Brutal Precious, Page 3
Sara Wolf
“Jesus, boss,” Charlie sucks his teeth. “What the hell are we doing talking to feds?”
“I’m Vanessa Redgate,” the woman says. “Cyber Security Branch. We’re offering Mr. Callan a contract.”
“Outside of CIA approval, I assume?” I ask, and motion around. “Considering the unorthodox meeting area.”
Vanessa nods. “We are after a small, elite group of hackers who have been shuffling funds for the largest black market on the internet.”
“The Spice Road,” I say. Vanessa nods again.
“I’m impressed. I wasn’t aware Vortex agents excelled anywhere beyond their muscles.”
Gregory laughs and claps me on the shoulder. “Jack’s a special case. Please, continue.”
“Regardless, these hackers worked for the Spice Road. They call themselves The Gatekeepers. The CIA commissions board has unanimously decided against using third-party mercenaries –”
“Contractors,” Gregory interrupts, flashing a smile. “We prefer the term ‘contractors’.”
Vanessa eyes him warily, but corrects herself.
“- decided against using third-party contractors. But my supervisor, and a great number of agents within the project, have worked for years to trace the Gatekeepers. We finally have a lead, but the commissions board doesn’t want to risk deploying a team and spooking them into going to ground. Training special agents for this particular mission is just not cost-effective, and by the time we do train them, the lead may have already gone dry. ”
“So this is where we come in,” I say. She nods.
“We have strong evidence that two people closely connected to the Gatekeepers recently transferred into Ohio State College as Sophomores. The goal would be to maintain surveillance on these two without rousing suspicion. The ultimate goal would be to gather evidence, preferably hard copies and byte logs of their hacking activities, or their correspondences with the Gatekeepers themselves.”
“How long?” Charlie grunts. Vanessa raises an eyebrow at him.
“Excuse me?”
“How long would the contract last?”
“For as long as you can feasibly maintain your cover at the university.”
“So, indefinitely,” I say.
“Or until you gather what we decide is solid enough evidence to incriminate both of them, yes.”
I look to Gregory, who shrugs.
“You and Charlie are the best candidates for the job. You’re young enough to be in college. Hell, we can jimmie Charlie’s papers and make him a year younger. We’ll stick you in the same dorm room.”
“You’re asking us to sit on our asses and go to college with a bunch of privileged geeks for a year?” Charlie asks. “Are you kiddin’, boss? Do you know how boring –”
“The tuition would be paid. You would have to put up a show of attending class and maintaining decent enough grades to continue your enrollment,” Vanessa interrupts. “But your primary concern will be surveillance and secrecy. No one must know why you are there.”
“Two of the Gatekeepers are college students,” I muse. “Do you have names?”
“None that I can disclose in the open. We’ll send the dossiers along once the contracts have been signed and you two are in place.”
“And we gotta do this for a long-ass time?” Charlie protests. “Boss, I didn’t join to go back to college, I joined to stay out of it.”
“It’s the beginning of the school year. You’ll blend in fine.” Gregory says, a steely edge in his voice. “I know you two can do this. You especially, Charlie. You’ve got the charisma for it. You always have.”
“But I’d rather be with you, boss. Aramon –”
Gregory pulls Charlie’s arm, and motions for me to lean in.
“Aramon isn’t going anywhere. These Gatekeepers are. Listen, it might not seem hard, or very glamorous or exciting, but it’s a good, solid post, and it’ll pay well. The CIA will be paying, for shit’s sake. It’ll be good to have them in Vortex’s debt. Do you understand? We’d like very much for them to be in our debt, especially when we deal with Aramon in the future.”
Charlie’s eyes glint with slow realization. I fight the urge to roll mine.
“When would we leave, sir?” I ask. Gregory shrugs.
“As soon as possible, I’m guessing. I’ll forward you the details when I get them. All you have to do is agree to the contract.”
“I agree to it, sir,” I say. Charlie inhales, chest puffing.
