When you’re up against narcissist bullies, you can use the chinks in
their armor to take them out.
Tactic #1: Find Their Weak Spots and Exploit Them
First, narcissists crave the limelight. Their hackles go up immediately
when others receive praise or attention. This means they gun for pop-
ular individuals like Molly, and, if they take on the wrong individual,
they bite off more trouble than they can chew.
Second, narcissists can’t take criticism or any comments that
challenge their self-esteem. When she initially came aboard, Pauline
enjoyed the employees’ admiration while Molly handled employee
problems and took the brunt of their subsequent unhappiness. When
Pauline became the clinic’s sole administrator, she found herself the
target of employees with gripes.
Third, narcissists manipulate everyone. Sooner or later, either
someone with the power to fight back figures out she’s been “had”
and retaliates or those manipulated compare notes and realize what’s
going on. Narcissists, who expect others to idolize them, become
enraged when their cover is threatened.
Tactic #2: Collect Information; Build a Solid Case
THESE VULNERABILITIES LED to Pauline’s undoing. Gretchen, the low-
key, deceptively mousy-looking woman who ran the clinic’s accounting
and billing department, had welcomed Pauline into the clinic. Pauline
saw Gretchen as someone she could exploit, and cultivated this rela-
tionship. When Mol y retired, Pauline took Gretchen out to lunch and told
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
Pierce the Facade; Topple the Narcissist ❚ 145
Gretchen she planned to promote her now that the clinic was “mine, all
mine.”
Pauline’s glee disturbed Gretchen, as had Mol y’s premature depar-
ture and the continuing employee exodus. Unsure about voicing her
concerns, Gretchen prompted Pauline to talk about her “vision.” Like
other narcissists, Pauline enjoyed talking about herself.
Diligent and inquisitive by nature, Gretchen unobtrusively dug into
Pauline’s past. She learned Pauline had left two prior medical practices
on bad terms. Gretchen began patiently col ecting information from
current and former employees, promising to keep who said what confi-
dential. To each of them she said, “We built this clinic. We’re acting as if
this reign of terror is our new lot in life. Do we want it to go on this way?”
Gretchen prepared a spreadsheet for the physicians that contrasted
employee turnover prior to Pauline’s rise to power with turnover after she
assumed sole control. She presented it to the managing physician late
one afternoon on a day Pauline had left early.
He hurriedly cal ed a meeting of the physicians. Gretchen’s spread-
sheet shocked the physicians, who hadn’t put together the extent of the
employee exodus. While each physician had been aware that one or
two nurses and several front desk workers had quit, none of them had
realized the total number of nurses, lab technicians, admitting clerks,
and other support professionals who’d resigned. Pauline had instead
focused the physicians on the “superstars” she’d brought aboard.
Without mentioning names or specifics that would reveal her sources,
Gretchen also provided examples of what departing employees pri-
vately stated as their reasons for leaving. Gretchen begged the physi-
cians to avoid outing her to Pauline and admitted that she was close to
resigning herself. She also gave them an Internet-garnered description
of a narcissist, noting she’d circled phrases she’d personal y observed in
Pauline, including grandiosity, inability to take criticism, salesmanship,
self-absorption, and fury when others saw through their cover.
The physicians then met with Pauline and asked her questions. Pau-
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
146 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
line, unaccustomed to their scrutiny, flew into a rage, and accused them
of being weak-willed children.
After Pauline stalked out, the physicians admitted to each other that
they’d been bedazzled by Pauline and had shut their eyes and ears to
the damage she’d inflicted on employee morale. They hired a consul-
tant to conduct an independent employee survey and exit interviews
with former employees. The consultant’s report, along with legal advice,
led the physicians to give Pauline a severance package in exchange for
leaving.
When hiring managers ask me how to avoid hiring a narcissist, I sug-
gest detailed reference checks, which reveal bridges burned and ashes
scattered. Narcissists leave a trail. When interviewers find themselves
dazzled by an applicant, they need to ask themselves if the appli-
cant takes all the credit for a past organization’s success, or shares it
with others. They can ask applicants to describe a situation in which
they’ve demonstrated teamwork. Narcissists can’t, and instead talk
about their own extraordinary effort. They show disrespect for others
and blame others for problems rather than taking responsibility.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If you have not encountered a narcissist, imagine what it
would be like if you had, and answer the fol owing questions
accordingly.
1. Have you worked with narcissists?
2. How did they show their preoccupation with themselves?
3. How did they demonstrate their arrogance and their deval-
uation of others?
