didn’t tell employees that Jack had also applied for the promotion.
Jack didn’t mention it either; he figured he’d be chosen. Jack didn’t
know that a board member had privately cal ed each manager and
senior staff member except Lexie and Jack and said, “Please keep
this call confidential. We have some external candidates, but I would
like to know if any current managers would make a good executive
director.”
Three days before the board meeting, Lexie discovered a rogue
virus had wiped out accounting records. “Can’t be fixed,” said Jack.
Lexie cal ed her son and then an outside service who confirmed Jack’s
diagnosis.
“Thank God for last week’s backup,” Lexie thought, only to discover
that the backup tape was also compromised. Lexie suspected Jack had
engineered her problems. Lexie and her team pul ed two al -nighters,
re-creating as much of the work as they could using paper records to
update the prior month’s backup.
As accounting manager, Lexie routinely provided the board mem-
bers a quarterly financial review and had also planned to brief them on
the fund-raising efforts she’d spearheaded. Exhausted, Lexie presented
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Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins, and Other Bullies ❚ 43
an abbreviated version of the review and briefing and explained there
had been a computer malfunction.
“Just a darn minute,” Jack leapt up from his seat at the rear of the
boardroom. “Don’t go blaming IT for slipshod management. We can’t
fix stupid.”
“What do you mean, Jack?” asked a board member known to be
Jack’s drinking buddy.
Jack preened. “While IT has antivirus software and protocols to pre-
vent viruses, we can’t prevent human error. Someone on the account-
ing team intentional y disabled our preventative measures to be able
to download a corrupted application and that brought down the
accounting department.”
“He just implied I run a loose ship,” thought Lexie. “How clever. If I can’t
run accounting, how could I possibly oversee the whole operation?”
Perhaps the scariest bullies are the authoritarian, forceful,
mean-spirited individuals who dominate and control others’ work
lives. These bullies attack with vengeance and without qualms. Like
the scorched-earth fighters, wounded rhinos battle ruthlessly; how-
ever, they seek domination rather than destruction of their target.
Like the animal from which they get their name, wounded rhinos
are ill-tempered and become more so when they’re disturbed. When
attacking, a real rhino lowers its head, snorts, breaks into a gallop
reaching thirty miles or more an hour, and gores or strikes powerful
blows with its horns.
You may feel a calculated malevolence exuding from the wounded
rhino in your workplace. These bullies delight in your squirming and
deliberately undermine you in an attempt to feel superior. Wounded
rhinos run rampant over those they perceive are in their way, regard-
less of the consequences; they simply don’t care.
Chapter 17 offers you strategies for avoiding the wounded rhino’s
charge.
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44 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
The Character Assassin
“A REAL BITCH,” Kevin said, talking behind closed doors with each of
his coworkers about his supervisor, Georgia. Kevin regaled each listener
with detailed stories, some true but most made up, concerning Geor-
gia’s foibles. When Georgia irritated a fel ow employee, Kevin lost no
time making sure every staff member knew all the details, presented
one-sidedly and with embel ishment.
Kevin beat a path to each newly hired employee’s desk. “Just for your
own protection,” he told them, “don’t trust Georgia. She’s responsible for
a lot of heartache. You need to know she secretly tapes meetings with
you, reads your emails, and listens in on your cal s.”
Some of the employees whom Kevin warned quit before the end of
their first day. Others distrusted whatever Georgia told them about her
management style. Oddly, none distrusted Kevin. Thus, Kevin success-
ful y trashed his target’s reputation.
Kevin spent hours on the Internet, researching Georgia and setting
up alternate Hotmail, Facebook, and Yahoo accounts from which he
posted nasty remarks and bogus stories about her. Kevin never worried
about the truth, only about creating stories that would titil ate those who
viewed his posts.
While Georgia never discovered who initiated the horrid posts, she
knew it had to be someone with whom she worked. Eventual y she quit
and moved to a different state.
Character assassins tell destructive stories about others to dis-
credit them and get them out of the way. They ruthlessly defame their
targets and knock others down so they can feel taller. They act with-
out remorse and enjoy the results they achieve.
Chapter 18 contains strategies for neutralizing the character
assassin’s reputation damage.
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Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins, and Other Bullies ❚ 45
Chances are you’ve met a few of these seven bully types, including
some who combine elements of several types. They lurk in every
workplace, and unless you learn to handle yourself, you’re prey.
