From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.36
Subject: Re: unreal!
OMG, he was ten times worse. I think he must have been in therapy because he used to fire people for fun. Rumor was that when he found out he couldn’t fire an intern because she was going back to uni the next day, he chucked her down the lift shaft. Don’t know if it was true, but there was a dreadful smell for weeks.
BTW, thanks for taking me out. Retail therapy so works! I love my Daphne from Scooby-Doo dress. And those white loafers are so you!! Sx
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.38
Subject: Re: unreal!
Don’t you think they make me look a bit gay?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.39
Subject: Re: unreal!
Don’t be a sausage. Only a real man could carry off white shoes with Prince of Wales check trousers and a salmon-pink cardie. Trust me, I’m a Gaultier!
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.48
Subject: Re: runners ‘n’ riders
Great idea. I’m sure the reason Lorraine dumped you was your anal hirsuteness. In case you’re completely stupid, I’M BEING IRONIC. Cancel the hairdresser, go see Lorraine. She was the best thing that ever happened to you and if you let her walk away, you’re more insane than Vince (who as I write is turning a hot dog pack shot into a big spurty cock. He’s been a terror since he mastered Photoshop. Life was much safer when he just had his coloring-in book). I’ll check in tomorrow, by which time you will have talked to Lorraine. DO NOT LET ME DOWN.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.53
Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge Contact Report
Already got some great ideas for the Maggie bottle. We’re looking into casting it in pig iron. Might be a weight issue, but I’m sure we can overcome it with a premium price. And how about getting Armitage Shanks to produce a limited-edition porcelain bottle for George Michael?
Any news on this Big Client you cock-teased me with over Christmas?
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.59
Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge Contact Report
Might have something before the end of the week. I’d love to tell your partner too, but is she ever here? It’s just one bullshit seminar after another with her.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.07
Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge Contact Report
Caz does love her courses. Frustrating at times, but she gets some serious networking done at them. Kwik Fit and Trebor both signed up with us after they met her at Sex Sells: What Lap Dancers Can Teach Us About Marketing.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.12
Subject: Can’t believe I’m still here ...
... because the tree hasn’t moved a fucking inch. I swear that if someone doesn’t do something soon, the next client that walks in here will get it up his backside.
Róisín
Reception
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.15
Subject: reception
Am I right in thinking that the foul-mouthed receptionist reports to you? Do you think she’s the ideal face of Meerkat360? I suggest you begin the process of finding someone a little more decorous. And pretty.
She does have a point about the Christmas tree though. It’s a fucking eyesore. Please see that it’s removed.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.19
Subject: Esmée Éloge
Ted would like to know if there’s any chance of you showing him the Winter Sun recall ad before end of play. You have had the brief since Monday.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.20
Subject: If anyone can see ...
... Harvey Harvey, tell him Ted wants to brief him on Kwik Fit. And it’s time for his tablet.
From: Sally Wilton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.21
Subject: Re: reception
Hi David. Although Róisín does report to me, she was interviewed by Caroline and Ted and was very much their choice—Ted felt that she would “spunkify” the front-of-house area. The way things are normally done here, you would have to have Caroline and Ted’s agreement if you want to replace her.
My apologies for the delayed removal of the tree. Caroline gave me instructions that, since it still has its roots, it shouldn’t be disposed of in the usual fashion, but should be replanted. It has taken me a few days to locate a suitable plot.
A team of qualified arboriculturists will arrive shortly to transport it to the Christmas Tree Sanctuary in Abergavenny.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.23
Subject: Re: reception
Tell me, Sally, how the hell did Caroline manage to a) interview the sewer mouth and b) give you instructions on tree removal, since she is never fucking here? Is there some kind of telepathic technique you people use, to which I, as a relative newcomer, am not party?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.25
Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge
I’d say there’s roughly no chance. It’s an especially tricky brief. I know how Ted likes to challenge us and I don’t want to fail him. BTW, Harvey’s in the Romper Room. You’ll find him in the ball pit. You might need an excavator to get him out—he’s been there all day and I think he’s sunk. Also BTW, Bill thinks you look like Daphne from Scooby-Doo. Reckon you’re in there, girl.
From: David Crutton
To: Donald Gold
Cc: Ted Berry, Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.39
Subject: Fwd: Project Red Carpet
This just in from Maurice at Esmée Éloge. I expect you to take suitable action. No flying involved.
Begin forwarded message:
From: Maurice Weber
To: David Crutton
Cc: Camille Brunel, Betina Tofting
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.29
Subject: Project Red Carpet
Hi David
We had excellent meeting on Monday. Thanks you for making the journey. Your presentation has stimulated many more discussion.
We are particular excited about Dame Bleue (Margaret Thatcher). Camille especial feels that there is big market opportunity in political celebrity. She believes there is something highly sexual about the strong, independent political woman that may work on international stage. We would like you to consider other names: Angela Merkel, Carla Bruni, Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Cristina Fernández de Kirchner of Argentina all exude powerful musk.
Men also must be consider. Nicolas Sarkozy, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin press strong buttons of homoeroticism, which is the big factor in male scent selection at purchase point. We put these names in the hat. In your creativity you can certainly think of more.
We look forward to meet in Rio.
