Texts from
Jane Eyre
And Other Conversations with
Your Favorite Literary Characters
Mallory Ortberg
Henry Holt and Company
New York
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Contents
Part I
Medea
Gilgamesh
Achilles
Dido
Plato
Circe
Medea, Part II
King Midas
The Wife of Bath
William Blake
King Lear
John Donne
Hamlet
Don Quixote
Hamlet, Part II
René Descartes
William Wordsworth
Hamlet, Part III
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Hamlet, Part IV
Part II
Jane Eyre
Sherlock Holmes
Emily Dickinson
Oliver Twist
Lord Byron
John Keats
Emma
Pride and Prejudice
Moby-Dick
Great Expectations
Gone with the Wind
Edgar Allan Poe
Treasure Island
Gone with the Wind, Part II
Part III
“The Yellow Wallpaper”
Wuthering Heights
Little Women
Hamlet, Part V
Henry David Thoreau
Daisy Miller
The Island of Dr. Moreau
Daisy Miller, Part II
Les Misérables
A Tale of Two Cities
Rudyard Kipling
Daisy Miller, Part III
Daisy Miller, Part IV
The Sun Also Rises
Agatha Christie
The Great Gatsby
Daisy Miller, Part V
J. Alfred Prufrock
Virginia Woolf
William Faulkner
Daisy Miller, Part VI
Peter Pan
The Great Gatsby, Part II
Part IV
Sweet Valley High
The Outsiders
The American Girl Series
The Baby-Sitters Club
Nancy Drew
Atlas Shrugged
Fight Club
The Lorax
Rebecca
Cormac McCarthy
The Hunger Games
William Carlos Williams
Harry Potter
The Little Prince
Part I
Medea
hiiiiiiii
hi who is this
it’s Glauce right??
that is such a pretty name
I am so crazy about how pretty your name is
“Jason and Glauce” sounds so good together
thank you
who is this?
when is the WEDDING
I hope you guys have the Argonauts as groomsmen
and they do the sword thing
you know where they make the little roof with their swords
and you run down underneath it
it’s so cute
oh my god what am I saying
you probably already have a million plans, it’s your wedding
it was just my favorite part of my wedding
(except for the part where I married Jason!!!)
(he is so fun to be married to)
(tell him I say hi!!!)
sorry
who is this
So I know we got off on the wrong foot
it’s Medea!! save my number okay
oh
Hello
but I wanted you to know
I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings
all of my feelings about you are just
so soft
and so normal
just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love
okay
anyhow so to SHOW YOU how soft my feelings are
I got you guys a wedding present!!!
I know it’s not really “traditional” for the old wife to buy the new
wife a gift
(especially when she is still technically married to Jason)
(who tell him I say hi!!!)
buuuut I couldn’t help myself
oh! you must mean the box that came on Thursday
yessss I TOTALLY MEAN THAT
it’s a dress
it’s a wedding dress
thank you
I mean, I already have a wedding dress picked out
but this is very sweet
do you know what you should do though
you should put it on
you should put it on your skin and wear it just for a minute
(be sure to put it on your skin)
Gilgamesh
come along Gilgamesh
be you my husband
to me grant your lusciousness
I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli
with wheels of gold
be my husband and I will be your wife
oh wow
Ishtar
that’s so flattering
I’m so flattered
the Lullubu people will bring you produce of the mountains
as tribute
your she-goats will bear triplets
that’s such a tempting offer
your ewes twins
your donkey will overtake the mule
i would just
love to
but super quick question
how is your boyfriend Tammuz
these days
is he still
trapped in the Underworld?
I don’t know what you mean
how about all your other boyfriends
still horribly dead
or turned into wolves?
you know what
never mind
i’m just super curious
since you’ve murdered exactly all of them
if maybe you were planning
on doing that to me too
i hope you get eaten by dogs
there it is
Achilles
Achilles?
Kiddo? Achilles?
Hey bud you in there?
hey champ I know you’re in there
I can see you
We just want to talk
okay?
no im not
you’re not what
not in your tent?
no
buddy it’s okay to be a little upset
IM NOT UPSET
okay
IM FULL OF RIGHTEOUS FURY
okay
THE ANGER OF ACHILLES SON OF PELEUS BRINGS
COUNTLESS ILL UPON THE ACHAEANS
SO I DONT GET “A LITTLE UPSET” OK
okay you got it
we were just wondering
when you might be thinking
of coming back to the war that we’re having
well A of all youre being condecending
what did I say?
it wasnt what you said it was HOW you said it
and B of all i quit war forever
so
that’s when i’m coming back
whenever i un-forever quit war, which is never, so never
what’s this about, buddy?
he took that girl i liked
who did
that guy
I can’t say his name
the guy with the long name and the sun helmet
Agamemnon?
yeah that guy
he took that girl I like
which girl?
