Evening Harold - The Free Lunch
Ollie Perks
EveningHarold.com
Prime offcuts from the first 12 months
Introduction
The Evening Harold has been the daily publication serving the village of Harold for the last 300 years. In March 2013, to mark the internet being available in the village for the first time, we decided to release the online version, EveningHarold.com , so it can be enjoyed by not only the residents of Harold, but also those in Dunstable and by the rest of the world. Since launching we have been viewed over one million times, gained many honorary villagers through our FaceBook page and have an unblemished record of losing every defamation case brought against us.
If you enjoy this free E-Book, please share it with your friends. It could be the best, yet cheapest present you have ever given. Cheapskate.
The Evening Harold is dedicated to our good friend, Quaz. He never got the chance to write for the Evening Harold, but has given more to it than anyone else.
All material produced within this E-Book is copyright of the respective authors and of EveningHarold.com as a whole. Reproduction in full or in part, including extracts and headlines is forbidden unless permission is granted by the author. Please direct any queries by e-mail to [email protected]. If you have read this far, well done. Reading the small print is good. You can stop now. That’s it.
Seriously, give up. We have nothing more to say.
©2014
Table of Contents
Entire village adopts niqab and declares it to be lovely4
Tesco’s self-serve checkouts become more realistic; now with added attitude6
Benefit claimants to be fracked for wasted energy8
Dr Evans’ Casebook: Are two bottles of wine a day really good for you?10
Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries11
Teenage Temptress to Teach Dogs Yoga13
Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones15
Small Ads 117
‘Campaign to reclaim words that have become rude’ is launched by US Judge David Minge18
High Pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps: more chi, less cheese20
Vandals target village ‘anal museum’ sign22
‘Dark Side’ Of Prostitution: Sex Workers: The Sex They Sell: Darkness: Dark Sex24
Derek Acorah crash ‘blamed on spirits’26
Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured28
Harry Styles releases new autobiography “What I’ve done since last Thursday”30
Harold Crosswords32
EDL clarify that “England for the English” includes their Asian mail-order brides33
Manchester United crisis deepens as glory supporters put in transfer request35
Local regrets shedding light on boy raised by moths37
Small Ads 239
School defends decision to have sixth form trip to Skyrim40
Gardener creates winning Royal Show topiary from wife’s pubic hair42
Korean Grand Prix: “Good in parts”44
Agony Aunt Brenda: Overhanging branches cast shadow over friendship with neighbour46
Terence Stamp returns for Bank Holiday Hide-and-Seek48
Police quiz immigrant family on parentage of ‘confused ginger man’50
From the Vicarage: Pennies from Heaven are beyond bailiff52
Man blames ‘faulty’ service station flowers for Valentine’s Day sex failure54
‘Mock the Week’ scoring fixed say Abu Hamza, Prescott, Bieber56
Crime Prevention tips: How to protect your house with a simple yet cheap weapon58
Entire universe is just a figment of Brian Cox’s imagination, scientists discover60
Lowry painting ‘Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)’ may be clever forgery, experts warn62
Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide64
And that’s your lot.66
Entire village adopts niqab and declares it to be lovely
Teenage lads lurking on the recreation ground: much less scary than when in hoodies and baseball caps.
Under ancient village law a proposal to ban wearing the niqab within the boundaries of Harold resulted in everyone wearing one.
“A couple recently moved to the village and in a first for this community she wears the niqab,” explained Councillor Nina O’Neill. “Unfortunately someone made a complaint to the council so we invoked Suck it and See a fourteenth century bylaw that states that for a week villagers have to engage in the activity being complained about in order to create an informed opinion.”
“I loved my niqab,” mechanic Sean Pavey told us. “It’s so comfortable and I totally let myself go. Didn’t shave and I went naked under it. The gentle breeze I got around my jumble-giblets was fierce refreshing.”
“At first I was reluctant to put one on,” said pensioner Doris Kettle. “It looks like such a gloomy thing but it’s fine. I thought they’d be a barrier to communication but the biggest barrier to communication I know is folks never looking up from their phones.”
Aspiring WAG nineteen year old Melanie Delaney said she felt liberated by covering up. “It was great to have people talking to me for once and not just staring at my tits.” Melanie who is 5’10 and weighs eight and half stone also said that she liked not feeling fat. “I’m such a blimp compared to the models in all the magazines I read. Being a niqabi sort of made me feel better about being so hideous.”
