Jules: So how did court go?
me: The judge gave me everything.
Jules: Like...Kylie and the car?
me: Like the Order of Protection, Kylie, the car, and...the house.
Jules: You got the house!?
me: Yes. And I was feeling badly about it...until he turned my phone off.
She laughed. I chuckled.
me: Of course, you realize I’m still homeless. How can I live there?
Jules: You have an Order of Protection.
me: I don’t have a lot of faith in those. I don’t know what his thoughts are like these days. this man...this Shane...he’s a wild card.
Jules: Are you sure that you don’t want to stay in the house? Think of Kylie. She would be able to continue therapy. It would be good for her to keep her familiar surroundings.
me: I know that, but I am thinking of Kylie. First, the house isn’t secure. There are broken windows. It would take a good week to order new glass for the windows to be repaired. That costs money I don’t have.
Jules: I can lend you more money.
me: It’s not just about that. Even if I get the window repaired, he knows how to break into homes. He worked for a maintenance company once and had to break into homes all the time to do emergency water shut offs for broken pipes. I know he could get in here without an ounce of effort.
Jules: So what will you do?
me: I was thinking I’d get my things from the house, then go visit Grace until the final court date. From there...I might go be with you to get myself together if that’s still a possibility...just for a little bit before I go to Florida to stay with my mom.
Jules: Of course. Just let me know.
Once we ended our call, I phoned Brynn to let her know I was on my way. It would be a quick visit today to pick up Kylie. I knew I had Lily waiting on me so we could take a walk before making dinner. And I had some planning to do. I wasn’t sure when I would be able to get back in the house. I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to stay with Grace. They traveled a lot. Of course, since they had just returned from Italy, there was a good chance they’d be home for a bit.
The drive gave me a moment to think. I wondered what Shane would do next, worried over him being served and evicted. I would be well within my rights to have a nervous breakdown, but honestly, who had time for that? I certainly didn’t.
When I finally made it back to Lily’s house with Kylie, she was waiting for me.
Lily: So how did it go? And do you still want to go for a walk?
me: Yes. Why don’t we talk while we walk?
Honestly, I get so tired of talking about the same thing over and over again. It’s exhausting. This is all taking up too much time in my head. That’s why I write every night. I have to get it out so I can go on. If I had to hold it all in, I really might lose it. At the same time, I’m so blessed to have so many people who care. It’s nice to know I’m loved.
So, we loaded the babies in strollers after Lily changed. I didn’t have the shoes for a long walk, so we decided to do the short walk with me still in those super comfortably, but not always practical flip-flops. Naturally, we had to take pictures. I would have posted them to Facebook...but with no data package, that wasn’t going to happen.
We started our walk while Lyle settled in to have a beer with the neighbor next door. I love these guys. They are these peace loving hippie types. Life with them is so calm, so simple. They are so easy to be around. It helped me so much. As soon as we were out of earshot, Lily spoke.
Lily: Okay, Lyle can’t hear us now. I don’t know if I told you, but he was worried that Shane would try to come over, since he knew you were here.
me: Why would that worry him? He’s a black belt. He and Shane have sparred plenty of times.
Lily: Yeah, but with his injured finger, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to defend us if it was necessary.
me: Honestly, Lily, I don’t know that he’s in any condition to go anywhere. He wasn’t when I left. From what I’ve gathered, he’s been holed up in the house.
Lily: Oh yeah?
me: Yeah. Lola said she’d let me know if he left. She hasn’t called, so he must not have left.
Lily: Well, that’s good I guess.
me: No. I think he’s in a really bad place. I’ve never seen him like this.
Lily: So, he makes you and Kylie homeless and you are worried about him.
I shrugged. How do you turn love off like that? We married in the mountains at sunset beneath a covered dock on Fontana Lake. It had been a destination wedding that we shared with just our closest family and friends. I had planned every detail with Shane’s approval, right down to the Irish handfasting ceremony we used for our vows. I remember bits and pieces. At the time, I was so focused on Shane, his face, his hands, that I didn’t soak everything in like I normally would. As I recall...
We had vowed to share our laughter, to look for the brightness and life and the positive in each other. When had all of that ended?
We had promised to share each other’s pain and seek to ease it. Yet lately, he seemed to be causing me pain without considering that he should make it better.
We had sworn to share each other’s burdens so that our spirits could grow in this union. Only, lately he had been a burden without easing mine.
We were supposed to dream together to create new realities and hopes. Somehow, we had forgotten those shared dreams, forgotten to work toward them together. Instead, we seemed to be chasing separate dreams on our own.
Most of all, we had claimed that we would take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of our union. Shane’s anger had only shattered it.
Still, I didn’t know how to let go, to stop caring for this man I had given my whole heart to, only to have him break it time and again any number of ways. I didn’t know how to make an outsider understand that. How could I make Lily see, when all she knew was that Shane had changed into someone far less likeable that they no longer wanted to be friends with.
