SOAP OPERA UNCENSORED: ISSUE 9, Page 5

(Deidre Hall! Drake Hogestyn! Matt Ashford! Lisa Rinna!) and the sets have finally been modernized. Lesson here: If eternally floundering DAYS can improve and rebound, well, anything is possible! DAYS may be known for its myriad back-from-the-dead tales, but the greatest resurrection has been its own. Welcome back, Salem. We missed ‘ya!

  10. ANDREA EVANS, ONE LIFE TO LIVE/THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

  You can go home again: After her shamefully written comeback in 2008, few trusted head writer Ron Carlivati to pen Andrea Evans’ final comeback to the role that made her a superstar, fashion risk taker, and a critical darling. But Carlivati made up for the aforementioned debacle and penned one of the best exit storylines and comebacks in daytime history for our beloved Evans. Selfish Tina popped back into Llanview to score her recently deceased brother, Victor’s, fortune, but later found herself atoning for her past transgressions and sins. In the process, our favourite vamp finally grew up while maintaining her bubbly personality. It was simply perfection from start to finish. But this A-list return almost didn’t happen! Months before, Evans found out she had breast cancer and was undergoing chemo to kill the first-stage disease. In true survivor form, Evans won the war and returned to Llanview looking more beautiful, sexier, and sassier than ever. Simply, Evans and Tina’s fun yet cathartic return was the very definition of inspiring.

  A very well-deserved honourable mention goes out to daytime’s nicest and most generous show runner, Bradley Bell, Evans’ B&B boss, for allowing one of his favourite stars to return home to the competition before One Life’s sun set forever. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you Mr. Bell, and we will be forever indebted to you! Long live, Tina Lord! If Tina can change, well, any of us can. For an exclusive interview with Evans, scroll above to read this week’s must-read cover story.

  11. LORRAINE BRODERICK AND AGNES NIXON, ALL MY CHILDREN

  Better late than never: the beloved and talented super scribes were asked back as co-head writers to repair a decade of damage created by Brian Frons and his minions. Miraculously, in just a few short months, Broderick and Nixon managed to erase years of contrived plot, character malfunctions, and a complete and utter disregard for AMC’s iconic and socially relevant history. It was bittersweet, to say the least. Just as AMC was feeling like its perfect and funny self again, Pine Valley hiked to the soap heavens in one sensational, albeit inappropriate, cliffhanger (but that’s another story).

  12. JR MARTINEZ, ALL MY CHILDREN/DANCING WITH THE STARS

  Heroes come in all shapes, sizes, colours and vocations. But a soap star? Yeppers! Months after AMC was axed, ABC was wise to ask the beloved war vet to join Dancing With The Stars as a contestant. While no one really knew who the heck this novice actor was (soap fans did, natch), in a mere few hours over 20 million people fell in love with Martinez’s easy charm and fierce dancing skills, which were reminiscent of Mario Lopez’s. In the end, thanks to the support from the apparently irrelevant soap community, Martinez easily won the coveted Mirror Ball trophy — and the hearts of a country. What’s next? Heck, what about a Daytime Emmy Award? Or hosting duties? Hey, anything is possible now. But don’t forget where you got your start, buddy!

  13. KIM ZIMMER, ONE LIFE TO LIVE

  She may not have frozen her balls off in Peapack, N.J., this year, but Emmy winner Kim Zimmer managed to still craft a killer sound byte and dictate an enveloping story — no matter what medium she found herself waxing poetically on. With a killer, against-type performance as shady interloper Echo on One Life — and going head-to-head in an unforgettable bitch fight with fellow Emmy winner Erika Slezak — my Zimster found time to pen a refreshingly objective, painfully honest, unusually fair, and endearing, nostalgic memoir titled, “I’m Just Sayin’.” The addictive, candid tome (I read it all in one sitting; wearing red, of course) finally told the truth from Zimmer’s DUI, her long-rumoured feud with GL boss Ellen Wheeler (remember that mess?), and the countless triumphs she enjoyed. Moreover, the opening of the book has to be the best ledes I’ve read in any soap book, in fact. I’m Just Sayin’ is also quite possibly one of the most memorable soap memoirs ever written, right up there with 8 Years in Another World by Harding Lemay and Ellen Holly’s One Life. Brava! Who knew she could write, too? Just askin’!

