Rodney Ohebsion, Liberal Hero, Page 2

Sarah Palin: President of the United States

  Imagine a world with no wars, no crime, and no financial problems whatsoever. Now imagine Sarah Palin shooting that world with a rifle. But wait. She’s not done. That was day one. She has 1460 to go. None of which are known as Earth Day anymore. Why? Because Sarah Palin shot that, too. And she replaced it with a holiday commemorating Reagan’s removal of Carter’s White House solar panels.

  And we’re still on day one.

  Making Sarah Palin President would be like giving her a magic gun with an unlimited number of bullets. Even if we come to our senses and begin impeachment proceedings the second she’s elected, it’ll still take a while to actually get rid of her. Best case scenario: she’s only in office a few weeks, and she ends up destroying the universe—aside from a 100 square mile area on a planet 900 zillion light years away.

  George W. Bush was about to do that in 2008—but Obama came in and prevented us from all dying.

  All conservative presidents were on the verge of killing us all before being replaced with liberal heroes like Clinton, Carter, and LBJ. Those guys prevented at least a hundred world wars and great depressions that conservatives were on the verge of causing. On Obama’s first day, he prevented “World War 3: Brought to you by George W. Bush.” And on his second day, he prevented “The Great Depression 2: Also Brought to You by George W. Bush.”

  And yet, America keeps on electing conservatives, even after getting it right with guys like Jimmy Carter and FDR. And the government is allowing FOX News to argue that liberals aren’t perfect, and conservatives aren’t the scum of the earth.

  Best Buy Asked to See My Receipt

  I went to Best Buy the other day—and after I paid for an item and began making my way out of the store, those assholes tried to check my receipt and look inside my bag! Granted, I knew they were going to do that before I walked into the store. In fact, that’s the reason I went there in the first place. I usually just buy things online—but I decided to just go to a freedoms-restricting Best Buy, because THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHECK MY RECEIPT. There’s no way I’m going to let that happen. No way, bro!

  So I bought the least expensive item I could find in the store (although it really doesn’t matter, because I’m going to return it and use the money to buy something else and repeat the whole process), and then I spotted some completely out of control employees checking the other customers’ receipts and bags as they tried to exit the store. And that’s when I yelled out, “YOU’RE NOT CHECKING MY RECEIPT! &$%# YOU!” And believe it or not, those lunatics had the audacity to actually look at me while I was yelling—as if I were doing something wrong. I wasn’t. I was standing up for my rights. I was standing up for everyone’s rights. Gandhi did that while back, and I basically did the same thing that day.

  So I headed towards the doors with absolutely no intention of letting those bastards see a thing. I knew that something crazy was about to go down—or that if something crazy wasn’t about to go down, I’d make it go down. I mean, the entire drive down there, I was looking forward to something crazy going down—and I wasn’t about to waste an entire hour just driving down to Best Buy, buying something, and not going through something crazy.

  I spotted three employees looking at me. Two of them looked like they were just content with making their $9.25 an hour and calling it a day—but one of them was clearly looking for some action. He had this crazy look in his eye—and I knew that he was my man. I knew I was about to go hardcore Gandhi on him, and that at least one of us would be headed to jail and/or the hospital.

  “Sir,” he said. “We’re going to have to check your receipt. Just show me your receipt, and stop being such a dickwad.” I simultaneously called the police and charged that asshole at full speed—and to make a long story short, we both ended up in jail with minor injuries, and we did about $1400 damage to the Best Buy store—most of which occurred when I slammed him onto a top of the line Tivo. But he got fired, and I didn’t have a job to begin with.

  I’m going to have a tough time going back there, though. I received a lifetime ban from the store, and my picture is all over the place. They did the same thing to Gandhi. They did the same thing to Gandhi.

  George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People?

  A while back, Kanye West remarked that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”—a statement that is completely ridiculous, irrational, misleading, and corrupting. Why? Because it implies that he cares about people who aren’t black, when in fact, conservatives don’t care about anyone! There isn’t so much as a single conservative who actually gives a crap about others—and views like those of Kanye West make it seem like conservatism is compatible with some sort of human feelings.

