Next up: surveillance.
Surveillance means watching people without
their knowing you’re watching them . . .
. . . following people without their knowing
you’re following them . . .
. . . and listening to people without their knowing
you’re listening to them.
Mr. Dupree told us surveillance is an art. He
didn’t say anything about coloring within the
lines.
The last intelligence-gathering skill was
secure communication.
Stuff like coded messages.
And relaying messages with animals.
Meanwhile, Roy’s reign of terror didn’t take a
break just because we were learning to be spies.
Wedgies, insults, and zombie butt continued just
like before.
We couldn’t wait to take Roy down. Sure,
we stumbled a bit in training, but when we
met after the week was up we thought we had
intelligence-gathering wired.
We were wrong.
Mr. Dupree said, “Good start. Another few
weeks, and you’ll be ready.”
“A few weeks!” I cried.
Mr. Dupree smiled and said, “‘Thou know’st
the first time that we smell the air we wawl and
cry.’”
I’d had it
with those
stupid quotes
of his. I lost
it:
Karl raised his hand. “Poop smells bad.”
I pleaded with Mr. Dupree. “Pleazzzzzzze!”
Mr. Dupree shook his head. “A little
information is a dangerous thing. And you can’t
even gather that much yet. We’ll practice some
more on Monday.”
Chapter 17
As Molly, Karl, and I walked out of school, I
said, “I really thought Mr. Dupree was helping
us.”
“It’s not fair,” added Molly.
“I really am out of underwear,” said Karl.
I heard laughing behind us. I turned around
to see Becky and Roy walking out of school
together. I stopped and stared as they continued
to totally ruin my life.
“Why are you staring like that? Is it that
girl?” asked Molly.
“She’s not important. We need to go after Roy
now.”
Molly said, “You know, it didn’t go so well
when we ignored Mr. Dupree the last time.”
Behind us Roy yelled:
I smiled. “Good. Let’s meet at my house on
Saturday to plan.”
“A playdate?” clapped Karl.
Molly and I glared at Karl, then started
walking. We tried to ignore him . . .
. . . but Karl is really, really hard to ignore.
Chapter 18
On Saturday Molly and Karl came over and we
started planning Operation: Bully Bait.
Bully Bait was Molly’s idea. She and Karl
nixed my name: Operation: Reduce Roy to a
Quivering Mass of Goo.
We were alone in the house. Mom was at
work, and Memaw was at her yoga class.
I stood in front of a
portable chalkboard.
“Let’s start by thinking
of ways to take down
Roy.”
Molly wondered
if maybe we should
start by gathering
intelligence. I was
pretty sure feeding him to giant sand fleas
would be quicker, but I was willing to listen.
Molly said, “The more we know about Roy, the
easier it’ll be to control him.”
Karl raised his hand. “Let’s bug him!”
I looked at Molly. “I think we already bug him
enough.”
“No!” said Karl as he reached into his
backpack and pulled out a baby monitor. “I
mean listen in on him.”
“Why do you have a baby monitor, Karl?” I
asked.
“I’m fixing it. My parakeet spilled his water
on it,” Karl explained.
“It was in his cage?” asked Molly.
“In case he needs anything. You know, like
food, a foot rub, or maybe a different hat to go
with his sailor outfit.”
Molly and I looked at each other. I said,
“Maybe he spilled water on it because he wants
to be alone.”
Karl looked really confused. “Why would he
want that?”
Molly said, “Let’s get back to Roy.”
Karl continued, “Roy’s backpack is the same
as Molly’s. We sew the monitor into the lining
and listen in with the receiver. All I have to do is
swap backpacks with Roy.”
Molly and I just stared at Karl. It was actually a
good plan. Which was odd, since it came from Karl.
Molly said, “I’ll do the swap.”
“Why can’t I do the swap?” said Karl.
“You came up with the plan,” I offered.
“You guys aren’t ever going to let me do
anything, are you?” said Karl.
“Nick! Nick! How do I send a text? Nick?!”
said Memaw from the doorway.
That was harsh. Harsh, but true.
I introduced Molly and Karl. I told Memaw
we were helping Karl with his project for the
upcoming science fair.
