“Ifeelveryfunnyaboutthis,”Zeldasaidwhenwegotoutontheeighthfloor.
“Iknewyou’dsaythat,”Isaid.
The keys Miss Applebaum gave us worked fine, and in no time Zelda and I wereinsideMissApplebaum’sapartment.I’dbelyingifIdidn’tsaythatitwas
extraordinarilyspooky.Zeldaranaroundputtingonallthelightsshecouldfind, and she certainly found a lot of them. The apartment went from looking like a mausoleum at midnight to something like the Amazon at noon. Zelda even put on the lights to the Ferris wheel and it started turning. It was as though the apartmentandplantshadallcomecompletelyalive.Isawplantsandtreesand
scientificequipmentIhadn’tevennoticedbefore.
“I’llpackMissApplebaum’sthings,”Zeldasaid.
“I’llhidethemoney,”Isaid.
“Where?”
“Someplace no one would look!” I went straight to the ex–Andrew Jackson Highhumanskeletonhangingonitsstandbehindthesofa.Eventhoughitsskull
wascrackedanditdidn’thaveallitsribs,itsjawbonehingeworkedperfectly.I
openeditsmouthandputthemoneysmackupinsidetheskull.Itmadearather forebodingpiggybank,Ithought.
“That’sdisgusting,”Zeldasaid.
“It’sutilitarian,”Isaid.
Zelda just looked at me like she was going to gag and made for Miss
Applebaum’sbedroom.Istayedinthelivingroomcheckingoutafewficustrees
and Miss Applebaum’s collection of magnets for a while, and then decided to look through some of the closets. The hall closet was sort of regular with functional ladies’ coats and practical wool hats, and an umbrella that had a stylishwoodenduck’sheadforahandle.Andtheclosetdownthehallnearthe
bathroomhadonlycleanwhitesheets,dulltowels,lotsofbarsofDovesoap,and
a bottle of Head & Shoulders. On the whole, the closets’ contents looked very traditional, not that I was expecting to find gold bullion or wolfbane or black candlesoranythinglikethat.Thosetwoclosetsjustlookedlikeaniceoldlady
livedintheapartment.Igotboredfairlyquicklyandbegantocheckoutthearea ofthelivingroomjustbeyondtheLbendwheremostofthebookshelveswere.
Evenwithallthelightsblazing,Icouldhardlyseethewallsbecauseofallthe
trees,butIdidspyaclosetdoorthatwaspracticallyovergrownbyivy.Thelong vines had grown down from huge hanging baskets of moss, and I wasn’t even going to open that closet. Then I thought, Why not? Actually, it was the only spot where I did feel a little strange prying open the door. It was like I was violatingapharaoh’stomb,andKingTutmightpopouttobopmeonthehead.I
actuallyhadtobreaksomeofthevinecreepersthatpressedagainstthedoorlike very thin, ghoulish fingers. By moving a couple of large palms, I was finally abletogetthedooropen.
As the light flooded in, I was quite shocked at what I saw. The closet was completelyfilledwith men’s clothing.Idon’tmeanlikeattirefromlastseason’s Barney’s sales. I mean men’s clothing like you might see in a World War II museum.TherewereNavysailorshirtsanduniformsthatlookedliketheywere
from the 1940s. There were polka-dot bow ties and a flashy tuxedo with huge lapelsandabouttenpairsofantiqueshoesthatwereeverythingfromflashytwo-tone black and white to powder blue. There was even a raccoon coat like you sometimes see people wear in Laurel and Hardy films. I couldn’t resist putting thecoatrightonandbargingstraightintoMissApplebaum’sbedroomtoshow
Zelda.
“Lookatthis,willyou?”
Zeldascreamed.“Ithoughtyouwereabear!”
Shewasstandinginfrontofahugebedroomclosetwithitsslidingdoorswide
open.Rightoffthebat,IcouldseeabouttendressestheAndrewsSisterswould
havebeenproudtowearforU.S.O.showstoentertainthetroops.Zeldapulled
outonedressthathadsilversequinsandcrochetedbeadingalloveritandwas
trimmed with peacock feathers. Actually, a lot of the clothes in both Miss Applebaum’sclosetandtheclosetI’dfoundlookedlikethingsnostalgicrock’n’
rollstarswouldgivetheireyeteethforwhentheywantedtolookunique.Bothof
the closets had so much style, we almost fainted. We started running back and forth between the rooms checking out everything in those two closets. Zelda found a second raccoon coat in the bedroom closet that looked like it matched theoneintheman’scloset.