“I-I’m down for it too, boss!” He says quickly, glaring at me. “I’m not gonna let batman fuck it up.”
“I have a name,” I drawl.
“Jack, right. Jackman. Jackoffman,” He corrects. The insults are so familiar they sting with a bitter sweetness, but I brush them off.
“Alright, enough playground antics.” Gregory straightens, and smiles at Vanessa, extending his hand. “My boys here say they’ll do it.”
“Fabulous.” She takes his hand and shakes it. “I’ll be in touch with the details. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
It only takes a second before she’s gone behind a Matson container. She moved so quick I could barely follow her stride. She must’ve had her exit planned minutes in advance. Charlie shivers a little.
“Goddamn government spooks.”
“She doesn’t seem so bad,” I say.
“Of course she doesn’t seem bad to you. You’re practically one of them already, all robotic and cutthroat. I’d bet you’d kill your girlfriend if the boss asked you to.”
My hand shoots out to his suit lapels before I can stop myself. The world becomes horrible white static again, blurring Charlie’s face, dulling Gregory’s assertive voice that tries to convince me to let him go. I shove him higher against the Matson container, the smell of dust and sweat and steel turning to ash in my nose. He’s just a snowglobe person. A puppet. I could crush him so easily, snuff his life out like I did that man that night by the lake, like I almost did to Leo, like I did with Sophia.
Because, after all, I let her die.
I killed her.
There is fear in Charlie’s brown eyes, and it’s the only thing that keeps the roar from consuming my brain. I shove him away, and stride back to the car. Gregory keeps up with me, motioning for me to roll down the driver window. I do reluctantly.
“Look at me,” Gregory says, voice suddenly dark and commanding. I reluctantly meet his gaze. “Are you going to be able to do this? Or do we need to revisit our training?”
My body flinches out of instinct, out of the physical memory from the training sessions with Gregory. The memory of blood oozing from my ears and staring up at broken wood buried deep beneath the ground, the smell of dirt and darkness in my nose. No. I never want to undergo that kind of training again.
“I have the beast under control, sir,” I say slowly.
Gregory stares at me, through me, and then nods and pats the hood of my car.
“Get packing, then. You’ve got college to attend.”
We return to the motel Gregory is paying for us to stay in – two twin beds, cockroaches in the microwave, possible years-old bloodstains on the wall, but better than sleeping in our cars. Better than the gravel he made me sleep on during training. Charlie grumbles obscenities and jumps in the shower immediately. I order Chinese and open my laptop. Gregory, ever punctual and eager to get started, forwarded us the dossiers. The two Gatekeeper’s faces stare out at me from their FBI files. One of them is tan, jockish, with a fair face and dark eyes like a cat’s. Kyle Morris. The other – good-looking, brown hair and a symmetrical face with eyes like frozen steel.
Will Cavanaugh.
-3-
3 Years
44 Weeks
2 Days
It seems to me old people really like to tell you to enjoy your life while you’re young. Said people are usually forty-nine hundred years old and drive Volvos. Not that there is anything wrong with Volvos. But there is definitely something wrong with being forty-nine hundred years old. This is pri
marily because having too much experience makes you boring and flat as week-old soda.
Exhibit A; Jack Adam Hunter.
Exhibit B: Immortal vampires, probably.
Exhibit C: Grandparents.
Except my grandma. My grandma is tremendous. I know this because when I was two months old she took me for a ride in the basket attached to her Harley Davidson. I’m slightly positive this experience full of wind and exhaust and bawling crafted me into the dashing heroine I am today. Mom and Dad sent her to an old people’s home, since I guess taking your infant granddaughter for a spin with your bike gang is the first sign of dementia or something. But now that I’m in Georgia we are reunited at last. There were tears. And snotty tissues. That lasted for roughly five minutes. Now there’s mostly a lot of insanity.