The woman whose wearing of the niqab ultimately caused everyone to do the same says that she is amazed and humbled by her new neighbours’ attitude.
“I’m the only woman who wears the niqab in Harold,” said Meya Begum. “I did get stares and comments. People said I was oppressed but it’s my choice. For me it’s an act of modesty that’s pleasing to my Creator, it’s a spiritual thing. It certainly wasn’t forced on me by my husband: he can’t even force the cat to stop jumping on the kitchen table.”
“It’s been very strange seeing a whole village of niqabis, especially male ones. I explained that the niqab is for women only but apparently the Suck it and See law means everyone has to be involved. I’m told that caused some real weirdness when they used it to settle the breastfeeding in public debate.”
When the week was over Mayor Rufus D. Jackson gave the official verdict:
“It is the finding of the village that niqabs are lovely and we say good luck to Mrs Begum and anyone else who wants to wear one. We will not be passing laws that force people to dress in certain ways or not dress in others. And anyone who doesn’t like it can bugger off to France.”
While most villagers have now reverted to their usual manners of dress some are reluctant to give up their niqabs.
“I’m keeping mine,” said satisfied niqabi, Alex Gates. “There are times when a man wants his face hidden. Now I can go out and by a copy of the Daily Express without embarrassment.”
By SHITSUTONKA2
Tesco’s self-serve checkouts become more realistic; now with added attitude
With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.
Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.
“But with this new one I had to press start 8 times and fake a little cough before it even acknowledged my existence. It’s like
there was a regular employee inside operating it”.
It’s not just the lack of basic manners that brings this machine into the realms of virtual reality, and like a good film, it takes a few runs to notice everything.
One of the prominent features include the sounds of gum being chewed. Although traditionally these stores don’t play music, you can now scan your items to the rhythmical sounds of mastication.
If the supermarket giant decide to roll out the checkouts to all their stores, the software will be updated to include the voice of a monosyllabic teenager to ask forced rhetorical questions such as ‘how are you?’, ‘can I help you pack you bags?’ and ‘do you have a clubcard’ , before letting out a huge sigh should you dare answer.
A small water jet just placed just above the screen will ensure the experience is also a physical one with simulation spit every third word.
“Sighing, tutting and swearing under it’s breath are the underlying qualities that the devolved tills are built on” manager Paul Watts told us. “And as they aren’t 18 years old yet, you’ll also have to wait 15 minutes for a supervisor to give powerful ‘nod of confirmation’ if you wish to buy a pack of ‘brandy snaps”.
By OlliePerks
Benefit claimants to be fracked for wasted energy
Laid-back protesters campaigning for energy conservation.
Harold’s Dr Evans has been selected to help trial a new combined health and domestic fuel supply initiative for people suffering from conditions such as obesity and laziness, based on the same technology used in fracking for shale gas.
“Government scientists think there could a lot of re-useable trapped energy in the bodies of people who don’t get enough exercise,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “especially the ones who are out of work and claiming benefits. Fracking fat, lazy people for the wasted energy they have selfishly trapped inside themselves is one way of helping them to give something back to society.”
The technique involves drilling into the patient, pumping in corrosive acids to break the body tissue apart and setting off explosions to dislodge trapped energy, which can then be collected in underground tanks and fed into the nation’s domestic fuel supply.
Critics of the technology say there is a risk that the corrosive acid could get into the patient’s blood and they could be traumatised by the internal explosions. As local psychologist Freya Anderson told the Evening Harold, “At the very least, it’s going to leave people feeling deflated.”
“It’s only a trial,” said Dr Evans, “and the whole project will probably be ditched when they realise it doesn’t achieve its goal.”
He cited his first case, involving a benefit claimant who came to his surgery suffering from trapped wind. “I managed to shift it just by explaining the procedure. What a relief that was.”
“What’s really needed,” said Dr Evans, “is some sort of mind-fracking on politicians, drilling into their thick skulls to relieve them of the crackpot ideas that get trapped in their heads. If only we could convert their crazy notions into energy, we could all have free heat and power forever.”
By Malgor
Dr Evans’ Casebook: Are two bottles of wine a day really good for you?
