Burdening the Fear

BURDENING THE FEAR

  by Nobo13

  Copyright 2014 Nobo13

  *****

  Burdening The Fear

  For a long time I had seen this coming. Her soft tender kiss, and the whisper in my ear. The night was cold, so her breath was like fire. I awoke to realise I was seeing the future again.

  *****

  I stared blankly as I recalled when I last had a vision. Since as far as I can remember, I could see the future. I could see events of my life before they happen. The death of my dad, the day I found out my mother was addicted to drugs, the birth of my nephew, all of these have yet to happen however, I have seen them, I’ve been there and experienced them.

  She turned to me and laughed. I wasn’t sure why I was telling her all this but I was. I have seen her before. Even before we met, I had waited forever for this day to come.

  ‘You’re crazy’ she smiled. I have seen her smile before, but it didn’t prepare me for the sight I saw before me now. I understood why my heart longed for this meeting right away.

  ‘It’s true,’ I replied, ‘I’ll prove it’

  We took off to the back of the school and we kissed. I had never kissed anyone before yet it felt so familiar. I had kissed those lips a million times in my visions but nothing beats the real thing.

  I knew deep down though, that dreaded day would come. A cold night with frost hurting my face. Nothing but a gloved hand warmed my cheeks as a tender last kiss was shared. A whisper in my ears before I wake up to realise I was seeing the future again.

  *****

  I knew what unfolded before me. I never used it for good or evil, I thought it was best to pretend it was like being good at sports or something.

  She laughed and asked why. I thought for a second before I remembered what I said to her before in a vision.

  ‘Knowing too much hurts,’ as I said that, I realised the meaning behind those words I’ve heard a thousand times before, ‘Knowing too much hurts… I’ve seen too many things. I wouldn’t be able to bear all that burden if it wasn’t for you’

  As I said that, she wept and held my hand. I squeezed it like in my visions. It was only now I felt saved. All this time, I knew she would be the one to save me, and finally I felt a weight being lifted.

  I leaned in to kiss her as the cold winter night hurt my cheeks. She brought her hand up as I felt the cotton gloves warm my swollen eyes. We shared a tender kiss that seemed so familiar. She pulled me in and whispered into my ears. What? What did she say?

  I awoke to realise I was seeing the future again. How many days were left until it will happen? How long do we have left together?

  *****

  I cried as I felt the burden of fear become too much. I called her and she came over. It was the first time she came to my house, yet I felt like she has lived here for years. I wondered whether that was my visions or because I loved her.

  We made love like awkward children finding love for the first time. I held her and whispered into her ear for her to stay. She never replied but fell asleep in my arms.

  I felt like the world revolved around me. I felt like the happiest person in the world. I loved her, and she loved me. Even visions of the future couldn’t compare to this.

  I brushed her hair back to realise she was crying. I realised she couldn’t bear it. She wanted to let me go. I leaned in as we shared a tender kiss in the cold winter night. I started crying as her gloves wiped them away. She kissed me one last time before whispering something into my ear.

  ‘Let me go’

  I woked up to realise I was seeing the future again. I breathed hard and tried to catch my breath. What was that? I shook my head and forced the sweat off my face.

  I decided to tell her the next day. I pulled her aside and told her my secret. I told her I could see the future. She laughed and told me I was crazy. I fell in love again when I saw that smile. I had seen it thousands of times before, but now that I could see it for real, it saved me a little.

  That week we went into town and did some shopping. I wasn’t sure why but the sight of gloves scared me more than I could understand.

  *****

  I rested my head on her belly. She giggled as my hair ran along her bare skin. I tried to undo her underwear but she kicked me off the bed. I groaned, as the pain in my visions became a very real thing. I knew I would bruise my wrist, but it still hurt.

  ‘Are you ok?’ she gasped

  ‘I’ll be fine’ I smiled, ‘In a week or two, it’ll be healed up’

  ‘It’s going to get cold soon though, you know you don’t handle the cold well’

  ‘I’ll be fine…’

  I dreaded the winters. I kept thinking would it be this winter? Or the next? How long do we have left? I never told her. Maybe it was this lonely burden that ate my heart up. I threw away every glove she had to stop my future coming any closer. I stood powerless though, to the forces of time.

  She spoke from across the street as I ran over. She had been crying. I knew it because she always hid her face with her hair. I brushed it back and wiped her tears away.