“I’m not one to question the validity of doing neat things,” I say as I hand Gran another fistful of fireworks. “But if I was the sort of person to do that, you know, someone really boring and lame and definitely not-me, my question would be along the lines of what the hell are we doing on this roof at four in the morning, question mark. At least four question marks go after that. And like, a very concerned emoji.”
Gran makes a tut-tut noise and stuffs the rest of the fireworks into the chimney’s mouth. There are so many I can’t see the dark brick inside anymore. We ran a fuse up through the chimney an hour ago, and now Gran ties it to the huge combined fuse of all the fireworks. She sits back on her heels and wipes wispy dyed green hair from her eyes, flashing a wicked grin at me.
“As Chairman of the Greeting and Farewell Committee of Silverlake Home for the Elderly, it’s my duty to give the girls and guys here a proper sendoff. None of this funeral procession, boring priest nonsense. Viola was a good woman, with a lot of love for life. She’d never want a dull send-off, but her kids are forcing that on her. Even after she’s dead!”
“The horror!” I gasp in sync with her.
“Exactly,” Gran points at me. Her eyes are my reddish brown, Dad’s reddish brown. “Horror. Horrible. The things people do these days to disrespect the dead are just awful. So we’re going to respect my dead friend properly.”
“By stuffing the chimney full of fireworks.”
“By stuffing the chimney full of fireworks!” She agrees. “When the nurse comes by in the morning and lights the fire, she’ll light this whole damn place up! Viola would’ve gotten a good laugh out of that.”
I smile and help Gran down the fire escape. She’s tall and in-shape for a seventy-year old, but she’s still thin, her wrists and fingers tiny. When we’re back on solid ground and walking across the lawn to her building, Gran throws an arm around my neck.
“What about your funeral, eh?” She asks.
“You mean the one that is never going to happen ever because I am going to gather the seven Dragonballs and wish for eternal life?”
She laughs. “Yeah, that one. What’d you want for it?”
I muse it over for all of six and a half seconds. “Makeouts. Naked dancing. Maybe a cake.”
Gran smirks at me as we walk up the white-washed stairs.
“What? What is it? Why are you giving me That One Look?”
“Oh, nothing. You’ve grown so much, is all. You said ‘makeout’ without turning five shades of purple.”
“Yes, well, now I am an extremely mature, responsible adult, and I can do things like discuss my trials and tribulations calmly.”
“Uh-huh,” Gran says expectantly.
“Such as making out. I did actually make out with someone.”
Gran waits.
“I mean, I punched him before I made out with him. But it was a mature punch.”
Gran laughs, full and loud. I point at her as she opens the door to her room and sits on her bed.
“Don’t you dare start naming stuff you want at your funeral. Because I know for a fact when old people say stuff it usually comes true and if you die I will be exceptionally bummed out.”
“It comes true because we’re wise, dear.”
“It comes true because you guys have freaky awesome brain powers that seem to do everything but grant you immortality. And teeth.”
Gran laughs, easing out of her slippers and lying back on the bed. “Come here.”
I muddle over to the bed and sit on it. She takes my hand and pets it, slowly, looking me right in the eyes.
“A lot of people in your life are going to tell you how they think you should live. Some might not say it outright at all. Some of them might just convince you without saying anything that you need to live a certain way.”
She looks out the dark window dotted with stars, smiles, and then looks back to me.
“Listen to me carefully, sweet girl. Don’t live any other way than the way that makes you happy. If you aren’t happy, leave your lover. If you aren’t happy, quit the job. If you aren’t happy, do more to make yourself happy. Because you are the only one who can make yourself happy.”
I open my mouth to argue, and she hushes me.
“I know. I know other things and other people will make you feel happy. But they won’t make you happy. That comes from you. That comes from your own heart. Letting happiness grow in you – that comes all from inside. Some people never learn that. Some people never let happiness in, or they let it in too late. Some people never let it in because they’re afraid. But that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. That’s punishing yourself. Lots of folks don’t even know they do it. So. I want you to know. I want you to try to be happy, for yourself.”
