The Book of Awesome, Page 3

  But just as you're beginning to lose hope you eventually see them.

  It's your friends in the distance.

  And they're waving.

  AWESOME!

  Having a whole row to yourself on the plane

  It was like a mirage.

  There I was a few years ago, sitting in the middle seat of a plane set for take-off, an empty aisle seat to my right. I was belted in and cramped, and it just sat there vacant, while overhead bins were slamming shut, flight attendants were bringing out blankets, and passengers started thumbing mindlessly through in-flight magazine articles about exotic hotel lobbies.

  The plane looked full, the plane looked settled, so I quickly made my stealth ninjalike swap into the empty seat like a champion. I moved and sat there with a big smile, lots of elbow room, and my legs comfortably extended into the aisle.

  Truly, it was heaven.

  Then suddenly a big guy in a tight business suit lumbered down the aisle just heaving, sweat dripping down his forehead, tongue wagging out of his mouth like a dog, eyeing my row from a distance. I knew the jig was up, so I moved back to the middle seat as he settled in. Turns out he slept through his alarm and had to race to the airport. Nope, no time for a shower, just a full day's worth of grease on his glistening neck. I voluntarily sacrificed the armrest when his forehead began dripping on me and then tried to enter a cocoon-like state of flying hibernation, covering myself in a blanket, crossing my arms and legs, and trying to go to sleep.

  And that's sort of how most plane rides go for me.

  But every so often, every once in a while, I'll end up on a pretty empty plane and score an entire row to myself. And that's when the perks start piling up. You know how it is:

  * Pee freely. Yup, get up and go whenever you like, because you won't need to awkwardly limbo past anyone's drink tray. Bonus: no awkward crotch-in-the-face moments.

  * Window and aisle. It's great looking out the window, but unfortunately the person sitting closest generally gets all window-shade rights. They may close the window completely or block the view when you want a peek. When you get your own row though, you get both.

  * Rest your arms. All armrests become yours for the taking. Left arm, right arm, it doesn't matter. There's no need to worry about getting the bump-off.

  * Go sideways. This isn't always easy, but you might be able to pull off the row nap, where you flip up all the armrests and turn three seats into a bed. Forget those pricey lie-down seats in first class--this here's the Econorest and it works just as well.

  Yes, having a whole row to yourself on the plane is a pretty sweet deal. You can almost pretend that you're magnificently rich and paid for the other seats just to buy yourself some breathing room. Because let's be honest: Flying ain't always a lot of fun and that extra elbow room can make the difference between three hours of misery and three hours of bliss.

  And that's something worth celebrating.

  AWESOME!

  Popping Bubble Wrap

  Okay, trivia time.

  What were the two inventors of Bubble Wrap trying to make instead of packaging material back in 1957 at the Sealed Air Corporation? Take a guess and let's see what you got before we reveal the answer in a just a jiffy.

  For the patient folks, let's chat for a moment about different ways to do the deed:

  1. Olde Time Classic. Your average pop. Just squeezing it in your hands with a satisfied smile on your face. Nothing flashy here, folks. Just a thumb, some fingers, and lots of satisfying pops.

  2. The Big Bang. A trickier move, this one requires delicately wrapping the unpopped Bubble Wrap into a tight ball and then hugging the whole thing against your body really hard. Do this before 10 p.m. so you don't wake the neighbors.

  3. Walk This Way. You'll need a large piece of Bubble Wrap for this one, likely from a new TV or fridge that got delivered to your house. Just pull the wrap out, lay it down on the floor, take off your socks, and . . . walk all over it. Walk back and forth, walk in circles, just don't stop the walking, because you can't stop the popping. When the pops slow down, you may have to inspect the wrap closely for any leftover bubbles and take care of those one by one.

  4. The Office Pop. Here's where you lay it down on the floor of your cubicle and roll over it with your office chair all afternoon. Believe me, your coworkers will love it.

