Dork Diaries Book 9: Tales From a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen, Page 2

  “Where did THAT come from?”

  “My teacher!” she replied. “She’s letting ME babysit the class goldfish, Rover, for the entire weekend! We’re gonna do lots of fun stuff together since we’re best friends!”

  All I could do was shake my head.

  “Well, I think you need to be more careful with him. And more responsible. You could’ve cracked the fishbowl!”

  “Responsible? What does that mean?” she asked.

  “Let’s see . . . how do I explain this in Nick Jr. terms?” I tapped my chin in thought. “I’ll use Mom as an example. Mom feeds you, drives you to school, takes care of you when you’re sick, and makes sure that you’re always safe. That’s called being responsible.”

  “Oh! NOW I understand. So, I need to be Rover’s mommy!” she said eagerly.

  “Yeah, something like that,” I said. “Take him to your room and read him a story. I don’t want any more water on my homework.”

  “Okeydokey!” she replied, and picked up her fishbowl. “Rover, your mommy is taking you to see her bedroom!”

  I was glad she had that fish, because I figured it would keep her occupied and out of my hair.

  But fifteen minutes later she came bouncing back into my room.

  “Where’s Rover?” I asked her.

  “He’s taking a bubble bath,” she answered.

  “WHAT?! Did you say BUBBLE BATH?!” I shrieked.

  “Yep. He smelled really fishy, so I thought I’d give him a nice, warm bubble bath! That’s what Mommy would do, right?”

  “Brianna, are you serious?! Rover’s a FISH! He’s SUPPOSED to smell really fishy!”

  “Well, he DOESN’T smell fishy anymore! Come take a sniff! I gotta go finish his bubble bath now. And dry him with your hair dryer. Bye!”

  Oh . . . CRUD! I slammed my book shut and sighed. So much for homework!

  I rushed down the hall and then peeked into the bathroom to check on poor Rover.

  And, sure enough, it was just as I had feared.

  He was covered in soap suds and bubbles and FLOATING in the bathroom sink!

  Brianna was busy adding even more water. . . .

  BRIANNA, GIVING HER GOLDFISH A BUBBLE BATH!

  “OMG! You really gave your goldfish a bubble bath? Are you crazy?!” I exclaimed. “Brianna, you cooked the darn thing!!”

  “What are you talking about? Rover’s really having fun. See how relaxed he is?”

  Brianna stuck the dead fish right in my face. That’s when I threw up in my mouth a little.

  “He’s FAR from relaxed!” I told Brianna. “He’s not moving because he’s . . . DEAD!”

  “I’m his mommy, not you! And I say he’s sleeping! So there!” she said, sticking her tongue out at me.

  But when she asked me if Rover could borrow MY toothbrush so they could brush their teeth together at bedtime, I’d heard enough!

  Obviously, something had to be done. If I let her learn the truth on her own, she’d probably need therapy for the rest of her life. Then again, Dad wasn’t exactly the expert on topics like this. He’d probably just flush poor Rover down the toilet, which would be even more traumatizing to Brianna. I decided to talk to Mom about the dead fish situation tomorrow evening, as soon as she returned home from her visit with my grandma.

  Sometimes having a NUTTY little sister is really challenging!! !!

  SATURDAY, APRIL 5

  “Mom, do you know about Brianna’s goldfish, Rover?” I asked.

  “Yes, I do! And I think he’ll teach her a lot about responsibility,” she answered with a smile.

  “Well, last night he was doing a back float in the bathroom sink,” I exclaimed. “In a bubble bath!”

  Mom let out a deep sigh and rubbed her temples.

  “Brianna, Brianna, Brianna . . . ,” she muttered in exhaustion. “What am I going to do with that child?”

  “Mom, she didn’t believe me when I told her Rover was dead. She loves that fish like it’s her own baby! She’s going to be traumatized when she finally figures out she cooked him in a bubble bath.”

  I remember when I had a goldfish at her age. His name was Mr. Fish-n-Chips.

  All the kids in my class brought their pets to show-and-tell, so I wanted to do the same.

  I put Mr. Fish-n-Chips in a box with holes in it so he could breathe, and carried him to school.