Ihadanuncontrollableurgetograboneofthepillowsoffthebedandthrowit
atZelda,catchinghercompletelyoffguard.
“Youidiot!”shelaughed.
Inaflashshepickedupthepillowandcamerunningatme,butIgrabbeda
secondpillowfromMissApplebaum’sbedandwestartedsmackingeachother
ashardaswecouldwiththepillows.Iwasthefirstonetogetreallytired,soI just plopped on Miss Applebaum’s bed and let Zelda bang me with the pillow aboutfiftytimes.Wehadneverlaughedsohardinallourlives.Finally,Zelda
was exhausted, too, and she dropped laughing to the floor on the other side of thebed.Wewerepuffinglikesteamlocomotivesandwerereallywhackedout.I
couldn’tevenliftmyheadoffthebedtoseeZeldaontherug.Eventually,Isaw
her hand creep up like a tarantula on the other side of the bed, and finally she pulled herself up and lay down next to me. We were still laughing when we noticedsomethingonthebedwherethepillowshadbeen.Itwasaphotograph.
Anoldandfadedphotograph.IthadtobesomethingMissApplebaumcherished
andhad kept underher pillow foryears. It was apicture of ayoung girl and a sailorkissinginthefrontcarofaConeyIslandrollercoaster.Wecouldseeplain asdaythatthegirlwasMissApplebaumwhenshewasabouttwentyyearsold.
And the sailor boy looked like he really adored her. And the photograph itself wassetinalittlecardboardframethatsaid,“AliceandStevenforever.”Itwas
strange,butupuntilthatmomentwehadneverevenimaginedthatatonetime
Miss Applebaum had been young and lovely, and dated boys, and did crazy thingslikerideinthefrontcarofarollercoaster.Andshekissed.Shewasonce apretty,sweetgirlwhokissedahandsomesailor,andtheywereinlove.Alice
andStevenforever!
ThenwethoughtofMissApplebaumnow.
MissApplebauminthehospital.
Foralongwhile,welayonMissApplebaum’sbedholdingontoeachother.
14
Zeldastillisn’tfeelinguptowritingyet,soI’llhavetocontinue.Idon’t
blameher,becauseIguessthisisthehardestparttotellabout.Zeldawas
abletogiveyouafewhighlightsoftheroutinesatParkviewHospital,butthere
wasalotmoregoingonwhilewewerelearningaboutthose.Mostofthetime
MissApplebaumhadusrunningaroundlikechickenswithourheadscutoff.On
school days Zelda and I would usually get up very early and deliver treats to MissApplebaum’scharityrecipientsbeforewewenttoschool.Whenwedidn’t
do it in the morning, we did it right after school. Miss Applebaum went to the trouble of making up a list for us so we’d know everyone she wanted
remembered.ZeldaandIsimplycalleditMissApplebaum’slist.
Miss Applebaum’s complete list included at least thirty stops. Zelda and I fo
undittookusahalfhourjusttoshopforthethingsatthedelidowntheblock fromtheDakota.WeknewMissApplebaumgaveoutfood,butwedidn’tknow
shehadaspecificrouteshetookandknewalmosteveryhomelesspersoninher
sectionofthepark.ShetoldustherewasanotherwomanbythenameofNaomi
Larsonwhogaveoutfreefoodonthesouthernmostsectionoftheparkaround
theice-skatingrinkandchildren’szoo,andthataveryniceelderlycouplecalled Mom and Pop O’Malley had a route up near “no man’s land” and the park reservoir.ZeldaandIfoundMissApplebaum’srouteextremelyexhaustinguntil
wefiguredoutwhoandwhereeverybodywas,buteventhenittookagoodhour
walkingatagoodclipandpushingaborrowedsupermarketbasket.Also,itwas
getting cold, so a few of the homeless went south, we were told, to parks in FloridaandNewMexico,andsomedaysoneortwoofthemwouldbemissing
becausethepolicehadthempickedupandputinanuthouse.
