Good news to report. My office at 11?
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.34
Subject: Re: new business
This the big one? Looking forward to it, geezer.
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.35
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am in Finland attending Dr. P. Van Helden’s workshop, Ice Fishing: The Path to Environmentally Sound Management. I will return on Monday 12th January. If you have an urgent request, don’t hesitate to contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on milton@meerkat360.co.uk
From: Paula Sterling
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.39
Subject: Meeting
Dear Mr. Keane
I am writing to confirm your meeting with Janice Crutton here at Bancroft Brooks at 10.00 a.m. on Monday 12th January 2009. If you have any questions in advance, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely,Paula Sterling
Assistant to Janice Crutton
Bancroft Brooks & Partners
From: Bill Geddes
To: Donald Gold
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.44
Subject: straitjackets all round
What is it with the Creative Department in this place? Liam—the only one with any sense—has turned evil and the rest of them are plain unfathomable. I went to see Zlatan and Adrijana (with my handy Serbian phrasebook) to check how they’re getting on with my Kwik Fit brief. “We nearly finish,” Zlatan grunts and points at a heap of junk on the floor. Turns out they’re working on an “installation” involving 5,000 teaspoons, 200 cinder blocks and lots of sticky-backed plastic (at least I think that’s what Adrijana meant by “lodsa stiggybagplaztig”). And as they’re telling me this I have to listen to Yossi down the corridor refashion “Yes We Have No Bananas” as a trance anthem.
All I want is a half-page black-and-white for a tire and exhaust sale. I give up.
From: Donald Gold
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.51
Subject: Re: straitjackets all round
You and me both. Harvey Harvey just told me he can’t look at Bassetts Allsorts before Wednesday at the earliest because he has 962 e-mails to answer. Why does TB hire these people? Does he have to fulfill some freak quota?
From: Bill Geddes
To: Donald Gold
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.55
Subject: Re: straitjackets all round
TB told me Double H is the finest lateral thinker he’s ever met. Which is just a fancy term for fucked up.
From: Daniela
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.57
Subject: hiya!
Hello. My name is Daniela. I’m 19, blonde and I’m bored. Let’s chat and have some fun. daniela@gotmail.com. My firm breasts ache for you.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Daniela
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.59
Subject: Re: hiya!
Hi Daniela
Nice to hear from you. I’m at work, so I’m a bit too busy to chat at the moment, but if you’re bored, there’s usually something good on TV now. I like to watch Cash in the Attic (BBC1, 11.30) when I’m not at the office.
I’m concerned to hear about your breasts. Could it be hormonal? I don’t want to be presumptuous, but my sister often gets discomfort in her boobs when it’s “that time.” She says Feminax helps, so maybe give it a try. If it continues, though, I’d definitely see a doctor.
Thanks for writing. Usually I’m free in the evenings if you still fancy a chat.
Harvey Harvey
From: Marlon Norbert
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.00
Subject: hey, little man
My buddy couldn’t give his girl big satisfaction until he add extra two inch to his frankfurter of love. Now he is the bedroom hero. Get extra steel for your rod if you are man enough. http://www.natural-herbal-gain.com
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Marlon Norbert
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.01
Subject: Re: hey, little man
Hi Marlon
Great news about your buddy! Thanks for the info. Sounds interesting. I am currently single, so it’s of no immediate use to me. However, I’ll file your e-mail for possible future reference.
All the best,Harvey Harvey
From: Britney
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.04
Subject: let’s get it on
I am lonely sexual teen who need friendly chat. Reply me and we make fun. britney@gotmail.com. My breasts are on fire.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Britney
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.06
Subject: Re: let’s get it on
Hi Britney
Amazing that you should write because I’ve only just had an e-mail from another girl who was bored and wanted to chat. She’s called Daniela and she seems very nice. Remarkably, she also complained of inflammation in the breasts. Maybe it’s a winter virus thing. I really think you should get in touch with her. I’m sure you’d cheer each other up. Her e-mail is daniela@gotmail.com
Thanks for writing. And do get in touch with Daniela. I bet it helps chase away the January blues.
Harvey Harvey
From: Alex Sofroniou
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.17
Subject: spam filter
Just to let you know that the spam filter is up and running again. Apologies for the inconvenience.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Alex Sofroniou
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.19
Subject: Re: spam filter
What’s spam?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.32
Subject:
Hi Lorraine
I know you don’t want to hear from me, but please don’t hit delete now ...
Please, please, please don’t ...
You still there?
You haven’t trashed this yet?
Thanks.
OK, where to begin? I honestly don’t know why you left (it’s not because of the thing with the thing, is it? That was ages ago). All I want is an explanation. I think you owe me that much. Fair dos, I owe you a lot more, but one tiny-weeny explanation isn’t a lot to ask, is it? OK, it might be a big explanation, a humungous one the size of a house or a truck or Keith Richards’ smack bill circa 1971. I can take it. I have both the time and a cast-iron emotional constitution ...
You still haven’t trashed this? Amazing, but thanks.