Best wishes,
Maurice Weber
Director, New Brand Development (Europe)
Esmée Éloge
From: Kazu Makino
To: Donald Gold
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.40
Subject: Re: Fwd: Project Red Carpet
I give you Dick Cheney, Eau My God. Am I pressing your strong buttons of homoeroticism, big boy?
From: Donald G
old
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.41
Subject: Re: Fwd: Project Red Carpet
Can’t think straight. Thoughts of Hillary have sent blood rushing from brain to groin. It’s enough to make me hetero.
From: Ted Berry
To: Creative Department
Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.44
Subject: Fucking result!
The guys at Esmée Éloge are officially blown away by our celebs. Maggie, having got them seriously hard, has the green light. They’ve asked for more names from the political arena. Ideas, please. Don’t hold back. Let’s have some out-there thinking. My starter for ten: Eva Braun.
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 7 January 2009, 17.10
Subject: Mugs
Luisa in the kitchen has informed me that eight mugs are missing. Can all those who have not returned them please do so or we will be obliged to revert to the days of environmentally unsound Styrofoam beverage receptacles.
From: Kirsten Richardson
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 17.29
Subject: Ready?
I’m starving!
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Kirsten Richardson
Sent: 7 January 2009, 17.30
Subject: Re: Ready?
Couple of things to do. See you in reception in five.
eBay.co.uk
8 mugs
Item specifics: sturdy yet elegant white china mugs. Genuine Conran logo. Equally suitable for coffee and tea. Would suit large family of coffee/tea drinkers. Or single coffee/tea drinker who can’t be arsed to wash up.
Thursday
Mood: litigious
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 8 January 2009, 09.39
Subject: piccy
Att: blue_peter.jpg
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.05
Subject:
How did it go with the hairdresser?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.06
Subject: Re:
Piss off.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.08
Subject: Re:
That well? You probably don’t want to hear this then, but I’m getting grief from Betina at Esmée Éloge. The Winter Sun problem isn’t going away. Negative PR is piling up and the client has seven lawsuits pending already. When’s the recall ad going to be ready?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.10
Subject: Re:
Like I said, piss off.
From: Maritza Person
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.11
Subject: eat yourself stiffer
Stay up all night long and take your ladylove to Planet Orgasma.
Go http://www.cheapmeds.com
From: Bruno Strong
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.12
Subject: iron rod
Hey, guy, want giant love wand you can use on submarine like a periscope? Click now http://www.bestviagra.com
From: Shabbir Gokulam
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.13
Have stiffest cum stick in city!! Go http://www.viagrabonanza.com
right now!!
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Alex Sofroniou
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.15
Subject: spam
What’s happened to the spam filter? I’m getting inundated and it’s fucking me right off.
From: Alex Sofroniou
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.18
Subject: Re: spam
Sorry, Liam. Filter’s down. Working on it now. Please bear with us.
bbc.co.uk/news
Racist attack
A Cleveland man was badly beaten outside a Middlesbrough nightclub.
William Maddren, a 27-year-old man from Stockton-on-Tees, is in hospital with severe facial injuries after what the police believe was a racially motivated attack. The apparently unprovoked assault by a gang of up to six youths took place in the early hours of this morning outside the Shampers nightclub in Middlesbrough. Before the attack, Maddren was allegedly taunted with racist insults.
The incident was witnessed by Joanne Craggs, Maddren’s girlfriend. She said: “It was absolutely terrifying. These vicious skinheads were shouting the N word and everything. I was screaming at them to stop, telling them that William is white. He’s a ginger and his skin is like magnolia emulsion. But he got a can of that Winter Sun and he came out looking like Samuel bloody Jackson.”
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.25
Subject: Someone get their arse down here NOW
I’ve got a very angry woman who wants to speak to whoever’s in charge of Winter Sun. She’s the color of my nan’s mahogany dresser and she’s freaking the sweet shit out of me. Is it asking too much that some fucker deals with her?
Róisín
Reception
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.26
Subject: Winter Sun
Hate to be a nag, but I really need that recall ad.
From: applications@E-zimoney.com
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.28
Subject: Your Loan Application
Dear Mr. O’Keefe
We regret to inform you that your application for a loan of£40,000
cannot be approved at this time. We are unable to acceptcaravan held in name of Mrs S. O’Keefe (applicant’s grandmother)
as security. Please feel free to reapply for a hassle-free E-zimoney loan in the future.
From: consultations@cro-magnon.com
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.29
Subject: Your Free Consultation
Dear Mr. O’Keefe
Thank you for submitting your photograph for a free online consultation. Unfortunately we are unable to help you at this time. For the Cro-Magnon® Miracle Transplant Technique to work, the client must have sufficient pre-existing hair to transplant. Regrettably your picture shows this not to be the case.
However, all is not lost! We are pioneering Cro-Magnon Canine®, a revolutionary technique that utilizes the hair of specially bred transgenic dogs. If you would like to take part in clinical trials, go to cro-maaon.com/woof today.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.31
Subject: Re: Winter Sun
This morning’s correspondence has established that I couldn’t give a tuppenny fuck about a poxy recall ad for a product aimed at those who believe their pathetic lives will be transformed if only they were the color of oiled teak. Speaking personally, I believe Esmée Éloge should tell the whinging sods to get lost. Let their unwanted deep-cocoa complexions shine as a very public symbol of the vacuous cunts they are. For once, we’d be doing society a favor.
Now fuck off and leave me alone.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter
Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.33
Subject: new business