I feel my eyes watering, but I try to hold them back. If I cry now, I might never stop.
“There was a girl,” I say. “A-A friend. Sort of. She never – she never let it in.”
“And where is she now?” Gran asks patiently.
“She…” I tighten my grip on Gran’s hand. “She killed herself. And I was the last one – I w-was the last one to talk to her, Gran, and I –”
Gran’s strong, thin arms engulf me, the smell of cinnamon and musty linens wafting up from her.
“I could’ve – I should’ve seen it, I should’ve –”
“There was nothing you could’ve done.” Gran’s voice is iron.
“But I – I was with her, and I knew her, and I knew how sad she was –”
“She must have been very unhappy.”
“We all knew that! B-But…but we thought –”
“And what about now? Do you think she’s still unhappy?”
“She’s…dead.”
“Wherever she is now, she’s happier than when she was here.”
I pull away. “She’s not! She’s just dead. She can’t feel anything. If she…if she kept living, she could have the chance to be happy again, here, with everyone –”
Gran’s eyes are somber, but they glint.
“That sounds an awful lot like someone else telling a girl how to live her life.”
My mouth gapes with a retort, but I close it. Gran moves her arms and hugs me closer, drawing my head to her chest and I let her. It’s like coming home.
“Cry for her, sweet girl, not for what you did or didn’t do. And then get up. Find what makes you happy,” She murmurs. “And be happy. Life is too long to be so sad. I’m sure she’d want you to be happy.”
All of Sophia’s twisted, angry faces compound in my mind.
“I don’t think so,” I say.
“But you said she was your friend.”
“Yeah, but – I hurt her. I did things to hurt her.”
“On purpose?”
My breath catches before I can say yes. I mull over my kiss with Jack. Our war. The laughter and the righteous anger and the tender, soft moments. The memories sting, like lemon juice in a papercut.
“N-No. I was trying…to help?”
Gran raises a thin eyebrow. I shake my head.
“That’s how it was at first. I was trying to help Kayla. But then…but then I started to really like him. I was hurting Sophia by liking him. Ever
y second I liked him was more hurt to her. S-So. I take it back. I wasn’t trying to help. I was being selfish.”
“It sounds like you were trying to be happy with this boy.”
I scoff. “But that hurt her. Us, we hurt her a lot. I got between them. I – she probably felt like she had nothing left, with him moving on. So she…she...”
The white dress on the green lawn flashes in my mind. Sophia’s blue eyes, empty, her hair like a banner of cornsilk and moonlight, caked with blood where her head met the ground. The tiny silver bracelet that said Tallie glinting back at me.
She’d lost everything. And I took the last person in her life from her. I did it without even thinking, without even considering how it might hurt her. I just barreled ahead and did what I wanted to because I was selfish. Because I wanted to be happy.
Because I wanted love when I knew I didn’t deserve it.
And now, I’ll never deserve it.
I am the evil thing.
I am the darkest dragon who ate the saddest princess.
My thoughts are rudely interrupted by Gran’s finger flicking my forehead.
“I can hear the cogs in your brain turning. Don’t go down that road. That’s arrogant. You think too much of yourself, and your effect on people. If she went and killed herself she did it because her life was miserable, and she’d thought about it for ages, not because you did one little thing.”
“But I contributed. I –”
Gran leans back in her bed and huffs, pulling the cover over her. “I’m not gonna argue with you when you’re all wrapped up in self-pity, you hear? Come back when you’re thinking clearly. I wanna talk to my granddaughter, not a silly martyr who’s trying to take all the blame.”
I go quiet. Gran must realize how rare an occasion this is, because she sighs.
“I’m sorry, kiddo. I know it’s hard. But you’re making it harder on yourself.” She leans up and kisses me on the cheek. “Come back at nine. The nurse lights the fire then.”
A small, grim smile tugs at my lips.
The drive home is all dark roads and a pale, gold-white gibbous moon hammocking the horizon. The same color as Sophia’s hair. I hear her voice clearly in my head.
