Indiscretions of Archie

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  INDISCRETIONS OF ARCHIE

  By P. G. Wodehouse

  It wasn't Archie's fault really. Its true he went to America and fell inlove with Lucille, the daughter of a millionaire hotel proprietor and ifhe did marry her--well, what else was there to do?

  From his point of view, the whole thing was a thoroughly good egg; butMr. Brewster, his father-in-law, thought differently, Archie hadneither money nor occupation, which was distasteful in the eyes of theindustrious Mr. Brewster; but the real bar was the fact that he had onceadversely criticised one of his hotels.

  Archie does his best to heal the breach; but, being something of an ass,genus priceless, he finds it almost beyond his powers to placate "theman-eating fish" whom Providence has given him as a father-in-law

  P. G. Wodehouse

  AUTHOR OF "THE LITTLE WARRIOR," "A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS," "UNEASY MONEY,"ETC.

  NEW YORK

  GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY

  COPYRIGHT,1921, BY GEORGE H, DORAN COMPANY

  COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE COMPANY (COSMOPOLITANMAGAZINE)

  PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

  DEDICATION TO B. W. KING-HALL

  My dear Buddy,--

  We have been friends for eighteen years. A considerable proportion of my books were written under your hospitable roof. And yet I have never dedicated one to you. What will be the verdict of Posterity on this? The fact is, I have become rather superstitious about dedications. No sooner do you label a book with the legend--

  TO MY BEST FRIEND X

  than X cuts you in Piccadilly, or you bring a lawsuit against him. There is a fatality about it. However, I can't imagine anyone quarrelling with you, and I am getting more attractive all the time, so let's take a chance.

  Yours ever,

  P. G. WODEHOUSE.

  CONTENTS

  I DISTRESSING SCENE IN A HOTEL II A SHOCK FOR MR. BREWSTER III MR. BREWSTER DELIVERS SENTENCE IV WORK WANTED V STRANGE EXPERIENCE OF AN ARTIST'S MODEL VI THE BOMB VII MR. ROSCOE SHERRIFF HAS AN IDEA VIII A DISTURBED NIGHT FOR DEAR OLD SQUIFFY IX A LETTER FROM PARKER X DOING FATHER A BIT OF GOOD XI SALVATORE CHOOSES THE WRONG MOMENT XII BRIGHT EYES-AND A FLY XIII RALLYING ROUND PERCY XIV THE SAD CASE OF LOONEY BIDDLE XV SUMMER STORMS XVI ARCHIE ACCEPTS A SITUATION XVII BROTHER BILL'S ROMANCE XVIII THE SAUSAGE CHAPPIE XIX REGGIE COMES TO LIFE XX THE SAUSAGE CHAPPIE CLICKS XXI THE-GROWING BOY XXII WASHY STEPS INTO THE HALL OF FAME XXIII MOTHER'S-KNEE XXIV THE MELTING OF MR. CONNOLLY XXV THE WIGMORE VENUS XXVI A TALE OF A GRANDFATHER

  CHAPTER I. DISTRESSING SCENE

  "I say, laddie!" said Archie.

  "Sir?" replied the desk-clerk alertly. All the employes of the HotelCosmopolis were alert. It was one of the things on which Mr. DanielBrewster, the proprietor, insisted. And as he was always wandering aboutthe lobby of the hotel keeping a personal eye on affairs, it was neversafe to relax.

  "I want to see the manager."

  "Is there anything I could do, sir?"

  Archie looked at him doubtfully.

  "Well, as a matter of fact, my dear old desk-clerk," he said, "I want tokick up a fearful row, and it hardly seems fair to lug you into it. Whyyou, I mean to say? The blighter whose head I want on a charger is thebally manager."

  At this point a massive, grey-haired man, who had been standing closeby, gazing on the lobby with an air of restrained severity, as if daringit to start anything, joined in the conversation.

  "I am the manager," he said.

  His eye was cold and hostile. Others, it seemed to say, might likeArchie Moffam, but not he. Daniel Brewster was bristling for combat.What he had overheard had shocked him to the core of his being. TheHotel Cosmopolis was his own private, personal property, and the thingdearest to him in the world, after his daughter Lucille. He pridedhimself on the fact that his hotel was not like other New York hotels,which were run by impersonal companies and shareholders and boards ofdirectors, and consequently lacked the paternal touch which made theCosmopolis what it was. At other hotels things went wrong, and clientscomplained. At the Cosmopolis things never went wrong, because he wason the spot to see that they didn't, and as a result clients nevercomplained. Yet here was this long, thin, string-bean of an Englishmanactually registering annoyance and dissatisfaction before his very eyes.

  "What is your complaint?" he enquired frigidly.

  Archie attached himself to the top button of Mr. Brewster's coat,and was immediately dislodged by an irritable jerk of the other'ssubstantial body.

  "Listen, old thing! I came over to this country to nose about in searchof a job, because there doesn't seem what you might call a generaldemand for my services in England. Directly I was demobbed, the familystarted talking about the Land of Opportunity and shot me on to a liner.The idea was that I might get hold of something in America--"

  He got hold of Mr. Brewster's coat-button, and was again shaken off.

  "Between ourselves, I've never done anything much in England, and Ifancy the family were getting a bit fed. At any rate, they sent me overhere--"

  Mr. Brewster disentangled himself for the third time.

  "I would prefer to postpone the story of your life," he said coldly,"and be informed what is your specific complaint against the HotelCosmopolis."

  "Of course, yes. The jolly old hotel. I'm coming to that. Well, it waslike this. A chappie on the boat told me that this was the best place tostop at in New York--"

  "He was quite right," said Mr. Brewster.

  "Was he, by Jove! Well, all I can say, then, is that the other New Yorkhotels must be pretty mouldy, if this is the best of the lot! I took aroom here last night," said Archie quivering with self-pity, "and therewas a beastly tap outside somewhere which went drip-drip-drip all nightand kept me awake."

  Mr. Brewster's annoyance deepened. He felt that a chink had been foundin his armour. Not even the most paternal hotel-proprietor can keep aneye on every tap in his establishment.

  "Drip-drip-drip!" repeated Archie firmly. "And I put my boots outsidethe door when I went to bed, and this morning they hadn't been touched.I give you my solemn word! Not touched."

  "Naturally," said Mr. Brewster. "My employes are honest"

  "But I wanted them cleaned, dash it!"

  "There is a shoe-shining parlour in the basement. At the Cosmopolisshoes left outside bedroom doors are not cleaned."

  "Then I think the Cosmopolis is a bally rotten hotel!"

  Mr. Brewster's compact frame quivered. The unforgivable insult had beenoffered. Question the legitimacy of Mr. Brewster's parentage, knock Mr.Brewster down and walk on his face with spiked shoes, and you did notirremediably close all avenues to a peaceful settlement. But make aremark like that about his hotel, and war was definitely declared.

  "In that case," he said, stiffening, "I must ask you to give up yourroom."

  "I'm going to give it up! I wouldn't stay in the bally place anotherminute."

  Mr. Brewster walked away, and Archie charged round to the cashier'sdesk to get his bill. It had been his intention in any case, though fordramatic purposes he concealed it from his adversary, to leave the hotelthat morning. One of the letters of introduction which he had broughtover from England had resulted in an invitation from a Mrs. van Tuyl toher house-party at Miami, and he had decided to go there at once.

  "Well," mused Archie, on his way to the station, "one thing's certain.I'll never set foot in T
HAT bally place again!"

  But nothing in this world is certain.