Part of what ailed me was that I am a planner. I live for it. While I’m more than adept at flying by the seat of my pants...maybe because it is such a substantial seat...I prefer to at least have a general idea of what I’m doing. Right now, life simply wasn’t allowing that. At the moment, I had nothing planned past my court time of 1:30pm. Court would determine the rest of my life...in a way, with the custody of Kylie and the car, as well as follow up court dates.
So, I packed up Kylie and everything we would need for the day after straightening the living room. Once again I had failed to eat. I convinced myself that I had plenty of body fat to survive and that with my limited funds, I couldn’t afford to squander a dime. I wouldn’t be able to access the money Jules sent me until I had a new bank account. Though I had applied, my request for a PayPal debit card had previously been declined because I don’t have proof of residency. The driver’s license wasn’t enough. They wanted a utility bill, rental agreement, or mortgage. None of that was in my name, so I gave up.
The drive to Brynn’s went faster today. I wasn’t in rush hour traffic, which made a huge difference. Dropping Kylie off was...painful. Even though I knew she would be safe with Brynn in every respect, I wanted her with me. Every moment. We’d had a great morning together. I had adapted to the new surroundings and managed to keep my baby safe...no laptop to the head, no injuries of any kind. After kissing her and hugging her more than a few times, I finally pried myself away so I wouldn’t be late for court.
Minutes into the drive I broke down. I think it was when I pictured myself sitting in the quiet courtroom with my tummy growling loudly. With I a sigh, I exited the highway and stopped at the Cook Out near Concord Mills Mall. There were few things in this world that couldn’t be fixed with a barbecue sandwich, slaw and a Coke.
Almost as soon as I had finished eating and returned to the highway, I received a text message. It was Shane.
Shane: I will be gone by Saturday. The house and everything left in it is yours. Kylie needs a home. If there are papers you want me to sign, then you need to have them ready by then.
I was stunned. And driving. Crap. Another phone call. I wasn’t sure he’d answer, and apparently he wasn’t either. Just when I was certain the call would go to voicemail, he answered. He still sounded angry and bitter.
Shane: What?
me: I’m driving.
Shane: So?
me: So if you have something to say to me, it will have to be by phone.
Soon, he was explaining that he was moving, but he wouldn’t tell me where.
Shane: It’s none of your business where I live.
me: It is for the court paperwork, for custody, and for visitation…
Shane: Then assume I will be in North Carolina. And I want joint custody.
It was clear that he wasn’t going to make this simple. Lately, nothing with him ever was. It was also clear that lately, I had taken up sighing. A lot. I was doing it again already.
me: How do you expect to have joint custody if you aren’t around? How do you expect to have her half the time when you have never taken care of her?
Though my intention was never to be mean, Shane tended to perceive me that way when I tried to talk sense to him. This time was no different. Soon, I faced another rant.
Shane: This is why I’m leaving. I can’t stand to be around you! I don’t want to be married to you! I never wanted to be married to you!
me: Well good. I don’t want to be married to you anymore either. Finally something we agree upon.
I was pulling into the parking garage at the courthouse. There were more angry words exchanged. He tried to tell me there was no way I could have full custody, while I was pretty certain I was going to be getting it within the next few hours, but I couldn’t throw it in his face. So, I said a very brusque ‘goodbye’ as I climbed to the next level in the cold cement structure. Finally, I pulled into the parking spot...badly. I considered moving it, but then I realized how close I was cutting it. Instead, I rushed out of the vehicle and headed to the nearest stairwell so I could get down to the street level.
After crossing the street, I headed into the courthouse and waited my turn to go through security again. I hated this...every bit of it. I hated leaving Kylie. I hated that I had a million things to do that were being pushed aside to spend an afternoon in court. I hated that Shane had lost it, wrecked the house, quit us. I wanted my life back. It felt like every step, my every action only pushed me farther from my dream. Part of me was miserable. The other part was happy that my baby was safe, that she seemed to be doing reasonably well. It took everything in me to remember that every day brought a new adventure. Thinking positive didn’t come as naturally as normal. Instead, it was calculated, planned.
Once through security, I rode the elevator to the fourth floor and found that the courtroom was the one to the far left. There were no people out in the hall, which meant I was running later than I thought. Walking in, I read the sign instructing women to sit on the left and men on the right. Seconds after I found a seat in the crowded room, the clerk started taking attendance.
My name was the third called. Silly me, I had hoped that it would mean that I would also be heard that soon. Instead, I waited. And I waited. Then...I waited some more. Finally, when there were only a handful of people left in the courtroom, a different woman was called. She slowly made her way to the front. Her face was barely recognizable, with the swelling and bruising. If I was the judge, I would have given her the Order of Protection no questions asked. Instead, the judge wondered first if that was the reason she was requesting the order.
woman: Yes.
The judge read through the papers describing the incident. When she finished, she asked a few more questions.
judge: What caused the injuries?
The judge nodded.
judge: And do you two live together?
woman: Yes.
