BUT HOW ELSE YOU GONNA GET
SUMMA O’ YOUR WRITING SOLD
I HEAR SCOTT’S A FAG
Y’ALL GOT THAT IN COMMON
THOUGHTS 1, 3 AND 4:
AND WHILE I DO NOT
THOUGHTS 1 AND 3:
CONDONE
THOUGHT 6:
GAY SEX
THOUGHT 5:
YOU’VE GOT THAT FAT STUDENT LOAN
THOUGHT 2: All right, big guy, what am I going to say?
USHER: That my blood pressure is through the roof, my cholesterol is a disaster, and that I need to lose weight.
THOUGHT 2: Every year, it’s the same notes but you don’t seem to be getting it. You have such a cute face. Why on earth are you hiding it underneath all of this hideous blubber?
USHER: Can you just squeeze my nuts and have me cough again? I really enjoyed that.
THOUGHT 2: Have you had any dicks up your butt since I saw you last?
USHER: I average about one penetration once a year so my next one is bound to be any day now; that’s just math.
THOUGHT 2: Pathetic. Even at the height of AIDS I was bouncing on every dick I could get my hands on, so what’s your excuse?
USHER: Snagging a man is like finding affordable housing in this town—there’s a long wait list and the landlords discriminate, okay? I’ll just stick to porn in the meanwhile.
THOUGHT 2: Usher, as your doctor, I’m warning you that you absolutely must be getting sex more than once a year or you’re putting yourself at risk.
USHER: At risk for what?
THOUGHT 2: At risk for not keeping up. You’re a young gay living in the big city. This is your time! Too many beautiful men gave up their lives for you to not to be getting plowed and bred regularly. I’m writing you a prescription for Truvada as PrEP.
USHER: What the hell do I need Truvada for? The last thing I’m worried about is HIV!
THOUGHT 2: Oh, so you think you too good for HIV now! See, that’s what you not gon’ do. Get yo’ fat ass outta here and onto your phone. By next year this time, I want to see that bootyhole o’ yours tore up and worn out or I’ma fuck on you myself, and you won’t like it when I get through with you, ya hear?
EXILE IN GAYVILLE
USHER (Making a note): Usher enters the sexual marketplace.
(Usher’s Thoughts enter.)
ALL THOUGHTS:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG?
USHER: You can do this. You can do this.
ALL THOUGHTS:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG?
USHER: It’s just like double-dutch. Here we go.
INNER WHITE GIRL IT’S NO FUN
IN THIS AGE OF FUCK AND RUN
HEADLESS HORSEMEN CLOP AND FART
BE STILL MY SLEEPY, HOLLOW HEART
HERE I PRACTICE WHITE GIRL YOU
AND HOPE THAT ACT WILL GET ME THROUGH
WHILE STILL I’M STUCK INSIDE THIS SKIN
BUT ALSO OUTSIDE LOOKING IN
IT’S AN EXILE IN GAYVILLE HERE
FROM HELL’S KITCHEN TO SAYVILLE HERE
THEN A BUS THEN A FERRY THEN AN ORGY ON FIRE ISLAND
EXILE IN GAYVILLE HERE
TO PENN STATION FROM SAYVILLE HERE
FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE RAGING IN HELL’S KITCHEN
I HOPE THAT I GET BURNED
THOUGHTS 2–6:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG?
THOUGHT 6: Six foot two, a hundred seventy-nine pounds, muscular, single. Packing in the front and in the back. Able to take care of all your anal needs. Just say hi.
THOUGHTS 1, 3–6:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG?
THOUGHT 2: Undetectable poz bottom taking loads in the toilet on Lucky Burger on 52nd Street. Just steps away from Industry and Therapy. Come park it right here, gents. Don’t be scared. Just say hi!
THOUGHTS 1–2, 4–6:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG?
THOUGHT 3: Laid back, nice guy here. No agenda, no drama. Just checking things out and maybe looking for a gym buddy lol. Top if it goes there. Just say hi!
USHER: … hi.
(No response; he waits and then speaks up:)
HI!
THOUGHT 1:
Too Black …
THOUGHT 2:
Too Black …
THOUGHT 3:
Too Black …
USHER: Hi. How are you tonight? Look at my ass.
THOUGHT 4:
Yr dick 2 small …
THOUGHT 5:
Yr dick 2 small …
THOUGHT 6:
Yr dick 2 small …
THOUGHT 1: Too Black.
THOUGHT 2: Too fat.
THOUGHT 3: Too feminine.
USHER: Well, maybe I could come over and we could just kiss then? I really like kissing.
THOUGHT 1: NO BLACKS!
