Expenditures of the Heart



  EXPENDITURES

  OF

  THE

  HEART

  Roger Dale Trexler

  First Printing — December 2011

  Cover Illustration by my son,

  Darrien James Trexler,

  now 9 1/2 years old, drawn when he was 8 1/2 years old.

  ©2011 Roger Dale Trexler.

  All Rights Reserved.

  A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF THIS VOLUME

  I was diggng around on my desk the other day and realized I had a few too many loose poems laying around. I oftentimes write them on scrap pieces of paper and throw them on my desk for later use. Such is the case with these poems.

  Merry Christmas, everyone. May 2012 be a prosperous and loving one for us all.

  Roger Dale Trexler

  12/18/11

  EXPENDITURES OF THE HEART

  I paid for it with my heart

  a price no bank could touch

  no lottery could pay

  no friend could offer a loan

  paid back

  with interest

  It was a payment of the soul

  an expenditure of the heart

  made over time

  with no dividends

  returned.

  RELEASE

  Trapped

  in the beauty

  of the moment

  a glare in her

  eyes

  revealing

  the mysteries

  that lay within

  the scent of her

  flesh

  as I have only

  imagined

  —it smells like freedom

  and release.

  MY CHRISTMAS

  Who needs Christmas

  when I have you

  your smile

  your warmth

  your love

  —a gift

  that lasts

  all year long.

  A BLANKET OF LEAVES

  A blanket of leaves

  covers the ground

  hiding

  obscuring

  the remnants of my love

  nestled

  in the cool, dry earth

  beneath a multi-colored fabric

  supplied by God

  and time

  and hate, or what passes for it

  covering

  hiding

  enveloping

  the love that I once knew

  in the spring

  before Autumn

  took hold.

  GO AWAY BLUES

  I don’t want summer

  to be over

  I don’t want to feel

  cold

  or know the darkness

  that winter brings

  I want to feel the sunlight

  on my face

  the joy

  of my children playing

  the sight of a woman

  in her summer clothes

  but, the wind whispers

  winter

  with each passing day

  and,

  soon,

  though I do not wish it to

  Summer

  will go away.

  WORTHY

  In twilight

  I roam

  with no place

  to call home

  and no one

  to answer the door

  with a loving smile

  and open arms

  when I arrive

  —a simple touch

  to make the journey

  worthwhile.

  ASSHOLES

  The walls close in

  sometimes

  they mock you

  laugh

  find it funny

  that you are alone

  The walls

  can be assholes

  sometimes.

  MITTENS

  My kitten’s

  lovely mittens

  glitter on

  each paw

  one is silver

  and one is gold

  and,

  as she runs about

  the house

  my kitten’s

  lovely mittens

  never grow old.

  IN ABSENTIA

  In absentia

  I mourn

  the death

  of your love

  if ever you did

  love me

  —perhaps,

  that too,

  was absent

  all the while.

  CHILD-LIKE

  Oh, to be child-like again

  fresh from the womb

  to see the world

  through open eyes

  agog with wonder

  every day

  an adventure

  every moment

  a joy

  to be cradled

  in comforting arms

  —a love

  unconditional

  and complete,

  why,

  I wonder,

  do we surrender

  our inner child?

  what does adulthood

  have to offer

  in return?

  ON THE MORROW

  Part 2

  On the morrow

  I will love her

  as much as today

  I could not

  make it go away

  as she has

  nor would I try

  and, though her love for me

  was a lie

  I will still love her

  on the morrow,

  but I will not cry

  because

  she lied.

  MODERN DAY LOVE

  Deleted your number

  from my cellphone

  gave another girl

  your special ringtone

  on the Internet

  we’ve broken ties

  Facebook, Myspace and Twitter

  no longer tell your lies

  I deleted you

  with the flick of a switch

  goodbye,

  see ya later,

  my Internet _ _ _ _ _.

  PHOENIX

  Rising from the ashes

  I soar

  into the lonely sky

  looking down on you

  and wondering why

  the fire that burned

  passed us by

  I thought our love

  could know no bounds

  till you proved

  the fire of love

  could be extinguished

  without a sound

  And, now, I am reborn

  The Phoenix

  rising from the ashes

  of your Hell.

  COCOON

  In this

  cocoon

  I store

  all the memories

  that brought

  me joy

  —my girls

  —my boy

  —the love of my life

  or, so I thought

  when I took a wife

  oh, how I prayed

  that it was so

  but, it was not

  Yet, I will store

  the love

  I had for her

  there

  in my cocoon

  alongside all

  the beauty

  I have known

  in my life.

  YOUR GHOST

  Your ghost

  sat beside me

  Your ghost

  laid beside me

  in the place

  where you used to

  lay

  Your ghost

  spoke to me

  saying the things

  you used to say
br />   Memories are the most

  I can expect now

  that you are a ghost.

  UNFINISHED SONG — “Let Me In”

  Baby,

  I’ve been drinkin’

  I know it’s late

  and we ended

  with such hard words

  I didn’t mean

  to make you feel this way

  (Chorus)

  If you let me in

  I will make it a night

  to remember

  If we kiss again

  it will seem like

  the first time.....