“I’m Vanessa Redgate,” the woman says. “Cyber Security Branch. We’re offering Mr. Callan a contract.”
“Outside of CIA approval, I assume?” I ask, and motion around. “Considering the unorthodox meeting area.”
Vanessa nods. “We are after a small, elite group of hackers who have been shuffling funds for the largest black market on the internet.”
“The Spice Road,” I say. Vanessa nods again.
“I’m impressed. I wasn’t aware Vortex agents excelled anywhere beyond their muscles.”
Gregory laughs and claps me on the shoulder. “Jack’s a special case. Please, continue.”
“Regardless, these hackers worked for the Spice Road. They call themselves The Gatekeepers. The CIA commissions board has unanimously decided against using third-party mercenaries –”
“Contractors,” Gregory interrupts, flashing a smile. “We prefer the term ‘contractors’.”
Vanessa eyes him warily, but corrects herself.
“- decided against using third-party contractors. But my supervisor, and a great number of agents within the project, have worked for years to trace the Gatekeepers. We finally have a lead, but the commissions board doesn’t want to risk deploying a team and spooking them into going to ground. Training special agents for this particular mission is just not cost-effective, and by the time we do train them, the lead may have already gone dry. ”
“So this is where we come in,” I say. She nods.
“We have strong evidence that two people closely connected to the Gatekeepers recently transferred into Ohio State College as Sophomores. The goal would be to maintain surveillance on these two without rousing suspicion. The ultimate goal would be to gather evidence, preferably hard copies and byte logs of their hacking activities, or their correspondences with the Gatekeepers themselves.”
“How long?” Charlie grunts. Vanessa raises an eyebrow at him.
“Excuse me?”
“How long would the contract last?”
“For as long as you can feasibly maintain your cover at the university.”
“So, indefinitely,” I say.
“Or until you gather what we decide is solid enough evidence to incriminate both of them, yes.”
I look to Gregory, who shrugs.
“You and Charlie are the best candidates for the job. You’re young enough to be in college. Hell, we can jimmie Charlie’s papers and make him a year younger. We’ll stick you in the same dorm room.”
“You’re asking us to sit on our asses and go to college with a bunch of privileged geeks for a year?” Charlie asks. “Are you kiddin’, boss? Do you know how boring –”
“The tuition would be paid. You would have to put up a show of attending class and maintaining decent enough grades to continue your enrollment,” Vanessa interrupts. “But your primary concern will be surveillance and secrecy. No one must know why you are there.”
“Two of the Gatekeepers are college students,” I muse. “Do you have names?”
“None that I can disclose in the open. We’ll send the dossiers along once the contracts have been signed and you two are in place.”
“And we gotta do this for a long-ass time?” Charlie protests. “Boss, I didn’t join to go back to college, I joined to stay out of it.”
“It’s the beginning of the school year. You’ll blend in fine.” Gregory says, a steely edge in his voice. “I know you two can do this. You especially, Charlie. You’ve got the charisma for it. You always have.”
“But I’d rather be with you, boss. Aramon –”
Gregory pulls Charlie’s arm, and motions for me to lean in.
“Aramon isn’t going anywhere. These Gatekeepers are. Listen, it might not seem hard, or very glamorous or exciting, but it’s a good, solid post, and it’ll pay well. The CIA will be paying, for shit’s sake. It’ll be good to have them in Vortex’s debt. Do you understand? We’d like very much for them to be in our debt, especially when we deal with Aramon in the future.”
Charlie’s eyes glint with slow realization. I fight the urge to roll mine.
“When would we leave, sir?” I ask. Gregory shrugs.
“As soon as possible, I’m guessing. I’ll forward you the details when I get them. All you have to do is agree to the contract.”
“I agree to it, sir,” I say. Charlie inhales, chest puffing.
“I-I’m down for it too, boss!” He says quickly, glaring at me. “I’m not gonna let batman fuck it up.”