THOUGHT 6: SORRY, GUY, EVERYBODY HAS A PREFERENCE!
USHER: Fine, Scruff.
THOUGHT 5: Fuck outta here, porch monkey!
USHER: Okay, Grindr.
THOUGHT 4: With those dingleberries? Boy, bye.
USHER: Fair enough, Growlr.
THOUGHT 3: When was the last time you got your bussy in formation with Beyoncé?
USHER: Not recently, Adam4Adam, because as a general rule, I don’t fraternize with terrorists.
ALL THOUGHTS: Oh no she did NAWT just call Beyoncé a terrorist!
USHER: Oh, yes, she did!
ALL THOUGHTS:
BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK!
BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK!
BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK!
IS THAT SHADE YOU THROW A CRUTCH?
BITCH, YOU PROTEST TOO DAMN MUCH!
WHY SO SOUR? WHY SO STUCK?
DO OR DON’T YOU WANT TO FUCK?
(Cheerleading) Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
YES, YOU’RE UGLY, YES, YOU’RE FAT
BUT SOMEWHERE SOMEONE’S INTO THAT
SO DON’T BE SWINDLED BY SELF-DOUBT!
JUST KEEP ON SENDING DICK PICS OUT!
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
IT’S AN EXILE IN GAYVILLE (YA FAGGOT)
FROM HELL’S KITCHEN TO SAYVILLE (YA FAGGOT)
THEN A BUS THEN A FERRY THEN AN ORGY ON FIRE ISLAND
EXILE IN GAYVILLE (YA FAGGOT)
TO PENN STATION FROM SAYVILLE (YA FAGGOT)
FROM THE FRYING PAN
INTO THE FIRE RAGING
IN HELL’S KITCHEN
IN HELL’S KITCHEN
IN HELL’S KITCHEN
IN HELL’S KITCHEN
USHER:
I HOPE YOU FAGGOTS BURN!
(Gayville has an orgy to which Usher is not invited.)
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG—
USHER:
—RY TO SHIT ON YOUR PALE LITTLE FACES
THOUGHT 5:
TOO BLACK TOO BLACK
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG—
USHER:
—RY BUT PART OF ME WANTS TO TRADE PLACES
THOUGHT 5:
TOO FAT TOO FAT
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG—
USHER:
—RY TO BURY THIS SEXUAL ANGUISH
ALL THOUGHTS:
YR DICK 2 SMALL! YR DICK 2 SMALL!
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
LOOKING? INTO? HUNG—
USHER:
—RY TO CHOP OFF MY PENIS AND LANGUISH
ALL THOUGHTS:
TOO FAT! TOO BLACK! YR DICK 2 SMALL!
YR DICK 2 SMALL!
USHER:
MY DICK TOO SMALL! MY DICK TOO SMALL!
TOO FAT AND BLACK TO LIVE AT ALL!
SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST RAVAGE ME
WITH YOUR WHITE GAY DAN SAVAGERY?
(Usher steps onto a subway car, sits on one end of a three-seater, and notices Thought 3 wearing a matching tank top and neon-colored gym shoes, engrossed in something like Between the World and Me or The New Jim Crow. Thought 5 enters, messenger bag akimbo. He
sits next to Usher, who reviews a draft of A Strange Loop. Silence.)
THOUGHT 5: What’s a strange loop?
USHER: Huh?
THOUGHT 5: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to peek over your shoulder.
USHER: Oh. It’s just the name of a musical I’m working on.
THOUGHT 5: You write musicals?
USHER: Yeah?
THOUGHT 5: Awesome. Did you see Hamilton?
USHER: I’m poor.
THOUGHT 5: Fair, fair. I only got to see it ’cause I used to date one of the King Georges.
USHER: Yay, King George.
THOUGHT 5: So A Strange Loop. What’s the significance of the title?
USHER: Well, don’t fall asleep but it’s a cognitive-science term that was coined by this guy named Douglas Hofstadter. And it’s basically about how your sense of self is just a set of meaningless symbols in your brain pushing up or down through one level of abstraction to another but always winding up right back where they started. It’s the idea that your ability to conceive of yourself as an “I” is kind of an illusion. But the fact that you can recognize the illusion kind of proves that it exists. I don’t totally get it. But it’s also the name of this Liz Phair song I really love. Originally, I was gonna use a bunch of her songs in the show, but then she wouldn’t give me permission. Her spirit lives on in the piece in other ways though.
THOUGHT 5: That is so funny. Liz is an alum of my high school. New Trier in Winnetka.
USHER: GET OUT! That’s crazy! I mean, I went to Cass Tech in Detroit but New Trier is legendary too.
THOUGHT 5: Motor Town! Stand up, Detroit! Exile in Guyville is an incredible album. And your show sounds absolutely tits.