Lily: So what are your plans now? Going back home?
me: Just to get what I need. I’m hoping to stay with Grace until the next court date. Then I’ll go be with Julia for a bit before I land at my mom’s in Florida.
Lily: That’s a good plan.
I nodded and smiled. Yup. I’m a planner. Life was starting to feel more stable. I could finally make plans.
It was still close to 8pm when we finally managed to finish making the meal. Honestly, now, hours later, I can’t remember what it was. It wasn’t terrible. It’s just that for the first time in a long time, my meal took a backseat to everything else happening at the time. See, seconds later, the phone rang. According to the name on the screen, it was my sister. She never calls, so I knew it had to be important.
Anna: I just thought you should know that mom had a stroke today. She’s in the hospital.
I froze. I was already tense and this...shocked me. Mom is only 67. It’s not like she’s ancient.
me: Is she okay? What happened?
Anna: Well, she was about to take a shower when her legs gave out. She fell on the floor and laid there for several hours before she could crawl back to bed. She had her phone, but she couldn’t remember how to make a phone call. So it was a while longer before her friends came looking for her and called an ambulance. Then they called me.
me: Oh my God! This is terrible. Wait, did you tell Brynn?
Anna: Yes, I told Brynn. My point is...I can’t go back down right now. I just came back from moving her in. She’s only been there a couple of weeks.
me: I was planning on visiting, but I’m not sure I can go now.
Reluctant to share my problems and cause her any more stress, I wasn’t going to reveal my situation at the moment.
me: Does she have her phone? Will I be able to talk to her?
Anna: Yes. I’m just not sure that she will be able to talk.
me: Okay. Well, I’ll give her a call. Thank you.
Minutes
after I hung up the phone and finished explaining what had happened with my mother to Lyle and Lily, my phone rang again. I didn’t recognize the number, but given the circumstances, I wasn’t in a position to be screening my phone calls.
me: Hello?
deputy: Is this Nina Powers?
me: Yes.
deputy: I’m at the house to serve Shane Powers. Are you here?
me: No.
deputy: Is he here, do you know?
me: Not sure. Is there a silver truck in the driveway?
deputy: Yes.
me: Then he’s there.
deputy: Any dogs or guns I need to worry about.
me: No. How long does this take? When will it be safe for me to come back?
deputy: I’ll have the house cleared in half an hour.
me: That soon? Thank you.
After I ended the call, I sort of breathed a sigh of relief. Sort of. It felt too...easy. I wasn’t really planning on going back until morning, and I wasn’t planning to stay there, but I still needed to go back at least for a few hours.
My next call was to Lola.
me: Okay. The deputy is serving Shane now. I’ll be back later.
I may have been vague, but so were my plans. Once again life was up in the air in some respects.
Lola: Great. I’ll stop by when you get here. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
me: Thank you. I will.
It occurred to me that I was doing a lot of thanking lately. How lucky was I?
So I talked with Lily and Lyle, trying to decide upon my next step.
Lily: Do you want to go back tonight?
For a moment, I considered it. Though it had only been two nights, I was already tired of the floor. Many times I had joked that I was too old for camping because I didn’t need to be sleeping on the ground. I felt the same way about living room carpet.
me: I think so. I doubt he’d come back tonight. That would give me a chance for an early start in the morning.
The idea had merit. It was growing on me the longer we discussed it.
Lily: You know, I get off early tomorrow...11am. I could come help you and then we could grab lunch.
me: I’d love that. Thank you!
See. More appreciation.
We finished eating, although what I did at that point was more like picking...and clock watching. After everyone had eaten, I helped clean up from dinner. Just after I finished loading the dishwasher and putting away leftovers, my phone rang once more. It was Lola.
Lola: Don’t come home.
me: What?
Lola: Shane came back. He’s at the house. His truck is in the driveway. Stay where you are!
me: No. He wouldn’t do that…
Only I wasn’t sure any more. I ended that call in a hurry before I called the deputy who had served him. Maybe Shane was in no condition to drive and someone else had driven him. That was a possibility. Lola had mentioned that he hadn’t left. She didn’t tell me whether or not others had come over. Maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe he’d already had a bunch of sleepovers with exes.
deputy: How can I help you?
me: This is Nina Powers. You served my husband, Shane, just a few hours ago. Did he drive away in his truck?
deputy: Silver truck? Yes. I followed him out of the neighborhood after explaining the Order of Protection.
me: Well, his truck is in the driveway and the lights are on. My neighbor called and told me not to come home. What should I do?
deputy: Call the police.
me: I thought I had called the police.
deputy: I’m on the other side of town. You don’t want to wait that long. Call 911.
Seriously. Before this, I had never called 911 ever. Now, I was calling it twice in one week. My life was beyond surreal. Thus, I was waiting for a dispatcher to answer seconds later.
dispatcher: This is 911. What is your emergency?
me: I have an Order of Protection that was served tonight. My husband has gone back to the house already. I’m not there, but I was planning on returning. Can you send someone there so I can go back home?
dispatcher: Sure. Let me contact the nearest officer.