The good news starts with the next chapter.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. Which of these bul y types have you met, or is your bul y a
combination of several of these types? What can you add
to the descriptions in this chapter?
2. What does a bul y’s lack of internal brakes tell you about
what you can and can’t expect when you next encounter
a bul y?
3. Have you met a bul y who rationalized his or her behavior?
If you haven’t, imagine what it might be like. If you initial y
believed the bul y’s excuses and later realized you’d let that
bul y evade responsibility, what would you like to say to this
bul y now?
4. Select a bul y currently in your work life or one you’ve
recently encountered. Knowing what you know now, what
would you like to say to him or her?
5. What aspects of yourself do you see in those on the receiv-
ing end of bul ying in these anecdotes? How can you use
one or more of these real-life stories to create a starting
point from which you can address your own situation more
effectively than you otherwise might have?
6. Which bul y type do you fear the most? How come?
7. How has a bul y demeaned, threatened, or intimidated
you?
8. Do you feel bul ies have remorse? What does your answer
tell you?
9. What should you do if you work under a Bernard or along-
side a Camil e?
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46 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
10. What do you wish Marie had done?
11. Who do think eventual y succeeded, Jack or Lexie?
12. How have you been demeaned or threatened by a bul y?
13. What’s the best insight you’ve gained from this chapter?
14. What’s one step you’ll put into place that’s within your
expanding comfort zone and doesn’t pose a risk to you?
Whatever step you select, take it within seven days.
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5
IT’S YOUR CHOICE: TO CONFRONT
OR NOT TO CONFRONT
We must build dikes of courage to hold back
the flood of fear.
—MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
LIKE MANY BULLIES, WAYNE sought out a new victim after Marie fled
their partnership. He zeroed in on Arnold.
“Hey, little man, what kind of crap is this?” Wayne chal enged when
Arnold handed him a report at the end of the morning meeting. Arnold
felt, more than saw, his coworkers cast their eyes to the ground and slink
away. He’d seen this happen when Wayne had “poked fun” at Marie.
Heck, he’d slunk away himself.
What to do? He couldn’t think of a thing to say. Perhaps accommo-
dation was the safest route. “I’ll take it back and fix it.”
“You do that, little man,” Wayne mocked. “And don’t bring me crap
again.”
Four hours later, Arnold cal ed his wife and said, “I’ll be home late. I’ve
got to rework the project.”
“What? You slaved over that for weeks. You were so proud of it when
you finished yesterday.”
“Wel , the boss didn’t like it.”
After he hung up the phone, Arnold looked at his work and ran
through ways to defend it if Wayne rejected it again.
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48 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
“No magic bul et,” he thought. I’ll create a new cover page; that’s
all Wayne glanced at before tossing it back to me. It’s that or get a new
job.
SEVEN STEPS TO CONFRONTING CONFRONTATION
If you face a Wayne, a bully who continually provokes you, here’s
what works.
Step #1: Control Your Initial Reaction
Imagine a large, angry tiger leaping toward you, its teeth bared in a
ferocious snarl. If you truly imagine this, you may feel your breath
catching, back stiffening, and the urge to run. In the grip of your
desire to flee, you lose the battle before it begins. The tiger, able to
outrun you, sinks its claws and teeth into your back.
When you react to a threat, you rarely think clearly and some-
times don’t think at all. If, like most people, your reaction is one of
fear, you may temporarily stop breathing or breathe shallowly and
rapidly. When that happens, you momentarily lose easy, simultaneous
access to both mental hemispheres, the left and the right.
Fear caused by the bully’s intimidation “pulls” you toward process-
ing information in your right hemisphere, the hemisphere that comes
into play when you emotionally react, develop creative approaches, or
access your intuition.
To handle bullying, you also need the ability to think and to put
your thoughts into language. These functions, along with the ability
to strategize and think ahead to future consequences, are located in
your left hemisphere.
Table 5-1 outlines the mental functions of the left and right
hemispheres.
This explains why you may occasionally be unable to speak when
upset, or say things you later regret deeply. It also explains why you
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It’s Your Choice: To Confront or Not to Confront ❚ 49
can realize so much intuitively, yet not be able to use what you per-
ceive in an analytical, problem-solving manner.
