what you think about this sweet, grandmotherly employee. “Tish
arrived at the scheduled 1 p.m. staff meeting at 1:50 p.m.; she was
apparently back late from lunch. She took a chair in the back row,
moved it two feet farther away, crossed her arms, and closed her
eyes. When I called on her to ask what she thought about the parking
agreement the staff had just made, she rolled her eyes and said, ‘How
the f--- should I know?’”
Does this fact-based documentation give you a new view of Tish?
Effective documentation tells the story without editorial comments
but with supporting detail.
4. Learn How to Negotiate
Although you may want senior management to accept what you say
and act immediately, the managers may wonder if you’re simply an
employee with a grudge. They have to consider the big picture also—
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The Right Way to Ask Managers and Others for What You Need ❚ 193
bullies often produce sterling results. Consequently, you need effective
negotiation skills.
The best negotiators begin by determining the outcomes they
want. What do you want most? Do you want upper management to
investigate the situation by interviewing other employees before firing
or disciplining the bully or do you hope to be moved to a position
where you’ll be immune from further bullying? Always establish your
ideal objectives, as negotiators tend to achieve results in proportion to
their expectations.
In addition to deciding what you want most, determine your bot-
tom line. You don’t need to tell senior management what this is, but
you’ll feel more grounded in your negotiation if you’ve decided the
minimum result you feel comfortable with and what you’ll do if you
don’t get it. This becomes your fallback position. For example, if man-
agement doesn’t act, will you simply ask for a well-worded letter of ref-
erence to enable you to seek a new position in another organization?
Knowledge is power in negotiations. Prior to meeting with any
senior manager, learn as much as you can about the manager and
his or her perspective. LinkedIn and other social media sites make
this relatively easy. For example, you may learn that your man-
ager frequents the Harvard Business Review forum on LinkedIn. If so, this manager might respond to a thoughtfully presented argument,
backed up by research. Who evaluates this senior manager and on
what basis? What matters more to this manager—high productivity
or low employee turnover? How does the manager benefit from tack-
ling this bully?
Ahead of the meeting, try to anticipate the objections a manager
may have to taking action based on what you present. You can then
include your counterargument when you meet—for example, “You
may be wondering whether my suggestion that you interview all
employees to learn what’s really going on will create a furor. I can
assure you that other employees with whom I’ve spoken will greet this
survey with relief.”
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194 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
If, instead of a senior manager, you’re planning to meet with a
coworker in the hope that you can get him to join forces with you,
what objections do you anticipate? How will you address them in
a way that doesn’t put your coworker on the defensive? Prepare in
advance what you might say to calm his fears.
Whenever you meet with a senior manager, begin with a state-
ment that establishes a positive context for the meeting. You might
start by saying, “I’ve very much enjoyed my five years working here
and feel great loyalty to the organization. I know also that you value
both employee morale and productivity.” Never present your ideas
for change in a way that seems motivated by self-interest. When you
couch what you say in terms of how it impacts the manager and the
organization, you make it more appealing.
Although you might be tempted to talk nonstop during your meet-
ing with the senior manager, rein yourself in. Monologues convince
no one and often lead the person you’re trying to convince to tune
you out.
Instead, intersperse questions with the facts. After all, what will
a senior manager believe more readily, what the manager says in
response to your questions, or what you say? By asking questions, you
also learn how the manager views what you’re saying.
When you ask questions, two words to avoid are why and did. Both lead to defensiveness. If you hoped a senior manager would have acted
sooner, perhaps when the bully ran off the last person in that position,
and you ask “What led you not to act?” you create a different feeling
than if you ask “Why haven’t you acted?” Regardless of your words,
keep your energy positive and nonjudgmental as you ask the question
so your manager doesn’t feel put on the spot.
If you thought this senior manager should have realized how
beaten down you and other employees were by your bully supervi-
sor when the manager sat in on a recent staff meeting, you might
ask, “What was your sense of what happened at the staff meeting
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The Right Way to Ask Managers and Others for What You Need ❚ 195
you attended?” This open-ended question will give you a different
response than if you ask, “Did you see what he did and how other
employees reacted?” Never imply criticism with your questions.
