How to Dork Your Diary

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  ALADDIN * Simon & Schuster, New york

  Cover designed by Lisa Vega * Cover illustrations

  copyright © 2011 by Rachel Renee Rusell

  Ages 9-13 * 1011 *

  ALSO BY

  Rachel Renée Russell

  Dork Diaries:

  Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life

  Dork Diaries 2:

  Tales from a Not-So-Popular Party Girl

  Dork Diaries 3:

  Tales from a Not-So-Talented Pop Star

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  ALADDIN * An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division * 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com * First Aladdin hardcover edition October 2011 * Copyright © 2011 by Rachel Renée Russell * All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. * ALADDIN is a trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc., and related logo is a registered trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc. * The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. * Designed by Lisa Vega * The text of this book was set in Skippy Sharp. *

  Library of Congress Control Number 2011936869. *

  ISBN 978-1-4424-2233-9 * ISBN 978-1-4424-2234-6 (eBook)

  This book is dedicated to YOU, my wonderful readers!

  Fill it with your daydreams, drama, and doodles. And always remember to let your inner Dork shine through!

  Contents

  FRIDAY, AT HOME, 6:05 A.M.

  AT HOME, 6:12 A.M.

  AT HOME, 6:30 A.M.

  AT HOME, 7:10 A.M.

  GIRLS’ BATHROOM AT SCHOOL, 7:45 A.M.

  ENGLISH CLASS, 8:00 A.M.

  FRENCH CLASS, 9:50 A.M.

  SOCIAL STUDIES CLASS, 10:47 A.M.

  GYM CLASS, 11:45 A.M.

  CAFETERIA, 12:25 P.M.

  BIOLOGY CLASS, 1:30 P.M.

  GEOMETRY CLASS, 2:00 P.M.

  LIBRARY, 2:35 P.M.

  IN THE HALL OUTSIDE THE

  BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM, 2:45 P.M.

  AT HOME, 4:00 P.M.

  AT HOME, 4:30 P.M.

  FRIDAY, AT HOME, 6:05 A.M.

  OMG!!

  I just had the most HORRIFIC nightmare!

  The worst in my entire life!

  I’m soooo FREAKED OUT I can barely write this.

  I’m having cold sweats, my heart is pounding, and my brain is … numb with such intense … anguish it feels like it’s about to, um … EXPLODE!

  WHY?!

  I DREAMED I LOST MY DIARY AT SCHOOL !!!!!!

  YES!! At SCHOOL!! Like, how CRAZY is THAT?!

  The weird thing is that it seems like it actually happened. Because as soon as I woke up, all these detailed memories came flooding into my head, making me feel even more confused.

  I can’t imagine NOT writing in my diary! It’s like I’m addicted or something.

  In my dream I was so desperate that I found Brianna’s old doodle book at the bottom of her toy box and started writing in that instead.

  But mostly I was FRANTIC that someone would find my diary and read all the SUPERpersonal, SUPERembarrassing, SUPERsecret stuff about

  AAAHHH!!

  That was me screaming.

  WHY?

  Because if I’m writing in BRIANNA’S DOODLE BOOK, that can mean only one thing.…

  I LOST MY DIARY AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY !!

  AAAHHH!!!

  AT HOME, 6:12 A.M.

  I think I may be having a nervous breakdown or something because suddenly I just started crying and couldn’t stop.

  My room was a total mess after just one box of tissues.

  But by the time I sobbed my way through seven boxes of tissues, I looked like a giant piece of LINT.

  With EYEBALLS!

  As much as I wanted to just lie there staring at the wall and sulking, I FINALLY decided it was time to drag my butt out of bed.

  WHY?

  Because all those wet, soggy tissues were quickly starting to dry and harden around my body, potentially transforming ME into a HUMAN piñata!!

  And Brianna just LOVES piñatas.

  I was absolutely TERRIFIED she would:

  1. Dump six boxes of orange Tic Tacs down my throat.

  2. String me up on a pole.

  3. Smack me around with a plastic bat until I either burst or coughed up some candy.

  That child has serious issues.

  I’m just saying.… !!

  AT HOME, 6:30 A.M.

  I can’t believe this is actually happening to me!

  The last time I remember seeing my diary was yesterday at breakfast.

  After I finished writing in it, I stuck it inside that cute little front zipper pocket of my backpack just like I always do.

  I had a vocabulary quiz in French and a chapter test in geometry, so I didn’t have time to write in it until my seventh-period class.

  And when I opened the front zipper pocket of my backpack, my diary was GONE !!!

  Being the biggest dork in the entire school is bad enough. And now everyone is going to be reading my diary!

  I’m WORSE than a TOTAL LOSER!!! I’m a

  Okay! Is it just ME, or are these drawings a desperate cry for help?!