The waiting began. I didn’t know what was going to happen next. It was crazy. My life had turned into some soap opera. I don’t even like soaps!
In the meantime, I tried to get some writing assignments completed. While they wouldn’t pay right away, they would eventually and that would have to be enough. It was always good to have something to look forward to. Kylie was playing with Isaac, bouncing him in his seat. Lily and Lyle were sitting on the couch watching television. From the kitchen, I could see it all, but I didn’t feel a part of anything. My mind was a million places, wondering what would happen next.
At just after 10pm, the police called me from the house.
me: An Order of Protection was served and my husband has already violated it.
officer: Ma’am, he says he has no idea what we’re talking about. He says he hasn’t been served.
Again, I found myself expelling an enormous sigh.
me: I was on the phone with the deputy at 8pm when he was serving it. Don’t take my word for it. Call the deputy. He’ll tell you. I happen to have his number.
Then I shared the number while listening to the officer write it down.
officer: Okay. I’ll give him a call. Thank you.
As soon as we hung up, I wished I had asked him what was going to happen. I wanted to know. I needed to feel safe so I could help Kylie feel secure. This was the day that wouldn’t end. Every time I thought life was going to finally calm down, it seemed to just spin more wildly out of control. Oh, and the waiting. I suck at waiting.
Lily: So, why don’t you stay here tonight?
me: It looks like I don’t have any other options. Sorry. I thought you two were actually going to get some alone time.
Lily: I just can’t believe he already broke the order.
All I could do was nod sadly. What was going on with Shane? Why would he do this? I couldn’t believe he would risk going back to jail. It just didn’t make sense. Then Lola called.
Lola: I’m on my way to bed, but I thought you might want to know what’s happening.
me: Absolutely. What’s going on?
Lola: Well, he’s in the back of a police car. They have him cuffed. He’s calm and talking to them.
The picture that created in my mind hurt my heart. No wonder I found myself bursting into tears yet again. Before this, I never would have labeled myself as the overly emotional type. Although I am sure that Shane would have argued that.
Lola: So, I’m going to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.
me: Okay. Thank you. *sniffle*
After the call ended, I found myself curled up on the floor with Kylie. She was sound asleep, blissfully unaware of the drama that was unfolding around her. I could feel Lily and Lyle staring at me as tears dripped down my face.
me: He’s in a police car. He’s going to jail.
Lily: He should. He disobeyed the order.
me: I bet he hates me. I bet he thinks I tried to steal his house. I bet he thinks I’m thrilled he’s going to jail. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of it. I know he’s done some terrible things lately, but he’s still my husband. I hate this so much.
They didn’t really know what to say after that. Who can blame them? It’s not like Hallmark makes a card for this. Strange because their Sorry Your Husband Lost His Damn Mind line could be huge. After about ten minutes of silence, I had dried my eyes and immersed myself in my online world. Speaking quietly, Lily tried one last time to cheer me up on her way to bed.
Lily: Don’t worry, Nina-banina. I still love you.
I gazed up at her for a moment, tried really hard to smile, but in the end merely nodded while tears filled my eyes. She looked totally exhausted...and yet she
was still determined to cheer me up. Man, I love her. I really have the best friends. So, I was alone in the living room, waiting to see if the phone would ring, if anyone was going to let me know what was going on with Shane. Finally, I gave up and laid down on the floor. The laptop was opened to the Sheriff website. I had typed in Shane’s name in the arrest inquiry and kept refreshing it to see if he was in jail. Somehow, in the middle of that, I managed to fall asleep.
The moment the sun began to stream through the filmy curtains, I woke up and reached for my laptop and my cell phone. I had to know what happened last night after I fell asleep. Sure enough, I had missed a phone call at 1:30am from a number that was remarkably similar to the other officer phone numbers. Despite calling it back right away...at 6am, no one answered.
After logging into the laptop once more, and refreshing the pages, I had my answer. In bright blue letters on a plain black screen was Shane’s name. Once I clicked on it, his mugshot appeared. The first thing I noticed was that he was dressed out in the jail orange scrubs. The way his jaw jutted out in defiance was the second. His eyes were cold and angry. Burying my face in my hands, I rocked back and forth for a moment.
Day after day, I wondered how did we get here? This was crazy. I didn’t know what to do any more. According to the site, he was still in jail. He had a hearing at 9am for bail. So, I had to put my plans on steroids.
Lily wandered out into the living room with Isaac before I even made it off the floor. Pointing to the laptop, I showed her the picture.
Lily: Oh, man.
That pretty much summed it up. Then she asked the question I had no answer for.
Lily: What are you going to do? Are we still on for meeting at the house and lunch?
me: Yeah. Thank you.
That part couldn’t change. Still, it wasn’t safe for me to be at the house. He could, theoretically, make bail any time. My guess would be that a night in jail had only given him time to ruminate on how horrible I am. He could be seething. I just couldn’t take that chance.