  We’re talking about people who beat their own wives and kids, and people who attacked the twin towers just for the sake of a little oil money.

  George Bush doesn’t care about black people? No. It’s not just George Bush, and it’s not just black people ALL CONSERVATIVES HATE ALL PEOPLE—ESPECIALLY BLACK PEOPLE.

  That’s the one thing in life I’m sure about. Aside from the fact that there is no God. And abortions are 100% ethical. And Arrested Development shouldn’t have been cancelled.

  Actually, I’m 100% sure about everything.

  Al Gore Is Not a Hypocrite

  I can’t believe there are so many deluded conservatives calling Al Gore a hypocrite merely because he travels in a private jet! Are you kidding me!

  What those lunatics fail to take into account is that Al Gore is a liberal hero! He’s worth trillions of conservative assholes (—as is every other single liberal on the planet). If anything, Al should be flying around in a caravan of space shuttles—but he takes a private jet instead, simply because he cares so much about the environment. Now that’s what I call setting a good example.

  Obama’s One Lie

  George Washington told nothing but lies throughout his life. He even lied about the cherry tree. He didn’t chop it down, but he was such a hardcore BSer that he just couldn’t tell the truth. (And he hated homosexuals.)

  He and all of the other founding fathers were a bunch of lying capitalist bastards. If it weren’t for them, we’d all be living in a socialist paradise.

  Barack Obama, on the other hand, has told a grand total of one lie so far. And what’s that lie? “I’m a Christian.”

  If there’s one thing in life I’m sure about (aside from the fact that God doesn’t exist, conservatives are racist, being against Israel isn’t anti-Semitism, marijuana cures everything, Glenn Beck is a murderer, and all of the other things I’m sure about), it’s this: Barack Hussein Obama is an atheist. (And George W. Bush is a terrorist.)

  How am I so sure? 1. He’s sane. No religious people are sane (except for Muslims). 2. He hasn’t destroyed the country. All religious heads of states make things worse (except for Muslims. And Obama’s definitely not a Muslim. After all, he said he wasn’t a Muslim. And Obama doesn’t lie. Except for the one lie about being a Christian.)

  Everything That Airports Do Should Be Illegal

  I’ve never actually flown anywhere before—but I go to the airport at least three times a week, and those assholes never fail to piss me off.

  Check my bags!? They want to check my bags?! What the hell, man! Who are they to check my bags? I don’t care if my luggage has Che Guevara and Kim Jong Il stickers all over it. If anything, airport security should be more suspicious of anything that doesn’t have those stickers.

  But going through my bags isn’t nearly as bad as making me walk through a metal detector and patting me down. I mean, the fact that I’m wearing a Death to America T-shirt should tell them that I’m not a threat. After all, Americans are the real terrorists.

  The nonsense I have to go through at the airport is completely absurd.

  And the actual plane rides are even worse. Again, I’ve never actually been on a plane—but the lack of leg room is ridiculous. If I ever manage to actually make it onto a plane
(which is very unlikely considering how I usually don’t even make it as far as the airport itself), you can bet your ass that I’ll let every member of the crew know that we deserve more room!

  In fact, I call and email a bunch of random flight attendants, plots, and airline executives regularly and let them know how pissed I am. I also let my congressman know about it every few weeks. Although there’s usually so much I need to tell him, that I sometimes don’t get to the airport and airplane stuff. (I’ll tell you this: my congressman is really earning his paycheck. He’s lucky he represents a concerned and active citizen like me.)

  My Muslim Neighbor is Friendly

  My Muslim neighbor John (yes his name is John. Believe it or not, Muslim people have names other than Muhammad and Osama) is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life. And yet, some of you are still going around calling certain people Islamic terrorists. By calling a terrorist an Islamic terrorist, you’re implying that my Muslim neighbor isn’t friendly. What the hell, man?!

  Roger Ebert?

  I can’t believe Roger Ebert has the nerve to praise movies I hate and criticize movies I love. What is with that guy? Doesn’t he know that my tastes form the absolute and universal standard of what’s good and bad?