“My project is ‘Will It Twist?’” said Karl. “I’m
testing the torsional twist strength of fruits,
vegetables, toys . . .”
Memaw looked concerned. “You’re going to
twist things until they come apart?”
Karl nodded eagerly.
I interrupted. “You said you needed to send a
text?”
Memaw dug her phone out of her purse. “I got
a message from some jerk who wants to pound
me into Jell-O-Meat.”
Molly said, “Jell-O-Meat?”
“If it happens again, I’m going to take him
out,” said Memaw.
I took the phone
from Memaw and
said, “You don’t
need to text him
back. I’ll just block
his number.” I
erased the message, blocked Roy, and handed the
phone back to Memaw. “All fixed.”
Memaw smiled at Molly and Karl, closed the
door, and walked off down the hall mumbling to
herself, “I’ll do it. I’ll bring the pain.”
Molly looked at me. “Why is Roy texting your
grandmother?”
“Roy?” I said. “What makes you think it’s Roy?
It could be anybody that—”
The Stare Master stared me down.
“Okay, it’s Roy,” I admitted.
“Roy bullies grandmothers?” said Karl. “I
gotta warn mine.”
I didn’t see a way to lie my way out of this.
But I certainly couldn’t tell the whole truth. I
said, “I might have used Memaw’s phone to text
Roy a few times.”
Molly shook her head. “You texted Roy as
your grandmother?”
“I couldn’t use my own phone,” I said. “He’d
know who I was. And my texts haven’t exactly been
nice.” Molly stared me down again. “Okay, they’ve
been pretty mean. Enough to upset him. A lot.”
Molly and Karl traded a look. I continued,
“It’s
no big deal and it’s nothing like what he
does to us. It’s just a tiny little way to, you know,
get even.”
Molly looked at me for long moment. She
nodded. “I think it’s awesome.”
“Me too,” said Karl.
“You do?”
Molly smiled. “What sort of stuff did you text
him?”
I grinned. “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” asked Karl.
“Ida.”
“Ida Who?”
“Ida your face, you’re scaring babies.”
Chapter 19
Monday morning we launched Operation Bully
Bait with me getting stuffed in my locker again.
I risked more zombie butt so we could swap
backpacks with Roy. I’m proud to say it takes
two hands to stuff me in my locker.
After the switch, we stashed the baby monitor
receiver along with a digital recorder in my
locker. We wrapped them both in a bunch of
gym clothes to dampen the sound. We didn’t
want some sixth grader freaking out because he
thought Emily was hanging out in his locker.
Then we met with Mr. Dupree for more
intelligence-gathering practice. We didn’t want
him to suspect we’d gone after Roy on our own,
so we needed him to think we were still hopeless.
Which we were getting pretty good at.
After school, we grabbed the baby monitor
and recorder and ran to the bleachers behind the
soccer field to listen to Roy’s day.
We turned on the recorder. The first thing
we heard was Becky saying, “Same time?
Same place?” followed by Roy saying, “Yeah, see
you after school.”
“I knew you liked her!” said Molly as she
punched me in the arm. “We’re here to deal with
Roy, not rescue your stupid girlfriend. Got it?”
“Got it,” I said. I noticed Karl with a goofy
grin on his face. “What is it, Karl?”
“You’ve got a girlfriend,” he said. “And Molly
has a . . . a . . .”
“A mission,” said Molly.
Karl continued, “And I have my parakeet, my
sea monkeys . . .”
That’s when Karl lunged.
Then he let go and we looked at one another.
I said, “Let’s please never do that again.” Molly
nodded. Karl just grinned and said, “We’ll see.”
I quickly turned the recorder back on. We
learned a lot about Roy. Most of it was stuff we
already knew like . . .
Roy is an accomplished motivational speaker.
Roy is well traveled and extremely
sophisticated.
There was also stuff we didn’t know. Like, he
doesn’t read very well.
He mixes up his numbers and letters.
And he’s really, really seriously afraid of losing
something really, really seriously important to
him.
I turned the recorder off. We all stared at our
shoes.
Karl rubbed his stomach. “My tummy’s all
sideways.”
“That was way more than I needed to know,”
added Molly.
