USHER-USHER! USHER! USHER!
USHER-USHER! USHER! USHER!
USHER:
USHER-USHER! USHER! USHER! …
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
HOW MANY MINUTES ’TIL THE
OH MY GOD …
END OF INTERMISSION? …
LESS THAN TWO!!!
THOUGHT 5: Okay, so what’s the tea, bitch?
USHER: Ummmmm …
THOUGHT 2: Where’s the sweat, Usher; you’re not even trying!
THOUGHT 6: What’s next, what’s next?
USHER: I don’t know—
THOUGHT 4: Well, you better figure it out!
THOUGHT 1: And fast!
TODAY
USHER: Okay, okay, I got this, I got this. I think after intermission, Usher should get an early dismissal by his shift supervisor so he can go home to work on A Strange Loop.
THOUGHT 3: Let’s get into it, honey!
(Usher exits into a locker room and begins to change clothes.)
USHER:
I AM A DISNEY USHER
I’M BARELY SCRAPING BY
MY DISCONTENTMENT COMES IN
MANY SHAPES AND SIZES
BUT I WOKE UP THIS MORNING
I TOLD MYSELF TO TRY
I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WOULD
MAKE NO COMPROMISES. TODAY …
A MEETING WITH MY LANDLORD
WHO MAKES ME MISS MY TRAIN
AND I SMELL AWFUL
’CAUSE THERE IS NO TIME TO SHOWER
I PLASTER ON A SMILE
PRETEND I HAVE NO BRAIN
MAKE NICE WITH ASSHOLE TOURISTS.
HOUR AFTER HOUR TODAY …
TODAY I PLAN TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE FOREVER …
THOUGHT 2: USHER! SURPRISE!
(À la Wendy Williams) How U doin’? IT’S YOUR DAILY SELF-LOATHING! And I had some time to kill so I thought I’d drop in to remind you of just how truly worthless you are.
THOUGHT 6: Hey, Usher!
(À la Wendy Williams) How U doin’? It’s your Financial Faggotry and ooh chile, do you have a second to chat about this situation with Shittybank Student Loans?
USHER:
REWRITE THAT SHITTY LYRIC
TO MAKE THE ENDING LAND
CONDENSE THE REPETITION
TO ITS MOST ESSENTIAL
DEFINE A FORMAL STRUCTURE
SO PEOPLE UNDERSTAND
PULL OUT THE STOPS TO SHOW HIS STORY’S FULL POTENTIAL TODAY …
TODAY I PLAN TO CHANGE THIS SHOW FOR THE BETTER …
THOUGHT 5: Usher! Hi, babe! I’m with Corporate Niggatry! Just checking in to see if you were ready to invest in the Beyhive, the Stellar Awards, or Wakanda Forever so we can finally get you into something unapologetically Black?
THOUGHT 1: Usher! As supervisor of your sexual ambivalence, you can rest assured that I have sealed the gates of your body and mind so that nothing can get inside your shitty butthole until you give the word!
USHER:
I WANT TO BREAK THE CYCLE
THAT’S SO INGRAINED IN ME
BUT CHANGE COMES WAY TOO SLOW
AND I AM IN A HURRY
THERE’S ALL OF THIS REJECTION
WHICH BRINGS SUCH MISERY
BUT WITH MY WHITE GIRL MUSIC
I DROWN OUT THE FLURRY OF TODAY …
I AM A DISNEY USHER
I’M BARELY SCRAPING BY
MY DISCONTENTMENT COMES IN
MANY SHAPES AND SIZES
WHEN I WAKE UP EACH MORNING
I TELL MYSELF TO TRY
I TELL MYSELF THAT I WILL
MAKE NO COMPROMISES
SO DAYS LIKE THIS JUST GET ME
I HATE DAYS LIKE TODAY
DAYS WHEN I SEE MYSELF AND
SEE THE SAME REFLECTION
SOMEONE WHO’S STUCK REWRITING
BUT STUCK IN HIS OWN WAY
SOMEONE WHO PLANS TO EDIT
EVERY IMPERFECTION. TODAY.
TODAY I PLAN TO CHANGE MY SELF—
THOUGHT 2: Oh, girl, whatever!
USHER: Okay. So the work day is done, he’s about to sit down to write which is of course the precise moment he gets a call from—
(Each Thought eats from a Popeyes box as Usher writes.)
THOUGHT 3: I ain’t want nuthin’.
