really?
hahaha i’m kidding
there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
i’m coming over in five minutes
oh
by the way
do you have that cream from before
the anti chafing cream
we’re going to need a lot of it
to prevent chafing
oh okay
choirboys chafe easy imho
uuuuuuuughhh
nothing’s any good
what’s the matter
EVERYTHING
do you realize i’m never going to be able to have sex with the rain
i didn’t know you wanted to have sex with the rain
of course i want to have sex with the rain
how can you even say that
i feel like you don’t even know me
maybe
you should focus
on all the things that you can have sex with
Yeah maybe
i just want to live you know
right
i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy
right
Yeah and i want to do it with the rain but i can’t
uuuuuuuughhhh
i should just go die in Greece
what?
nothing
I wrote a poem today
do you want to hear it
okay
Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME
no sorry
fuck
i gotta write some letters
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh
John Keats
oh my god
oh my god
do you know what I LOVE
like what I am just crazy about
is it this urn
THIS
URN
I figured
you seemed really excited
THIS GRECIAN URN
it’s really pretty
FUCK OFF WITH THAT REALLY PRETTY BULLSHIT
IT’S THE BRIDE OF QUIETNESS
IT’S THE CHILD OF TIME AND OF SILENCE AND IT’S SO GOOD
IT’S LIKE IMAGINARY MUSIC
I FUCKING LOVE THIS URN SO MUCH
IT’S GOT A PRIEST ON IT
HE’S ALL MYSTERIOUS
FUCKIN MYSTERIOUS PRIEST
THERE’S A COW ON IT
WEARING FLOWERS
AND MAIDENS
IT’S GOT TRUTH ON IT
THIS URN TELLS THE GODDAMN TRUTH
IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL
right, right
FUCK YOU
ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT IT
I am
I am looking at it
ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING AT IT
I am
I swear
like really look at it though
okay
okay I will
good
Sorry
it’s okay
I didn’t mean to get so carried away
I know
I just love this urn
so much
it really is a great urn
it really is
i just love it so much
it’s okay
Emma
darling Emma
have you seen our friend Mr. Martin?
he was to take me to tea this afternoon but he isn’t here
oh Harriet!
do you really still like him??
oh
I did
Yes
i told him you were not virtuous
and i think that got rid of him
i didn’t think you still liked him
you wouldn’t have liked him for much longer anyhow
lol what would your name even have been if
you married him
“Mrs. Farmer”??
that’s not even a name, Harriet
“hi I’m Mrs. Farmer I’m married to a farm”
bugs live on farms, Harriet
also
for another thing
he is dreadful at whist
oooh
do you want to come over and play whist??
wait
i think it was Mr. Martin
i definitely told SOMEONE you were not virtuous
lollll
idk who exactly but
it was for sure definitely someone
Father
I want to make a new house rule
no more servants getting married
remember when Miss Taylor got married?
it was awful
we didn’t have enough people in the house to play whist for weeks
anyhow
I guess what I’m trying to say is
I told Hannah she has to turn down Mr. Smith
I was firm but fair
she’s the only one in the servant’s hall to ever lead a grand slam
and she wanted to throw that away
just because she is with child
anyhow
want to come downstairs and play whist???
One new voicemail from Jane Fairfax
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do you know what I can’t stand
what
reserved people
oh my god right
I could definitely never marry a reserved person
ahhhhhh Frank
I’m the same
me too I’m the same way
do you know what I LOVE though
living life to the fullest
shut up
and dancing
and whist??
oh totally whist
whisting to the fullest
I agree completely
wow
we’re like the same person
the same not-reserved person
I’ve never met anyone like you
Frank
would you like to come over and play whist?
no
not whist
Piquet
ahhh sorry can’t
i’m married
:(
Pride and Prejudice
And you must see to it that your sister invites Mr. Bingley, Lizzie
He isn’t here, Mother
Isn’t here?
he must be here
the ball is in seven days
and if he is not here then how will we convince our
Mr. Darcy to attend?
Mr. Darcy is not here either
no?
but I thought he was in London
for business
and would return in time for the ball
No
he is not in London
he is on a ship
he is going to war
but this is terrible news
There is an actual war on right now
against Napoleon
how could this have happened??
He was commissioned months ago
And Mr. Bingley?
He is also there
bsp; He is also at the war that is happening now
oh my god
we are going to have to put off this ball
Probably yes
do you know who I miss?
Who?
Mr. Collins
remember Mr. Collins?
remember him?
remember when he visited?
I do
I do remember
what I liked about him the most
was how much he wanted to marry you
remember that?
