ing others. The answer is no. Bullies have a conscience with as many
holes as a thin slice of Swiss cheese. Counter a bully and you’ll hear
the bully respond, “I’m going to make you regret you ever met me.” In
contrast to those who practice the golden rule and treat others as well
as or better than they treat themselves, bullies seek to rule.
Bullies do, however, protect those they see as important to, or
as extensions of, themselves. Thus, many bully parents dote on their
children yet trash their spouses. In the work world, bullies care about
those who gratify their egos or can help them succeed, often showing
one face to those higher in the organizational hierarchy and another
to peers or subordinates.
Bullies hate seeing others receive more rewards, demonstrate
greater talent, or achieve better success. While truly self-confident individuals don’t need to put others down to feel big, bullies’ aggressive behaviors are designed to prove to others and themselves that
they’re superior.
Bullies need to win and exert power to dominate emotionally,
physically, and psychologically as well as to win workplace rewards.
They consider the workplace a pecking order and endlessly work to
prove they’re the biggest rooster.
You may ask, “What’s the difference between bullies and other
difficult workplace personalities?” Many people can be difficult or
unpleasant, particularly if others give them reason. For example,
you may work with someone who occasionally lashes out at you,
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Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins, and Other Bullies ❚ 35
particularly when under stress. This person may not intend to snap
at you and may even apologize for it. In contrast, bullies knowingly
and persistently intimidate, humiliate, and threaten others, without
remorse.
ALL BULLIES ARE NOT ALIKE
While bullies don’t wear black hats, you can train yourself to recog-
nize the seven classic workplace bully types. Which of these have you
encountered in your work life?
The Angry, Aggressive Jerk
You may have met a bully like Bernard, the shouting want-to-be drill
sergeant boss who stomped and stormed with self-righteous anger.
Bernard’s favorite tactic when a new employee joined the group was to
announce a discussion topic at staff meetings and then shout, “Speak!
Ideas! Cream rises to the top. This is your chance to shine and keep
your job!” When a brave new employee offered a suggestion, Bernard
yelled, “Wrong answer!” and as the new employee looked around in
dismay, “You’re fired.” New employees who took the bait and got up
to leave the room then heard Bernard’s manic laughter as he enjoyed
his joke.
Perhaps you work alongside an outspoken, fault-finding coworker
like Camille, who demands you play the passive, obedient listener as
she bashes others. The moment you protest by defending the coworker
who has landed on Camille’s bad side, Camille turns her fury on
you. If you “learn your lesson,” you no longer voice ideas contrary to
Camille’s, but instead listen mutely to her monologue.
Not always right but never in doubt, the angry, aggressive bully
gets right in your face and tells you off when he’s having a bad day.
These arrogant know-it-alls mask incompetence with bombast and
act as if everyone else is a lesser being. Wielding nitpicking comments
as weapons, they erode the self-esteem of those around them.
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36 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Here’s what you can expect when you work around an angry,
aggressive jerk:
❚ Blaming, demeaning, belittling comments
❚ Insults and name-calling
❚ Fault-finding and harangues about your incompetence
Working around an angry, aggressive jerk keeps you on constant
emotional and physical high-alert since the next attack may come any
minute. This tension saps your energy, leaving you increasingly less
able to handle the continued onslaught.
In Chapters 7, 9, 10, and 12 you’ll find strategies for silencing the
angry, aggressive jerk.
The Scorched-Earth Fighter
MARIE AND WAYNE initial y went into business together but soon found
they couldn’t work well together. When they first met, Wayne liked Marie
for her personal strength and talents; he soon hated her for the small
ways in which she stood up to him. When others complimented Marie
for her talent and accomplishments, Wayne burned inside. In his world,
Wayne intended to reign as king with no queen, only loyal subjects.
Marie didn’t mind Wayne taking the lead in most areas, but she had
a brain. Although she never argued, she voiced her opinions. This was
too much for Wayne; he didn’t want others having views different from
his. He thundered his disapproval whenever Marie asked him to consider
an alternative.
Marie watched as employees who sided with her cast their eyes
down when Wayne slammed his fist in anger on her desk. She worried
that Wayne would take his anger at her out on them. Her supporters
shared Marie’s concern, and one by one they joined Wayne’s camp,
quit, or were fired by Wayne when Marie was off-site with clients.
After several months, Marie realized she was becoming someone
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Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins, and Other Bullies ❚ 37
she didn’t want to be, her fear clinging to her like sweat. She stopped
voicing her opinions. “Yes, Wayne, whatever you decide” became her
mantra. When she heard her own voice, she didn’t recognize the plain-
tive tone.