  ‘What happened?’ I said

  Her face swelled with sadness as she kissed me one last time. She leaned in and whispered into my ear.

  ‘You’ve got to let me go. There’s nothing you can do’

  I woke up to realise I was seeing the future again. I turned as I watched her sleep. I ran my fingers through her hair to reassure myself. I felt it. It was soon. She was going to leave me soon.

  *****

  I held some cotton gloves in my hands. I brushed them against my cheeks and immediately I knew it was them. My feet went as I grabbed the table top to stop my fall. I breathed hard and swallow. Please don’t be today! Please! I shook as she came in.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ she smiled

  ‘Nothing’ I said under my breath

  I didn’t look her in the eye. I walked out into the winter air. For a long time now, I was burdening the fear of this day. I screamed out in rage. As if that would stop time and make things better. I laughed as the lack of appropriate clothing drowned me in cold.

  I stayed away from the house and home we built together. I counted the years we spent together. The years I spend in fear. The days I counted as the world became darker and darker. Now there was no light for me. Nothing could save me.

  I felt my phone vibrate. I knew it would be her. I read the test message and realised it wasn’t her usual self. What little courage I had left over, I mustered up to meet her.

  The sun fell before I found her. She called for me from across the streets. I walked up to her knowing she had been crying. Since before we met, I knew she had the habit of hiding her face with her hair. I loved that about her.

  I pulled the thin strands away as her red eyes met mine. I wiped her tears as my fingers met her cold cheeks. I remember this. I’ve seen it a thousand times already yet, seeing it now split my soul in two.

  ‘What happened?’

  She shook her head

  ‘What happened? Tell me’ I spoke softly

  ‘I’ve been seeing a doctor recently,’ she started before pausing to weep, ‘They said I’ve got something in my spine

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.

  ‘They think it’s cancer. They said I didn’t have a good chance’

  I felt a fire run down my cheeks. She brought her hands to my face. Those damn gloves met with me as I felt all my hatred of them leave me. Instead, those gloves offered a crutch that stopped me from falling any further.

  She tried to smile and leaned in to kiss me. My body stopped moving as she leaned in to whisper into my ear.

  ‘You’ve got to let me go. There’s nothing you can do’

  I stepped back and lo
oked her in the eye. I felt my body and soul tear apart as my mind broke into a million pieces. Those pieces fell for years before becoming whole again. When they did, I awoke to realise what I was.

  I hadn’t seen the future. I came from there. In the end, I wasn’t burdening my fears. I was running away from them all this time. She wasn’t the one to leave me. I was the one. I was the one who left her.

  I cried and cried a broken soul. Knowing that tomorrow, her smile would save me like thousands of times before.

  ###

  About the author

  “I’ve come to realise, someone I know may be reading this. These are like private thoughts when I think about it. So it’s embarrassing if they read this.

  Anyway, the idea of this story comes from my own fear. Since October (It’s December now) I’ve been thinking of my students. I have a group of very bright individuals that I love but I’ve realised I have to say goodbye to them one day soon. I am dreading that day, because a few of them have saved me in a way. I keep thinking it’s unfair that I can only be a part of their lives for a couple of months. So when that day comes, I don’t know what I’ll do. Would I run away? Or maybe accept we have to part? I can only hope I have no regrets when that day comes…”

  For those who are tragically obsessed, Nobo13 was born 1987 in Cambridgeshire. He spent four years doing a Physics degree but spend most of the time doodling and writing. Currently he is somewhat of a teacher.

  Nobo13’s pen name is derived from using his surname, just look above! His more unusual hobbies are collecting headphones, yoyos, staring aimlessly out the window (which consumes much of his time) and messing about with musical instruments- at the moment these are ocarinas and ukuleles.

  Please check out my website and my other works, thanks for reading!

  More from this author

  I currently have a poetry book, two short story book- that only use 50 words in each story, and a children’s sci-fi book that are available from the following links:

  The Man in the Desert:

  Lost in the Painting

  Fixing Broken Promises

  The Empty Necklace

  Time left over

  You can also search ‘nobo13’ in the iBooks store!

  Be sure to check my website every now and then for news and updates!

  Connect with me online

  My website: https://www.wix.com/nobo13/nobo13

  My blog: https://nobo13.wordpress.com/

  My Twitter page: https://twitter.com/#!/lazynobo13

  My Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/nobo13