  5. The Twister. Roll it up like a carpet and twist your hands in opposite directions really hard. When you're done, you'll have a nice well-popped area in the center of your wrap and will have to move on to a new section.

  6. Mini-Pops. Sometimes you expect to pull out a big, fat mess of Bubble Wrap and out comes a thin, little sheet of mini-bubbles instead. But sometimes that's all you get, man. So do a few mini-pops and enjoy it.

  My friends, loudly popping Bubble Wrap is a great joy in life. It's a satisfying stress reliever, a fun surprise, and a rare little moment to act like a kid during a boring day at the office or while unpacking after a hectic move.

  So, aren't you glad they made Bubble Wrap into packing material and not textured wallpaper instead?

  AWESOME!

  Being the first table to get called up for the dinner buffet at a wedding

  Weddings can go one of two ways.

  Either you're tight like twins with the bride or groom--a sibling maybe, college roommate, or grandmother. You're on The Inside, recommending photographers, hosting showers, renting tuxes, giving toasts. For you, the wedding is a great day, a proud moment, a chance to recognize and celebrate someone you love dearly.

  Or . . . you're on The Outside. You're the groom's doctor, the bride's new boss, or worst of all, the cousin-date. You're only there because it would have been rude not to invite you, so you RSVP past the deadline, squeeze into dress clothes from prom, and drink before the reception. You sit at the back table with a lot of people you don't know and introduce yourself to at least one half of the newly married couple late at night on the dance floor during a sweaty party song. "You look really great," you scream over the thumping beats, a nearly full beer swinging wildly in your hand. "I'm Cory, by the way! I work with Linda!"

  If you're on The Inside, the entire wedding is wonderful. You cry during speeches, take two hundred pictures, and dance until the lights come up, your hair sweat-glued to your forehead, big toes popping through fresh holes in your nylons at two in the morning.

  If you're on The Outside, you're scoping out bridesmaids, eating other people's wedding-favor chocolates, and ordering off the menu at the bar.

  When you're on The Outside, there is no greater wedding high than being the first table called up to the dinner buffet.

  Suddenly you're on The Inside, honorary winner of the prestigious Gets to Eat Before Everyone Else Award, dipping your ladle into Alfredo sauce before it films over, toothpicking meatballs before they congeal into sugary meat pyramids, and surgically removing the perfect first triangle of cheesecake before the dish gets gummed up with clumpy graham cracker paste and sticky cherry glue.

  It sure is a great feeling getting first dibs on that long table of piping hot stream trays. After all, it means you don't have to watch everybody else casually walk by you with full plates while you salivate and attempt to make small talk about where everybody is from and how beautiful the center-pieces look.

  Yes, if you're up first you walk back to your table a newly crowned king, sitting down at your chair-facing-the-bathroom-at-Table- 57 throne, lord and ruler of your much-too-loaded plate of rolled-up salami, potato salad, and gherkins.

  AWESOME!

  When someone lands on the hotel you just built in Monopoly

  Shelling out for that primo real estate on the corner lot ain't always easy.

  Yes, you may have to mortgage Electric Company or dip into that stash of hundreds hidden under the game board. But after you make your big investment, there's nothing finer than somebody landing right plum on it, right plum on their next turn.

  And there's always a new bit of tension on that f
irst roll after a hotel enters the game too. No more superquick circling and buying properties, collecting Get Out of Jail cards, and winning second place in beauty contests. No, now there's a hotel on the board and you enter Round 2 of Monopoly, where the haves and have-nots are quickly and ruthlessly divided.

  When someone lands on the hotel you just built, the first thing they do is get real quiet and quickly pass the dice to the next player, sort of hoping you don't notice that they're squatting on your joint.

  But you notice all right.

  And maybe you're even all polite and nonchalant about it too.

  "Oh, Marvin Gardens? Hold on a second, wait. Yeah sorry, uh, let's see here. That'll be $1,200, please."

  "What, seriously?"

