Finding You

  “I don’t ever want to speak to you again.”

  “What if I promise to be nice to your true love?”

  “Maybe if you’re especially sweet.” He’s definitely improving, but he grips my arm as we walk and clenches his teeth every so often at the pain. “You should probably be resting,” I say. He glances at me and rolls his eyes.

  “I’m fine. I’ll be ready to leave any day now.”

  My vision gets blurry suddenly. “Don’t say that yet.” He stops and looks at me. “Just let me pretend you’re staying for a little while, all right?”

  “I thought you were coming with me,” he says, smiling slightly. He brushes the side of my face with the backs of his fingers, snagging a tear before it can fall. “You’re my partner, remember? I don’t have any other family until I find Lillian.”

  I wrap my arms around Des and bury my face in his shoulder. What will happen when he finds her? Will we go our separate ways and never see each other again?

  He startles me by pulling away abruptly. “Nope,” he says. “Let’s not do emotions yet, hmm? I’m no good at those.” He’s smiling one of his many smiles, the one that makes him look like a little boy.

  I offer my arm again. “Sure.” Then I remember. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

  Des’s face darkens. “Someone’s here from the city, so Marion went to find out what the news is. Swain sent word that we should keep out of sight. They’re all waiting at the infirmary.”

  twenty-three

  Val meets us at the infirmary door, looking stricken. “Stay inside,” she says, ushering us in. I look around at the others, confused. The little room where Des’s cot is set up is empty besides our group. Des takes a seat, wincing.

  “What’s the news?” I ask, looking at Marion. “Something about Curram?”

  “Boyne was here,” she says, her voice hollow.

  “Here?” We’re not safe after all. I won’t go back to Curram’s cellar.

  Marion nods. “He came to speak to Alistair, with a dozen men. He must be looking for us. Either he thinks we’re a threat to Curram’s reputation, maybe, or—”

  “Or he wants revenge,” I finish for her. Silence settles over our group.

  “Did he see any of us?” Valentina asks. “Does he know we’re here?”

  “Not as far as I know.”

  “What should we do?” Val’s face is pale, her knuckles white where they’re gripping the side of the cot she’s sitting on.

  Jewel clears her throat. “Well, we’re not staying here any longer,” she announces.

  Caddy nods. “That man, Abraham, said there’s a group leaving tonight,” she explains, “and we told him we want to join them. They go to different cities, not just Verity.”

  “What will you do?” I ask.

  “Can’t go back to the orphanage.” Caddy shrugs. “We thought it would be safe here, but if Boyne can walk in at any moment … We’ll find work, don’t worry, selling flowers or something.”

  Jewel snorts. “We can find something better than flowers,” she says.

  I picture them alone and vulnerable in a city again. “But you’ll look after one another? You’ll be careful?”

  They glance at each other. “Always have,” Jewel says, as if it’s obvious. It wasn’t enough last time, I think, but I don’t say it.

  “Maybe we’ll see you sometime,” Caddy says, taking my hand and squeezing it gently.

  “I’d like that,” I say, but I know I don’t sound hopeful.

  Before I know what’s happening, she wraps me in a long, tight embrace. “I’ll miss you, Isla,” she murmurs. Laughing, Jewel joins the hug for just a moment.

  “All right, that’s enough for me,” she says, letting go, then straightening her dress and looking uncomfortable as Caddy hugs Valentina and Marion in turn. Then she turns serious for a moment. “We won’t forget what you did for us, Isla. Thank you.” I try to smile, but everything is blurry.

  I could go with them. I could go back home, to Pa and safety. And maybe I could convince Tam that he really is unfit for duty, that he should come with me. We could go back to the way things were. But deep down I know we can’t, not really. I know things won’t ever be the same again. Curram is still out there, with no justice in sight. And I still don’t know where to find Lillian. “Would you do me a favor?” I ask, and the girls nod. I rummage around in the satchel from Curram’s study, which is stored under Des’s cot, and hand my letter to Caddy. “Would you mail this to my pa? I don’t know when I’ll be back. I can give you money to post it—”

  “We never left the money for the food,” she blurts out, looking at the ground.