  Well, you can imagine what I discovered when I opened up that box for show-and-tell!

  “I know it’s going to be sad when Brianna learns the truth. I wish there was another option,” Mom said, shaking her head.

  Suddenly her eyes lit up.

  “I have an idea! And if we hurry, we can get there before they close at nine p.m.!”

  I looked at the clock and back at her in confusion. It was 8:43 p.m.

  Normally, she’d be nagging me to finish my homework and get ready for bed.

  “I don’t get it! WHERE are we going?” I asked.

  “Hurry!” she exclaimed as she grabbed her coat. “I’ll explain everything in the car on the way.”

  MOM, ABOUT TO TAKE ME ON A MYSTERY ROAD TRIP!

  We jumped into the car and she floored it.

  “Um, MOM, can you . . . SLOW DOWN?!!”

  “I can’t! We only have ten minutes before they close!” she yelled back.

  The rest of the ride was a blur.

  Before I knew it, we were parked in the middle of an empty Pets-N-Stuff parking lot. As we were getting out of the car, we saw a store clerk locking the doors.

  “Oh. No. They. Didn’t!” Mom yelled. “We still have a good six minutes left to shop! They can’t close early!”

  She jumped out of the car and stormed up to the Pets-N-Stuff door. I scurried after her.

  Inside, an employee was sweeping the floor. He saw us standing there but completely ignored us. Then he rolled his eyes and turned his back to us.

  “HEY!!” Mom banged her fist on the glass door. “YOU DON’T CLOSE TILL NINE! WE STILL HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO SHOP! OPEN UP!!”

  ME AND MY MOM, TRYING TO BREAK INTO A CLOSED STORE!!

  The dude looked totally annoyed. He muttered some stuff that I was probably glad I couldn’t hear and kept sweeping.

  So Mom just kept pounding on the glass door. I was praying that it wouldn’t break and shatter into a million pieces! Finally, the guy dropped the broom, unlocked the door, and poked his head out, scowling angrily.

  “When the doors are locked, that’s a hint for customers to get lost!” he snapped at Mom. “We’re closed, lady! Deal with it!”

  He was about to slam the door shut, but Mom stuck her foot in the way.

  “Listen here!” she growled, waving her finger in his face. “We have a dead goldfish emergency at home, so I am NOT in a very good mood! Now, YOU’RE going to let us in so we can buy a new one, because I am NOT doing another fish funeral! Do you have any idea how traumatic a fish funeral is for a child? WELL? DO YOU?!”

  “N-no, ma’am!” the guy stuttered nervously, his eyes as big as saucers.

  He must’ve thought we had just broken out of a mental hospital or something!

  “That’s right! You DON’T know!” Mom continued. “So let us in! Or so help me, I’ll go straight to Pets-N-Stuff national headquarters to complain about how horrific your customer service is! Do I make myself clear, young man?”

  “VERY clear, ma’am!” he said, with a fake smile plastered across his face. “Please come in!”

  “Hmph!” Mom stuck her nose in the air and walked into the store like she owned the place. I scrambled after her.

  I have to admit, it was kind of fun watching her tell off that jerk-of-a-clerk!

  We searched all the aquariums for Rover’s identical twin, but no luck.

  Then, just as we were about to give up, I spotted a fish the exact same size and orangey color as Rover hiding behind a small castle.

  ME AND THE NEW GOLDFISH, GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER!

  Mom and I were so happy to have finall
y found our fish that we gave each other a high five.

  While she was at the checkout counter paying for the brand-new Rover, I noticed a poster for a contest to win dog food near the front door.

  Of course I immediately thought of the Fuzzy Friends Animal Rescue Center, where Brandon volunteers! A free one-year supply of dog food could really help out the center. And, who knows, I might just win!

  Any money saved on food expenses would mean additional dollars that Brandon could use to care for even MORE homeless animals. That would make him SO happy! A big smile spread across my face just thinking about him.

  I suddenly realized just how much our friendship meant to me. So I decided to text him a huge apology as soon as I got back to the car.

  I filled out the little card with Brandon’s name and address, kissed it for good luck, and then dropped it into the big box with the rest of the entries.