  Brianna needs to be placed on a very potent antipsychotic medication. ASAP!

  I’m just sayin’ …!

  * PLAN FOR FINDING MY LOST DIARY *

  Step 1. Check the lost and found in school office. (If not found, proceed to Step 2.)

  Step 2. Check each of my classrooms. (If not found, proceed to Step 3.)

  Step 3. Check hallways, cafeteria, and library. (If STILL not found, proceed to Step 4.)

  Step 4. Crawl inside my locker, slam the door shut, and … DIE !!

  HERB, THE JANITOR, DISCOVERS THE STANK COMING FROM LOCKER #724

  This whole fiasco is SO massively TRAUMATIZING I can barely think straight.

  I’m sure I’m probably suffering from some very horrible and rare disorder like, um, Stress-Related Brain … Constipation!

  And my illness will make it nearly impossible for me to keep a diary.

  At this point, the only thing I can do is use Brianna’s doodle book to write very specific instructions to myself about HOW to keep a diary.

  The good news is that anyone can use my personal tips to make their own diary.

  Learning how to dork a diary will be both a thrilling and rewarding experience for all humankind.

  And who knows, maybe one day your diary could even save your life.…

  See what I mean?!

  AM I NOT BRILLIANT ?!!

  NOTE TO SELF

  Your diary will probably become one of your most valuable possessions.

  So it’s important to determine which type of diary is best suited for your p
ersonality.

  HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #1

  DISCOVER YOUR DIARY IDENTITY.

  Answer the following questions to find out the best type of diary for you.

  1. It’s a Saturday afternoon. Your homework is all done and you have an hour to do whatever you want. You decide to:

  A. Play an exciting round of your favorite computer or video game.

  B. Spend time relaxing by reading that new book your BFF has been raving about.

  C. Check in with your friends via e-mail, text, or a social-networking site like Everloop.

  D. Let your creative juices flow by drawing your favorite anime characters.

  2. You left your diary in your third-hour English class, and your secret crush returns it to you during lunch. You:

  A. E-mail him one of those cute animated thank-you e-cards and surprise him with his fave candy bar as a reward!

  B. Gag on your meat loaf and then rush to the girls’ bathroom, where you spend the rest of the day hiding out in a locked stall.

  C. Hope he read the part in your diary about you liking him, so he’ll finally ask you to the school dance. Hey, it’s only a week away!

  D. Blush profusely when he compliments that funky self-portrait in glitter you’re working on for the art show and offer to draw a zany caricature of him as a thank-you.

  3. When something is really bothering you, you usually:

  A. Ponder the problem for an hour or two and then try to forget about it by doing a self-induced brain freeze with three gallons of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

  B. Privately obsess over the problem all day long while trying to convince everyone who asks “Are you okay?” that you’re fine and nothing is bothering you because (1) your problem is way too complicated for them to understand, and (2) you’re way too exhausted from pretending you’re just fine to explain it to them.

  C. Vent about the problem rather loudly to anyone and everyone who’ll listen to you. Because if YOU ain’t happy, NOBODY should be happy!

  D. Distract yourself from worrying by channeling all that negative energy into a creative project. Like painting a still-life mural inside your locker and adding a water fountain, scented candles, and a yoga mat, and then totally chilling out in between classes.

  4. Your birthday was three months ago and you still need to send your grandma a thank-you note for that hideous avocado-green sweater she knitted for you that was two sizes too big and more itchy than a severe case of poison ivy. You:

  A. Drop her a quick e-mail sincerely telling her how you’ll cherish her gift forever, while casually mentioning how much you really, really LOVE gift cards because one size fits all and they don’t usually cause a rash.

  B. Compose a heartfelt, handwritten thank-you note informing her that her gift is being worn almost daily. But you leave out the part about how you buried it out in the backyard and your dad accidentally found it when he was watering the grass and now it’s his lucky bowling sweater.

  C. Friend your grandma online and then post your thank-you note on her page along with a picture of yourself in the sweater SHE knitted so that her fourteen online friends can see it. But you also wear the ski mask YOU knitted so that your 1,784 online friends won’t recognize you in a sweater that looks like dirty yak fur.

  D. Paint a life-size portrait of yourself wearing the sweater and send it to your grandma to show your gratitude. Because thanks to her, some very lucky dog or cat at the local animal shelter will give birth to her litter on a warm, fuzzy, two-sizes-too-big avocado-green sweater.

