CHLOE
I come out of the bedroom
JEREMY
Good morning, my sweet love.
CHLOE
Hi.
I’m barely opening my mouth
But trying hard not to be obvious about it
JEREMY
Here. A nice coffee.
CHLOE
Thanks.
JEREMY
She kisses my neck
And honestly
That
Is what life’s all about
CHLOE
Do I smile when I’m sleeping?
JEREMY
Here.
CHLOE
He gives me a drawing
Of me
Of me smiling in my sleep
BRIDGET
I wake up
Sprawled on the bed
My mouth stinks
It makes me laugh
To smell myself
I get up
Open the curtains
Make a nice cup of coffee
Just the way I like it
JEREMY
What are we going to do today?
CHLOE
Don’t know yet. We could just take it easy?
JEREMY
No no. Then, you get down because we haven’t done anything. Shall we go for a walk around the park? You feel good when you get some exercise.
BRIDGET
The silence in my apartment feels so damn good
CHLOE
Okay. But then let’s go see a movie.
BRIDGET
Saturday, I love to read the paper in peace
Take it easy
Go to the market
JEREMY
Deal.
CHLOE
And I get to pick.
JEREMY
Another one of your chick flicks.
CHLOE
You picked the first thing we’re doing! You’re never happy.
JEREMY
You pick the movie, bunny.
CHLOE
No, you.
JEREMY
No, you.
CHLOE
You.
JEREMY
You.
CHLOE
Then we fall into each other’s arms
Laughing
Tickle fight!
BRIDGET
Most of all
What I really love is
Fooling around in my bed
Trust me when I say I know how to give myself pleasure
JEREMY
Tickle fight!
CHLOE
Wait, wait.
JEREMY
What?
CHLOE
I love you.
JEREMY
I look at my watch
Bunny, we’ve been together for sixteen hours already. Shall we celebrate?
CHLOE
How?
JEREMY
Close your eyes.
CHLOE
I close my eyes
JEREMY
Did you close your eyes?
CHLOE
I’ve closed my eyes
He takes my hand
Leads me to the bedroom
Makes love to me
JEREMY
I love you, too.
BRIDGET
Around noon
I head
Outside
I walk
I breathe
I go where I want
Watch the boats at the docks
Visit museums
Drink coffee in coffee shops
And the magical part
Is that for once
I’m not worried my brother will be there when I get home
Trying to kill himself
No I mean
Honestly
Suicide
Ya know
It really gets on my nerves
JEREMY
Am I going to have to throw out all my photos of my exes now that I’m with you?
CHLOE
Have you had a lot of girlfriends?
JEREMY
. . .
CHLOE
Answer me.
JEREMY
. . .
CHLOE
What’s that silence supposed to mean?
JEREMY
So you’re going to throw a jealous fit this morning, is that it? We were doing great and then bam! You have to spoil it with your damn questions.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
Anyway, you’re the one I love now.
CHLOE
You’re my first real relationship. I’ve had flings with guys. One-night stands. But not. I mean. They were hot and everything, those guys. But not.
JEREMY
Thank you, I don’t need to know the gory details of all the guys you’ve slept with.
CHLOE
You’re my favourite.
JEREMY
Me too.
BRIDGET
You don’t believe me, do you?
You think I’m deluding myself
Just scabbing over the incurable wound of singlehood
Like everyone else
You tell yourself no one could want that
Like my mother
You think I have a neurotic fear of abandonment
Or like my father
You tell yourself I’m a closeted lesbian
Like my friends
You’re making a list of guys to introduce me to
Uh-uh
No
CHLOE
I don’t want it to happen to me ever again.
JEREMY
What?
CHLOE
To not have you in my life.
BRIDGET
I don’t want it to happen to me
XII
CHLOE
The first month is good
It’s like
Really
Just
Wow!
My girlfriends still call me
But I’m less and less interested in seeing them
I only call them back when Jeremy and I’ve had a fight
The rest of the time
I’m too happy
JEREMY
Tonight, I’m going to give you a massage.
CHLOE
Oh! Yes yes yes.
JEREMY
I bought some oil.
CHLOE
You’re too good to me.
JEREMY
Because you’re too beautiful.
CHLOE
You think I’m beautiful? Really?
JEREMY
So beautiful.
CHLOE
Well you’re handsome.
JEREMY
Hockey?
I’m not that into it anymore
Or only if Chloe’s there to watch it with me
But it’s not really her thing
We’d rather drink a bottle of good wine
And tell each other about our day
CHLOE
We really get along
JEREMY
Take a look in the living room, there’s a surprise for you!
CHLOE
Honey! Thank you.
JEREMY
We really get along great
CHLOE
I love you.
JEREMY
I love you.
CHLO
E
Me more.
JEREMY
No, me.
CHLOE
We have plans
JEREMY
We should open a restaurant.
CHLOE
Then we could put your paintings on the wall.
JEREMY
Then we could have theme nights.
CHLOE
Jim Morrison nights.
JEREMY
Special couples’ nights.
CHLOE
“I love you I love you I love you” nights.
BRIDGET
There are times when I miss Jeremy
Before
He used to come over all the time
Sad
Not sad
Happy
Not happy
He was there
But now . . .
At least I know someone is making love to him
And making him dinner
As for me
As for me
JEREMY
We should call my sister.
CHLOE
Not tonight.
JEREMY
You’re right.
CHLOE
Just the two of us.
BRIDGET
As for me
I have lots of friends who make sure
I have a good time
CHLOE
But you know
Jeremy still insists on fighting twice a week
No more
He thinks it’s healthy
Lets us work out our differences instead of letting things build up
Doesn’t matter what it’s about
We’re pretty impulsive as couples go
JEREMY
We need to buy dish soap.
CHLOE
I don’t have time to go today.