  I was standing at the front door, waiting for my mom, when I noticed a SUPERcute guy walk out of the shop next door, listening to his tunes. Only, it wasn’t just ANY SUPERcute guy. . . .

  IT WAS BRANDON?!!

  And he had a PIZZA!

  But it wasn’t just ANY pizza!

  It was a QUEASY CHEESY TAKEOUT pizza !!

  I gasped and stared in disbelief with my face pressed against the door.

  Then I screamed, “NOOOOOOO!!!”

  Only, I just said it inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  As I watched Brandon disappear around the corner, I felt like my heart had dropped into my sneakers and splattered all over the floor.

  Okay, NOW I was starting to worry that the rumor WAS true!

  Which also meant I had to ask myself a very difficult and potentially heartbreaking QUESTION about that KISS. . . .

  Were Chloe and Zoey going to be so ANGRY at Brandon that they’d THREATEN to give him a BEATDOWN like they did at the Sweetheart Dance back in February??!!!

  OMG! That fiasco was CRAY-CRAY! Especially when Chloe totally lost it and went all Karate Kid in her fancy ball gown! Of course I was also DYING to know the answers to a few other questions. Had Brandon:

  1. kissed me on a DARE just to get a free pizza, as MacKenzie had alleged?

  2. kissed me only because he wanted to help raise money for charity to help the needy children of the world?

  Or

  3. kissed me because he considered me MORE than just a good friend?

  Suddenly I felt SO confused!

  It was quite obvious that I didn’t know Brandon as well as I thought I did.

  Anyway, by the time my mom and I finally made it back home, Brianna was fast asleep.

  We tiptoed into Brianna’s room and made the swap.

  And as we were leaving, I could see the new Rover happily swimming around in circles.

  Mission. Accomplished!!

  By then I was so exhausted by the whole Brandon drama that I went straight to bed.

  But I just lay awake, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out what went wrong in our relationship.

  Then I got up and started writing in my diary.

  Suddenly it made perfect sense why Brandon had been so defensive on Thursday and seemingly eager to back off and give me some space.

  It was probably his GUILTY conscience!

  Or maybe he just wanted to start hanging out with MacKenzie.

  Which is perfectly fine with me! MISS DIVA and MR. DARE totally deserve each other!!

  Right now I’m so OVER Brandon!

  I wouldn’t care if he took a bite of his stupid pizza and CHOKED on a PEPPERONI!

  I just want OFF this crazy emotional roller coaster!

  !!

  SUNDAY, APRIL 6

  Brianna snuck into my room while I was sleeping.

  “BOO!” she shouted into my ear, and giggled.

  “Good morning, Brianna,” I answered without flinching (after the hundredth time, it doesn’t even scare me anymore). “Why don’t you go somewhere and pick your nose so I can sleep?”

  “Rover wanted to say hi!” she said, holding the fishbowl up to my face. “He finally woke up from his nap! See?”

  The new Rover was STILL happily swimming around in circles. Thank goodness!

  “And he still smells nice and clean from his bath!” she chirped. “You wanna sniff?”

  “No! What I WANT is for you and Rover to get out of my room. Please!” I grumped, and threw my blanket over my head.

  “We’re gonna play dolls and watch TV. And then I’m gonna feed Rover a yummy breakfast!”

  When Brianna said “breakfast,” I assumed she’d be feeding him FISH FOOD! NOT . . .

  PRINCESS SUGAR PLUM CEREAL!!

  OMG! I was SO disgusted with Brianna!

  Mom and I could be sitting in jail for practically breaking and entering a closed pet store.

  All because Brianna didn’t know how to take care of her stupid fish!

  But one thing was clear! We needed to get poor Rover back to school before Brianna KILLED him. AGAIN!

  Mom called Brianna’s teacher to apologize and let her know that we had to replace the goldfish.

  But apparently, not even the Rover that Brianna had brought home was the original Rover.

  Her teacher explained that, unfortunately, other children before Brianna had also had similar “accidents.”

  Which meant the Rover we’d just bought was actually Rover the Ninth!

  I was really shocked and surprised to hear that news.

  Mom and I both agreed that Brianna was nowhere near ready for a real, live pet goldfish yet.