  5. Which of the following is most true?

  A. You’re a very tech-savvy person. You’re a team player and always up for a challenge.

  B. You’re friendly and a hopeless romantic. You love curling up in a comfy blanket and daydreaming.

  C. You’re happy and have lots of friends. There’s always some type of drama going on in your life.

  D. You’re creative and enjoy art, music, drama, and poetry. Your personal style is unique and slightly edgy.

  6. You hear the news that your BFF’s soccer team just won the regional championship. You:

  A. Send her the text message “You GO, GIRL! Congrats!”

  B. Congratulate her with a big hug when you see her.

  C. Leave her a phone message of you screaming hysterically.

  D. Surprise her with a handmade poster on her locker that says “Congrats! You ROCK!”

  7. You’re about to wash your favorite pair of jeans and find ten dollars stashed in the back pocket from your last babysitting job. You’re RICH! So you treat yourself to:

  A. A ticket to that blockbuster movie based on your favorite book. You’ve been waiting, like, FOREVER for it to come out!

  B. Gourmet CUPCAKES! SQUEEEEEE!!

  C. Lip gloss! There’s a buy-two-get-one-FREE sale at the mall!

  D. Music for your iPod. There are some new tunes you’ve heard lately that are real ear candy.

  8. You’re at a slumber party and it’s game time. Which of the following would you rather play?

  A. Just Dance

  B. The Game of Life

  C. Truth or Dare

  D. Pictionary

  Now look back at which answer you circled for each question.

  Which letter do you have the most of?

  I have mostly____________.

  MOSTLY As

  You are smart and curious, and you like learning new things. You will most enjoy keeping a diary on your computer. Write detailed entries about your interesting adventures and new discoveries.

  MOSTLY Bs

  You are kind and sensitive, and you like helping others. You will most enjoy writing in a diary or journal. Your dreams and feelings are sacred. Share them with your diary like a best friend.

  MOSTLY Cs

  You are friendly and outgoing, and you love people. You will most enjoy writing a blog. Select a fab online ID and share your exciting, DIVALICIOUS life with your friends.

  MOSTLY Ds

  You are creative and independent, and you are a talented artist. You will most enjoy keeping your thoughts in a sketchbook. Let your innermost feelings inspire you to create emo poetry, beautiful art, and hilarious doodles.

  Now try out the suggested diary format for your personality. If you love it, you’ve found your match! However, if it’s not the best fit, try the others and select the one you’re most comfortable with. GOOD LUCK !

  AT HOME, 7:10 A.M.

  I’m already dreading school today.

  Part of me wants to just give up and go back to bed. But since I desperately need to find my diary, staying home is NOT an option.

  Just the thought of kids at my school reading my diary makes me physically ill. I was so nauseated this morning, I could barely even eat anything.

  Of course, it didn’t help that Brianna was making a huge gourmet breakfast for Miss Penelope.

  SORRY! But Miss Penelope is JUST a stupid little HAND PUPPET! Any IDIOT could take one look at her and know she could NEVER eat that much food!!

  But more than anything, I was totally GROSSED OUT by the nasty mess Brianna was making.

  Why, why, why was I not born an only child ?!!

  NOTE TO SELF

  It’s always fun to write about things that make you happy. But did you know that writing about a bad experience or disappointment can sometimes make you feel a lot better about the situation? If you’re having a really cruddy day, remember to use your diary as a way to help you vent and work through your frustrations.

  HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #2

  WRITE ABOUT THE

  GOOD, THE BAD,

  AND THE UGLY.

  THE GOOD:

  Write about the BEST thing that has ever happened to you. How did you feel?

  Draw a picture:

  THE BEST THING

  THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME !

  THE BAD:

  Write about the WORST thing that has ever happened to you. How did you feel?

  D
raw a picture:

  THE WORST THING

  THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME !

  THE UGLY:

  Write about the most EMBARRASSING things that have ever happened to you. How did you feel?

  Draw pictures:

  THE TWO MOST EMBARRASSING THINGS

  THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME !

  NOTE TO SELF

  Make sure you write in your diary every single day. Even if you LOSE your diary, just keep writing in a spare notebook or in your little sister’s annoying doodle book.

  HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #3

  ALWAYS DO THE

  WRITE THING.

  Surprise! This is a POP QUIZ! Grab a pencil or pen and write a diary entry RIGHT NOW about what happened to you today! Keep writing until you see the word “STOP.”

  GIRLS’ BATHROOM AT SCHOOL, 7:45 A.M.

  As soon as I got to school, I practically ran to the office. I didn’t even wait around for my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey.

  The school secretary, Mrs. Pearson, was placing mail in the teacher mailboxes.

  “Um … excuse me, but has anyone found a lost book?” I asked frantically.

  “Good morning, Nikki. Actually, a student DID turn in a book yesterday! He said he found it in the hall near the cafeteria.”

  I could not believe my luck! I was so happy and relieved, I could have hugged her.

  “OMG! Someone found it and turned it in?” I squealed excitedly. “I’m pretty sure it’s MINE!”

  Thank goodness this nightmare was finally over.

  When Mrs. Pearson handed me the book, I took one look and my heart dropped. It was NOT my diary!