Twenty-one Truths About Love, Page 5
Matthew Dicks
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Don’t sleep on Die Hard 2. It might be an even better Christmas movie than Die Hard.
DECEMBER 26
10:35 AM
Dan’s 6 Rules of Drinking Stories
No one will ever care about your drinking stories as much as you.
Drinking stories never impress the type of woman you want to impress.
If you have more than three excellent drinking stories from your entire life, you do not understand what constitutes an excellent drinking story.
Drinking stories must always be your own. No one cares about what your buddy did when he was drunk.
Even the best drinking stories are seriously compromised if told during the daytime and/or at the workplace.
Old people’s drinking stories are acceptable in any form, as they are rare and oftentimes hilarious.
DECEMBER 27
6:14 PM
Problems with Clarence
Takes my spot on the couch
Labradoodle is an embarrassing name for a breed of dog
Clarence is an embarrassing name for a dog
Life expectancy: 12–14 years
Only nine years old
Peter’s dog
DECEMBER 28
8:30 AM
Shopping List
Dog food
Stamps
Miracle Whip
Diet A&W root beer
Two ripe avocados
Baking soda
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
Powerball ticket
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
There is nothing miraculous about Miracle Whip. It’s just mayonnaise, which means it’s fucking disgusting.
Avocados are a bullshit food that are only ripe for about 14 seconds.
Walk around with Diet Coke and half a dozen assholes will tell you how bad it is for you. Walk around with diet root beer and no one says a word.
No one knows what baking soda does.
DECEMBER 29
7:00 PM
Things no one warned me about when I bought the bookstore
Inventory at the end of every month
Cheap bastards who return travel books after their vacation
Books are heavy
Certain books attract asshole readers who ruin the book for me
So much squatting
Most stolen book is The Bible
DECEMBER 29
7:00 PM
Only good things about December inventory
Kim’s birthday so Steve helped instead
Jill brought pizza and cookies
Fewer books to count with the holiday sales
Jill flashed me as she left to boost my spirits
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Never underestimate the power of a little public nudity.
DECEMBER 29
11:50 PM
Steve
Former college football tight end
Father of infant twin boys who never complains about anything and always looks happy and well rested, which makes me hate him a little
Not much of a reader yet can sell a book to anyone
Steve in his interview: “Business is people. Not product. A good salesman can sell anything if he likes people and money. I like both a lot.”
Carries two dollar bills in his wallet at all times
Eats standing up
Steve in his interview: “My father once said that you can’t learn everything in a book, and you can’t learn everything in a bar.”
I feel a little ridiculous being Steve’s boss. He’s a better human being than me in every way. He should probably just orchestrate a rebellion, depose me, and assume control of the store. I wouldn’t blame him.
I like Steve a lot.
I wish Steve liked me.
DECEMBER 31
11:59 PM
Last 30 minutes of 2017
NBC
Champagne
Dick Clark lament
Oyster regret
Second base
Stick
Pee
Countdown
Little pink plus
Countdown
Happy New Year
Toast to the New Year
Ginger ale
JANUARY
JANUARY 1
7:30 AM
New Year’s Resolutions
Don’t run out of money.
Don’t let Jill find out that we’re running out of money.
Don’t find out the sex of my unborn child.
Don’t end up in jail.
Don’t kill Clarence.
Open an index fund.
Increase store sales by at least 20%.
Find a way to increase store sales by at least 20%.
Three Little Debbie Snack Cakes per week maximum.
Open at least one of Dad’s letters.
Read those other two Wrinkle in Time books.
Learn how to do baby stuff like putting on a diaper and other stuff that I don’t know I don’t know (there must be more stuff to learn than just diapers).
Build something for the baby. Anything. Learn to do something with my hands that isn’t embarrassing or stupid.
Don’t ruin my unborn child’s life before he or she is born.
JANUARY 2
4:00 PM
12 things I didn’t know
Jill is already 4 to 8 weeks pregnant. Maybe more. She says it just works that way.
Pregnancy is not “an emergency.” We need to wait TWO WEEKS before a doctor’s appointment. Grow a brand-new person inside your body and doctors say, “Meh.”
Telling your wife that her pregnancy is “an emergency” does not go over well.
Apparently the pregnant lady hormones start early.