There was silence for a moment as the judge filled out the paperwork.
judge: Okay, you have a temporary order. You will need to come back to court on the 24th to get the permanent order. You are being awarded the house. He will be evicted and have to surrender his guns. The clerk will bring you the order in just a few minutes.
The woman nodded. She rose and went back to the back of the courtroom. I glanced down at my own injury. It was a wimpy bruise compared to what that woman had suffered. It made me question...everything.
Then it was my turn. My first thought was...how do I follow that? Ah, but we aren’t being compared. There’s no prize for first place, the most abused. Each case is heard and the fate determined by its own merits. Walking to the front, I placed my hand on the Bible, raised my right hand and swore to tell the truth. I wasn’t worried. I’m good at that.
As I was seated, a woman from Victim’s Assistance came and sat with me. While the judge was reading through my file, the representative was reading through it, too. For the first time, I saw the pictures...pictures of the destruction, huge, enlarged, and pictures of me. They hurt my heart. It felt so foreign, like I was looking at someone else’s life. That couldn’t be me. That couldn’t be my story. It had to be happening to someone else. I’m supposed to be the happily ever after girl, and this story is not even remotely similar. I’m reasonably intelligent. I’m educated. I have a career. I’m a self-made, self-sufficient woman. It’s something I’m very proud of. Only now, all of that was taking a back seat to Shane’s meltdown. Somehow, it made me feel like less than I am.
It seemed like ten minutes passed while I waited for the judge to speak to me, but in reality, it was probably under a minute.
judge: You were hit in the calf with a picture frame?
Seriously feeling wimpy now. I sighed.
me: Yes.
She read some more, flipping papers as she went. Without asking me anything else, she started marking boxes on the paperwork. There was the rustling as she completed her job. The rest of
the room was entirely too quiet. Finally, she looked up and smiled at me.
judge: Okay, I’m giving you the temporary Order of Protection. You’ll have to come back here on the 24th to get the permanent order.
I nodded, to show I was paying attention, but in fact, I was numb. Still not interested in the Order of Protection.
judge: I’m also giving you temporary full custody of the minor child.
It was only when I exhaled in that moment that I realized I had been holding my breath. That was my biggest concern. Anything else was gravy.
me: Thank you.
Ah, but she wasn’t done yet.
judge: And I’m giving you the house. Wait at the back of the courtroom for the clerk to give you the order.
After a momentary pause, I realized she had said house...not vehicle. I didn’t ask for the house. I didn’t want the house. I had no desire to live in the house, enrage him, and have him know precisely where we were all the time. Nope. That was no way to live. I needed the vehicle.
me: Wait!
The judge turned with a look of surprise on her face. When it was obvious I had her attention, I spoke once more.
me: But...I didn’t ask for the house. I asked for the car.
judge: Oh, I gave you that, too.
She beamed at me. I heaved another sigh of relief.
me: Thank you!
At the same time...the minute I sat at the back of the courtroom, I started thinking about Shane and his reaction to this court order that he had no idea was even in the works. I thought about how this broke the promise I had always made to him, to never try to take his house away. It didn’t matter that he had sent me the text offering me the house hours before, giving me the house and being forced from his home...two totally different things. And I could surely expect an entirely different reaction. It could get ugly. I had no idea his mindset. Suddenly, I was scared.
That’s probably how I found myself sitting in the courtroom with tears streaming down my face. I felt ridiculous. To the outsider, it was incredibly curious. The judge had given me all I requested and more. Most people would be thrilled. On the other hand...all I could think was that Shane was going to hate me for this. Sure, I would be able to get back in the house to get my belongings and Kylie’s, but we would not be able to stay there. It didn’t feel safe. At least I had custody now. I could go where I wanted with these signed papers. That was what I had working in my favor.
So, I sat there as quietly as possibly, wiping silent tears that flooded from my eyes and rushed down my face. It was time to focus on the positive and formulate a plan. Lily and Lyle would be leaving town for the weekend. We could stay there two more nights, but I didn’t feel comfortable staying without them there all weekend. What to do…
Then it came to me. It was obvious. It was time to call Grace. She was my BFF in Cary, just outside of Raleigh. We had been friends since the first day of sixth grade. She had proven on more than one occasion that she would drop her life to be there for me. Unfortunately, I had never had the opportunity to return the favor. Her life seemed to be much more serene than mine ever had. I was happy for her, of course, but felt guilty for upsetting her balance. Still, she did always say that I kept her life interesting. That had to count for something.
The clerk came back into the courtroom with papers in hand. I knew they were for me. He passed them to a deputy who came to the back of the room and whisked me away into a side room off the court.
deputy: I need to go over these papers with you.
So he talked while I cried. He explained that Shane was to stay away from me AND Kylie. He was deemed a danger to both of us. He was going to be evicted from the residence.
deputy: I can leave as soon as court is over to serve this. Do you know what time he gets home from work?
me: He isn’t working right now. He should be there.
deputy: Okay, so I’ll serve him tonight. He’ll have ten minutes to get whatever he needs for the next ten days, then he’ll have to leave and stay away from the property until then.