  “Caddy,” hisses Jewel, but it’s too late.

  “We didn’t steal much, you saw,” she goes on, her face darkening slightly.

  “Leavin’ the money like you said would have been ridiculous,” Jewel says, crossing her arms. “Anyone could ’ave found it.” Valentina looks mortified at having eaten stolen food, and Phoebe and Des are smirking.

  “Well, take a bit more to help you get home,” I say, rifling around in the satchel again.

  Jewel accepts the coins gratefully. “Anyone else?” We all look around at each other, but no one speaks up. “Well. We’ve got to let them know we’re coming.” She stands, and Caddy follows her.

  “Be careful out there!” Valentina calls after them, and the room is quiet again.

  After a long silence, Phoebe arches her back, looking around at each of us. “What do you think Swain told Boyne?” It’s the question none of us wants to think about.

  “He promised we were safe here,” Marion says, but her words don’t hold the same conviction they used to.

  “We’re not really safe until Curram is dead,” Phoebe counters. “And probably Boyne also. We can’t sit here like fish in a barrel and just wait for Swain to decide we’re worth more as bargaining chips.”

  “Maybe we can talk to him again,” I say, trying to be hopeful. “And if he won’t help us this time, we’ll do something on our own.” I square my shoulders. “At least, I will. None of you have to help me.”

  “I’m not sitting around any longer than I have to,” Phoebe says, guffawing.

  One of the nurses pokes her head in, surprising us. “There’s someone here with a message for you,” she says, looking around. “From Mister Swain. Should I send her in?”

  At least it isn’t Boyne, I think, nodding.

  A girl appears. She’s around my age and dressed to blend in with the forest like so many here. “Which one of you is Isla?” she asks, and I raise my hand. “Mister Swain requires your presence first thing tomorrow morning.”

  My mouth hangs open; the others stare at me. “J-just me?”

  “That’s what he said.”

  “Thank you.” When she’s gone, I look around in confusion. “Why only me?”

  “You’re the one Curram probably has a vendetta against,” Val supplies, sounding nervous. “Maybe Boyne asked for you?”

  “You can’t go up there alone,” Des argues, shaking his head. “What if he’s still here? What if Alistair made some sort of trade, and he’s giving you back?” I’ve already thought of all that, I think, fear pricking my thoughts.

  “I’ll go with you,” Phoebe says. “It can’t hurt.”

  We all nod, our discomfort thick in the air. Outside, the light is turning orange from the setting sun. “I’m going to find us something to eat,” Val announces, slipping past me and into the main part of the infirmary. I was hungry a second ago, I think.

  A chill creeps over me, and I hug Tam’s coat more tightly around myself. Summer must be nearing its end.

  “What did Tam mean about you making friends here?” Des asks suddenly. “Didn’t he know I was one of the ones who came with you?”

  “I haven’t told him … everything.”

  “Haven’t told him about me? Or…?”

  “No,” I say slowly. “About any of it.” Des opens his mouth, so
I hurry to add, “Yet. I haven’t told him everything yet. I will. I just didn’t tell him about Curram exactly, or my hand, or … or…”

  I can feel their eyes on me. Des looks stern. “What did you tell him, then? Why does he think you’re here, Isla?”

  “Tam knows about the kidnappings, and the people who sold and bought the girls, and that I’m trying to find out what happened to the others, to get justice.”

  “But not that you were one of them.”

  Hesitant, I shake my head.

  Phoebe glares at me. “This is because of what Valentina said, isn’t it? You’re scared that he’ll—”

  “It’s not just that!” I say, wringing my hands. “It isn’t easy, telling someone what happened, when I knew him before and I—”

  “What did I say?” Val is standing in the doorway, balancing bowls of stew in her arms.

  Phoebe is shaking her head vehemently. “He’s your best friend, Isla. I’ll tell him if I have to. He needs to know what happened to you.”

  Val’s eyes widen. “Tam doesn’t know?”