“I have a name,” I drawl.
“Jack, right. Jackman. Jackoffman,” He corrects. The insults are so familiar they sting with a bitter sweetness, but I brush them off.
“Alright, enough playground antics.” Gregory straightens, and smiles at Vanessa, extending his hand. “My boys here say they’ll do it.”
“Fabulous.” She takes his hand and shakes it. “I’ll be in touch with the details. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
It only takes a second before she’s gone behind a Matson container. She moved so quick I could barely follow her stride. She must’ve had her exit planned minutes in advance. Charlie shivers a little.
“Goddamn government spooks.”
“She doesn’t seem so bad,” I say.
“Of course she doesn’t seem bad to you. You’re practically one of them already, all robotic and cutthroat. I’d bet you’d kill your girlfriend if the boss asked you to.”
My hand shoots out to his suit lapels before I can stop myself. The world becomes horrible white static again, blurring Charlie’s face, dulling Gregory’s assertive voice that tries to convince me to let him go. I shove him higher against the Matson container, the smell of dust and sweat and steel turning to ash in my nose. He’s just a snowglobe person. A puppet. I could crush him so easily, snuff his life out like I did that man that night by the lake, like I almost did to Leo, like I did with Sophia.
Because, after all, I let her die.
I killed her.
There is fear in Charlie’s brown eyes, and it’s the only thing that keeps the roar from consuming my brain. I shove him away, and stride back to the car. Gregory keeps up with me, motioning for me to roll down the driver window. I do reluctantly.
“Look at me,” Gregory says, voice suddenly dark and commanding. I reluctantly meet his gaze. “Are you going to be able to do this? Or do we need to revisit our training?”
My body flinches out of instinct, out of the physical memory from the training sessions with Gregory. The memory of blood oozing from my ears and staring up at broken wood buried deep beneath the ground, the smell of dirt and darkness in my nose. No. I never want to undergo that kind of training again.
“I have the beast under control, sir,” I say slowly.
Gregory stares at me, through me, and then nods and pats the hood of my car.
“Get packing, then. You’ve got college to attend.”
We return to the motel Gregory is paying for us to stay in – two twin beds, cockroaches in the microwave, possible years-old bloodstains on the wall, but better than sleeping in our cars. Better than the gravel he made me sleep on during training. Charlie grumbles obscenities and jumps in the shower immediately. I order Chinese and open my laptop. Gregory, ever punctual and eager to get started, forwarded us the dossiers. The two Gatekeeper’s faces stare out at me from their FBI files. One of them is tan, jockish, with a fair face and dark eyes like a cat’s. Kyle Morris. The other – good-looking, brown hair and a symmetrical face with eyes like frozen steel.
Will Cavanaugh.
-3-
3 Years
44 Weeks
2 Days
It seems to me old people really like to tell you to enjoy your life while you’re young. Said people are usually forty-nine hundred years old and drive Volvos. Not that there is anything wrong with Volvos. But there is definitely something wrong with being forty-nine hundred years old. This is pri
marily because having too much experience makes you boring and flat as week-old soda.
Exhibit A; Jack Adam Hunter.
Exhibit B: Immortal vampires, probably.
Exhibit C: Grandparents.
Except my grandma. My grandma is tremendous. I know this because when I was two months old she took me for a ride in the basket attached to her Harley Davidson. I’m slightly positive this experience full of wind and exhaust and bawling crafted me into the dashing heroine I am today. Mom and Dad sent her to an old people’s home, since I guess taking your infant granddaughter for a spin with your bike gang is the first sign of dementia or something. But now that I’m in Georgia we are reunited at last. There were tears. And snotty tissues. That lasted for roughly five minutes. Now there’s mostly a lot of insanity.
“I’m not one to question the validity of doing neat things,” I say as I hand Gran another fistful of fireworks. “But if I was the sort of person to do that, you know, someone really boring and lame and definitely not-me, my question would be along the lines of what the hell are we doing on this roof at four in the morning, question mark. At least four question marks go after that. And like, a very concerned emoji.”