THOUGHT 5: I just thought you might be interested to know about some more of this mess goin’ on with yo’ brutha, yo’ niece, and her airheaded mama—
THOUGHT 6: who been goin’ around tellin’ different people at church like that dat-blasted airheaded Marion that God sent her a vision of you touchin’ Nala—
THOUGHT 1: on the vagina—
THOUGHT 2: at the family reunion las’ July.
THOUGHT 5: Now I’unno if Nala even know what a vagina is or not—
THOUGHT 1: let alone whether somebody done touched her on it—
THOUGHT 3: but since she don’t know no better than to repeat after her airheaded mama—
THOUGHT 4: now Nala goin’ aroun’ tellin’ different people at church like that dat-blasted airheaded Marion that you “touched” her—
THOUGHT 5: on the vagina—
THOUGHT 2: at the family reunion las’ July—
THOUGHT 6: so now Rafficki—
THOUGHT 3: yo’ niece’s “mother”—
THOUGHT 1: “doesn’t know if she feel comfortable letting her dorter come over to her grandmother and grandfather house—”
THOUGHT 5: “not if we just gonna be lettin’ her get molested all the time.”
THOUGHT 2: Now how you like them apples?
THOUGHT 1: That’s why I cain’t lose no weight.
THOUGHT 4: ’Cause I be gettin’ into it wit’ different people and get to feeling so melancholy that all I can do is sit here with this dat-blasted Popeyes when IT AIN’T EVEN GOOD!
WE WANNA KNOW
THOUGHT 2: But annnnnnnnnnyway … that’s not why I called.
THOUGHT 3: I called ’cause I wanna discuss my son!
THOUGHT 5: Are you still flowing within your purpose and lettin’ the Lord lead ya and guide ya and direct thy path?
THOUGHT 6: Are you still urshering?
THOUGHT 1: When you gon’ get discovered?
THOUGHT 3: Ain’t it about time for a producer to give you the hook up on one of yo’ musical the-A-ter writings?
THOUGHT 4: And what about yo’ friend Toya? She still married to that guy? You think she might ever change her mind and get sweet on you? C’mon, Son! What’s the 4-1-1?
ALL THOUGHTS:
WE WANNA KNOW
WHAT’S GOIN’ ON IN NEW YORK
WE WANNA KNOW
WHAT’S GOIN’ ON IN YA LIFE
WIT’ PEOPLE THERE LIVING ANY WHICH-A WAY
AND TO HECK WITH WHAT THE B-I-B-L-E SAY
WE WANNA KNOW
WHAT’S GOIN’ ON IN NEW YORK
WE WANNA KNOW
IF YOU BEEN CHASING YA DREAM
’CAUSE AFTER WHAT ME AND YO’ DAD WENT THROUGH
TO SEND YO’ BLACK BOOTIE TO NYU
IT APPEARS YOU BE JES’ RUNNING AROUND
AND WITHOUT ANY DIRECTION
THOUGHT 2:
AND WITHOUT ANY DIRECTION
THOUGHT 1:
AND WITHOUT ANY DIRECTION
THOUGHTS 3–6:
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED TO DO
THEN WHY AIN’T YOU JUST STAY HERE?
THOUGHT 1: ’Cause you selfish.
ALL THOUGHTS:
EVERY TIME WE CALL YOU UP YOU JUST CLAIM
THAT YOU DONE MADE SOME CONNECTION
THOUGHT 2: You so full o’ doo-doo, yo’ eyes is brown.
ALL THOUGHTS:
YOU CAN LIE TO YOURSELF IF YOU WANT
BUT YOU CAIN’T LIE TO ME, DEAR
THOUGHT 4: You say you be off writin’ musicals but what the heck kinda music you be writin’?
THOUGHT 1: It probabl
y sound like that dat-blasted white girl music you used to listen to ’n’ try to hide from me ’n’ y’ dad when you was in high school, don’t it?
THOUGHT 2: You ain’t up there in New York thinking you a white girl wit’ yo’ musical the-A-ter writings is you?
THOUGHT 5: ’Cause every time we ask, you just say you be writin’ “about ‘life’”!
THOUGHT 3: And I’m like LIFE! What you know about life?
THOUGHT 6: You ain’t but twenty-five years old!
THOUGHT 3: Almost twenty-six!
THOUGHT 2: You gon’ turn twenty-six on the twenty-six.
