Now, everyone knew who we were. Everyone
knew who I was.
I was famous.
Not movie-star famous. More
like that-kid-in-the-YouTube-
video-who-gets-his-head-stuck-
in-a-mailbox kind of famous. Everyone knows you.
No one wants to be anywhere near you.
Just like on the bus that day.
I sat there watching the kids in front whisper
to one another and look back at me, and I
thought of something Mom told me right after
she and Dad split up:
That made feel better until I looked out the
window and saw Roy and Becky. Together.
AGAIN!
And . . . she was touching him! On the ARM!
ON PURPOSE!
She can’t do that! It’s not allowed! It’s
unnatural! Mutant Troll Bully–human touching
is strictly forbidden according to Rule 6 in the
Top 10 Rules for When I Run the Universe:
I turned away from the window, sank down in
my seat, and stared at my shoes. “‘Nothing will
come of nothing,’” said a voice from outside the bus.
I looked out the window again. Mr. Dupree
was staring up at me. I said, “You just make this
stuff up, don’t you?”
“You’re not the first person in the history of
the world to have a tough day.”
I stared straight ahead.
“You ever hear about the abominable snow
goat?”
I rolled my eyes. “There’s no such thing.”
“Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t,” he
said. “No one’s ever really seen one up close.
Talk about having a tough day. They live at
twenty thousand feet in the snow and ice of the
Himalayas, where there’s only enough oxygen for
one abominable snow goat every ten miles.”
He said, “It would be easy for them to live
down with the regular goats where there’s plenty
of air to breathe and plenty of goats to breathe it
with.”
I ignored him as the bus started.
“You know why they don’t go live with the
other goats?”
The bus started to move.
Mr. Dupree smiled. “Because then they
wouldn’t have a chance to be on top of the world.”
Chapter 12
When I got home, I wasn’t thinking about Mr.
Dupree’s snow goats. All I could think about was
how Becky may be scarred for life after touching
Roy’s Mutant Troll acid oozing skin and how I
couldn’t wait to get to my room and start text-
torturing Roy.
I made a beeline for Memaw’s phone, but
quickly realized there was no way I was going to
get it anytime soon.
When you see your grandma hypnotizing a
dog, you stop. “Why are you hypnotizing Janice?”
“So she’ll stop farting,” Memaw said.
Janice looked at me like she wanted to say:
Before I could rescue
Janice, Memaw started
reading a book on her
lap. “‘Once the subject
is relaxed they will
become open to any
suggestion.’”
Memaw looked at Janice. “When I snap
my fingers you will stop
farting.”
Janice farted.
“I must be doing
something wrong,” she said
as she grabbed her can
of deodorizer and started
spraying.
“I don’t think you can hypnotize dogs,” I said.
“Okay, then I’ll hypnotize you.”
“I don’t have a farting problem.”
“I’m sure we can think of something you need
to improve on.”
You can run from Memaw. But you can’t hide.
She’ll just hunt you down to cut your hair with
a vacuum cleaner or force you to be her yoga
assistant.
“I’ve got it!” said Memaw. “You need to eat
more beets!”
“No one eats beets,” I whined.
“They build strong spleens.”
“Memaw, please!”
“‘Nothing will come of nothing.’”
“What did you say?”
we can’t succeed. Now, sit down and let me
hypnotize you.”
“Who’s Shakespeare?”
Memaw looked at me like I just spit in her
oatmeal, then proceeded to tell me more than I
ever wanted to know about some old dude who
wrote a bunch of plays a million years ago.
As Memaw lectured, I pretty much lost track
of what year it was. Before I could recover, she
started to swing her pill container in front of me
whispering,
She snapped her fingers. Janice farted. Then
peed on the rug.
Memaw immediately turned to me and said,
“Your mother doesn’t need to know about this.”
I smiled. “Deal.”
While Memaw went to the kitchen to get
some sort of cleanser that kills alien parasites, I
snatched her cell phone and ran upstairs to
my room, texting Roy on
the way.
Max: U seen Ty O’rea?
Roy: Who’s Ty O’rea?
Max: U R Ty O’rea!
Long pause. Then:
Roy: I’m going 2 strangle the snot out a U!!!!
Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Max is a lot funnier than I am. I mean, I’m
funnier as Max than I am as me.