Gran makes a tut-tut noise and stuffs the rest of the fireworks into the chimney’s mouth. There are so many I can’t see the dark brick inside anymore. We ran a fuse up through the chimney an hour ago, and now Gran ties it to the huge combined fuse of all the fireworks. She sits back on her heels and wipes wispy dyed green hair from her eyes, flashing a wicked grin at me.
“As Chairman of the Greeting and Farewell Committee of Silverlake Home for the Elderly, it’s my duty to give the girls and guys here a proper sendoff. None of this funeral procession, boring priest nonsense. Viola was a good woman, with a lot of love for life. She’d never want a dull send-off, but her kids are forcing that on her. Even after she’s dead!”
“The horror!” I gasp in sync with her.
“Exactly,” Gran points at me. Her eyes are my reddish brown, Dad’s reddish brown. “Horror. Horrible. The things people do these days to disrespect the dead are just awful. So we’re going to respect my dead friend properly.”
“By stuffing the chimney full of fireworks.”
“By stuffing the chimney full of fireworks!” She agrees. “When the nurse comes by in the morning and lights the fire, she’ll light this whole damn place up! Viola would’ve gotten a good laugh out of that.”
I smile and help Gran down the fire escape. She’s tall and in-shape for a seventy-year old, but she’s still thin, her wrists and fingers tiny. When we’re back on solid ground and walking across the lawn to her building, Gran throws an arm around my neck.
“What about your funeral, eh?” She asks.
“You mean the one that is never going to happen ever because I am going to gather the seven Dragonballs and wish for eternal life?”
She laughs. “Yeah, that one. What’d you want for it?”
I muse it over for all of six and a half seconds. “Makeouts. Naked dancing. Maybe a cake.”
Gran smirks at me as we walk up the white-washed stairs.
“What? What is it? Why are you giving me That One Look?”
“Oh, nothing. You’ve grown so much, is all. You said ‘makeout’ without turning five shades of purple.”
“Yes, well, now I am an extremely mature, responsible adult, and I can do things like discuss my trials and tribulations calmly.”
“Uh-huh,” Gran says expectantly.
“Such as making out. I did actually make out with someone.”
Gran waits.
“I mean, I punched him before I made out with him. But it was a mature punch.”
Gran laughs, full and loud. I point at her as she opens the door to her room and sits on her bed.
“Don’t you dare start naming stuff you want at your funeral. Because I know for a fact when old people say stuff it usually comes true and if you die I will be exceptionally bummed out.”
“It comes true because we’re wise, dear.”
“It comes true because you guys have freaky awesome brain powers that seem to do everything but grant you immortality. And teeth.”
Gran laughs, easing out of her slippers and lying back on the bed. “Come here.”
I muddle over to the bed and sit on it. She takes my hand and pets it, slowly, looking me right in the eyes.
“A lot of people in your life are going to tell you how they think you should live. Some might not say it outright at all. Some of them might just convince you without saying anything that you need to live a certain way.”
She looks out the dark window dotted with stars, smiles, and then looks back to me.
“Listen to me carefully, sweet girl. Don’t live any other way than the way that makes you happy. If you aren’t happy, leave your lover. If you aren’t happy, quit the job. If you aren’t happy, do more to make yourself happy. Because you are the only one who can make yourself happy.”
I open my mouth to argue, and she hushes me.
“I know. I know other things and other people will make you feel happy. But they won’t make you happy. That comes from you. That comes from your own heart. Letting happiness grow in you – that comes all from inside. Some people never learn that. Some people never let happiness in, or they let it in too late. Some people never let it in because they’re afraid. But that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. That’s punishing yourself. Lots of folks don’t even know they do it. So. I want you to know. I want you to try to be happy, for yourself.”
I feel my eyes watering, but I try to hold them back. If I cry now, I might never stop.