I DONT REMEMBER
GOD
what is this
name remembering day
the one who was always holding the wine
she was always carrying something
okay
okay
would it help if we got her back?
no
it would not help
and youre being condescending again
and im going home
what will you do if you go home?
i dunno
stuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in it
so maybe ill do that
farming?
yeah
go home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls
i like
and i hope you all die in this stupid war
you don’t mean that
you don’t mean your face
what?
leave me alone
Dido
hey babe
when are you going to be home
tonight do you think
This number has been disconnected
or is otherwise out of service.
Plato
okay Glaucon so
i want you to picture a cave full of prisoners
who have been in the cave their whole lives
and they’re all shackled in a line facing the back wall
my god
what a nightmare
those poor people
ok no
I mean yes, it’s terrible, but no that’s not the point
anyhow
they’re shackled so they can only look at the back wall
they can’t move their heads
what monster would do this
and there’s a fire behind them
A FIRE IN THE CAVE
MY GOD
THESE POOR SOULS WILL BURN TO DEATH
WE MUST RESCUE THEM
no it’s just
it’s just a thought experiment
I want to talk about epistemology
WHAT FOUL SPIRIT WOULD CHAIN HUMAN BEINGS UNDER
THE EARTH LIKE HADES
no one
no one
they’re just there
WE MUST MAKE HASTE
THESE SHACKLED CITIZENS CANNOT FREE THEMSELVES
it’s an allegory
the cave is just an allegory
IMPOSSIBLE
IT IS THE WORK OF A KNAVE AND A BRIGAND
AND I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL HE IS DEAD
Circe
hi Odysseus
what are you doing for dinner tonight
Circe.
what
oh my god whatttt
Circe
stop it with my name
i don’t know what you’re mad about
are you mad
Circe I’m not coming over for dinner
whyyyyy
you know why
no i don’t
I’m a witch
not a
not the captain of knowing why of things
what are all those pigs doing outside your house
I don’t know
whatever pigs do
truffle-hunting
Circe
i think the technical term is mycophagy
but I’m not 100% on that
where did the pigs come from Circe
i don’t know
a pig farm
a pig mommy and a pig daddy who loved each other very much
and gave each other a special handshake
CIRCE
oh my god okay fine
they’re your crew, you got me
i turned all of your friends into pigs
why did you turn my friends into pigs
i don’t know
maybe the real question is
why are your friends
so turn-into-pigsable
turn them back into humans
will you come over for dinner if i turn them back into humans
turn them back into humans first and we’ll talk
uuugh
Finnnneeeee
and turn them back into REGULAR humans
what do you mean
just like how they were before
not
i don’t know
or a thousand years old
or with no arms
just the same, normal people
haha oh my god
what do you even think i am
i would never do that
Circe
you own an entire island of badgermen
you don’t know that island wasn’t already like that when I got here
was it like
was it full of half-men half-badgers?
i don’t have to answer that question
it was full of a lot of things when i got here
anyhow shut up
i fixed your stupid friends
who by the way are stupid and boring
CIRCE
im kidddddding godddd
Medea
Part II
hiiiiii
hi hi hi
its me again (Medea, just in case im not
already in your phone yet)
how was the dress???
oh do you know
I actually haven’t had the chance to try it on yet
I’ve been so busy
okay
okay that’s not a problem
I sent you guys something else
I don’t think we have anything
look outside
it’s another box
THE BOX IS FROM ME
(are you surprised)
a little bit
how did you know where we live
i mean
how does anyone know anything right
you should open the box right now
it’s a cake
for your wedding!
so just
go ahead and eat some right now
to make sure that it’s normal and good
for the wedding
and tell me if you like it!!!
Medea
are you eating it
how does it taste
Medea I’m not eating this cake
oh sorry can you not eat processed flour
i should have asked
do you have allergies
Medea
I’m not going to try on the dress or eat this cake
why not???
you know why
they’re both full of poison
whaaaat
the cake is black and the icing ate right through the box
how would poison even get in there
the dress caught on fire
that’s how much poison was on it
well i’m going to
i’m going to have a very stern talk with that seamstress
ill get you another present to make up for it
please don’t
King Midas
The Wife of Bath
hey are you still up
can i come over
sure
its Allyson btw
cool
William Blake
hi
hi
I got you a present
you did?
I drew you something
oh wow
is it horrifying?
no
do you promise?
William?
do you promise me that it’s not horrifying?
i drew you something
W
illiam
you know what I mean
what do you mean by horrifying
is anyone being
flayed alive in it
or committing suicide
or does something have eyes that shouldn’t have eyes
you know what I mean
horrifying
never mind
sorry i bothered you
William
it isn’t that
you know I like your drawings
i know
I just already have so many watercolors of flayings already
I wouldn’t know where to put another one