After I messed with Roy for a while, Max got a
text from Becky.
Becky: u c that short safety patrol kid in the
cafetorium?
Max: 1 who almost got a jell-o-meat tat?
Becky: Yeah, he tried 2 make friends w/ Roy
Max: 2 stupid
Becky: 2 brave
I thought, “Wait? What? She thinks I’m
brave?”
Becky: r we going 2 meet?
Max: short kid?
Becky: No. u, stupid. after school tomorrow?
Max: Cant. Skydiving practice
Becky: ???
Max: L8R gator
Sure, the
skydiving thing
was lame. But
I had a bigger
problem: could
I really afford
to quit Safety
Patrol? I
decided to work
it out with a
logic tree.
It was clear what I had to do. I erased the
messages on Memaw’s phone, picked up my own
phone, and immediately texted Molly and Karl:
Nick: Meet me in the basement before school
tmrrw
Molly: What? Why? We’re not in Safety Patrol
anymore
Nick: Just do it. I’ll explain
Karl: This is my first text. I’m so excited!
Karl: Guys?
Karl: Guys?
Karl: What am I doing wrong?
Karl: Guys?
Chapter 13
The next morning, I stood across from Karl and
The Stare Master in the school basement and
told them we shouldn’t quit Safety Patrol.
They weren’t very receptive.
“You want us to keep going after yesterday!”
yelled Molly.
Karl rubbed hi
s butt. “It still chafes!”
I couldn’t tell them the truth. I couldn’t tell
them my alternate universe girlfriend thought
what I did the day before with Roy was brave.
So I told them, “We need to stay in Safety
Patrol because nothing equals something. I mean
something plus nothing equals
nothing. No, that’s not right,
it’s nothing minus something
times nothing equals something.”
“Safety Patrol? That is SO lame!”
We turned around. Roy stood at the top of the
stairs. He laughed. “What are you? Some sort of
Super Secret Freak Force?”
In case I haven’t mentioned it, Molly really
hates being called a freak. She skips the Stare
Master stage and transforms straight into the
Were-Molly.
Karl said, “You can’t be down here.”
Roy leaned over Karl and said, “Who’s going
to stop me?”
“We’re going to stop you!” said Molly, as she
launched a plunger directly at Roy’s head.
Roy looked up. He wasn’t happy. “Who DID
that?!”
Roy furiously
tugged at the
plunger, but it
wouldn’t budge.
He finally gave up,
lowered his head, and
charged.
Just as the lights
went out.
“What’s going on?”
The lights came back on. We looked up and
saw Mr. Dupree glaring at us from the top of the
stairs.
Mr. Dupree quickly came down the stairs and
helped Roy up (with the plunger still attached to
his head).
I smiled. “You can keep the hat.”
As Roy was leaving, I whispered to Molly, “I
guess you’re back.”
“Shut up,” said Molly.
Mr. Dupree said, “Who was that kid?”
We all shrugged.
Mr. Dupree shook his head. “What did I say
was the first rule of Safety Patrol?”
We all looked down and said, “No shrugging.”
“When I said, ‘Be the tiger and not the stupid
man,’ I meant be smarter, not stronger. You
want to control your opponent. And you can’t do
that without controlling yourself.”
Karl raised his hand. “I can go three hours
without blinking.”
Mr. Dupree ignored Karl. “And the first step
to controlling yourself is to know yourself. To
know your strengths and your weaknesses.”
Karl raised his hand again. “I have a shy
bladder!” Then, realizing his mistake, he added,
“Please don’t tell anyone.”
Mr. Dupree went on. “To know what you know
and what you don’t know, and especially what
you don’t know that you don’t know.”
I thought, I’m pretty sure I know that I don’t
know what he’s talking about.
“You start by gathering intelligence,” said Mr.
Dupree.
Mr. Dupree shook his head. “Leave the
seventh graders alone, Karl.”
Mr. Dupree started to leave. “Tomorrow
we’ll start learning the basics of intelligence
gathering: disguises, surveillance, and secure
communications.”
After Mr. Dupree left, I turned to Molly. “He
knows it’s Roy we’re after.”
“How?” asked Molly.