Stil , Marie stayed, hoping things would change. One day, she caught
sight of her image in the restroom mirror and didn’t immediately recog-
nize herself. Her head hung low, her shoulders were stooped, and her
eyes had lost their sparkle. Was she a role model for her employees, or a
picture of what not to become?
When Marie final y told Wayne she needed to dissolve their partner-
ship, she no longer saw herself as someone deserving of respect. She left
Wayne everything, from her cell phone to all the products, services, and
systems they’d built during their three-year partnership.
Wayne wasn’t done with Marie. He hated her for leaving and de-
nounced her to everyone who would listen. He made it clear to his em-
ployees that if they connected with Marie in any way, it was an act of
disloyalty to him. Wayne needed to win.
Because Wayne was so sure of himself, he was convincing. Soon,
most employees agreed with him that any past problems stemmed
from Marie’s poor judgment. Others in the industry also took sides, few
remembering Marie’s talents and most believing Wayne’s pronounce-
ments. Marie didn’t have enough faith in herself left to stay in the industry in which she’d formerly excel ed. She chose a new field and began the
long, slow climb back to the person she had been.
The so
-convinced-he’s-right, “scorched-earth” fighter pulls out all
the stops to take out his opponent. Wayne, willing to do anything and
everything to win, typifies this cold, calculating, cutthroat, bully type.
It wasn’t enough for Wayne to win; he needed anyone who crossed
him to lose. Scorched-earth fighters want everything their targets
possess—reputation, authority, connections—and don’t stop until
they’ve destroyed anyone who stands up to them.
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38 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Chapter 13 contains winning strategies for pouring water on the
scorched-earth fighter.
The Silent Grenade
IMPULSIVE, VOLATILE MIKE instil ed fear and dread in his peers and em-
ployees with unexpected explosions. New employees quickly learned
the whispered “storm ahead” warning from a passing coworker meant
“stay out of Mike’s way; he’s in a mood.” One icy glance from Mike si-
lenced even the most outspoken.
Mike didn’t blow up every day, and this made his outbursts more dif-
ficult. His coworkers would get used to the calm Mike and start to feel
secure. Then, they’d make a casual comment and watch in horror as
Mike’s jaw tightened and eyes darkened, signaling an impending erup-
tion. Eventual y, they found it easier to avoid casual comments.
“You get used to it,” Mike’s longer-term employees told the new hires.
“It’s sort of like living in a prison camp. Don’t get on the warden’s radar
and you’ll do fine.” Few employees lasted more than a year.
Silent grenades rule many individuals, and even entire work-
places, because employees, coworkers, and supervisors fear these bul-
lies will fly into an unstoppable rage. Stories abound of how one of
these tyrants pounded his fist through a wall or shook a peer so hard
his teeth rattled. Grenades destroy others’ morale and job satisfaction
by threatening impending tirades.
Chapter 14 presents strategies for defusing the silent grenade.
The Shape-Shifter
CAREN TYPIFIES the shape-shifter bul y. A charismatic, talented individ-
ual, Caren quickly impressed her new boss, who didn’t realize she’d hired
an opportunistic, manipulative backstabber until it was almost too late.
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Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins, and Other Bullies ❚ 39
Caren’s coworkers experienced her duplicity almost immediately.
“Girl, don’t mess with me,” Caren told Angelica when Angelica tried to
show her how to correctly save her files on the server.
“I was just trying to help you learn our systems,” said Angelica in
surprise.
“You stay out of my way and things will be just fine,” Caren snapped,
and Angelica retreated.
When Angelica went to the boss with her concerns, she was told “I’m
sure Caren didn’t mean what you thought; she’s just trying to learn on her
own. This cattiness is beneath you. I expect you to help her.” As Angel-
ica left her boss’s office, she almost bumped into Caren, who flashed a
smug smile.
“Caren, I can’t finish the team’s marketing report until I get your sec-
tion,” Tom said with a friendly smile as he stopped by Caren’s office.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to write anything,” countered Caren.
“It’s what I outlined to you yesterday,” said a puzzled Tom.
“I can’t do what you don’t tell me,” barked Caren in an irritated voice.
“If you have a minute, I’ll go over it again.”
“I don’t have time,” answered Caren flatly, turning back to her com-
puter screen.
Tom opened his mouth, shut it, and left. He didn’t mention anything
to their boss. When he submitted the report, the boss asked why he’d
left out Caren’s section. “I wasn’t able to get it from her,” answered Tom.