  “You’re the one who said ‘damaged goods,’ Val!”

  She looks down at this, and I feel like I should apologize, but I don’t. I storm outside, resting against the cool stones of the infirmary building. I don’t know, I don’t know.

  Tam would want to know what happened to me, I argue with myself. It would be ridiculous to keep it from him. My hand slips into my pocket, fingering the locket.

  But what if he thinks something is wrong with me?

  I can’t make the voices go away.

  A moment later, Val joins me.

  “I—I know I said I’d never tell anyone what happened, but Tam is different. Of course he’ll understand. He’ll probably be more upset if you don’t tell him. Look at you; he let you keep his coat. He cares about you, Isla.”

  “And Marion’s family doesn’t care about her?” I mean to throw the words at Val as a rebuttal, but they come out small and quiet. “Her father can’t look at her, you heard her. And she got away clean. I couldn’t bear it if”—I feel my throat closing up, but I don’t want to cry—“if Tam thought something was wrong with me, if he saw me as broken.”

  Val looks at her feet. “We’re all broken, Isla.”

  I swallow, blinking at the trees. “You know when you’re having a good dream,” I say, “and you feel yourself waking up, so you try to stay asleep?” Valentina nods. “I’m trying to hang on to the person that I was before all of this happened. Not that everything was easy, but at least I knew who I was, you know? I went to school every day, and I had Tam and Pa. I was happy.

  “Now I feel like I’m losing that person, or I already have. My old life is like a dream, and the harder I try to grasp at it, the faster it slips away. Even if I somehow make Curram pay for what he did to us, how will I be myself again after that? Maybe I’ll stay angry and hurt forever, and never heal, even if I get justice.” But if I pretend that none of it happened, if I leave things unfinished, will my pain be worthless in the end? Without justice, will everything I suffered be meaningless?

  Valentina’s eyes are wet. She can never go back to her old life, I think, remembering Davey, who’s gone forever. “Maybe, eventually, there will be more good news than bad memories,” she says. She takes my hands, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “Do you really want to go back? Was the old Isla so much better than the new one, who saved so many lives and wants to save more? You’re brave, Isla, and stronger than you know. I don’t know what you were like before they took you, but going back means losing something, too. Maybe there are girls like us who haven’t figured out how to save themselves yet. Maybe the only way they’ll ever be free is if you go forward instead.” She smiles, though it’s dark enough now that I can’t see her well.

  “I need some sleep,” I say, suddenly exhausted. “Will you tell the others where I’ve gone?”

  She nods, and we go in opposite directions. When I find the tent that Phoebe and I are sharing, I crawl inside and wrap one of the quilts around me. The ground is hard, full of ruts I can feel through the blankets, but I’m too tired to care.

  Tam has never made me feel worthless, even with all of his teasing about my reading and shyness. This won’t be any different, will it?

  And Alistair Swain. What does he want to see me for? Why not all of us? Has Boyne already left Eisendrath, or is he lurking here still? Will he be waiting for me in the morning, to take me back?

  * * *

  Morning sunlight is seeping through the tent fabric when I wake.

  Lying still for a moment, I sift through my dreams to remember where I am. Beside me, Phoebe is asleep on her stomach, her face buried in her arms. I pull off my blanket and crawl outside. In the early-morning light, Eisendrath is almost peaceful. The air is full of the smells of pine sap and cook fires and the salty sea, and the trees are tall and lush, if a little bowed by the ocean winds.

  Valentina is already awake, stirring a pot of porridge that sits toward one side of the fire. She smiles tentatively at me, and I do my best to return it, despite the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of the morning’s uncertainties. The porridge is flavorless and burns my tongue when I try it, but I force it down, hoping some of my sharp edges will round out if I keep eating.

  “Can you tell Phoebe I’ll be back, that I haven’t forgotten?” I ask Val, heading off in the direction of the barracks.

  The walk is a familiar one by now, and it feels too short. “I need to tell you something, and you need to promise you won’t be upset,” I rehearse aloud. But that’s ridiculous, he’ll be upset no matter what. “You need to promise to hear me through,” I correct myself. Why is this so hard?