AllthiswasgoingonwhileZeldaandIkeptupourschoolwork,studiedfor
tests,andmanagedtogetovertoseeMissApplebaumforatleastanhourevery
evening. I also kept up the withdrawal of three hundred dollars a day until the skull of the skeleton had loot bulging out of its eyeballs. Of course, Miss Applebaumkeptincreasingherfoodgiftsthecloseritgottotheholidays.From
November 20th on, she added entire quarts of eggnog, loaves of seven-grain bread,andpoundsofDutchPalcoldcuts.Oneday,shewantedeveryonetohave
a can of Campbell’s tomato soup and a box of matches. Miss Applebaum kept runningthingsrightfromherbednomatterhowthinorweakshewasgetting.It
seemed every week the doctors ordered some new test done to her or tube attached to her. It started with an intravenous tube that was supposed to make certainMissApplebaumhadenoughwaterinhersystemtomakeitpossiblefor
hertogetchemicalsandradiationtreatment.Somedays,we’darrivetoseeher
and they’d have her down in the laboratory for another biopsy or X ray. But ZeldaandIandMissApplebaumstayedashopefulaswecouldforaslongas
we could. We played Goonie. Monopoly. Trivial Pursuit. Scrabble. And Miss Applebaumlovedhelpinguswithourhomework.
“Beoriginal!”shekepttellingus.
“That’stoooldhat!Thinkofsomethingnew!”
“Trymakingadioramatoproveanalgebraequation!”
She’dgiveushintsonhowtodoourassignmentssothattheywerestartling.
Refreshing,she’dsay.IhadtowriteacompositionforhistoryontheAmerican
judicialsystem,andMissApplebaumsuggestedIwriteitfromthepointofview
ofahorsethatwasfoundguiltyofsorceryinNewJerseyandhanged.Shegave
Zelda a unique way of discussing economics by taking off from the fact that multibillionaireoiltycoonJohnPaulGettyhadapayphoneinhismansion.That
was the fantastic thing about Miss Applebaum. She knew much more than
science. Her knowledge spread into every field of study and endeavor. Even whenthechemotherapyshewasgettingstartedtomakeherhairfallout,shestill pressed forward making Zelda and me reach for the unique and inventive.
Sometimes,we’darriveatherbedsidejustastheyhadaddedanewdripbagof
chemicalstoherintravenous,andshewouldn’thaveenoughstrengthtolifther
headfromthepillow.Eventhen,she’djustclosehereyesandtellusthingslike
“If you got rid of all the space in the atoms that go to make up a camel, you
could pass the camel through the eye of a needle.” She’d whisper, “Three fourthsofallspeciesofmammalsarerodents.”She’dtellus,“Theeyeofagiant squidislargerthanaperson’shead.”Sometimes,we’dthinkshewasasleep,but
thenherlipswouldmoveandshe’dsaysomethingfantasticallystimulatinglike
“On the average, each human being contains two molecules of Julius Caesar’s lastbreath.”Itjustseemedasthoughshecouldneverstopteachingus.
I don’t think I can put off any longer telling you about our showdown with Bernice,soI’llgetitoverwithrightnow,andthenZeldawillprobablybeable
towritethenextchapter.Itwasn’tthatwedidn’tthinkaboutBernice.Wemust
have thought about her at least once a day from that first night when Miss Applebaum,Zelda,andIwereplayingElevatorRoulettedoingthecancan,and
Bernice appeared. It’s very hard to forget anyone with a hatchet face and a chilling disciplinarian voice. I suppose we were meant only to meet Bernice at elevators, because that’s exactly the way it worked out at the hospital. We had toldMissApplebaumtowritetoBernicesoshe’dknowwhereshewas,andtell
Bernice that she had decided to get treatment at Parkview Hospital. We knew Bernicewouldbeshowingupsoonerorlater,andwealsoknewitwouldn’tbea
barreloflaughsifwehappenedtorunintoher.Whatwedidn’tknowwasthat
she’dbewaitingforussmackinfrontoftheelevatorsontheninthfloorofthe
hospital at seven o’clock in the evening. Zelda was holding a bag of Miss Applebaum’s favorite treat, which was Pick Up Sticks Restaurant’s shrimp in lobster sauce and pork fried rice, and I was holding a supply of egg drop soup
and fortune cookies. We had been chatting sedately while riding up in the elevator about how happy Miss Applebaum would be to see the food, even thoughshecouldn’teatverymuchanymore.Wewerereallylookingforwardto
seeingher.