I said, “Mr. Dupree was right. A little
information is a dangerous thing.”
Roy had managed to do the impossible. He
had us all feeling sorry for him.
Molly turned the recorder back on.
Then quickly turned it off again.
Karl shook his head. “I tied my shoes in a
triple knot once and had to throw them away.”
Molly said, “Who’s Max?”
That’s when I realized that as tough as Roy
might have it, it was Max who really needed our
help.
I said, “Max is a dork. And what are we?”
Molly and Karl stared at me.
“We’re the Dork Defenders!” I said.
“Dork Defenders,” Molly repeated.
“Whatever,” I said. “The point is, who cares if
Roy can’t read? We have to stop him! We have to
help Max!”
Molly nodded and turned the recorder back on.
Roy continued, “Then I’m going to cover him
in tuna and throw him in the Cat Dumpster
behind the Stop-N-
Snarf.”
Molly turned the
recorder off again
as Karl’s eyes went
wide. “Some of those
cats can take down
a cow,” he said.
That was stupid, but I decided to go with it.
“All the more reason to save Max from Roy,” I
said.
“But how?” asked Molly.
“Dr. Daniels’s office,” I said. “Roy said he was
afraid of losing something. If we could find out
what it is, we could . . .”
“If we took it, maybe he’d stop being a bully to
get it back.”
“But we don’t even know what it is,” said
Molly.
“Dr. Daniels knows,” I said. “And if she
knows . . .”
Molly nodded. “It’s in his permanent record!”
“They’re not really permanent, are they?”
asked Karl.
I said, “It’s settled then. We’re going to break
into Dr. Daniels’s office and get Roy’s record.”
Karl looked worried. “I mean, some day they’ll
just throw those records away, right?”
“And I know just how we can get in without
anyone finding out,” I added.
“How?” asked Molly.
Karl started to panic. “If it’s really
permanent, then when I grow up and invent
the first backyard zero-gravity bouncy castle,
everyone will know . . .”
Too late.
Chapter 20
I knew how to break into Dr. Daniels’s office
because I’d done it before. I broke in once to
swap out her annoying therapy puppets with
something more interesting to talk to on my
frequent visits.
There’s a heating duct on the wall behind her
desk that leads to another duct inside the first-
floor boys’ bathroom.
After school one day
I crawled in, dropped
down, and swapped
therapy dolls.
My sessions with
Dr. Daniels were so
much more fun after
that.
Operation: Bully Bait, Phase 1: Snatch-n-
Snag to get Roy’s permanent record was set for
after school at the end of the week.
The plan was simple:
What could possibly go wrong?
Chapter 21
The rest of that week we continued to meet
with Mr. Dupree before school. We made sure
that he noticed we were continuing to not make
progress on our spy skills.
The night before the raid, as Memaw slept
through her favorite reality show, The Orphans,
I snatched her phone, unblocked Roy’s
number, and went into Max mode:
Max: Roy, u r so stupid u boil eggs in the
microwave.
Roy: u r so stupid, u dont know that u can.
“Wait. Really?” I said out loud.
I figur
ed he was probably lying. After I
reblocked Roy’s number, I decided it would be
fun to find out.
Just as I started the microwave, Becky texted me.
Becky: Therz no chess club tmrrw. We’re
meeting after school.
Max: I got astronomy club.
Becky: In the afternoon?
Busted! Again!
Becky: Or we never meet.
Now I didn’t know what to do. Max can’t meet
her. I have to stall. But how?
Then it hit me. I couldn’t meet Becky as Max.
But I could meet her as Max’s best friend. I could
meet her as . . .
Max: tmrrw after school by the sign. I’ll be there.
Becky: C ya.
Then I thought, Isn’t there something else
tomorrow after school?
I’m supposed to . . .
Uh-oh.
Chapter 22
I had a plan. It was a good plan. No, it was a
great plan. In the entire world history of plans, my
plan was one of the best plans ever. Top 50, easy.
It was so simple. I would meet with Becky
right after school for a few minutes, tell her Max
was shy, and say he sent me, his best friend,
instead. Then I’d join Molly and Karl for the
break-in.
Best plan ever, right? Wrong.
“You’re not Max,” said Becky.