  14. CHANDLER MASSEY, DAYS OF OUR LIVES

  These days, whenever fans learn a legacy character is a friend of Dorothy’s most of us groan — and run for the heterosexual hills, especially after years of being teased with prior promising depictions of gay youth. However, the stunningly beautiful and talented Chandler Massey, as Sami’s son, has been nothing short of riveting and fascinating to watch as Will Horton relies on bitchiness and alcohol to numb and distract from his real self. During the past few weeks, the phenomenal Massey has been stealing the show in one tour-de-force performance after another. It will not soon be forgotten. The best part? It’s just beginning. And the Emmy Award goes to…

  15. CATHERINE HICKLAND, ONE LIFE TO LIVE

  File this under #Winning: The hypnotic Catherine Hickland was the first star to express her anger with ABC for purposely destroying AMC and One Life — and called them out in podcasts, interviews, and on social media. Hell hath no fury like a former soap star scorned. She told the cold hard truth, and proved honesty is the best policy… especially when ABC uncharacteristically invited her back to reprise her One Life role as deranged criminal Lindsay Rappaport. And just like that, all was right with the world. Because of her unrivalled courage, integrity, and honesty more stars followed suit, but sadly, not enough. Speak up, kids! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. #OccupyDaytime

  HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

  HOOVER: For not sucking and pulling its entire ABC advertising after the foolish and vacuous net cancelled AMC and One Life.

  BRADLEY BELL: See Andrea Evans; and for winning his third consecutive Emmy Award for Best Drama Series, a feat only earned by two other shows: GH and Santa Barbara.

  JACOB YOUNG: For one hell of a performance during the final weeks of AMC. And for returning to his alma matter, B&B, as Rick Forrester the following Monday after AMC aired its last episode.

  DEBBI MORGAN: For killing it old-school style as Angie learned of her husband’s deceit, her baby’s death and grappling with her blindness. Later, Morgan hit the ground running on Y&R as Harmony and won fans over from the word “crack.”

  2011 FAST-FORWARD:

  HALL OF SHAME

  1.ABC/DISNEY AND BRIAN FRONS

  For the above mentioned, “I” is the most important word in the English dictionary. We’re on to your reindeer games. You will regret this, that I can promise.

  2. PROSPECT PARK

  For lying to the soap fans about resurrecting AMC and One Life online for months, and blaming unions and Susan Lucci for your own failure to achieve said goal. Also, leaking details to the mainstream press and ignoring the soap press. When a reported new deal was offered to ABC/Disney to lease the licensing rights for both soaps, Prospect once again revealed it was still trying to figure out a way to bring the shows to a platform. Yeah, right.

  3. GARIN WOLF, GENERAL HOSPITAL

  After replacing Emmy winner Bob Guza as Port Chuck’s head writer, Wolf lied in sheep’s clothing to the press ad nauseam stating he was returning the show to its non-violent roots (he didn’t), using the phrase “Sometimes they come back (no one of note did),” and for refusing to write any real plot except bad dialogue for the canvas. His most offensive act? Having resident psycho, Lisa, wield the show’s heroine Robin’s HIV+ blood as a weapon against the object of her obsession, Robin’s hubby, Patrick. With rumours circulating that Robin will die of AIDS when Kimberly McCullough justifiably checks out of the diseased soap, it’s not surprising at all that the over-hyped hack was replaced by real talent: One Life’s head writer Ron Carlivati. Hey, Garin: Sometimes they get fired. Apparently, you can’t cry wolf more than once.

  4. DENA HIGLEY, DAYS OF OUR LIVES

  Thank you, God! [Insert your Koo
l and the Gang CD here and play “Celebration” loud and proud, soapers] After penning one of the most horrifically bad years DAYS has ever experienced (Chloe’s a hooker; Carly’s a drug addict; Jenn’s heart was removed; Hope’s in an orange prison jumpsuit; and EJ falls in love with Nicole’s boring sister), executive producer Ken Corday got a clue and fired the alleged scabber and replaced the deadweight with real talent. It only took forever. Hopefully, it’s not too late.

  5. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA

  This year, the parasites and vultures came out to play! Oddly, for the first time in forever, the mainstream media decided to pay attention to the car wreck that is daytime by “reporting” news as the industry bleeds out in deathly despair as they quickly realized how many hits their stories could get online from passionate and loyal soap fans. However, these corpse chasers irresponsibly believed anything the shady networks told them without any fact checking or concern for the truth. Yes, I mean you Deadline.com, Entertainment Weekly, Variety and The New York Post. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for treating daytime, once again, differently than you do prime-time TV and film. Disgusting.

  6. MARIA ARENA BELL,