Telling your wife that the pregnant lady hormones “apparently start early” does not go over well.
Asking if we can still have sex five minutes after the pink plus sign does not go over well.
Jill has been pregnant for two days (or 4 to 8 weeks according to her) and I’ve already done everything wrong.
It’s possible to fall in love with a tiny collection of cells that you’ve never seen before at the instant you know those cells exist.
Women who have never been pregnant seem to know a lot about being pregnant.
Words get more complicated when someone has a baby growing inside them.
Getting your wife pregnant does not make you feel more like a man.
Women sometimes poop during delivery. I did not know this. I did not want to know this. I have no idea what I am going to say if this happens, but it will most assuredly be wrong.
JANUARY 3
6:17 AM
Finances
Savings: 6,921
Income
What I tell Jill: 3,000
Reality: 2,280
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
House: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 112
Oil: 612
Phones: 180
Gas: 120
New purse: 212 (WTF?)
JANUARY 3
6:29 AM
Revised Financial Solutions (and potential drawbacks)
SHORT-TERM
Second job: Jill would know we’re in trouble and I have no time for a second job.
Day-trading: Requires initial investment. Might be harder than it seems.
Online poker: See day-trading.
LONG-TERM
Write a novel: Takes a year or more to write. No guarantees. And I might suck as a writer.
Thank-you note idea: No idea how to start.
UNREALISTIC BUT STILL VIABLE
Write to billionaires: Seems impossible, but it only takes one.
Lottery: Unlikely
JANUARY 4
8:10 AM
DAYS WITHOUT
Chocolate glazed doughnuts
503
Gum
72
Crying
3 (approximately)
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
2
Green vegetables
12
Crying
3 (approximately)
Flossing
5
Retail rage
2
Regret over quitting my job
0
Dad
5,707
JANUARY 4
8:40 AM
First 5 minutes of every day
Shut off alarm
Climb over Clarence
Pee
Log on to banking app (while still on toilet)
Hold breath
Panic
Cry (only sometimes)
Mayrock’s Taxonomy of Crying
Choked Up
Lip Quiver
Whining Moan
Sniffling Tears
Rivers of Tears
Awkward Heaving
Weeping
Snot Bubbles
FREQUENCY OF MY CRYING
Choked Up
5%
Lip Quiver
21%
Whining Moan
35%
Sniffling Tears
25%
Rivers of Tears
12%
Awkward Heaving
0%
Weeping
1%
Snot Bubbles
1%
JANUARY 4
12:30 PM
My problems with Little Debbie Snack Cakes, broken down into percentages
25%: Too many calories
10%: No nutritional value
35%: Embarrassing name
30%: Most irresistible food item ever
JANUARY 4
7:10 PM
Three kinds of people
People who make their dreams come true because they were told that it was possible
People who make their dreams come true because they were told that it was impossible and they are hell-bent on proving the world wrong
Me
JANUARY 5
5:10 PM
Physical thank-you note vs. email thank-you note flowchart
1. Is the recipient the kind of inane and pedantic person who would be offended by an email in lieu of a handwritten thank-you note?
If NO, send an email. Not only is it more efficient, it allows you to say more in less time.
If YES, answer the following:
2. Is the recipient someone whose opinions you care about?
If NO, send an email.
If YES, consider sending an email. If you’re still uncertain, answer the following question.
3. Is the recipient the kind of small-minded, vacuous person who might underhandedly complain about your failure to send an actual thank-you note to people who you know and respect?
If NO, send the email.
If YES, grudgingly send the thank-you note. Curse it before sending if you are a voodoo priest.
4. When these rules are unavailable to you, you can always rely on this one question to arrive at an equitable solution:
Is the recipient a backward-thinking, arcane traditionalist capable of underhanded, passive-aggressive, prickish behavior with far too much time on their hands?
If NO, send an email.
If YES, send a thank-you note. Or better yet, eradicate this person from your life entirely if possible.