  My stress is all for nothing, though; Tam’s unit is on a training run in the woods and won’t be back until the afternoon. “Can you tell Tam Lidwell I’m looking for him?” I ask the man sitting at Harlen’s desk with all of the schedules. He looks irritated, so I add, “It’s very important; I’m on my way to speak to Alistair Swain about the matter first.” Reluctantly, he nods.

  As I make my way back to camp, relief pulls me one way, and tension another. If I don’t tell him soon, I never will.

  Phoebe is standing by the fire when I return, smoothing her dress and tucking her hair behind her ears. “Ready?” she says, sounding more eager than I feel. “If we don’t come back…,” she says, trailing off dramatically and looking around at the other girls. By Valentina’s face, it’s clear she doesn’t approve of the joke.

  “Be careful,” she says, and Phoebe and I start on our way. But Val’s words from the night before ring in my head. I can’t let all of this be for nothing. I have to go forward.

  When we reach Alistair Swain’s office, we’re let in by a gruff woman who replies to my questions with little more than grunts. Alistair sits behind his desk, watching with narrowed eyes as Phoebe and I approach. Another chair has been brought in, one that looks as if it used to be regally upholstered, but the velvet has since worn thin, and clumpy cotton, yellow with age, is peeping through the seams. Alistair makes no move to provide another chair for Phoebe, nor does he comment on her attendance.

  “Please, take a seat,” he says.

  “I’d prefer to stand.”

  He continues to study me, and I stare back. “You intrigue me, Isla,” he says. “You’re the mastermind of that little group, aren’t you?”

  “I’d hardly say m-m-mastermind,” I stammer.

  “You’re driven. I wonder if the same can be said for all of your friends.”

  I don’t answer.

  For a long, awkward moment we wait for the other to speak. “When we met, Isla, you seemed very bent on bringing Zachariah Curram to justice.”

  “Did you call me here to tell me that Boyne is looking for us? Or to hand me over to him? Because I’m guessing it’s not that you’ve had a change of heart in the past day and want to help us after all.” I can barely keep the bitterness from my voice.


  “Then you’d be wrong,” Alistair says. “As a matter of fact, I think I’ve found a way that we can help one another.” Phoebe and I glance at each other. “You’re correct that Josiah Boyne paid me a visit yesterday, and with a message from his master. He is, in fact, searching for you still, and thought Eisendrath as likely a place as any for a group of runaways to end up. He asked me if I had recently sheltered any new recruits, and he described your motley crew.” He presses his hand over his eyes, sighing. “His master doesn’t trust me, I can feel it. I think he believes I’m harboring you out of ill will. Perhaps because I left his little party earlier than he had expected.” I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

  “What did you tell Boyne in response?” I ask, my voice tight.

  “Nothing yet.” Alistair settles back in his chair with his arms folded behind his head, watching me. “I told Boyne I would look into it, ask my men. He left me with an interesting proposition, actually. By his master’s reckoning, you and your friends stole some of his property, which I’ll take to mean yourselves, but he says he’ll be lenient. He claims to have something of great value to your friend who deals the cards, Mister Morrisay, I believe, and said that he’d be willing to make an exchange.” My breath catches.

  “Des’s sister, I’m sure that’s what he means. What does he want in return?”

  Alistair watches me very carefully. “He described you, Isla, and said that he would trade your debt for hers.”

  I feel as if everything is spinning. “M-me,” I say.

  Alistair nods. “I’d like to know what you did to make Zachariah Curram so hell-bent on getting you back,” he says, looking almost like he’ll smile.

  “I cut his face with his shaving razor when he tried to rape me, and then knocked him out with a bust of his own head.” Alistair surprises me by laughing.

  “If I’d been inclined to turn you in, that might have swayed me,” he says, a scheming glint in his eyes. It’s the most at ease I’ve seen him. I feel a swell of pride that he thinks well of me, and suddenly I understand why people follow him. Despite everything, his approval feels like a prize.