USHER: Thanks. Hopefully people will agree with you even though it’s next to impossible to get folks excited about Black musicals that don’t have us sha-la-la-ing in the background with bouffant wigs on or being blackfaced white characters but—
THOUGHT 5: I love your lisp. It’s very sexy. So are you. I hope you don’t mind my saying.
USHER: Wow. I so don’t mind actually. Hi. I’m Usher.
THOUGHT 5: Ooh, a famous name. Nice to meet you, Usher. I’m Joshlet.
USHER: I can’t with Joshlet. I’m jizzing all over myself. Really? Joshlet? That’s adorbs.
THOUGHT 5: My parents are total faggots, what can I say?
USHER: Well, faggot or not, you’re really hot if you don’t mind my saying, Joshlet.
THOUGHT 5: Why thank you, sir. I don’t mind you saying at all.
USHER: So this is totally not me but my place is at the last stop. Do you live in Queens?
THOUGHT 5: No, unfortunately, I live in your imagination.
USHER: Ah.
THOUGHT 5: I’m white obviously. Six foot one, with soft brown eyes, accidental six-pack abs, light brown scruff and an exquisitely groomed alt-right style haircut. I have an enormous pink cock, a full bush, and insanely low-hanging balls. In addition to being an obnoxious online thirst trap with millions of followers, I’m also a power top with a slight preference for piss play and came out to a supportive LGBTQIA-Plus-affirming church when I was eleven. Usher, what I like about you is how you’re not afraid to let your sloppiness all hang out. And the fact that you would allow yourself even a moment of weakness to fantasize about a dick appointment with a Sean Cody–adjacent spawn of Satan like me when you should probably just kill yourself? Well, that’s a testament to the awesome power of the white gaytriarchy.
(Pulls a Popeyes box out of his bag) Here. Have some Popeyes that I nutted on as a consolation prize.
(Tosses a Popeyes box on the floor like hog food; turns to Thought 3) Hey. Hey, you—Ink drop. What’s your name, boy?
THOUGHT 3: OhmyGod, it’s totally Todrick and I swear I’m not as dark-skinned as I look.
THOUGHT 5: That’s okay, kid. When you’re with me, you won’t see color. And we’re all just niggers when the lights go out anyway. So let’s make a go of it, huh?
USHER: Indie rock guitar underscores them running off the train into the tangerine horizon of their Sundance Award–winning interracial gay movie love story tentatively titled Love, Todrick.
THOUGHT 1: Okay?
THOUGHT 6: Then what, bitch?
THOUGHT 2: Where’s the sweat, Usher? You’re not even trying!
USHER: I’m thinking!
THOUGHT 1: See that’s really why nobody wants to fuck him.
THOUGHT 2: What is Usher’s problem?
SECOND WAVE
USHER:
I DON’T HAVE AIDS
AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT MARRIAGE
AND I WILL NEVER BE PUSHING A LOUD-ASS BABY
AROUND IN A CARRIAGE
NO, I’LL JUST WALK AROUND WITH A SCOWL ON MY FACE LIKE I’M BETTY FRIEDAN
BECAUSE THE SECOND-WAVE FEMINIST IN ME
IS AT WAR WITH THE
DICK-SUCKING BLACK GAY MAN
WHO’S SOMETIMES LOOKING FOUR NOW
BUT ALSO FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
AND SO THE GRINDR CROWD TURNS ME INTO A CHRONIC
STAY-AT-HOME MASTURBATER
WHEN I WANT TO GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT I DON’T FEEL THAT I CAN
BECAUSE THE SECOND-WAVE FEMINIST IN ME
IS AT WAR WITH THE
DICK-SUCKING BLACK GAY MAN
SO I FALL OUTSIDE OF THE NORM
’CAUSE I BURN MY BRA TO KEEP WARM
WHILE MOST OF MY BRETHREN SWARM TO
BEYONCÉ AND RIHANNA
AND BAREBACK AND FELCHING AND SO ON
BUT THEY WON’T GET AIDS
’CAUSE NOW THEY’RE TAKING TRUVADA
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO I STAY IN MY CORNER
AND I JUST SAY NADA
AND WATCH THEM ALL DO WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT FEAR AND WITHOUT HAVING A PLAN
MEANWHILE THE SECOND-WAVE FEMINIST IN ME
IS AT WAR WITH THE
DICK-SUCKING BLACK GAY MAN
SO NOBODY COMES ON MY CHEST
AND I COME OFF SOUNDING REPRESSED
BUT MAYBE THAT’S ALL FOR THE BEST
IF I WANT SOMETHING DEEPER
AND SOMEONE WHO THINKS I’M A KEEPER
AND WHO CAN UNDERSTAND MY LONG HESITATION
AND WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND AND HELP ME UNDO
THIS POLARIZATION
AND LETS ME CURL UP WITH CHARLENE, MARY JO, JULIA AND SUZANNE
UNTIL THE SECOND-WAVE FEMINIST IN ME
ENDS THE WAR WITH HIS
DICK-SUCKING BLACK GAY MAN
THOUGHT 3: Hey-hey! Usher! It’s Agent Fairweather!