  I went through a list of some of his ridiculous movie ratings, and his average rating is 1.3 stars away from the correct one (—in other words, my rating.) 1.3 stars! Someone giving every movie a 2 will be about as accurate as that. And the two stars guy will never be more than two stars off. Ebert, on the other hand, sometimes gets it completely wrong.

  In other words, Ebert’s life’s work should be replaced with a piece of paper that says the number 2. Someone please take down his website and replace it with just a 2.

  Not only is the 2 a better movie critic than Ebert, it’s not nearly as arrogant. I can’t stand seeing that asshole with an expression on his face that says “I’m right.” &*$% you, Ebert. You think you’re right? You think you’re right? If you’re so right, then how come you don’t agree with me?

  All movie critics are wrong. And why? Because they don’t agree with me 100% of the time. I went through some of Gene Shalit’s ratings, and that asshole also got most of them wrong.

  In fact, no one managed to beat the 2. Not a single critic.

  I’m a Lot Like Kamau Kambon

  I was going through some videos, biographies, and interviews of Dr. Kamau Kambon the other day, and I quickly discovered that I’m a lot like him:

  “I neither fancy myself as a leader nor a hero.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, recipient of the 1999 Independent Weekly Citizen’s Award

  Just like Dr. Kambon, I’m so humble that I regard myself as neither a leader nor a hero, even though I’m definitely both.

  “I pay my entire share of taxes and never evade paying taxes.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, former New England high school social studies and geography teacher

  I do the same thing—except instead of paying taxes, I collect unemployment. In other words, we’re both financially involved with the government.

  “I am merely reporting the historical facts and the facts speak for themselves. Anything that I have said is verifiable and anyone can go and look up the same information, if they want to become an educated person.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, creator of the Juvenile Intervention and Enlightenment Program

  Just like Dr. Kambon, I know damn well that all of my opinions are the Gospel, that they are not subject to dispute, and anyone who disagrees with me is uneducated.

  “I am Afrikan, and see myself connected to Afrikans all over the world.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, owner of Blacknificent Books

  I also see myself connected to Afrikans all over the world. And I also spell Africans Afrikans.

  “I am happily married to the same Afrikan woman for almost three decades and I have never had an illicit affair outside of my marriage.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, author of Food Health and You: Why Black People Die So Young

  I’m obviously not married to that same Afrikan woman—but I’ve been subscribed to Jet Magazine for the last 10 years. Does that count?

  “I have not celebrated a european holiday since around 1970” Dr. Kamau Kambon, author of Tips on Quick and Easy Ways Afrikans Can Commit Subtle Suicide

  I can top that. I don’t even bother with the european calendar. March 3rd my ass. It’s day 62.

  “I do not want to be killed by the government or any white or Black person—or any other person for that matter—who does not like what I have had to say.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, author of Black Guerrilla Warfare in amerika: a Peoples’ Manual and Manifesto on Resistance and Survival

  I agree—except I also want the government to kill anyone who doesn’t like what I have to say.

  Oh—and like Dr. Kambon, I capitalize the B in Black, but not the w in white. Except I capitalize the entire word BLACK, and I always follow “white” with “devil.” Even when I’m talking about crayons. “white devil crayons are used forty percent less than BLACK crayons.”

  “Over the course of my life, I have never intentionally physically harmed anyone, and am polite, express good manners, generally quiet with not much to say and do not hate anyone.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, nonsmoker and Master of the Universe

  If by “anyone ,” he meant “anyone who has never offended me or pissed me off ,” then I’m just like Dr. Kambau.

  “[White people] have retina scans, they have what they call racial profiling, DNA banks, and they’re monitoring our people to try to prevent the one person from coming up with the one idea. And the one idea is, how we are going to exterminate white people, because that in my estimation is the only conclusion I have come to. We have to exterminate white people off the face of the planet to solve this problem.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, liberal hero

  Being that I’m white (—notwithstanding my connection to Afrikans—), I don’t agree with him 100% here—but substitute “white people” with “white conservatives,” and I’m on board.

  “White people want to kill us. I want you to understand that. They want to kill you. They want to kill you because that is part of their plan.” Dr. Kamau Kambon, my best friend

  They do. Except for white liberals.