THOUGHT 4: But I’on care if you twenty-six or a hundred and twenty-six, I did all the work to birf you in this world so now it’s time for you to give back. I gotta job for you:
ALL THOUGHTS:
YOU RUNNING AROUN’ THERE WIT’ A MFA
SO NOW YOU GONNA WRITE ME A GOSPEL PLAY.
THOUGHT 4: Like Tyler Perry.
THOUGHT 5: ’Cause Tyler Perry writes real life.
THOUGHT 3: Tyler Perry knows how to bring everything together wit’ all the stories? And all the singing? And all the different people talking?
THOUGHT 1: And Tyler Perry don’t never forget to bring in the spirit’ch’alities.
THOUGHT 2: ’Cause Tyler Perry loves his mama—
THOUGHT 6: And the Lord—
THOUGHT 1: So write a nice, clean Tyler Perry–like gospel play for your parents please—
THOUGHT 5: It’s the least your Black butt can do after all the love we done gave—
THOUGHT 6: And all the money we done come off of—
THOUGHT 3: Unless you just don’t love your mama—
THOUGHT 4: Or the Lord …
INNER WHITE GIRL
USHER:
ON DAYS HIS BLACKNESS FEELS LIKE ANOTHER HURDLE
THAT WON’T GET OUT OF HIS WAY
HIS INNER WHITE GIRL STARTS KICKING LIKE A BABY
SHE WANTS TO COME OUT AND PLAY
SHE DOESN’T CARE IF SHE RUFFLES ANY FEATHERS
IN FACT, THAT IS HER M.O.
WHERE HE’S THE KING OF AVOIDING CONFRONTATION
THERE’S NOT A BOMB SHE WON’T THROW BECAUSE
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
BLACK BOYS MUST ALWAYS OBEY THEIR MOTHERS!
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
CAN’T THEY? CAN’T THEY? CAN’T THEY?
USHER:
THOUGHTS 1 AND 3:
SOME DAYS HE FEELS LIKE HIS BLACKNESS
WHO, WHO IS YOU?
WHO, WHO IS YOU?
IS A TREASURE
THAT’S UNDER CONSTANT ATTACK
HIS INNER WHITE GIRL PROTECTS IT
THOUGHTS 5 AND 6:
FROM MARAUDERS
SHE ALWAYS TAKES UP THE SLACK
HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH …
SHE LETS HIM FEEL LIKE A HUMAN SUPERNOVA
THOUGHTS 1 AND 3:
LIKE HE COULD CONQUER THE EARTH
WHO, WHO IS YOU?
WHO, WHO IS YOU?
LIKE HE’S THE HEIR TO THE POWER AND OPPRESSION
THOUGHTS 2 AND 4:
HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH …
HER KIND HAVE WIELDED SINCE BIRTH
ALL THOUGHTS:
BECAUSE
WHO … WHO … WHO …?
BECAUSE …
USHER AND ALL THOUGHTS:
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
BLACK BOYS MUST ALWAYS OBEY THEIR MOTHERS!
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
CAN’T THEY? CAN’T THEY? CAN’T THEY?
USHER:
ALL THOUGHTS:
THEY GET TO BE “COOL, TALL, VULNERABLE AND LUSCIOUS …”
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
THEY GET TO BE WILD AND UNWISE
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
THEY GET TO BE SHY AND INTROSPECTIVE
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
THEY GET TO MAKE NOISE
THEY GET TO MESMERIZE
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
BLACK BOYS
DON’T GET TO BE “COOL, TALL, VULNERABLE AND LUSCIOUS …”
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DON’T GET TO BE WILD AND UNWISE
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DON’T GET TO BE SHY AND INTROSPECTIVE
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DON’T GET TO MAKE NOISE
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DON’T GET TO FANTASIZE …
OOH … AH …
USER:
HIS BLACKNESS DOESN’T LOOK BLUE IN ANY MOONLIGHT
WHICH MAKES HIM HARDER TO SEE
THAT’S WHY HE CLINGS TO HIS SILLY INNER WHITE GIRL
THE SAME ONE CLINGING TO ME
USHER:
ALL THOUGHTS:
WE WANT TO BE FREE
OOH …
WE WANT TO BELONG
OOH …
WE WANT EITHER LOVE OR VALIDATION
OOH … LOVE …
BUT NEITHER COME EASILY
OOH …
OOH …
SO HER SIREN SONG
KEEPS US IN TOTAL SUBJUGATION …
OOH …
THOUGHTS 1 AND 2:
TOTAL SUBJUGATION …
USHER:
THOUGHTS 1–4:
WE WANT TO BE “COOL, TALL, VULNERABLE AND LUSCIOUS …”
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
BLACK BOYS MUST ALWAYS OBEY THEIR MOTHERS!