JANUARY 6
7:00 AM
Number of Letters from Dad since June
6
Number of Letters I’ve Told Jill About
1
Number of Letters I’ve Opened
0
JANUARY 8
7:45 AM
LESS STUPID (but still incredibly stupid) LIST
Fast food
ATM
Maybe Citgo
Carnival
JANUARY 11
9:35 AM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for January
Wonder by R.J. Palacio (I thought it was only good, but I’d never admit to it)
Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich
Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris (I’ve always thought of myself as an unfunny David Sedaris)
The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo (best children’s book ever)
Popular by Maya Van Wagenen (Jill’s addition to the list)
JANUARY 11
10:35 AM
Books You Should Not Read
The Ugly Duckling (we hate you till you’re beautiful)
Blindness by José Saramago (made Jill weep and his lack of paragraphing is absurd)
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne (some secrets aren’t worth keeping)
Love You Forever by Robert Munsch (you can’t un-see some of those last pictures)
The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein (love steals away your identity and your song)
JANUARY 12
3:30 PM
Possible reasons why Kimberly doesn’t have any gay friends and doesn’t know any gay people
She doesn’t have many friends to begin with (possible)
She’s a bigot and her gay friends know it (probable)
She’s part of a frighteningly insular community where gay people exist but would be ostracized or worse if they ever revealed themselves (likely)
JANUARY 13
10:10 AM
Things I like to imagine would be different if Dad hadn’t left
I’d be playing in the town softball league.
I’d be able to hang pictures on the walls.
I’d be able to watch a football game and understand what the fuck is going on.
I’d drink more beer and less wine.
I wouldn’t have run away from that fight with Jimbo Powers.
I’d be able to skip rocks and make armpit noises.
I’d like the Rolling Stones. Maybe Bob Dylan, too.
I’d know how to be a father.
I would get lost less often.
I wouldn’t be so afraid.
JANUARY 14
12:25 PM
Books I pretend to have read
Everything by Leo Tolstoy
Wuthering Heights
Atlas Shrugged
Everything by Jonathan Franzen (except the half of The Corrections that I actually read)
Comic books
Everything by Dr. Seuss
Books I’ve tried to read and now only pretend to have read
Catch-22
The Sound and the Fury
Moby-Dick
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Books I wouldn’t even pretend to have read if you paid me
Anything by James Joyce
Anything by Virginia Woolf
JANUARY 15
8:30 PM
10 Rules I Break
I never worry about dating a document correctly because no one cares if the document is dated correctly unless they tell you to date it correctly.
I make right turns on red when the coast is clear even when there is a sign indicating that it’s illegal, because waiting for no conceivable reason is insanity.
I ignore dress codes whenever possible because the only people who really care if you are conforming to the dress code are the worst possible people (the same people who expect hand-written thank-you notes). Also, everyone is way too busy thinking that everyone is looking at them to worry about me. Also, you have a right to feel good about the way you look.
When I am using a single-user restroom and someone tests the doorknob, finds it locked, and then knocks, I refuse to answer, because this behavior is lunacy. Isn’t a locked door signal enough that it’s occupied?
When asked for my position on a document, I write “Upright” every time.
When parking my car at a gas station or rest area with the sole int
ent of going inside to use a restroom or make a purchase, I park in front of a gas pump as if I’m also purchasing gas if no closer space is available.
I eat the food in the grocery store that I plan on buying (usually candy bars, soda, Pop-Tarts, and fruit) and then scan the bar codes on the empty wrappers at the checkout. This is occasionally a problem with food that is paid for by the pound (bananas and apples).
I treat red lights as stop signs after 1:00 AM.
I jaywalk.
I use single-user restrooms designated for women if the men’s room is occupied and no woman is waiting.
JANUARY 16
10:30 AM
Comments from doctor during my physical
Your gown is on backward.
Your blood pressure is good.
Your blood pressure is the only good news I have for you.
You’ve gained 20 pounds over the past two years.
You were already 10 pounds overweight.
Your cholesterol has gone from borderline to high.
You’re going to be a father. You need to start taking care of yourself.
Do you want to be the kind of guy who starts taking pills in your forties?
Yes, I know you’re 37. I’m your doctor.
Turn and cough.
JANUARY 16
10:41 AM
Four comments on the gown
Calling it a gown is more than a little ridiculous.
Inventing a gown that covers your ass might make someone a lot of money.
If an ass-covering gown could be invented, it would’ve already been invented.
This is probably what every failed inventor says.
JANUARY 16
10:55 AM
