Me, Jesus and Adam Ant, Page 2

the only "Ramon."

  I open it curious, sitting on my Ikea futon.

  There's a picture of Elvis Presley along with a girl.

  I read what is written on the back with blue ink ...

  Hey are Ramón, is immortalized in this photo the last moment of happiness I had with Ursula, I can not forget it.

  I'm leaving for a while ', do not look. Goodbye.

  I tremble all over, Ramón is Elvis. Ramón, my self depressed, is Elvis.

  During this time did nothing but try himself.

  Like everyone else.

  Check back soon Ramón.

  Check back soon Elvis.

  DRIIIN DRIIIN

  The phone, who will?

  DRIIIN DRIIIN

  "Yes, hello."

  "Hey, I'm Felipe."

  "Who?"

  "Felipe, your I hypochondriac."

  "Jesus .."

   

  The return of Ramon, my self depressed

  Lying on my Ikea futon in his underwear and T-shirt Meat is murder of the Smiths.

  Pet sounds listening, waiting for the right inspiration.

  On days like this I wish I had the habit of smoking, as well, to give a little 'of emphasis to my doing anything, and maybe drinking whiskey straight from the bottle into the paper bag from the grocer, as in American movies.

  DRIIIN DRIIIN

  The phone, which nuisance.

  "Yes, hello."

  "Hey, I'm Ramon."

  "Ramon!'re Back, how long!"

  A moment when Ramón, my self depressed, is back ... So I'm depressed.

  "Ramon, I'm depressed?"

  "Giaggià."

  "Ugh, I did not think, that maybe a bit 'bored. But tell me about yourself, come on."

  "I'm excited, I've started a new search giaggià."

  "Ramon, what is it this time?"

  "Answers."

  "Which questions Ramón?"

  "The meaning of life, who are we, what are we doing on this earth."

  "Yes Ramón, okay, people always wonder about these issues now so handsome you come and give us the answers."

  "Giaggià, but I'm not exactly a man, are the projection of a man, that is you, then I have a more detached, are less involved.'s Why succeed where all have failed."

  "Ummm ... and how was this desire for answers Ramon?"

  "I do not believe it, walking in the street when I saw a rock, I gathered, was smooth and shapely, a work of art. E 'all came from that stone."

  "I feel like a whore Ramón new age."

  "Hey, fuck you!"

  CLICK

  TU TU tuuu tuuu

  Hehehe, dear old Ramón ... 

   

  Ramón, my self depressed, is in serious trouble

  I wake up at Ikea futon wrapped in a blanket, on TV slide the end credits of the last film by Lars Von Trier, the credits at least I can say I have seen them.

  DRIIIN DRIIIN

  The phone? At this hour? Have the wrong number.

  "Yes, hello."

  "Help me, I'm in trouble, woe be serious!"

  "Who is it? Are you Ramon?"

  "Yes, yes, I am, giaggià!"

  "How much trouble are you?"

  "The meaning of life, what are we doing on this earth, I have the answers!"

  "Fantastic Ramon, what's the problem?"

  "Someone very, very high up knows that I know and do not want to speak."

  "What do you want Ramón?"

  "You have to hide.'m Your I depressed, stop being so depressed I will disappear for a while 'and not find me."

  "How can I not be depressed Ramón, I just saw the latest film by Lars Von Trier!"

  "Oh no! Just tonight What you prick!"

  "Ramón you prick!"

  "No, you!"

  "You!"

  "Hey, fuck you!"

  CLICK

  TU TU tuuu tuuu

  Damn, Ramón, my self depressed, is in trouble. He is always there for me, this time he asked for my help and I did the prick.

   

  Ramón, my self depressed, has a theory

  I am more determined than ever to recover the sleep last night, the latest film by Lars Von Trier, I untap a Moretti, press play on the remote and grabbed the pizza box a triangle pepperoni, I'm about to bite into when ...

  DRIIIN DRIIIN

  It seemed.

  "Yes, hello."

  "Open your ears, I'm going to reveal my great discovery about life. Want you to know, eventually managed to keep my mouth shut."

  "Ramon?"

  "Giaggià, I do not have much time and the phone may be under control."

  "You're not a little 'paranoid Ramon?"

  "Shut up and listen. Underpinning all there is depression."

  "Depression? Ramón What do you mean?"

  "Depression begets life. Think of me, your self depressed, I exist because your depression has given me life."

  "Curious Ramón theory."

  "Giaggià the beginning there was nothing, the great great grand nothing, you know that depression? And now it all makes sense."

  "Strange that no one has ever thought of before Ramon."