We could do it over a drink. I’ll buy. And I promise I won’t plead with you to come home. Well, only a little bit.
Please say yes (you’ll meet me, not yes you’ll come home-though you can if you want. I’d really like that).
Liam x
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.33
Subject: PS
I got your e-mail address from your receptionist. I didn’t do anything stalker-ish. I just asked nicely. It was really easy. Endemol security seems a bit slack. You might want to have a word.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.35
Subject: PPS
You left some bits and bobs in the laundry basket. I washed them for you.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.36
Subject: PPPS
I ironed them too.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.37
Subject: possible jumper
I’m really sorry to do thi
s to you, Liam, but I have Betina from Esmée Éloge on hold. She’s crying, literally hysterical. I’m genuinely afraid that if I don’t give her a Winter Sun recall ad soon, she may do something crazy, possibly involving self-harm. What do you say, old pal?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.38
Subject: Re: possible jumper
Clients, suicidal or otherwise, are your job. Why are you bothering me with it? I’m in the middle of something VERY IMPORTANT here.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.39
Subject: PPPPS
You’ve got a lot of post. I haven’t opened any of it, but you haven’t given me a forwarding address. So we have to meet up, don’t we? You know, so I can give it to you.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.40
Subject: PPPPPS
I love you.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.41
Subject: Re: possible jumper
I’d call a fucking trauma counselor, Liam, but they won’t be able to do me a FUCKING RECALL AD. That’s YOUR job. I could jeopardize our friendship by taking this to Ted. Do you really want me to do that?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.47
Subject: Re: possible jumper
Doing your ad now, you cock.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.09
Subject: new biz
Did you know Caroline has a Warhol pastiche hanging in her bedroom? It’s a screen print of that famous shot of the smoking lab beagle. Every time she goes to sleep, it reminds her that humanity’s two worst sins are cruelty to animals and the invention of cigarettes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a total fucking whore and I think your new biz win is fantastic—a terrific creative challenge and a very nice earner. Just to warn you, though, that Caroline probably won’t feel the same.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.12
Subject: Re: new biz
But Caroline isn’t here, is she? If at some distant point she does show up, you can comfort her with the fact that no animals were harmed in the signing of the contract.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.13
Subject:
Book me in for a lunchtime session with my trainer. I’m feeling manly.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.15
Subject: Re:
You’ve got anger management with Fabio at lunchtime.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.16
Subject: Re:
Tell him to go screw himself. But tell him nicely.
From: David Crutton
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.22
Subject: New Business Announcement
I am delighted to announce that Galax International Tobacco has appointed us as its lead agency in Europe and the Middle East. We will have custody of GIT’s entire roster of brands, including Lucky Seven, Ambassador, Montana and Old Scrote hand-rolling tobacco.
As you must know, GIT has a magnificent heritage that includes some of the most famous advertisements of any age. There’s the iconic Montana Man, of course, and I’m certainly old enough to remember when the Lucky Seven poster featuring all three Charlie’s Angels adorned every schoolboy’s bedroom wall. And despite the fact that it is over fifty years old, the now legendary “Those Smoking Moments” campaign for Ambassador remains an object lesson in single-minded communication. Who could forget the terrifically moving image of doctor and patient sharing their love of a harmless puff over the respirator?
Indeed, we have a great deal to live up to and our challenge is made that much tougher in these times of repressive legislation that infringes upon the legitimate commercial rights of tobacco manufacturers. It is, however, a challenge that we at Meerkat360 are more than equipped to rise to.
There will be champagne in reception at five.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.23
Subject:
So do you want me to organize the champagne?
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.24
Subject: Re:
Er, what do you think?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.25
Subject: Re:
Yes?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.27
Subject: Re:
I knew there was a reason I hired you.
And when you get a minute, nip out and buy me a pack of Montana Red.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.28
Subject: Re:
I thought you’d given up?!
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.30
Subject: Re:
Did you read my all-staffer? Make it two packs.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.42
Subject:
If you lot are going to tramp through my nice clean reception at five, make sure you wipe your feet. After the last new biz celebration, the place looked like fucking Glastonbury at chucking-out time.
Róisín
Reception
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.52
Subject: tonight
Hi Jan
I know it’s been a fraught few days, but how about you let me make it up to you over dinner tonight? I’ve just signed up Galax International and I’m feeling celebratory. We’ll celebrate the pregnancy too, of course. Fantastic news! I’m going to be a dad again! Hooray!
I’ll get Dotty to book something spectacular—David x
From: Neil Godley
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.57
Subject: Re: New Business Announcement
Hi David
I must inform you that, as a matter of conscience, I will be unable to work on the accounts of Galax International Tobacco.
Although I support the principles of the free market, I cannot condone the sale of an addictive poison.
Also, Jesus was a non-smoker.
I’m sorry if this creates a problem.
Neil Godley (Accounts)
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.59
Subject: Winter Sun
Left an idea with Ted. So long as he’s not having one of his contrary days, you should have something to present after lunch.
From: David Crutton
To: Neil Godley
Sent: 8 January 2009, 13.02
Subject: Re: New Business Announcement