“The lights! He had to have turned them off
just as Roy charged,” I said. “And I think he also
pulled the alarm, and somehow was the voice
from the soccer field. I think he’s helping us.”
“How do you know it wasn’t Emily?” said
Karl.
“Because Emily doesn’t exist!” I said.
Karl said, “Well, maybe if you believed in
her.”
Molly shook her head. “But he asked us who
Roy was. Maybe he really doesn’t know?”
“He knows,” I said. “He can’t help us if he
knows we know he knows it’s Roy.”
“I’m confused,” said Karl.
“He’d have to turn Roy in, right?” I said.
Molly nodded. “And then Roy would go even
harder after us.”
“Mr. Dupree is cool. He’s on our side,” I said.
Karl started
clapping as he
searched around
the basement.
“Karl, what
are you doing?” I
asked.
Chapter 14
That night, while Memaw
was sleeping through The
Deep Fat Fry Guy on Eat
Network . . .
. . . Max was upstairs
texting Roy:
Max: Hey Roy, what r worst 4 years in a bully’s life?
Roy: u text me again, I’ll . . .
Max: 3rd grade!
Hahahahahaha!!!
Roy: u r going 2 b sorry when I figure out who u r.
Max: going 2 be hard with that fly buzzing in ur
head. What’s his name? Space Invader?
Roy: U r DEAD!!!
Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Roy really cheers me up sometimes. He has
the gift.
Just as I started to text Roy again, there was
a knock on the door. “Nick, have you seen my
phone?” asked Memaw.
“No,” I lied. “Did you check the recliner?”
Memaw nodded. “I don’t understand
technology. Does it have an invisible mode?”
I shook my head. “If I find it, I’ll let you
know.”
“I need it to text my vote against deep-fried
lobster. Can you imagine such a thing?”
I shook my head again.
“What’s that
buzzing?” asked
Memaw.
“What buzzing?” I lied again. “I don’t hear
anything.”
Memaw pointed to my bed. “It came from . . .”
“Do you still hear it?” I asked.
“No. It stopped.”
I could hear Mom down the hall, yelling,
“What’s going on?”
“I heard buzzing,” said Memaw.
Mom came to door. She looked at me.
“I didn’t hear anything,” I said.
Mom looked at Memaw. Memaw rolled her
eyes and said, “Go ahead.”
Then Mom did her nurse thing.
“You’re fine,” said Mom.
“Of course I’m fine!” said Memaw, turning to
me. “It’s probably that fly in my head. What’s his
name?”
“Space Invader.” I smiled.
Memaw walked off down the hall, banging her
hand against her head like when you’re trying
to get water out of your ears.
Mom looked at me. “You’re sure you didn’t
hear anything?”
“Jeez, Mom, no!” I lied again.
That was my third lie in five minutes. I felt
bad. I wished she would just leave.
She looked at me, sighed, and said, “I’m
sorry. I guess I just don’t want to think Memaw’s
getting old.”
Then she walked over and gave me a hug.
She smiled, turned, and left, shutting the door
behind her.
Like a cell door. In a dungeon. Like the one
in the Zogex Qua
drant on the Planet Frodark,
where the Giant
Sand Squid of
Lagslag imprisoned
NanoNerd for life.
Memaw’s phone
buzzed again. I dove
under the bed and
silenced the buzzer.
It was a text from Becky:
Becky: Therz no skydiving club.
Busted! I had to think fast.
Max: Sorry. Didn’t want u to think I was loser 4
being in Chess Club.
Becky: Chess iz cool. Meet tmrrw?
Max: Can’t. We’ve got a match with Wendell
Willkie.
Becky: Soon, ok?
Max: Soon.
Chapter 15
You can’t lie just once.
Lies have a way of multiplying. They can’t
stand on their own. Each lie leads to bigger
lies that lead to even bigger lies until it looks
something like this:
That’s a lot of lies.
One day, I might have to tell the truth.
One day.
Chapter 16
Over the next week, Molly, Karl, and I met
before and after school with Mr. Dupree and
got a crash course in intelligence gathering (no
seventh graders were harmed in this process).
First up: disguises.
Mr. Dupree gave us some stage makeup and a
box of old clothes to practice with.
He said, “The trick is to alter your appearance
just enough to make you look different without
looking stupid.”
We got it half right.