Questions such as “What leads you to see it that way?” or “Please
help me understand your reasoning” draw out your manager, allow-
ing you to learn the hidden objections you need to counter if your
manager is going to act as you hope.
Finally, you may want to ask your manager to keep the fact that
you sought assistance confidential or to offer you an assurance against
retaliation.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
You may not want to ask someone for support at this moment,
but have you ever wanted to ask for someone’s support? Did
you? Answer the fol owing questions based on that experience.
If your answer to the question is “No,” imagine what it might be
like if you did and answer the questions accordingly.
1. Who do you want to convince or whose support do you
need to enlist? What matters to this individual? What might
lead this person to want to help you?
2. If you plan to meet with a senior manager, you should out-
line the risks or liabilities the bul y creates.
3. Take a day to write or col ect documentation. Before you
give it to anyone, make sure it’s factual, specific, and objec-
tive. Then, review it. If you weren’t personal y involved in the
situation, would it convince you to act?
4. Select a senior manager or HR representative to whom you’ll
be presenting the information. Do an Internet search and
learn more about him or her.
5. Prepare for negotiation. What outcome do you hope to
achieve? What’s your bottom line; wh
at will you do if you
don’t achieve what you hope?
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196 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
6. What objections do you anticipate? How do you plan to
counter them?
7. Before you meet with a senior manager, create your open-
ing statement. What will you say that starts the meeting on a
positive note?
8. In the next week, eliminate the words why and did from
your vocabulary. Instead, start any questions you ask with
“What,” “How,” or “Can you tell me more.”
9. Ask a friend to role-play a senior manager. Provide your
friend with objections you anticipate and ask your friend to
make the meeting “hard on you.” By practicing the meeting
ahead of time, you’ll handle it better in real life.
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24
ANGER, THE BULLY, AND YOU
How few there are who have courage enough to own
their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.
—BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
WHEN CASSANDRA LEARNED the depth and breadth of what
character assassin Heather had told others about her, she
said she felt “so mad I could spit nails.” She called me for a coaching
session and vented with almost volcanic rage. “Let’s take a walk so
you can talk it out,” I suggested. We headed to Anchorage’s Coastal
Trail. Initially Cassandra yelled so loudly that birds flew from nearby
neared us.
To handle the bully in your work life, you may need to learn
to handle anger—the bully’s and yours. Bullies intimidate others
through anger and other types of overt aggression. When you finally
decide to stand up to a bully, you may lift the lid off a vat of buried
emotions and learn how angry you are—at both the bully and your-
self for taking the mistreatment for so long.
Anger differs from danger by only one letter.
HOW TO HANDLE A BULLY’S ANGER
Bullies use anger to intimidate. They off-load their stress by blow-
ing up at others. Bullies even justify this by saying, “I only got mad
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198 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
because you didn’t do what I told you to do” or “I yelled because you
didn’t listen.”
A bully’s anger may set off your fight-or-flight response. Never
fight aggression with aggression; it only throws gasoline on the fire.
Instead of counterattacking, use coastline breathing to calm your-
self and stop you from reacting precipitously. Arguing may make
you feel better in the short term, but it can lead to retaliation in the
long run.
Although you may want to exit a situation for your own safety
or to de-escalate a confrontation, retreat generally provides only a
short-term solution. Bullies often fixate on and come after targets. If
you’ve been on the run from a bully in your work life, you may need
to enlist the help of human resources or a senior manager, or learn to
stand firm.
Finally, never take a bully’s anger personally. It’s truly the bully’s
problem, not yours.
HOW TO MANAGE YOUR OWN ANGER
Targets often discover, to their chagrin, that they’re angry—at the
bully, at their organizations for placing them in harm’s way, and at
themselves for allowing a bully to trample on them.
When you smother anger and the accompanying resentment
under an “I’m not really bothered” facade, these negative emotions
turn inward and fester. Dwelling on how you’ve been bullied may
increase your anger. When you let yourself realize how truly angry
you are, you may be tempted to react impulsively.
Rein yourself in and translate your anger into action. Ask your-
self: What will fix the situation? What underlying issues need to be
addressed? It may help to talk the situation through with a trusted
adviser who can help you design constructive strategies or a game
plan you can implement.