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
Pierce the Facade; Topple the Narcissist ❚ 147
4. How did they show their sense of entitlement to do whatever
they wished?
5. How did they demonstrate their tendency to hold grudges
or their sensitivity to slights?
6. How did their behavior affect you?
7. How did their behavior affect others?
8. How did their behavior impact organizational morale and
productivity?
9. What did you or others do to cope? What worked? What
didn’t?
10. Have you seen a narcissist attack another individual who
got too much credit or attention? What happened?
11. Have you met someone who double-talked as well as Pau-
line, looking good on the surface despite rottenness under-
neath? How did you figure it out?
12. Although Pauline temporarily took her “throne” with her ret-
inue in place, Gretchen toppled her. What characteristics
did Gretchen show that al owed her to succeed? Which of
those characteristics do you share?
13. Have you ever worked alongside a narcissist who dazzled
others with his/her tinsel?
14. What advice would you give to someone else facing a
narcissist?
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
17
TAKE DOWN THE RHINO
BEFORE IT CHARGES
Success is not measured by what you accomplish
but by the opposition you have encountered and
the cou
rage with which you have maintained the
struggle against overwhelming odds.
—ORISON SWETT MARDEN
WHEN KRIS, A LEAN, red-headed woman with slate-gray eyes,
took over the Alaska branch office of a Texas-based contract-
ing company, she knew Don would present a major chal enge. Not only
did Don, a craggy-faced giant, openly share his “women don’t belong
in the field” opinions with anyone who’d listen, but he also expected star
treatment.
The senior executive gave Kris her marching orders, “We expect you
to corral Don. We don’t want to lose him, but we can’t afford him acting
like an oil field Michael Jordan.”
On her first day, Kris held a managers’ meeting. Don failed to show.
“Thumbing his nose,” she thought. After the meeting, she sent Don a
meeting request message. He didn’t respond.
Kris’s temper simmered as she reviewed her options: wait him out or
go to his office. She marched toward the elevator, thinking “All right,
showdown at the O.K. Corral.”
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
Take Down the Rhino Before It Charges ❚ 149
REAL-WORLD TACTICS THAT WORK
Authoritative, forceful, mean-spirited wounded rhinos like Don count
on pushing other people’s buttons. If their targets react, the domineer-
ing rhinos charge and gore. Don had counted on Kris coming to his
office and Kris almost fell into his trap.
Tactic #1: Launch a Preemptive Strike
INSIDE THE ELEVATOR, Kris caught sight of her clenched jaw in the mir-
rored wal . She pushed the button for the first floor, exited the building,
and went to lunch. After lunch, she headed to one of the work sites Don
managed.
As she drove up in her red 2015 Mini Roadster, three guys on a smoke
break outside the building looked over as she exited her car. One gave
her a long wolf whistle. “Gentlemen,” Kris asked authoritatively, “is that
how you greet the new branch manager?”
“Oh, s---,” muttered one.
“What the hel ?” said another.
“Indeed,” announced Kris, “Call everyone into the lobby, right now,
for a meeting.”
Within six minutes, twenty men had assembled. “My name is Kris Wil-
liams and I wanted to meet you. In the next four weeks, I’ll visit every
Alaskan job site. I want to see firsthand what’s happening in the field
and give you a chance to put a face to a name. I have three initiatives,
which you’ll hear about in the coming months. None of them, however, is
as important as safety. We’ve had two lost-time incidents in the last three
months, and that’s two too many. Any questions?”
A murmured “No” swept through the crowd.
“Thank you, gentlemen. I’ll let you get back to work.” As Kris finished,
Don roared up in his Jeep and stomped through the lobby doors. The
men saw his storm cloud face and headed for the elevator or the stairs.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
150 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
“You visited my site,” Don snapped through tight lips. “Without asking
me?”
Kris rose to her full five-foot-six-inch height and calmly said, “You
missed the managers’ meeting and then apparently didn’t see my
meeting request. I figured you might be on-site.”
Don looked hot enough to light a cigarette. “Lady, you don’t need to
be in the weeds.”
“Devil’s in the details, Don. There’s a managers’ meeting every Mon-
day at 7 a.m. See you next week.”
Natural dominators, rhinos control others through deliberate
undermining, ill-temper, and calculated malevolence. Kris recog-
nized Don’s first two tactics: (1) disrespect evidenced by not showing up at the managers’ meeting and (2) pushing her button by not
responding to her meeting request.