JEREMY
What do you mean, you don’t have time? Am I supposed to have time? Why do you always have the monopoly on not having any time! Are you trying to tell me I don’t have a life? You think you have a life, Little Miss I-Am-A-Waitress?
CHLOE
Hey! Jesus! Could you stop talking to me like I just spat in your face?
JEREMY
Perfect harmony
My soulmate, at last
Did you have a good day?
CHLOE
Yeah, but it felt like you were so far away.
JEREMY
Come here and let me hold you. We’ll fix that.
BRIDGET
I have lots of friends
Who make sure
I get by
CHLOE
Right now you’re in our bedroom
JEREMY
Our bedroom is a beautiful room
There are lovely wooden shutters on the windows
You say to yourself
What a lovely couple beside the wooden shutters on the windows
CHLOE
On the walls
There are frames
With photos in them
Us in a museum
Us at a restaurant
Us in bed in the morning
JEREMY
Seeing the unmade bed
You can tell we made love last night
CHLOE
Us in the park
Us at the corner store
Us at a hotel
JEREMY
Things are good
Between us
CHLOE
Things are good
Between us
JEREMY
But once in a while
CHLOE
But once in a while
I tell myself this can’t actually last
That it’s too weird
That it’s got to end
I mean come on
It can’t be him
It can’t be like this
JEREMY
Once in a while
I think of myself
Before
The death wish is gone
No more ropes
No more razors
And I weep with joy
CHLOE
No
It can’t be true
XIII
BRIDGET
I’m sitting at my desk
My high heels tapping the floor impatiently
I’m reading and rereading some files
Some clients are dissatisfied with their colour after using our
tanning beds
Other are very pleased with their new brow line
Chloe comes in
Chloe?
CHLOE
I need to talk to you.
BRIDGET
Our appointment is next week.
CHLOE
Whatever, but this is, you know, now.
BRIDGET
Jeremy’s well?
CHLOE
Yeah.
BRIDGET
Threatening suicide?
CHLOE
No.
BRIDGET
Your relationship is going well?
CHLOE
Yeah yeah.
BRIDGET
Well then!
CHLOE
I’m the one who’s not doing too well.
BRIDGET
Who?
CHLOE
Me!
BRIDGET
And yet you sure have the smile of a girl who’s satisfied . . . If you know what I mean.
CHLOE
I’m satisfied, it’s not that.
BRIDGET
What is it?
CHLOE
I can’t do this.
BRIDGET
Do what? Be in love?
CHLOE
Look, it’s too, it’s too—
BRIDGET
Too?
CHLOE
Too perfect.
Uh-huh?
CHLOE
He can always tell exactly what I need. He makes love to me tenderly. He respects me. He even gives me space. He lets me yell at him when I need to, but he still knows when to draw the line. He wants to know my dreams. He’s pushing me to leave my waitressing job and go back to university. When I’m jealous he makes me feel secure. When I’m hurting he doesn’t get annoyed. See what I mean?
BRIDGET
. . .
CHLOE
Nothing?
BRIDGET
. . .
CHLOE
Nothing. Great!
BRIDGET
Chloe, Chloe, Chloe . . .
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
See, this is why you’re unhappy. Because even when happiness is staring you right in that pretty face of yours, you think it’s a trap. And that is the trap. Your trap.
CHLOE
Maybe.
BRIDGET
Yes.
CHLOE
But—
BRIDGET
No, Chloe. There’s no “but.” Life doesn’t have to be made of “but.”
CHLOE
You’re right.
BRIDGET
Great. Anything else?
CHLOE
No.
BRIDGET
Anyway, you signed a contract.
CHLOE
That’s not why I’m going to stay with him.
BRIDGET
I know.
CHLOE
I choose to be with him.
BRI
DGET
I know.
CHLOE
I could break your shitty little contract if I wanted to.
BRIDGET
I know.
The worst part is, she’s right
It’s so badly written it’s a joke
On top of which
It’s not even legal
I wrote it at the last minute
It’s copied from some British play
What can I say
I see a lot of theatre
CHLOE
You didn’t win.
BRIDGET
I know, Chloe. You win. Jeremy wins. I don’t win anything.
CHLOE
Okay then.
BRIDGET
Is that it?
CHLOE
Just so we’re clear.
BRIDGET
Have a nice day.
CHLOE
Sure.
BRIDGET
One last thing.
CHLOE
What?
BRIDGET
You may be a good girlfriend, but as a sister-in-law, meh.
CHLOE
What do you mean?
BRIDGET
You should ask me over for dinner.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Make me feel appreciated.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
It was my birthday last week and not even a phone call from the two of you.
CHLOE
I—
BRIDGET
No, no. It’s fine. But think about it. Jeremy would be very pleased if you took the lead on this.
CHLOE
I’ll do what I want.
BRIDGET
It’s important to include the family in your happiness. Love is about that, too. Otherwise, what happens when you have kids? There’ll be no one around to help you.
CHLOE
Well, see ya.
BRIDGET
You too.
CHLOE
Sorry about your birthday.
BRIDGET
Oh, don’t worry about it.
She walks out of my office
I look out the window smiling
I think of all my girlfriends who bought me shooters on my birthday
I think of the guy I slept with the night before last
Without having to call him back
I think of the running monologue I kept up
Last night
While making french fries and hot chocolate for dinner
I think of the ugly panties I’m wearing
Without shame
I think of the telephone I’m not waiting by
The jealousy I’m not feeling
I think of the fights I’ll never have
I think of the weight I can put on and take off without anyone noticing
I think of the trips I can take
The bedtime I can choose
The books I can read
The films I can watch
The bars I can go to
The friends I can call
The place I can keep as tidy as I want
You know what
92% of people need to be two to be happy
As for me
I am so happy