  Although, I could always buy some of those Goldfish snack crackers and dump them in the fishbowl with a little bubble bath.

  As long as they floated upside down on their backs (like the original Rover), Brianna would NEVER know the difference!

  Anyway, since she has to return Rover to her classroom tomorrow, she’s decided she wants to buy a pet fish with arms so it can play dolls and bake chocolate cupcakes with her.

  I was like, “Sorry, Brianna! But fish DON’T have arms!”

  But she said, “Uh-huh, they do! I saw one on the Internet and I’m already saving my allowance!” . . .

  BRIANNA’S PET FISH WITH ARMS (ALSO KNOWN AS A MERMAID)

  Well, one thing is for sure!

  If Brianna gives her NEW pet fish with arms a bubble bath and feeds her Princess Sugar Plum Cereal like she did with Rover, things could get a whole lot MESSIER really fast! I’m just sayin’ . . . !!

  With all the Rover drama, I completely forgot to mention the MOST important thing that happened today!!

  I got frantic texts from both Chloe and Zoey about a crazy rumor they’d just heard about ME that involved Brandon, a pizza, and a kiss !!

  Of course I told them EVERYTHING. They both rushed over to my house and we talked for what seemed like hours.

  Now I’m feeling a lot better. Maybe my life isn’t a bottomless pit of despair after all!

  Chloe and Zoey are the BEST friends EVER!! I don’t know what I’d do without them! !!

  MONDAY, APRIL 7

  It was another typical day in gym class. The exercises were pointless, the CCP kids were slacking off, and the gym teacher was yelling at them.

  I was still fuming about the Brandon situation.

  “I CAN’T believe it! It’s like I’ve been bought and sold for a cruddy pizza!” I ranted.

  Since it was still a bit too chilly to play tennis outside, we practiced inside by hitting tennis balls against the gym wall.

  It was actually very therapeutic for me since I needed something to help burn off all the negative energy I had pent up inside.

  To put it bluntly, I was so TICKED OFF, I wanted to SMACK something!

  But on a more positive note, my BFFs and I looked SUPERcute in our chic tennis outfits. . . .

  ME AND MY BFFS, CHATTING AND HITTING TENNIS BALLS IN OUR CUTE-N-CHIC OUTFITS!

  “I thought Brandon was a really nice guy. But I didn’t really know
him at all!” I fumed.

  “Nikki, just calm down!” Zoey said. “I know it looks like the rumor might be true. But maybe Brandon bought the pizza with his allowance?”

  “Really? What IDIOT would spend a dime on a cruddy Queasy Cheesy pizza?” I shot back.

  “A really HUNGRY idiot?” Chloe answered. “I got a great deal on a shrimp pizza there last week.”

  “But he said he owes me an apology, so that must mean the rumor is true! And WHY did he just walk away when I was trying to talk to him?” I asked.

  “I’m pretty sure it was probably because you were screaming at him about RUINING your life,” Zoey replied. “But I could be wrong.”

  “Maybe he walked away to go look for a rock. You DID tell him to go SLITHER back under a rock, right?” Chloe quipped.

  “Okay, I’ll admit it. That part was MY fault! I just wish I knew for sure if all the stuff MacKenzie said about a DARE is true!” I said, and whacked my ball even harder. “Because now I’ll NEVER know if my very first kiss was just a big JOKE! And it’s DRIVING. ME. CRAZY!!!”

  I slammed my tennis ball in anger, and we barely managed to duck as it ricocheted off the wall and shot across the gym at what seemed like a hundred miles an hour.

  Chloe raised an eyebrow at me. “CRAZY is an understatement! Nikki, you’re BEATING your poor tennis ball like it owes you money!” she snarked.

  “Sorry!” I muttered.

  Suddenly Zoey’s eyes lit up. “Listen up, guys! I have an idea! And yes, I know it’s crazy! But why don’t we just call Queasy Cheesy and ask them to send us a copy of Brandon’s receipt?! Then we can see if he personally paid for the pizza or if someone bought it for him because of a dare like MacKenzie said.”

  “Sorry, Zoey, but Queasy Cheesy would NEVER send a customer receipt to a bunch of silly, nosy girls like US!” I grumbled.