She had no intention of letting Don run rampant. Her preemptive
strike worked. She’d rattled him.
Tactic #2: Strategize and Act Before You’re Gored
You’ll recall Lexie faced a rhino named Jack who ruthlessly sabotaged
her department in his battle to become executive director. Although
the employees favored Lexie for the ED position, and she had earlier
won many small private battles with Jack, the board wanted an ED
who could handle Jack and chose an outside candidate.
What should you do if you face a rhino? Strategize and act before
they charge, while they’re still testing you. Once they’ve decided to
take you out, rhinos gallop forward at thirty miles an hour, attacking
with vengeance and giving no quarter. You need to take the high
ground first, as Kris did on her first day—and each day after that—
until Don gave her grudging respect.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
Take Down the Rhino Before It Charges ❚ 151
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If you have not encountered a rhino, imagine what it would be
like if you had, and answer the fol owing questions accordingly.
1. Have you ever worked with or around a rhino? What did the
rhino do and how did it affect you?
2. How did the rhino’s behavior affect others?
3. How did their behavior affect morale and productivity?
4. What did you or others do to cope? What worked? What
didn’t?
5. What trap did Kris almost fall into?
6. What will you do differently in the future if you face a rhino?
7. What advice would you give to someone facing a rhino?
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
18
UNDOING A CHARACTER
ASSASSIN’S WOUNDS TO YOUR
REPUTATION
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has
the courage to lose sight of the shore.
—ANDRE GIDE
WHIPPET THIN AND DRESSED for battle in a tailored red suit,
cream silk blouse, and red suede pumps, Heather wore her
air of superiority as obviously as her strut proclaimed it. She cared about
one thing, and one thing only, and that was Heather. She loved power
and money. To her, that required establishing her reputation as the num-
ber one real estate agent in her city. Cassandra, long acknowledged as
the city’s leading authority on real estate matters, was the only obstacle
in her way. Heather set out to destroy Cassandra’s reputation among
buyers, sel ers, the media, and others in the real estate community.
Like many character assassins, Heather established a relationship
with her target, fawning over Cassandra’s accomplishments to her face
while plotting to stick a reputation-slashing knife in her back.
Heather used LinkedIn to scope out Cassandra’s connections, and
linked to each of them, flattering them with complimentary introductions
and inviting them to lunch. Most of them agreed. If they begged off,
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
Undoing a Character Assassin’s Wounds to Your Reputation ❚ 153
she delivered banana nut muffins and cappuccinos to their offices, first
checking with their receptionists to determine whether they preferred
&
nbsp; caffeinated or decaffeinated beverages. Once Heather established a
relationship with them, she passed along discrediting rumors about Cas-
sandra at the same time as she pretended to admire her.
Heather worked her other connections to establish herself in the
media spotlight. Her best friend from high school worked as a television
reporter and featured her regularly in spots about real estate news.
Heather cultivated relationships with other women whose assistance
she anticipated needing—a newspaper reporter, a public relations guru,
and several leaders in the title and banking industry. These women met
monthly and cal ed themselves “the gang of seven.” They dedicated
themselves to helping each other realize their ambitions.
Heather attended every real estate or title insurance industry lunch-
eon. Smiling, she quietly yet ruthlessly told agents about nasty remarks
Cassandra supposedly made about them. Because these title and real
estate agents saw Heather and Cassandra greet each other as friends in
public, they swal owed Heather’s stories, and cold-shouldered Cassandra.
Heather’s friend, an IT guru, helped her create alternate Hotmail,
Facebook, and Yahoo accounts she used to post defaming stories,
al egedly from disgruntled buyers and sel ers, about Cassandra.
A REAL-WORLD TACTIC THAT WORKS
Character assassins act without remorse, knocking others down so
they can feel taller. Like many targets, Cassandra felt overwhelmed
by the negativity swirling throughout her work community. When
she attended industry functions, and individuals she had considered
friends cold-shouldered her, she wondered what she’d done wrong.
She cringed when she logged on to social media and saw postings
criticizing her. At first, she wanted to retreat.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
154 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Launch a Counterattack
If a character assassin targets you, you can’t run or hide. You can’t
afford to take assassins’ gibes personally or signal that they’ve hurt
you. To do so only emboldens them. Instead, you need to mount a
counteroffensive.
When Cassandra called me, I suggested she take heart from the
fact that her connections called to let her know what they’d heard
instead of worrying about how much of the mud adhered to her repu-