  UNFINISHED SONG —

  “Loving You Is Like Pissing in a River”

  (chorus)

  Pissing in a river

  and I don’t know why

  pissing in a river

  send the stream so high

  Pissing in a river

  you shouldn’t have lied

  and there is no need

  to smile so wide

  Your love is like my urine

  mixed with the muddy water.....

  ODE TO A “HO”

  (written as a “Beatnik” poem...imagine a smooth bassline playing along.)

  The sun in the sky

  is so high

  why?

  It makes me wanna cry

  when you lie

  the fields are green

  with toasted almonds

  and cheetahs run wild

  at the nature preserve

  kick the can

  to the curb

  it’s all so groovy

  Your Momma’s got a lot of nerve

  birthing a thing like you

  and she must be proud

  knowing that you suck so loud

  and the sky is like

  a tinsel tree

  shimmering down on me

  But then, you always were a sucker

  a lover and a fucker

  hell bent on Armageddon

  no wonder the sky is so blue

  God cut a fart

  and he thought of you

  or maybe he shat his pants

  clinching off a tight one

  that got by, anyway

  I’m not for sure

  You’re kinda like AIDS

  there is no cure

  and the grass turns brown

  when you come around

  you keep it fresh

  with Clorox bleach

  at least the regions

  you can reach

  for the rest

  steel wool

  keeps it cool

  and rough

  —just the way you like it

  or, at least, you said you did

  till you had kids

  then the fire went out

  vacated, like your spleen

  on EX-LAX

  and that’s the facts

  you need to know

  that,

  and don’t eat

  the yellow snow.

  IN THE RUINS

  In the ruins of beauty

  a beauty I thought was mine

  I saw

  the remnants of a love

  I thought was undying,

  now, dead and decaying

  a heart

  cast upon the rocks

  abandoned and torn

  like an old photograph

  of happy days

  when I used to lay

  in her arms

  and dream

  that nothing

  could tear us apart

  What a simple conceit

  absolute and complete

  a tiny web

  a spider spun

  to catch its prey

  its dreams

  of happy days

  undone

  The ruins

  remind me

  that there was something

  something better

  or so I thought

  before

  before she went away

  I gaze upon the ruins

  but,

  try as I might

  I can not recall

  what it looked like

  when it was whole

  I know there was love there

  before

  but, now, the damage is done

  and the ruins that extend

  to the horizon of my heart

  tell me

  that love

  is no more.

  CHILDLIKE

  Version 2

  Oh, to be child-like again,

  fresh from the womb

  unscathed

  by this life

  to see the world

  through eyes

  open with wonder

  every day

  an adventure

  an exploration

  and, every night,

  a dream

  Oh, to feel cradled

  in comforting arms

  the world, outside

  a million miles away

  and I lay

  with you

  feel your heartbeat

  feel your love

  feel you

  —at all.

  THE GOLDEN CARROT

  (a child’s poem)

  Captain Jack O’Rabbit

  and his valiant crew

  that numbered thirty-one (adults)

  and two (children)

  were on the quest

  for which they’d sworn

  to find the golden carrot

  the greatest carrot

  ever born

  With his first mate,

  Harry the hare,

  at his side

  Captain Jack and his crew

  searched far and wide

  left to right

  and to and fro

  every cranny and every nook

  there was no place

  they would not look

  no place they would not go

  For, the golden carrot

  they all were told

  had magical powers

  and glowed

  They searched by land

  and searched by sea

  they looked everywhere

  they thought, and thought not

  it might be

  until they’d sailed the world

  and walked from sea to sea

  there was no place they did not look

  but, the golden carrot they did not see

  Until one day

  they stopped to rest

  and lo and behold

  from the ground grew a carrot

  the largest they ever did see

  so they dug and they dug

  and pulled and pulled

  until they pulled the carrot free

  but, it was only a carrot

  though gigantic in size

  they opened their noses

  and closed their eyes

  the delicious scent

  was something they knew

  so they bit the carrot

  and started to chew

  the magic was there

  after all

  as their bellies did fill

  they knew they had found

  the golden carrot

  the greatest ever born

  growing out of the ground

  for the gold was in the nourishment

  their bodies did feel

  and they would

  for a long time

  because a thousand golden carrot stalks

  covered the hill.

  LIGHT MY WAY

  In this darkness

  that never ends

  I look for her

  my truest friend

  a woman who can light

  the way

  drive away the gray

  and brighten my day

  Where are you?

  I can not see

  and, I fear, the darkness

  that never ends

  will consume me.


  GONER

  She left

  out

  gone

  scadoodled

  hit the road

  didn’t let the door

  hit her in the ass

  on the way out

  who’da thunk it

  she had half a brain

  after all.

  THE ROAD

  In the distance

  between heartbeats

  I saw you

  your eyes

  glistening with a fire

  a desire

  for things unknown

  and I wished

  for nothing else

  than to be alone

  with you

  as we walk

  together

  down that road.