USHER: Hi, Agent Fairweather.
TYLER PERRY WRITES REAL LIFE
THOUGHT 3: I know it’s been months since we last spoke and I have no idea if this is of any interest to you or if you have any material to send but we just got a call for submissions for something very exciting. Especially for you.
USHER: Oh yeah? What is it?
THOUGHTS 4–6:
TYLER
THOUGHTS 1–3:
PERRY
TYLER
THOUGHTS 1–3:
PERRY
THOUGHTS 4–6:
TYLER PERRY
USHER: Oh, no!
THOUGHTS 4–6:
TYLER
THOUGHTS 1–3:
PERRY
THOUGHTS 4–6:
TYLER
THOUGHTS 1–3:
PERRY
THOUGHTS 4–6:
TYLER PERRY
USHER (Mockingly sings à la The Color Purple): Hellllll no!
THOUGHT 3: It seems he’s gotten so busy with film and TV, that his team is looking to farm out the gospel plays to a ghostwriter. It’ll be a scream. And didn’t you once tell me that your mother would love nothing more than for you to write one? So how ’bout it, Ush? Just write a sassy matriarch, a lonely spinster who loves God; throw in a few Color Purple quotes, whaddaya say?
USHER: What do I say? I say:
THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUN
ITY
THOUGHT 3: Of course, of course.
USHER:
BUT TYLER WOULD BE NONE TOO FOND OF ME
THOUGHT 3: Don’t sell yourself short.
USHER:
THE CRAP HE PUTS ON STAGE, FILM AND TV
MAKES MY BILE WANNA RISE
THOUGHT 3: I know, “your integrity.”
USHER:
NOTHING THAT HE WRITES SEEMS REAL TO ME
THOUGHT 3: Yes, you think he sucks.
USHER:
JUST SIMPLE-MINDLED, HACK BUFFOONERY
THOUGHT 3: But no theaters will touch you.
USHER:
AND IF I TRIED TO MATCH HIS COONERY
HE’D SEE THROUGH MY DISGUISE
THOUGHT 3: Just think about it.
USHER:
IT’S TRUE I’M STILL EMERGING
LOOKING TO MAKE MY START
BUT NOT SO HUNGRY THAT I’D
RIDE THE CHITLIN’ CIRCUIT
I’M INTO ENTERTAINMENT
THAT’S UNDERCOVER ART
MY MISSION IS TO FIGURE OUT
JUST HOW TO WORK IT. TODAY
TODAY I PLAN TO CHANGE THIS SCENE FOR THE BETTER
(An unsettling sound.)
Hello? Agent Fairweather? Is somebody there?
(Voices from the darkness:)
THOUGHT 6: Race traitor …
THOUGHT 2: Race traitor …
THOUGHT 5: Race traitor …
USHER: Race traitor? Who’s there?
(Voices from the darkness:)
THOUGHT 1: Ass licker …
THOUGHT 4: Ass licker …
THOUGHT 3: Ass licker …
USHER: Wh-wh-who are you?
(The Thoughts enter as Ancestors one by one.)
THOUGHT 2: I’m Harriet Motherfucking Tubman. And I got a problem wit’ you.
THOUGHT 5: I’m Carter G. Motherfucking Woodson and I got a problem wit’ you too.
THOUGHT 6: Jimmy Baldwin.
THOUGHT 3: Zora Neale Hurston.
THOUGHT 4: Twelve Years a Slave here.
(An entrance we won’t soon forget.)
THOUGHT 1: Whitney.
USHER: W-w-w-what do you want with me?
THOUGHT 2: To get you together. Makin’ me get MY Black ass up outta MY twenty-dollar grave to put YO’ Black ass on blast talkin’ bad ’bout Tyler Perry.
(The Ancestors get him together.)
ALL THOUGHTS:
WHO THE FUCK IS YOU, NIGGUH?
YOU LOOK IT BUT YOU AIN’T NO TRUE NIGGUH
YOU MAKE US ANCESTORS BLUE
ACTIN’ BRAN’-NEW, NIGGUH, I CAIN’T WIT’ YOU
TYLER IS A REAL NIGGUH