  "The purpose of man is to feed the original engine of depression, giaggià. Depression, life, depression, life, depression, life, depr ..."

  "Yes, yes I understand Ramón, I understand. Yet I do not."

  "Of course, you're a dick."

  "Ramón you prick."

  "No, you!"

  "You!"

  "Hey, fuck you!"

  CLICK

  TU TU tuuu tuuu

  Ramón, my self depressed, with his theories and who knows who that wants to shut him up, that crazy.

  DRIIIN DRIIIN

  It will still be him.

  "Yes, hello."

  "Mr. Roberts, you have to familiarize yourself with sensitive information."

  "Who is this?"

  "This call comes from very very very high."

  "Ha, if you think you scare me ..."

  "Shut up! Get out of the house, there's a car parked in the driveway Pope, the one with the bullet-proof plexiglass to be clear, we go up."

  "The car papal no, no no papal car, the car papal no no nooo ..."

  Suddenly I felt something on his chest, the triangle of pizza, stuffed side, it is on my shirt, on the TV screen scroll the titles of the last film by Lars Von Trier, the only part of this damn movie I can see Everything else I slept again.

  I think I had even dreamed Ramón, my self depressed, I do not remember what revealed.

  I take off the pizza and I get out of Ikea futon for me cleaned up.

  From the window overlooking the driveway enters a light that then goes away, the headlights of a car in reverse, it will be a drunk who missed the driveway. I approached the window, I see that he goes into the night, that's weird, it seems papal car, those with bulletproof plexiglass so to speak.

   

  Ramón: Real last act

  Listen to records of two decades ago, tucked inside a thick wool sweater pizzicorina. Days are too cold to put his nose out of the house, I'd get up from Ikea futon even if ...

  Dlin DLON

  The doorbell rings, who can be? I'm not expecting anyone. I hate it when the doorbell rings and not expecting anyone. I also hate when the phone rings but I hate the most when the doorbell rings.

  Dlin DLON

   

  The first thing I think of when the phone rings or the doorbell rings is: who the fuck is that?

  Dlin DLON

  I also hate the insistence.

  Dlin DLON dlin DLON

  Annoyance go to open, I remain in awe, standing in front of me is Elvis Presley in jacket with sequins.

  "E. .. Elvis?" I stutter.

  "Elvis? But you say asshole?'m Ramon, giaggià."

  I always forget that Ramon, my self depressed, was Elvis Presley and does not know it.

  "Sorry Elv ... that Ramón, I have always seen only in photos, so face to face I did no
t recognize."

  "It's very cold, do not you let me in?"

  "Of course Ramón, come in, come on. Now that's a surprise!"

  Ramón, my depressed, came to visit me, it makes me uncomfortable, what will it take?

  "Sit Ramón, have a drink?"

  "Mead, thank you."

  "I do not have."

  "So grog, thank you."

  "I do not even what Ramón."

  "Ummm ... Marche wine of cherries, thank you."

  "Wine Marches of cherries? But Ramón, we in Great Casterton in Rutland County, where is it in your opinion?"

  "Tap Water?"

  "It 'Ramón ready in an instant."

  Go to the kitchen to fetch water, and keep wondering what it will, maybe he just wanted to meet me in person.

  I'll be back in the living room, is studying the disc's ringing in stereo speakers and give him the glass.

  "Strong, who am I?"

  "They are 60ft Dolls."

  "Never heard of them, I like Elvis."

  "I know Ramon, I know."

  He takes a sip of water.

  "You must be wondering why your depressed I have come to see you."

  "Well, yes Ramón, I'm just wondering."

  "I'm here because you're at peace with yourself."

  "You think Ramon?"

  "Are you here in the warm, tucked inside a thick wool sweater pizzicorina to listen to 60ft as they are called."

  "I think I understand Ramón, your job of my self depressed is over, right?"

  "Giaggià.'m Going to come back to you."

  "It will be painful Ramon?"

  "No."

  "If you'd tell me it was painful Ramon?"

  "No."

  We're a few seconds in silence, Ramon smiles at me then becomes mist before my eyes, it gets into the bones, he twists the intestines, the liver puts me in place of a lung, sgom, makes its way inside my chest like a wop- bop-a-loom-a-boom-bam-boom. Faint.

  After a few minutes, or perhaps hours, or days, I open my eyes. I feel strange, but a strange pleasant, energetic, new.

  The jacket with sequins Ramon was on the Ikea futon, I want to wear it and do it.

  He's a brush, are Elvis Presley and life smiles at me.