  "Yeah, sorry. It's the hotel that does it." (passing the property card over for inspection)

  (inspecting property card) "That's crazy. That's like all my money. I might have to mortgage Baltic Avenue."

  "I'm sorry, man. I'll take all the railroads instead if you want."

  (disgusted) "What, no way! Then I'll just have Baltic and the blues. Forget it! That's crazy!"

  "Fine . . . $1,200, please."

  (angrily and slowly counting out and handing you a thick stack of hundreds, twenties, tens, fives, and ones that barely add up to $1,200, leaving them with only a few properties and two ten-dollar bills)

  AWESOME!

  Finding a mix tape given to you by an old boyfriend or girlfriend

  Stashed away in shoe boxes, basements, and broom closets around the world are some of our greatest treasures.

  That's where we might find old prom photos, expired driver's licenses, handwritten letters from faraway friends, or maybe, if we're really lucky, one of those beautiful gems known as a Love Tape.

  Love Tapes are simply any mix tape carefully put together by someone who like-likes you. Yes, that blurry, distant boyfriend or girlfriend probably spent hours timing everything to fit perfectly, waiting for songs to play on the radio, painstakingly scrawling out notes and drawings, and maybe, if you're lucky, even spraying it with a bit of perfume.

  Depending on your time frame, your mix tape may contain gems such as:

  1. The Righteous Brothers--Unchained Melody

  2. Extreme--More Than Words

  3. Bryan Adams--(Everything I Do) I Do It for You

  4. UB40--(I Can't Help) Falling in Love with You

  5. Whitney Houston--I Will Always Love You

  6. Meatloaf--I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)

  7. Celine Dion--My Heart Will Go On

  8. Bob Marley--Is This Love

  9. Boyz II Men--End of the Road

  10. Jewel--You Were Meant for Me

  11. Green Day--Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

  12. Cyndi Lauper--Time After Time

  13. The Bangles--Eternal Flame

  14. Rod Stewart--Have I Told You Lately

  15. LeAnn Rimes--How Do I Live

  16. Bon Jovi--Bed of Roses

  17. Guns N' Roses--November Rain

  18. Milli Vanilli--Girl You Know It's True

  19. Sinead O'Connor--Nothing Compares 2 U

  20. Mr. Big--To Be with You

  So search your heart. Search your soul. And when you find mix tapes there, you will search no more. So don't tell me they're not worth looking for. You can't tell me they're not worth hunting for. You know it's true.

  Everything mix tapes do.

  They do it for you.

  AWESOME!

  Picking the perfect nacho off someone else's plate

  No two nachos were created equal.

  When somebody offers you a nacho from their appetizer plate at a restaurant or while on the couch at home in front of a movie, you need to move fast:

  1. First up, quickly scan their entire plate. At what stage is this offer being made? Are you in the game when the plate is hot and full, or are we dealing with mostly crumbs and surplus jalapenos at this point? Size up the prize and give a quick yes or no.

  2. Now if you're going in, don't wait too long to make your move. If it's obvious you're putting too much thought into it, you'll come across as selfish. Definitely don't move any toppings around to build yourself a massive All-In Salad Nacho, but there's no need to pull out that bland, naked chip at the bottom of the Jenga stack either. You weren't offered crumbs and you don't deserve crumbs. Remember that.

  3. Next up, locate your prey and dive in. Everyone has their personal preferences, though I'm a big fan of 90-100 percent melted cheese coverage and about 25-50 percent salsa coverage. Any less cheese coverage and it's just taco shell to me. Any more salsa coverage and I feel like I'm drinking the stuff. And hey, if I grab an olive, green onion, or jalapeno, that's great too, but I don't push my luck. Lastly, for my money, you can keep that shredded lettuce. That's just grated water in my book.

  Bottom line: Know your tastes, size up the game, and dig in quickly. Mastering that perfect pick is a valuable life skill.

  Now go grab life by the nachos.

  AWESOME!