ThenthedooropenedandwesawBernicewithherbuzz-sawfaceandfancy
dyedblondConnecticut-matronhair.Thisnight,shelookedlikeNessietheLoch
NessMonsteritself.
“Hello,”wesaid,steppingofftheelevatorholdingourbagsofChinesefood.
“Areyousatisfiednow?Areyou?”Bernicestartedtoimmediatelyscreamat
us. Her voice was so loud, everyone at the nurses’ station turned and several orderliesandnurse’saidescameoutofthewards.
“MissApplebaum’sgettingthetreatmentsheneeds,”Isaidquietly,stepping
toshieldZeldaincaseBernicedidtrytohauloffandpunchus.
“Thereisnotreatmentforher!” Berniceroared.“Thereneverwas!”
“It’snottoolate,”Isaid.
“It was always too late!” Bernice bellowed. “You had to tell her she was dying!Youhadtogiveherhope!Well,don’tyouseewhatyou’vedone!”
“We’vegivenhermoreofachance,”Zeldasaid.
“She could have been spared this!” Bernice literally screamed. “She could have lived her last days in peace. You’ve let them cut her! You’ve let them experimentonher!You’vemurderedher,youstupid,hatefulchildren!”
“We’renotstupidandwe’renothateful!”Iautomaticallyyelledrightbackat
her.AtthatmomentIcouldn’tsensiblyprocesseveryremarkshehadhurledat
us, but I could see Bernice was in as much pain as we were about Miss Applebaum.Theresimplyseemedtobealotmorethandollarsignsinhereyes.
“Then you stay with her. You watch her suffer. You’re a couple of sons of bitches, that’s what you are,” Bernice hissed at us. She got into the elevator.
“You want her to die in this hellh
ole, well then, you’ve got it, you killers!”
Berniceburstintotears.Wewereshocked,andforthefirsttimewefeltBernice
actually loved and cared about Miss Applebaum. The elevator door closed and shewasgone.ZeldaandIwereleftstandingthereholdingtheChinesefoodwith
everyonelookingatus.WithoutsayingawordtoZelda,Iknewshewasthinking
and feeling exactly the same as me. It had just never really entered our minds
thatBernicecouldhavebeenactingoutofloveallalong.Everythingwasjustso complex.WehadjustwantedtothinktheworstaboutBernicebecausethatwas
theonlywaywecouldhaveanyhope.Wecouldn’tbehorriblekidsjustbecause
wewantedhope.Wejustcouldn’tbe.
ZeldaandIstartedwalkingslowlytoward9D.Andwefeltsobadthatthere
wasnothingtoprepareusforwhatwaswaitingforus.MissApplebaumwasin
thelastbedontheright,asusual.Herwindowstilllookedoutontothebrickair shaft.WeweresostunnedbyourencounterwithMissApplebaum’sniecethat
wedidn’tnoticethechangeinMissApplebaumuntilwereachedthefootofher
bed. In addition to her intravenous hook-up, they now had two tubes coming downoverherheadandattachedtohernostrils.Theotherendsofthetubesled
toanoxygentank.MissApplebaumlookedawful.
MissApplebaumtriedtosmile.
“We’vegotshrimpandlobstersauce,”Zeldasaid.
“And fortune cookies,” I added. I knew it sounded stupid, but I couldn’t be blamedforanywordsthatcameoutofmymouth.AndwhenMissApplebaum
spoke, all she said was, “Please buy me a small plastic fan? One that runs on batteries.Please?”Itwassuchastrangethingtoaskfor.
“Asmallfan,please...”