WE WANT TO BE WILD AND UNWISE
THOUGHTS 5 AND 6:
HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH …
AND BLACK!
AND BLACK!
THOUGHTS 3 AND 4:
WE WANT TO BE SHY AND INTROSPECTIVE
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
CAN’T THEY? CAN’T THEY? CAN’T THEY?
WE WANT TO MAKE NOISE
THOUGHTS 1 AND 2 (On loop):
WHO, WHO, IS YOU?
WHO, WHO IS YOU? …
WE WANT TO MESMERIZE
THOUGHTS 5 AND 6:
HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH …
BE BLACK!
BE BLACK!
THOUGHTS 3 AND 4:
WHY CAN’T WE BE “COOL, TALL, VULNERABLE AND LUSCIOUS”?
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
BLACK BOYS MUST ALWAYS OBEY THEIR MOTHERS!
THOUGHTS 5 AND 6:
WHY CAN’T WE EXPRESS IN OUR OWN WAY?
WHITE GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING, CAN’T THEY?
YOU BLACK! YOU BLACK!
USHER:
WHY CAN’T WE UNLEASH WHAT’S LOCKED INSIDE US?
WHO MADE UP THESE RULES THAT BLACK BOYS HAVE TO OBEY?
(The Thoughts each peruse a draft of A Strange Loop critically.)
THOUGHT 3: Uh-huh. And an inner white girl is who or what exactly?
USHER: Like Liz Phair? Tori Amos? Joni Mitchell? People like that? It’s really more of an abstract concept than anything I think.
THOUGHT 3: Oy. And just so I’m understanding correctly, he just turns his back to us? That’s seriously how the show ends?
USHER: Possibly. In this draft at least.
THOUGHT 3: Hmm. Well, that’s certainly a choice.
THOUGHT 5: I just wish the protagonist of A Strange Loop were someone I could imagine shagging because whether it’s the Me Too era or not, fuckability is still the lifeblood of the theater, darling. There shouldn’t be a limp dick or a dry pussy in the house when your lead takes his clothes off.
THOUGHT 2: Okay, I’m sorry but you can’t say “n” in a musical. I’m sorry. You can’t say it ever actually. I’m sorry. White people are watching. I’m sorry. Black people are watching. I’m sorry. Don’t roll your eyes at me; I’m the chair of the Second-Coming-of-Sondheim Award so I know what the
fuck I’m talking about!
THOUGHT 4: Every time you present to our Guardians of Musical Theatre Centrism Tribunal, I find myself longing for the days when musicals were quieter and more centered around the lives and concerns of civilized, property-owning adults.
THOUGHT 6: Yeah, I mean, why not make it be about slavery or police violence so the allies in your audience have something intersectional to hold on to? I mean, not to give away a trade secret, but I bought two of my houses on slavery, police violence and intersectionality, my brutha.
USHER: I hadn’t thought of that. Intersectionality is so amazing. Absolutely.
THOUGHT 1: Well, I like your piece. I think the elements are all there. But you need to underline your structure more clearly so the audience knows when they can go home. My advice to you is to take a step back and look at how the individual parts serve the whole. What’s A Strange Loop about, who is it for, and why does it need be?
DIDN’T WANT NOTHIN’
Usher scribbles some ideas down.
And then there is Dad, carrying a forty-ounce bottle of beer.
THOUGHT 5:
HEY, SON, IT’S YOUR DAD
THOUGHT 6:
I DIDN’T WANT NOTHIN’
THOUGHT 2:
JUST THOUGHT I WOULD CALL
THOUGHTS 1 AND 2:
AND SAY
THOUGHT 4:
WASSUP
THOUGHT 5:
TO MY NUMBER ONE SON
THOUGHT 3:
IF YOU CALL ME BACK
THOUGHT 6:
I’LL GIVE YOU A NUMBER
THOUGHTS 1–3:
A NUMBER THAT ME
THOUGHTS 1–4:
AND MOM
THOUGHTS 1–5:
DUG UP
ALL THOUGHTS:
OUT ON GOOGLES DOT COM
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHO
SCOTT RUDIN IS
BUT I READ THAT EVEN HIS BALLS ARE PURE GOLD
I DON’T MEAN TO GET
ALL UP INTO YOUR BIZ