   

   

   

  Connie Cuadretti

   

  Roller derby

  I, Jesus, Adam Ant and Richard Ginori, a boy, to pass the time during the long afternoons in Gethsemane, we used to screwing the wheels of Ikea Helmer drawer under the gym, and then go around in a circle between the olive trees.

  One day, the hated Connie Cuadretti, Cuadretti with C, which has long spied on us, after performing the same customization to its ankle boots with heels, began to spin in circles with us, and superandoci rimpiendoci barrel.

  Richard and Jesus made immediately by the first due to brittle bones, as if they were ceramic and the second for the trip of the goodness that already since then inhibited.

  Adam and I instead tried to make them tit for tat but, alas, we took other barrel.

  After that we did not go more in Gethsemane to skate, Connie Cuadretti instead put together a team of picchiatrici wheel and invented the Roller Derby.

   

  The first kiss, then the second

  Every year, on the 2nd of December, I am reminded of the day of my first kiss.

  At that time I lived in Newton-le-Willows, in the county of Merseyside, I was 72 years old and her name was Bettie Cuadretti, Cuadretti with C, was the younger sister hated Connie Cuadretti, the inventor of the Roller Derby.

  It was ugly because Cuadretti Bettie, who was always very stressed, suffering from gastritis and kiss me with that vehicle its juices.

  Acrid and pungent, caustic and corrosive, so it was my first kiss.

  decided that I would never kiss and let Bettie Cuadretti, except that Connie Cuadretti to avenge his sister, came to fill the barrel and the unexpected happened.

  It was beautiful, after having settled several punches in the face Cuadretti Connie looked at me and said, "You're so cute pesto", then kissed me.

  His mouth tasted of jacaranda, my blood, because of that I had broken teeth.

  It was Dec. 2, Dec. 2.

   

  The first time I did the love, the love that I

  Every December 13 I am reminded of the first time I did the love I had 73 years, I lived in Englefield Green, Surrey, was bold and hungry for experience.

  That afternoon, I, Jesus, Adam Ant and Gregor Samsa, we played ball stamped in the courtyard of the parish of Saint Prometheus when, from behind the churchyard, came out of the hated Connie Cuadretti, Cuadretti with C.

  Connie Cuadretti, as usual, began with the provocations, said he used to play as girls and we had the arms of butter, then took possession of the ball and bombed us as if he had balls of 1000, rained blows on all sides.

  Gregor Samsa, and Jesus made ​​immediately by the first because in these situations became as small as an insect and the second because his strict father did not want to react to provocation.

  Adam, 10 minutes later, she said "I have a dentist appointment" and actually went to the dentist.

  I was left alone to take from balls but did not want to give in to Connie Cuadretti that, for his part, was sovraeccitando for my stubborn resistance, so that after 57 minutes and 3 seconds suspended the attack and said, "Come a little 'here."

  Took me by the arm and led me behind a bush.

  While doing the love I noticed that Connie Cuadretti smelled of routine, I lost virginity, but then also because of blood just finished, already exhausted, I finally fainted pulling violently ball in the face.

  I had a broken nose and she was screaming "Sunk! Gone!" 

  That was the first time I had the love, the love that I did.

  Finally add that Connie Cuadretti, later that day, made some changes in the rules of the ball stamped, he acquired four cronies, the bizarre uniforms satin and invent the Dodgeball.

   

  The third kiss

  Every December 14 I am reminded of my third kiss, I was 75 years old and lived in Woodley, Berkshire.

  That morning I took the coach organized by the local sports club, to go with the team in Crowthorne Dodgeball for which I was assigned to the towels, Cuadretti Sisters.

  The Cuadretti Sisters, Cuadretti with C, were Connie, Bettie, and Ettie Gettie, then there was his brother Rudolph, the gentle soul of the family, that night, with their uniforms satin, they would play the big derby Berkshire.

  On the way we stopped for refreshment autogrill, I went straight to the department for chocolate and when I get one, I heard a voice whisper "Rubane one for me" from behind, I turned, it was the hated Connie Cuadretti.

  "I do not think so," I said and went to pay my chocolate.

  resumed the journey after two minutes and 39 seconds, Connie Cuadretti sat at my side and pulled from his pocket a chocolate hazelnut that was not the same that I had I bought it, had it tucked autogrill she had managed to make me steal.

  The discarded, gave her a bite, then kissed me.

  She knew of fudge and nuts, because I blood, agitation post-theft, I had a torn lip.

  That evening the Sisters Cuadretti lost the great derby in Berkshire and Connie Cuadretti blamed me because the towels were rough.

  After that day, Connie Cuadretti had the idea to sell, during village festivals, squares of chocolate wrapped with messages written in his own hand.