If there is one medical study that is constantly referred to in the press, it is the study that concludes that two bottles of wine a day has on going health benefits as well as increasing life expectancy.
As both a doctor and a wine drinker, I was as happy as everyone else that drinking had a scientific basis though I had to slightly modify my consumption from three bottles of finest French red a day to two. Of course these things can never be an exact science so I allow myself a few extra bottles on special occasions such as my birthday, the anniversary of my divorce from Sally, and Fridays.
But I’m embarrassed to say that recently I had a bit of a wobble and started to doubt the accuracy of the two bottles of wine a day study. It sounds silly now but I wondered whether my blotchy complexion, headache, and pain in my tummy could be related to my drinking, probably because my birthday fell on a Saturday and I had two days of increased consumption in a row.
Of course the science doesn’t lie and I was pleased to find that my symptons quickly disappeared after I popped a couple of aspirin and had a liver transplant.
Although I turned out to be fine, I think some caution should be exercised over the two bottles of wine recommendation. If you are either pregnant or are a bit of a wowser, it may be best to stick to a bottle and a half just to be on the safe side.
Cheerio!
Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries
Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?
Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.
The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.
Although the archive release was scrutinised by experts, it is understood that the Baldrick poem was approved after a clerk recalled hearing Education Secretary Michael Gove referring to Baldrick in relation to the Great War, and assumed that he was of contemporary cultural significance.
A spokesman for the National Archive tried to laugh off the gaffe with a bigger gaffe by saying “Someone’s going to be shot for this”, which created a immediate storm on social media for its insensitivity.
Undaunted, the Imperial War Museum has said that they wouldn’t let the mistake mar their own forthcoming commemoration of the start of the First World War, promising that their authentic trench experience will show how the troops entertained themselves by balancing slugs on their upper lips and sticking pencils up their noses whilst wearing army underpants on their heads. The authentic canteen will feature ratatouille with real rat and beverages will include trench cappuccino with real Flanders mud and improvised chocolate.
The poem in full:
The German Guns by Pte S O Baldrick
Boom, boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom.
By Stan Laurel
Teenage Temptress to Teach Dogs Yoga
Upward-facing dog
Some have called the idea ‘barking mad’, others think she’s bitten off more than she can chew, but local teen Melanie Delaney hopes that her latest business idea won’t be dogged with problems.
Harold resident Melanie (19) who was once almost mistaken for Paris Hilton is a self-taught yoga instructor with high hopes of success. After watching her pet Chihuahua, Mr Pips, contort himself into a series of amazing postures while attempting to lick his own bottom, Melanie was inspired to create yoga classes just for man (and woman’s) best friends.
Speaking exclusively to The Evening Harold, Melanie told us, “I watched Mr Pips one morning, as I was awaiting a call-back for a personal appearance as Paris Hilton-alike, when I realised that what he was doing was almost yoga like in its nature. When he managed to bend so far around that he could lick his own stinky-bum-bum, I realised that I could devise some wonderful postures to maintain doggy suppleness and well being.”
The attractive and lithe blonde continued, “After that, I began to watch my little darling more closely and noticed that when he stretched after a little nap, it was exactly like he was going into the ‘Downward Dog’ posture, and when he cocks his little leg for a pee, it’s almost as though he’s attempting one of the more complicated positions. No wonder he’s such a little angel, he’s achieved inner serenity. I thought of all the horrible, nasty, snarly, bigger dogs in the village who often try to snap and bite at my
little precious and it was like a ‘Eureka’ moment as it dawned on me that they needed to have their Chakras rebalanced, and what better way to achieve that peaceful state than through specially designed yoga classes for dogs?”
Melanie will be taking block bookings for classes from dog owners in Harold over the next few weeks, and hopes to have her classes up and running by the end of this month, just as soon as she’s worked out when best to avoid a clash with the Cat Zumba classes.
Any interested parties should contact Melanie directly via the number available in the village’s newly reopened phone box or pic up a leaflet and application form from Melanie’s parents café, Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!
Melanie has, however, asked us to point out that only pedigree dogs will be accepted to the classes, and a valid Kennel Club six-generation pedigree certificate must be submitted with the application.
By JeniB
Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones
Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.
Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.
“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.”
