Elf

ELF

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  Copyright 2013 Phil Wheeler

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  ELF

  “It was a dark and stormy naaaaa, that sucks!”

  “It was the best of times, and sometimes it was really bad.”

  Disgusted, Rick looked away, squeezed his eyes tightly shut, and took a deep breath. Slowly letting his breath out, he opened his eyes and looked at the screen in the hope that, somehow, the words he'd typed there had magically transformed into beautiful prose. He was disappointed.

  “I need to take a break.”, he said to no one, and turning in his chair he picked up his mail and reviewed the various bills, advertisements, and junk. He stopped when he got to the letter from a publisher and he eagerly opened it. “Dear Sir”, it began, “we must regretfully inform you that your writing is not up to the professional standards required by our publishing house...”

  The letter was tossed on the pile with the other rejections, “It was all part of the process.” he told himself. “No author ever wrote a best seller first time out of the box. Sometimes it took years of honing ones craft; writing, and writing some more, before success came to them. I just need to keep on going.” But it was difficult to do sometimes. “That's enough for today”, he said out loud, “besides, how can I get any work done with all that noise?”

  The noise was the steady ruummmm-ruuummm-ruummm of a chain saw in his front yard. He got up from his desk and walked over to the window. Out on the lawn the workman had just about finished topping the old oak. It was a shame, really, but the old tree had to come down. Too many cold winters, freezing rains and insects gnawing on it had taken its toll; the tree was, after all, over one hundred years old. It would probably take another day before they were done taking it down and cleaning it all up. He watched absentmindedly as the crew boss gave his men directions, the tree was huge, over 30 feet around and close to 100 feet tall, and the work crew scurried around it like ants at a picnic.

  He went downstairs to the kitchen and made himself a sandwich, grabbing a can of pop he headed for the front door. In the front yard there was a nice little bench his wife had bought and he walked over and sat down. It wasn't long before the crew boss sauntered over to join him. “Nice day,” he said, “but I here it's supposed to rain in a couple of hours.”

  Rick returned the greeting, and then added “I heard that, too. It's starting to cloud up over to the west already, so I thought I might as well enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.”

  “If it starts to lightning and thunder we are going to have to stop. I can't endanger my guys.”

  “That OK, I understand. Big tree.”

  “Big tree.”

  With that said the crew boss left him to enjoy the day – for about 20 minutes. Then the clouds rolled in, dark and ominous, lightening flashed across the rooftops and thunder boomed. He ran for the door as the rains came down like a monsoon, in 2 steps he was drenched to the bone. Closing the door behind him he looked out the window at the blowing wind and rain. The workmen were already in their trucks, headlights were being illuminated, and they were pulling away. Leaves and fallen branches were being scattered all over the yard and he wondered if he would have to pay more to have that cleaned up. Just as he turned to go a large crack of lightening came down from above and, like Zeus's thunderbolt let fly at Odysseus's ship, it struck what remained of the big oak tree. It lit up like a bonfire, the flames leaping towards the heavens, and the great tree cracked open right down the middle. It only took minutes for the downpour to extinguish the blaze, but its life was as magnificent as it was short. “Impressive!” said Rick.

  He toweled off, changed into some dry clothes, and headed back to his writing alcove. Retaking his seat in front of the keyboard he inhaled and stretched his hands out to once again connect with his keyboard, and was knocked out of his chair by a large electrical shock. Sitting on the floor he looked around to assess what had just happened. The lights were still on but the screen was a rainbow of colors. “Oh crap!” he said, “I bet lightening fried my computer. I knew I should have backed it up this week.” He was kicking himself as he attempted to regain his seat, and it was a good thing that he was seated, because suddenly a voice pierced his head like a bullet. “It isn't”, the voice said.

  “Ouch”, Rick said, “Could you speak a little softer?”

  “Oh, sorry.” came the voice. “I was just saying that your computer is not damaged.”

  Rick let out a sigh of relief, “Good, I haven't backed it up for a while...wait a minute!” He quickly scanned the room and found that he was alone. “Where are you and what are are you doing in my house?”

  “You had mine destroyed, so figured that I could come live with you.” said the disembodied voice.

  “I what?” said Rick.

  “Are you deaf? Should I speak louder?” replied the voice.

  “NO!” said Rick, “I heard you; I just don't understand what you are saying.”

  “Usted había minas destruidas, así que imaginé que podía ir a vivir con usted.”

  “I don't mean that I don't understand English, I understand it just fine. I just don't know what you are talking about.”

  “Oh”, said the voice contritely. “I got it, sorry. I lived in the old oak tree in your front yard and you had it taken down, so I decide to come live with you. The lightening strike was kind of an added bonus.”

  “An added bonus; who in the three shades of green are you? For that matter, where are you, and how can I hear you inside my head?”

  There was silence for a moment, then the voice said, “Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lu-enodre-rapsonta, I am presently residing inside your computer. I am an ELF – capital E capital L capital F. As to how you can hear me, well, I can choose to make myself heard if I concentrate.”

  Rick sat there, taking in what he had just heard. A large smile came to his face, “OK Bob, I don't know how you pulled this off, but it's a good one.”

  “Who is Bob?” said the voice.

  “You're the guy that likes to play practical jokes, and I must say that this is better than your normal stuff.”

  “I believe that you are mistaken, my name is not Bob and I don't know anyone of that name.”

  “Look Bob, this is really funny, but did you have to knock me on my butt? That wasn't so funny, it hurt.”

  “I am sorry about that, but I had some extra charge and it had to go somewhere. We have to talk.” said the voice.

  “So talk, Bob.”

  “If you would be so kind as to climb back to your seat I believe that I can clear this up.”

  Rick climbed to his feet and sat down in his chair, but he made no effort to reach for the keyboard. He wasn't sure how Bob was doing this, the voice in the head thing was really good, but he figured to play along for a little while longer. “What's next, ghostly apparitions?”

  “Ghosts are dead and I am alive, besides, I have no body to apparition you with. I – am an ELF – capital E capital L capital F .”

  “You already said that, but don't Elves live in the forest, what were you doing in my oak tree?”

  “Forests are getting harder to find so sometimes you take what you can get.”

  “OK, how are you getting the sound into my head?”

  “It's called sending - the ability to exchange thoughts and feelings by telepathy”

  “Sending?”

&nb
sp; “Sending. It's easier then you think, you just need to know the right wavelength and have the right power to do it.”

  Rick was beginning to doubt that it was Bob doing this. When it came to computers and scientific stuff Bob was the next best thing to a rock. “OK, the game's over! Who are you and what do you want from me?”

  “I told you. I am an ELF – capital E capital L capital F, and I need someplace to live now that you cut my home down.”

  Elves are make-believe mythological characters, they don't exist so who are you really?”

  I am not an elf, I am an ELF – capital E capital L capital F, an Electromagnetic Life Force, and I am not of your world.”

  “You're an alien and an ELF – capital E capital L capital F,?” asked Rick incredulously.

  “Yes.”

  “Right; now, who the H E double hockey sticks are you?”

  “I am Lu-enodre-rapsonta and I am an ELF from the planet Glogenbot. I have been on your world for over 4,000 years and for the last 70 years I have been living in the