  At first the messages were like, "I'll break your face", "You're dead" and "Are you mad at me?", Then fortunately intervened brother, Rudolph Cuadretti, which made it much more sentimental.

   

  The second time I made to love and kiss my fourth

  Every December 16 I am reminded of the second time that I made to love and kiss my fourth.

  I was 77 years old, I lived in Appleby-in-Westmorland, in the county of Cumbria, I was the director, but after the flop of peplum "Maciste again
st passive smoking", I fell on hard times and was forced to stay in the family garage Cuadretti, Cuadretti with the C.

  It was the only house I could afford.

  The Cuadretti were hateful people, except for Rudolph, the only son, who was calm and gentle.

  That morning I was awakened by "Back in the USSR" by the Beatles played at high volume, I left the garage in my pajamas, the music was coming from the room of Connie Cuadretti, the eldest daughter hateful hateful family Cuadretti.

  I looked out of her window, she saw me.

  "What is it you do not like the Beatles?" churches.

  "Oh yes I like, they are my favorite orchestra music and entertainment," I said.

  "Come rookie, let me see you dance," she said.

  While scavalcavo window Cuadretti Connie put it in the turntable 45 rpm of "Twist and Shout" and I, once inside, I began to squirm as if I had bees in pajama pants.

  Just as I should have expected, he started saying that canzonarmi

  I danced like a little girl and I had ice cream sticks instead of legs, then suddenly threw me on the bed and made me to love.

  I was doing just that when the love, without knocking, entered the calm and gentle brother Rudoplh Cuadretti, analyzed the situation in a few moments then ran screaming and crying.

  I had always suspected he likes me.

  Connie Cuadretti became a rage, I settled down a pine cone in the left eye and yelled "There, are you happy you made me cry my brother!", Then kissed me.

  She knew of ylang-ylang, blood I was running from the upper to the eyebrows.

  After 7 seconds, Connie Cuadretti threw me for a second time in the morning but this time out the window.

  The next day I received the eviction, while Connie Cuadretti got the idea to join the dance of violence and invented a dance where you took his shoulder, he called it "Relief", a name that eventually was crippled by the dancers who had lost teeth in "Pogo."

   

  The fifth kiss

  Every December 19 I am reminded of my fifth kiss.

  I had 79 years to live I joined the circus Hobbs, in the morning I was shaving and in the evening, with padding in the right places, I was the number of the bearded lady.

  That day pitched the tent in Poulton-le-Fylde, Lancashire, and a bad feeling pervaded me at the first post.

  In the evening, at the end of the show, I retreated to remove the pads from the right places, and here's the surprise, the hated Connie Cuadretti, Cuadretti with C, I had noticed just before the audience, now she was sitting on the steps of my bandwagon.

  "You're not a woman," she said looking at me askance.

  "I'm more woman than you," I replied with an awkward falsetto that I invented on the spot, on the other hand when my number was not supposed to talk.

  "Imposter! I want your money back!" shouted rushing over me.

  I tore the false eyelashes and even the real ones on which were pasted, followed by a kick between the legs.

  I fell to the ground ranicchiato in my pain, breathless and gasping with his arms, just like when you get a kick between the legs.

   

  The first time I declared myself

  Every December 24 I am reminded of the first time, with the courage of youth, I decided as engaged to a girl.

  I lived in Bishop's Waltham in Hampshire County, had 81 years and worked as a page blower cooler soup at the villa of the Duchess of Andover.

  That day I was summoned to a commission from the chief kitchen Basil Hobbs: "Young man, went to the grocery store in town soon Cuadretti, I recommend Cuadretti with C, and get the chervil, otherwise the soup will the Duchess of flavor. See hurry. "

  Taken as soon as possible to make the Porsche 911 S '66 Duke. Finding the grocery Cuadretti was not difficult, was the only one with the C, parked and went inside.

  Behind the counter to serve was more or less the whole family Cuadretti but, unfortunately, I touched his daughter hateful, Connie Cuadretti.

  "What do you want?" He asked rudely.

  "Chervil." Said dry.

  "Chervil? Are you gay? "

  "No, I just need some chervil, and I in a hurry."

  He grimaced in disgust and retired to the back room. When he reappeared with those bunches of chervil in his hands suddenly found her beautiful and imagined with a bouquet of roses, dressed as a bride at our wedding.

  Without noticing, as I should have, the fact that I slammed the wisps of chervil in the face, I stated: "Miss Quadretti, she is wonderful, vorrebe engaged with myself?"

  Unfortunately not escaped the mistake I did by saying their name and I printed a pine cone in his mouth.

  I fell to the ground. A