Just as a pressure cooker has a safety valve, you may need some-
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Anger, the Bully, and You ❚ 199
one to whom you can express the depth of your anger, so it doesn’t
trip you up at work. Cassandra later told me that having a safe time
and place to vent allowed her to calmly give her convention speech
later that day.
It’s important to remember that refusing to show your anger
doesn’t mean you let the bully off the hook. As the saying goes, “Don’t
get mad, get even.”
ARE YOU A BULLY? (IF SO, HOW TO NOT BE ONE)
While reading earlier chapters, you may have wondered if you are
a bully. You may be. Here’s the good news: If you wonder if you’re a
bully, you’ve likely started on the road to not being one. Bullies are
made and can unmake themselves.
What Makes a Bully?
You may have become or act like a bul y because you:
Learned how to bul y from a parent
Need to win or don’t have other ways to get what you want
Feel justified in how you treat others
Are compensating for feeling less worthy than others
Are distracting yourself from examining the areas in yourself
that you need to fix by bul ying others
Where It All Began: What Made Them Bullies
Three real-life stories may help you look at yourself and how you
learned—and may be able to unlearn—your bullying patterns. You
selves, of their own history, delusional rationalizations, and prob-
lematic relationships resulting from their bullish behavior. Once you
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200 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
identify what made you a bully, you can decide whether or not to
remain one.
Andy, who bullied Suzanne, was raised by a weak parent who
gave in to his every whim. Like any other two-year-old, Andy threw
temper tantrums. When he did, he got whatever he wanted. Bullying
worked for Andy, and he kept it up.
When Annette refused to put up with Andy’s temper tantrums
and sent his stormy email to her supervisor and an HR manager, they
told Andy to cut it out, as Andy’s mom should have done. After that,
Andy toed the line when he interacted with Annette, although he con-
tinued bullying others whenever he could get away with it.
If you’re an Andy-type bully, you bully because you can get away
with it, and like the reward it provides.
As a child, Stevie watched her father abuse and intimidate her mother.
Although she often stepped between them to protect her mom, she
loved being daddy’s little girl. Because he spoke with authority, she
always believed what he told her. Her parents divorced when Stevie
was a preteen. Stevie idolized her father, who turned her into his sur-
rogate wife. He made up stories about her mother and she believed
; them, and held her mother responsible for the divorce. As a result,
Stevie bullied her mother and felt justified in doing so, and found that
it helped ease her own pain. Unwittingly, Stevie had modeled herself
on a bully and brought her bullying behaviors with her into the work-
place, where she used them on women who got in her way.
Bullies like Stevie learn bullying from parents they identify with,
who convince them bullying can be justified.
Silent grenade Mike was a self-confessed workplace bully, with no
intention of changing his ways. Instead, he expected others to feel
sorry for him when he told them, “My dad whipped me. I’ve got the
scars on my back to prove it. I can’t help who I am. I learned, early
on, that it is survival of the fittest.”
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Anger, the Bully, and You ❚ 201
Bullies like Mike grew up to bully others as they were bullied.
And you; are you a bully? If so, what made you one? Are you as much
of a prisoner of the way you treat others as your targets? Are the
rewards you garner worth the quality work relationships you’ll never
achieve? If you want to end your bullying career, realize that all the
reasons illustrated in these stories are just excuses.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. What real-life examples have you seen that involve angry
bul ies?
2. How has their anger and behavior affected you?
3. How has their anger and behavior affected others?
4. What did you or others do to cope? What worked? What
didn’t work? What did you learn?
5. What’s the best advice you can give someone who faces
an angry bul y?
6. Who or what are you angry at?
7. What will you do differently should you encounter an angry
bully?
8. What will you do differently with your own anger?
9. Do you know a bul y or do you fear you’re a bul y? What rea-
sons does this person have, or what reasons do you have?
10. What can you do to stop a bul y?
11. What does it take to stop a bul y on the part of the bul y?
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25
WHAT EVERY LEADER SHOULD
KNOW ABOUT BULLYING
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil
is for good men to do nothing.
—EDMUND BURKE