LEFT HEMISPHERE
RIGHT HEMISPHERE
Logic
Reaction
Analysis and problem solving
Emotion
Language
Intuition
Sense of future consequences
Creativity
Table 5-1. Brain function: The role of the left and right hemispheres.
If you are able to calm yourself by slowing and deepening your
breathing, you increase your ability to access left and right hemi-
spheres simultaneously and to couple analysis and problem-solving
with emotion, intuition, and creativity.
The Coastline Breathing Technique. To quickly and successfully
learn to slow your breathing, try “coastline breathing.”
Here’s how: Imagine you’re standing on a beach. Let yourself
watch the waves moving first toward, and then away from, the shore.
Does the image of watching waves calm you? If you find the sensa-
tion of watching waves relaxing, you’re halfway to learning coastline
breathing.
Now, notice your breathing as air moves in and out of your nose
and chest. Breathing flows like waves; there’s an inhalation, a transi-
tional pause, an exhalation, and another transitional pause. In coast-
line breathing, you notice your breathing rhythm in the same way you
might watch waves.
Close your eyes and try it. As you focus on your breathing as
air flows in and out of your nose and chest, you’ll notice the rhythm
automatically slows and deepens. Once you can allow your breath-
ing to slow and deepen with your eyes closed, open your eyes and see
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if you can slow and deepen your breathing simply by paying atten-
tion to it.
Test this out, and allow yourself to slowly breathe while you pay
attention to something else, such as the words in this book. You’ve
learned coastline breathing, an essential step in controlling your initial
reaction, so the bully no longer takes control of you or the situation.
Step #2: Control Your Response
Controlling your initial instinctive reaction frees you to respond
rather than react and leaves you free to choose whether and how to
handle a bully. While you may feel trapped or intimidated by the sit-
uation the bully has put you in, you have choices; you simply have to
uncover them.
Step #3: Assess the Situation
Controlling your response and assessing the situation creatively helps
you make a set of choices you’ll feel comfortable with and lays the
foundation for developing your mental game plan. Ask yourself:
❚ What’s going on?
❚ Is this how I want to be treated?
❚ Is this situation or bully worth taking on?
❚ If so, how?
Before you act, make a detailed assessment of what’s going on. In
this way, you’ll be able to develop the right plan as well as the confi-
dence you need to put your plan into action.
Before Acting, Questions to Ask Yourself. Imagine that I’m sitting
across the table from you and asking you the following questions. It
may help to answer them out loud as if I’m right there, or to write out
your answers on paper or on your computer. If you prefer, you can
simply think through the answers.
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It’s Your Choice: To Confront or Not to Confront ❚ 51
1. Describe your bully. Is she new to your organization or a
long-term employee? What role does she play in your work
life? Is she your boss, a coworker, or another employee?
2. What do you depend on the bully for and how does the
bully depend on you? (Although the bully may frustrate
you by not giving you the answers you need to finish proj-
ects, if the bully depends on you for information or other
assistance, you have leverage.)
3. How do others see your bully? Do they see her as a bully
or simply as a strong-willed, opinionated individual? What
does she bring to the organization in terms of talents?
4. Where and when does the bully hassle you—behind closed
doors or in front of an audience?
5. Was the bullying a one-time incident or is it ongoing?
6. How does she bully you; that is, what does she actually do?
Is it the words she uses, her tone of voice, or the look on
her face? (Pick one or two instances and describe them in
detail.)
7. How is the bully’s behavior affecting you?
8. Have you told the bully the situation needs to change?
Step #4: Determine Why You Are the Target
Next, ask yourself “Why me?” not to blame yourself, which you may
have done in the past, but to try to figure out what led this particular
bully to select you.
Before Acting, Questions to Ask Yourself. Ask yourself the follow-
ing questions:
1. Were you simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, or
did you ignore warning signs and stay in a situation you
should have left? Does the bully want something you have,
whether it’s your job or relationships? Does the bully mea-
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52 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
sure himself against you in some way, and because you’re
older, younger, prettier, smarter, thinner, married, single,
aligned with the boss, more popular, or more skilled, con-
sider you a threat to his position or to getting what he wants?
2. Does the bully underestimate you, your resiliency, or your
ability to stand up for yourself? If so, how have you con-
tributed to this? Have you signaled you’re an easy target
or put up with crappy treatment? Have you given away