“There was a girl,” I say. “A-A friend. Sort of. She never – she never let it in.”
“And where is she now?” Gran asks patiently.
“She…” I tighten my grip on Gran’s hand. “She killed herself. And I was the last one – I w-was the last one to talk to her, Gran, and I –”
Gran’s strong, thin arms engulf me, the smell of cinnamon and musty linens wafting up from her.
“I could’ve – I should’ve seen it, I should’ve –”
“There was nothing you could’ve done.” Gran’s voice is iron.
“But I – I was with her, and I knew her, and I knew how sad she was –”
“She must have been very unhappy.”
“We all knew that! B-But…but we thought –”
“And what about now? Do you think she’s still unhappy?”
“She’s…dead.”
“Wherever she is now, she’s happier than when she was here.”
I pull away. “She’s not! She’s just dead. She can’t feel anything. If she…if she kept living, she could have the chance to be happy again, here, with everyone –”
Gran’s eyes are somber, but they glint.
“That sounds an awful lot like someone else telling a girl how to live her life.”
My mouth gapes with a retort, but I close it. Gran moves her arms and hugs me closer, drawing my head to her chest and I let her. It’s like coming home.
“Cry for her, sweet girl, not for what you did or didn’t do. And then get up. Find what makes you happy,” She murmurs. “And be happy. Life is too long to be so sad. I’m sure she’d want you to be happy.”
All of Sophia’s twisted, angry faces compound in my mind.
“I don’t think so,” I say.
“But you said she was your friend.”
“Yeah, but – I hurt her. I did things to hurt her.”
“On purpose?”
My breath catches before I can say yes. I mull over my kiss with Jack. Our war. The laughter and the righteous anger and the tender, soft moments. The memories sting, like lemon juice in a papercut.
“N-No. I was trying…to help?”
Gran raises a thin eyebrow. I shake my head.
“That’s how it was at first. I was trying to help Kayla. But then…but then I started to really like him. I was hurting Sophia by liking him. Ever
y second I liked him was more hurt to her. S-So. I take it back. I wasn’t trying to help. I was being selfish.”
“It sounds like you were trying to be happy with this boy.”
I scoff. “But that hurt her. Us, we hurt her a lot. I got between them. I – she probably felt like she had nothing left, with him moving on. So she…she...”
The white dress on the green lawn flashes in my mind. Sophia’s blue eyes, empty, her hair like a banner of cornsilk and moonlight, caked with blood where her head met the ground. The tiny silver bracelet that said Tallie glinting back at me.
She’d lost everything. And I took the last person in her life from her. I did it without even thinking, without even considering how it might hurt her. I just barreled ahead and did what I wanted to because I was selfish. Because I wanted to be happy.
Because I wanted love when I knew I didn’t deserve it.
And now, I’ll never deserve it.
I am the evil thing.
I am the darkest dragon who ate the saddest princess.
My thoughts are rudely interrupted by Gran’s finger flicking my forehead.
“I can hear the cogs in your brain turning. Don’t go down that road. That’s arrogant. You think too much of yourself, and your effect on people. If she went and killed herself she did it because her life was miserable, and she’d thought about it for ages, not because you did one little thing.”
“But I contributed. I –”
Gran leans back in her bed and huffs, pulling the cover over her. “I’m not gonna argue with you when you’re all wrapped up in self-pity, you hear? Come back when you’re thinking clearly. I wanna talk to my granddaughter, not a silly martyr who’s trying to take all the blame.”
I go quiet. Gran must realize how rare an occasion this is, because she sighs.
“I’m sorry, kiddo. I know it’s hard. But you’re making it harder on yourself.” She leans up and kisses me on the cheek. “Come back at nine. The nurse lights the fire then.”
A small, grim smile tugs at my lips.
The drive home is all dark roads and a pale, gold-white gibbous moon hammocking the horizon. The same color as Sophia’s hair. I hear her voice clearly in my head.