Yes
remember when there was someone who wanted to marry you
yes
hahahaha
there isn’t anyone like that now
Mother, have you seen Mary?
No one has seen her since Jane returned from London
Mary?
yes
Mary who?
I don’t know anybody by that name
Mary
Mary Bennett
mm
I don’t believe so
doesn’t sound familiar
Does this mean that Mr. Wickham has left too?
for the war?
yes
you’re asking if military officer Mr. Wickham has also gone off to war?
yes
He has also gone off to war, yes
Just
good God
if there is a man you are thinking of
under the age of 35
who is in the militia or an officer of any kind
he is probably at the war
is that where your friend Mary went too
the one who went missing
I don’t think so
well you should check
apparently everyone is going there
apparently no one is going to balls anymore because they just
can’t get enough of Napoleon
did you mean MARY?
did I mean what?
when you were talking about Mary earlier
were you talking about MARY Mary?
which Mary did you think I was talking about?
the tall one
the one who lives upstairs
with the glasses
the upstairs girl
who frowns at the piano
oh Jane i’m so happy for you
Thank you
and Lizzie too of course
Yes, that’s wonderful
and now Lydia too
thank God you all found such wonderful men to marry
Thank you
we would all honestly be homeless right now if you hadn’t
I suppose that’s true
we would have nowhere to go
everyone we know would just
allow that to happen to us
I hope you don’t think I was so hard on all of you about it
without cause
No of course not
It’s just that if you didn’t marry I would spend the rest of my life
worrying about my homeless daughters
I’m just glad we’re all so happy now
and even if you aren’t very happy
literally your only other options would have been prostitution or
begging
so
Let’s not talk about it
Please have sons
all right, Mother
have sons and be happy
I know
I’m still going to lose the house
the minute your father dies
he’ll just be dead and I’ll have no husband
and no house and nothing
I know
I’m going to have to live with one of you
you’re going to have let me move in with you
until I die
I know
Christ, it’s awful
It really is
Moby-Dick
HROOOOOOOARRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOGH
good God in heaven
what is this?
HROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRRRRGGGGGHHHOO
OOOORROOOOOHHH
it is the whale
it is the whale!
Bellow all you like
this boat never sheers off from anything that wears the
shape of a whale
LOLLLLLL no
it’s just me
Jesu Christ
Ahab?
lol you should have seen the look on your face
my face?
are you here?
are you in my cabin?
lol
Maybe
my God
I thought the old white bull was upon us at last
Ishmael
hey Ishmael
have i ever told you how to make soap out of whale oil
Captain, if you do not need me, I must go back to sleep
I shall need my rest for tomorrow’s hunt
did u know u can make margarine out of whale oil
I did not
margarine!
who would have guessed
I do not know, Captain
so for starters
you actually have to hydrogenate it
which I know sounds crazy but that’s how you get rid of
that fishy smell
I see
you know that fish smell I mean
like what everything smells like right now
do you realize we could be back on Martha’s Vineyard in like six
hours?
maybe eight
in less than a day we could be having dinner on Martha’s Vineyard
after we have slain the whale, of course?
ugh
yes sure fine
whatever
we could be there in eight hours, is all I’m saying
only after you have burst the hot heart of the mighty whale
with spears and with knives and harpoons
and we bear its carcass triumphantly back to shore
uuugh
it’s like always harpoons with you Ishmael
hey what are you doing
like right now
i am shrouded in blackness
in ten times black
i am tending to the oil vats and stripping the fat
awesome
awesome
that sounds awesome
Do you need something from me, Captain?
not really
I guess not
are you with Queequeg right now
he is in his bunk
recovering from his brush with death
cool cool
will you tell him I say hi?
certainly
great
it’s not a big deal or anything
you can make it sound casual
ask him what he’s doing for dinner
if he wants to have dinner in the captain’s quarters
with me obviously
haha
like obviously I wouldn’t ask him to just have dinner
by himself in a weird new part of the ship all alone
Is there any other message I should give him?
hmm?
About the hunt tomorrow?
hunt tomorrow
For the whale
For the white whale
for the white whale, or the devil
yesss oh yes definitely
yes for sure that is still on
whales whales whales
I am super prepared for whales
Tomorrow
I will tell him
Would you like me to ask him if he will attend the hunt, then?
oh my God
why so many Queequeg questions
Captain?
you’re just
asking a lot of questions about him is all
it’s kind of like you’re obsessed with him or something
do you ever worry
that the whale is like
a metaphor
a me
taphor?
yeah
sometimes
me too
me too
do you wanna nail stuff to the mast?
yeah
ok
be there in five