  The moment at a concert after the lights go out and before the band comes onstage

  You go early, you grab a drink, you buy a T-shirt, you find your seat or you edge up to the stage, you listen to the opening act, you people watch, you watch watch, you talk to your friends, you guess what songs they might play, and then the moment finally arrives: The background music fades down, all the lights suddenly go out, and there's total blackness.

  You feel a massive wave of anticipation sweep across the crowd, people stand up, raise their arms and scream, and everyone clamors for that first view of the band walking onstage.

  AWESOME!

  Finding out your birthday is on a Friday or Saturday next year

  Planning those Wednesday birthdays is tough.

  Do you party-back on the weekend before or party-forward to the weekend after? Either way, you'll get a lot of "So wait, when's your actual birthday?" questions, and you'll be forced to take a sip of your drink, smile pleasantly, and casually say, "Oh, just a couple days from now," or worse, "Oh, you know . . . two Wednesdays ago."

  That's just no fun.

  So if you're as self-centered as I am and the first thing you do when you get your greasy paws on a crisp, new calendar is flip right to your birthday, then you sure are loving it when that big day hits the Friday or Saturday Jackpot. Now it's on for so many reasons:

  * Save the date. No need to puzzle over when to throw the big bash. Just start planning it for that Friday or Saturday. You have no choice and no need to waffle.

  * Party Priority. It's true. When it's your actual birthday , your event moves way up the party priority list. Sure, you're still slightly below Friend's Wedding or Out-of-Town Guest, but you zoom up way higher than Poker Night or Sports Team Banquet.

  * More free drinks. Especially if you have a birthday party that starts the night before and kicks into high gear at midnight when you officially start celebrating. Hopefully you don't have to wear a tiara and a sash to keep those free shots coming.

  Yes, you know as well as I do that when that big day lands right on a Friday or Saturday, it opens up a world of celebration possibilities. Because now your birthday's going on, your birthday's going long, and your birthday's going strong, fool.

  Awwwwwww, yeah.

  AWESOME!

  Fixing electronics by smacking them

  My room was above the kitchen growing up.

  Late at night, lying in bed, I would listen to the creaks and cracks through the vents and floorboards. Oven burners wobbled and popped, distant thumps echoed from the furnace room, and the fridge cranked its whirring motor on and off whenever it pleased.

  It was always funny to me that during the day that fridge didn't put up much of a fight. If it started clinking and whirring, you just pounded it with your fist and it would stop. One hard punch to the kidneys of the thing and it just sort of whimpered and stayed quiet.

  Like The Fonz kicking the jukebox on H
appy Days, Grandpa smacking the TV during Wheel of Fortune, or a bandana-clad mom shaking the washer when the heavy towel load gets it rocking, there is something great about fixing electronics by smacking them.

  I mean, for once our instincts work. That doesn't always happen in nature. Slap a bear on the snout when it's picking through your trash and you might get a friendly mauling. Pull your brother's hair when he steals your Xbox controller and you could find your toothbrush tossed in the toilet. But when the CD is skipping in the car, a friendly smack might do the trick, so how about that?

  Also, it kind of makes you feel handy. I don't know about you, but I don't know much about electronics. I have no understanding of how telephones work, how airplanes take off, or how radio signals go about their day. I have trouble putting the chain back on my bicycle, resetting the microwave clock, or starting the barbecue. You should see me out there, turning the gas on and off, tossing in matches and jumping away, half-expecting the whole thing to blow up.

  But I'm not bad at smacking things. I can smack a computer, I can smack a dishwasher, and I've got a lot of experience if your fridge seems to be giving you trouble. So listen, if you're with me on this one, throw your hand up for a smacking high five and give cheers to your inner handyman.

  AWESOME!

  Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row

  I used to drive home from my friend Mike's basement apartment on this lonely two-lane road. It was always late at night and I'd roll down the windows so that the cold country-time air could help keep me awake. The air smelled like a cologne Beetlejuice might wear--a tangy combination of fresh manure, foggy dew, and squashed skunk.