The tears came harder then. Somehow, I just felt like this wasn’t going to go well. Shane didn’t like being told what to do. That was obvious from the night I moved out when he yelled at me and the officer interceded.
me: Can you tell him I didn’t ask for the house? Can you tell him I didn’t want to take it from him? I always promised I’d never take his house. Please?
It was obvious the deputy was confused and unmoved...maybe even a little uncomfortable.
me: Sorry. You really don’t care. I get it.
deputy: Ma’am, I’m just doing my job here.
me: I know. I’m sorry. I just think this is going to make things so much worse.
He finished explaining the paperwork. When he was done, I took them and added them to the blue folder I had received the day before at Victim’s Assistance. Through it all, I was still trying to be as organized as possible.
Walking from court, I headed to the elevator. When I stepped off, I reached into my purse for my phone. Everyone had to turn it off in court. I was eager to turn it back on and call Jules. The phone took a moment to reboot. Then when I tried to make a phone call, I received that standard message about calling 611. Shane had turned off my phone. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so badly about the house.
How could he turn off my phone? Sure, technically it was on his plan, but he had done that without me asking. One day, he just came home with an iPhone for me and added my number to his plan.
Shane: You need an iPhone. It makes more sense to combine plans. And...now I own your number. You can never leave me.
At the time, I had laughed and run off to play with my new toy like a naive child. Silly man. I had no real ties to that number. Any number would do.
It was true then. It’s true today. My only problem was that I was currently without a phone, low on funds, and more than a little angry. He had clearly not thought this through. Sure, he was trying to hurt me any way he could...and his abilities were extremely limited given the Order of Protection he didn’t know about, but he was hurting Kylie, too.
Without the phone, I had no GPS. I had no way of getting in touch with her doctors if there was an emergency. My phone was the one attached to his business, since part of my job consisted of answering his phone calls. And now, since he owned my number, and given that I had decided to not stay in the house, there would be no way for him to get in touch with me EVER. He had effectively cut himself off from his daughter. What an idiot. All because he wanted to lash out at me.
Without hesitation, I called 611. And though the representative gave me her name...I don’t remember it.
rep: How can I help you today?
me: My phone is off. I’d like to know if it’s because my husband didn’t pay the bill, or because he’s mad at me.
rep: Sure, hold for just one moment and I can get you that information.
The phone went silent...no wait music or lame messages. I had to keep checking just to ensure that we hadn’t been disconnected. After what seemed like a really long time, since I had crossed two streets, walked up a flight of stairs, and made it to the parking garage, she finally returned.
rep: Okay, it looks like this phone was reported lost or stolen.
me: It’s neither. I’m Shane Powers’ wife. Can you turn it back on? We’re going through a nasty separation right now, as evidenced by the fact that I just walked out of court with an Order of Protection.
rep: I don’t have the authority to do that. He’s the owner of the account.
me: Yes, I understand this. How come when my ex husband and I divorced, I couldn’t take him off my plan right away? He had thirty days, and he milked every one of them, before he could be removed. I would like at least a two-week grace period.
rep: I understand, but the rules have changed since then. I can’t help you.
Please note: I don’t give up easily. Ha. That should be obvious by now, too. How long had I stuck it out through Shane’
s tantrums and worsening behavior?
me: Okay. Let me explain, I have a baby with a lot of health problems. By not having a phone, she is in danger. If there is an emergency, I have no way to contact her doctors. She is a micro-preemie that just came off oxygen and is still on a feeding pump. I need a phone. What can we do about this?
rep: You know, if you had been speaking with anyone else that might not have mattered. Give me just a minute.
I heard a sigh and knew that my words had made an impact. Somehow, I was going to have phone service. So I waited. While I waited, I walked the rest of the way to my car. There it was, a bright orange sticker. Did I really get a ticket? This was turning into a rotten day. I read it...nope...just a warning. Score! Apparently I had parked just over the line. They take those lines pretty seriously.
Finally the lovely woman taking care of me was back on the line.
rep: Okay, here’s what I can do. For now, we can change the contact information to your phone and your email, just as soon as you give it to me. You will be able to go on the website and apply to take over your phone number and have your own account. Just make sure he doesn’t know you still have a phone.
me: Absolutely. Thank you. How soon will my phone be back on?
rep: After we hang up, just reboot it. It will be working once more.
me: I really appreciate this. Thank you.
rep: You’re welcome.
After giving her my email, I hung up, rebooted, and sure enough...the phone was functional once more. Mostly. It didn’t have data, so I couldn’t use the GPS without Wi-Fi around. Still, I could make this work, as long as I could make calls. My first call...to Jules.
me: He turned off my phone!
Jules: What? Then how are you calling me?
me: I convinced them to turn it back on because of Kylie.
Jules: Does he know?
me: Absolutely not.
It was strange to me. During our entire relationship, I hadn’t been able to keep secrets from him; I hadn’t wanted to. It wasn’t healthy...being secretive. I knew that. I had learned that from my ex. He was a big liar and quick to hide things from me. Shane...I shared everything with him. It was something we loved about our relationship. There’s nothing to lie about or keep secret unless you are up to no good. That’s where problems start. Now look at me, one secret after another.