“But Tom, she gave me her draft yesterday. Next time, ask her,”
scolded his boss. Not sure how to tell the boss he’d tried without looking
like a fool, Tom left, his worries unspoken.
Always flattering to your face if you’re the boss, the shape-shifter
plays the charmer to those from whom she seeks opportunities and of
whom she intends to take advantage. These chameleon-like bullies
float through the workplace on power granted them by supervisors
who see only their fawning facade.
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40 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Those whom a shape-shifter views as beneath her, or from whom
she can gain nothing, soon feel her claws. When these coworkers call
the shape-shifter on her two-faced behavior, she responds with pro-
testing words that contradict her knowing eyes as she gives them a
“Cross me if you dare, I can take you out” smirk.
One by one, shape-shifter bullies establish their status in the
office pecking order even as they weaken their coworkers’ relation-
ships with the boss. By acting the model employee and pretending
coworkers misjudge or mistreat them, they successfully garner the
boss’s protection.
Although the boss finally caught on and fired Caren, the dam-
age had been done as Tom, Angelica, and others of her victims lost
respect for their boss.
Chapter 15 presents strategies on seeing through the shape-shifter.
The Narcissist Manipulator
tion; she set out to destroy head nurse Mol y, the other senior manager.
Not only did Mol y’s anguish not matter to Pauline, she didn’t even notice
it. When the managing physician fired Pauline, he told her that he held
her responsible for driving Mol y away. Pauline insisted she hadn’t: “Mol y
chose to resign.” And she believed it!
Narcissist bullies see the world through a lens of “me, only me”
and feel they’re inherently superior to others. They feel entitled to win
every contest, play by their own rules, and don’t mind making others
look stupid. Although they pursue their own needs without regard for
the impact on others or their organizations, they rapidly rise through
the ranks because they excel at selling themselves.
Behavioral and nonverbal clues reveal the narcissist bully. They
strut like peacocks with unfurled tail feathers. They make eye con-
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Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins, and Other Bullies ❚ 41
tact as if they’ve learned the technique but not the art. Preoccupied
with themselves and their ambitions, they lack empathy and when
you talk to them about your or others’ feelings, your words fall on
deaf ears. They resist any criticism; instead, they project their own
flaws onto others.
Do narcissist bullies regret stomping on your rights? No, you got
in their way and if you didn’t want to be trampled, you would have
been more careful. Narcissists break rules when doing so serves their
purpose, without worrying about the normal rules of decent behavior.
If
the narcissist bully hurts your feelings when she arrogantly devalues
you, does she notice? No, she considers it your problem that you’re so
easily offended.
In Chapter 16, I’ve outlined strategies for handling the narcissist
bully.
Wounded Rhino: Malevolent and Powerful
TECHNOLOGY MANAGER JACK, a large man at six foot three inches
tall and 290 pounds, ruled the nonprofit where he worked. When he was
displeased, his jaw thrust forward and he bel owed.
If you fell out of favor with Jack, things happened. Computer grem-
lins surfaced. Files went missing. Your maintenance or IT request went to
the bottom of the queue or disappeared. No one ever accused Jack of
sabotage—it wasn’t worth it.
If you asked Jack’s peers when they expected action after they put in
an IT request, they’d say, “Jack time.” Even the executive director backed
down when Jack hol ered, “You’ll have it when I get to it” if she reminded
him a certain report was due. Jack never responded to Outlook staff
meeting requests. Stil , the executive director couldn’t help asking, “Are
you going to make the staff meeting?” if she ran into Jack in the hal .
“Don’t have time,” he always said.
No one questioned Jack’s effectiveness; things ran smoothly—unless
someone ticked him off. “He’s a dragon, but I don’t know what we’d do
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42 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
without him,” said the executive director. “He knows our computer sys-
tem and equipment inside and out. We couldn’t afford to replace Jack’s
skil s if he ever decided to leave.”
Although the nonprofit’s accounting manager, Lexie, stayed out of
Jack’s way, she didn’t fear him. When Jack hol ered, she looked amused.
When she had computer issues, she cal ed her computer technician son
and had him fix them. If you asked Lexie why she paid for repairs out of
her own pocket, she said simply, “My son needs the money and I’m not
knuckling under.”
When the executive director announced her plan to retire, employ-
ees expected the board to select Lexie as the next executive director at
the upcoming meeting and looked forward to her promotion. Employ-
ees liked her firm, straightforward approach.
Fearing some staff members might resign, the executive director