
HE
No.
SHE
No one smokes.
Pause.
HE
There’s nothing to do on break without smoking.
I could use a cigarette.
Someone in the cast must smoke.
(Yelling) Does anyone smoke?
SHE
No one smokes.
HE
You used to roll your own. As I remember.
SHE
Did I? I can’t remember.
They look at each other.
A pause.
HE
(Yelling to the cast) Does no one here smoke??
The director enters with the actress playing the daughter.
DIRECTOR
No, no one smokes. This is not the seventies.
(Gesturing to the daughter) Have you met?
SHE
You look like my daughter.
YOUNG ACTRESS
I’m actually twenty-three. People always cast me as like teenagers. It’s so annoying.
SHE
Mmm.
DIRECTOR
Let’s take it from: “Millie, your father and I want to have a chat.”
SHE AS ADA
Millie, your father and I want to have a chat.
MILLIE
What is it, Mummy?
SHE AS ADA
Well, dear—the thing is—
HUSBAND
Your mother is—
MILLIE
I’m a big girl, Daddy. You can tell me.
Enter Johnny Lowell.
HE AS JOHNNY
Could it be—?
SHE AS ADA
Yes. This is my daughter.
HE AS JOHNNY
But you’re the picture of your mother at seventeen!
SHE AS ADA
Darling, this is Johnny Lowell.
MILLIE
The famous sculptor?
SHE AS ADA
That’s right.
Millie squeals.
SHE AS ADA
I didn’t know you followed—sculpting.
MILLIE
Mother, I’m just back from Paris, everyone is talking about Johnny Lowell. But what were you saying about Mother?
HUSBAND
Nothing, darling. Why don’t you run along and—say, Johnny, could you do us a favor and take Millie out for the afternoon?
HE AS JOHNNY
Be glad to. What say we grab a hot dog from a street vendor and swing by the Met?
MILLIE
Oh hooray! I haven’t had a hot dog since I was about seven.
HUSBAND
(Handing him money for the afternoon) Thanks, Johnny.
HE AS JOHNNY
Wouldn’t hear of it, old man.
Johnny and Millie exit.
DIRECTOR
(Looking at She) The tone is really slippery, isn’t it. Hmm.
SHE
Are you looking at me when you say Hmm?
DIRECTOR
No, no, I’m just saying, Hmm.
SHE
Because I mean like vocally do you want me to do that weird mid-Atlantic thing, like: “I caaan’t bear cocktails,” I should be saying “caaan’t,” right, or “cuuuhnt”? But does that sound like— (Thinking the word cunt)
DIRECTOR
Uhh—
SHE
Or it could be more English like: “I can’t bear cocktails.”
DIRECTOR
Hmm.
SHE
You hate what I’m doi
ng.
DIRECTOR
No, no.
Awkward moment.
YOUNG ACTRESS
I think I have a wig fitting.
Do I have a wig fitting?
DIRECTOR
That’s right. Everyone has wig fittings. Let’s stop for the day. Thanks everyone. I don’t want to talk—too much. You were all brilliant today.
People disperse.
SHE
Oh my God.
HE
What?
SHE
He hates me.
HE
No.
SHE
Thanks. See you tomorrow.
HE
See you tomorrow.
Pause.
SHE
Do you still have my shirt?
HE
Which one?
SHE
The one with the—?
HE
Yes. Do you have mine?
SHE
Maybe. Say hi to the schoolteacher.
HE
Say hi to your husband.
SHE
Will do.
Scene 3—The Next Day
DIRECTOR
Your leading man is ill today. His understudy will rehearse with you.
SHE
Oh. What kind of illness does he have?
DIRECTOR
Stomach bug.
SHE
Oh, really.
Who is his understudy?
Kevin, the understudy, comes on.
KEVIN
Hi.
SHE
(To the director) I thought he was playing the butler.
DIRECTOR
He is. He’s also understudying Johnny. And the husband. He was my student when I was teaching Meisner? He’s really something.
KEVIN
I didn’t get a chance to say: I’m—a fan. A huge fan—that thing you did? Like ten years ago—whoa. That was incredible.
SHE
You saw that? Oh, thanks, you’re sweet.
DIRECTOR
Take it from: “Kiss me darling.”
KEVIN
What a strange job to kiss strangers in front of people and make it look like you know each other. Or kiss someone you know in front of people and make it look like a stranger.
SHE
Yeah. It is.
KEVIN
Where do you want me?
SHE
Just here.
Whenever you’re ready.
KEVIN AS JOHNNY
Kiss me darling.
They kiss. She stops.
SHE
Sorry—
KEVIN
What is it?
SHE
You’re making a little face before you kiss me, sort of like you’re going to eat me.