Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1, Page 5
Lucretia P. Hale
seems thatthe gentle artist in making enemies had not paid his dues and wasdunned for them in vain. He either took no notice of requests for asettlement, or replied to them with his usual airy mockery. Finallythe secretary wrote to him:
_"Dear Mr. Whistler_--It is not a Nocturne in Purple, or a Symphony inBlue and Gray, that we are after, but An Arrangement in Gold andSilver."
This drew forth the required pounds and shillings.
* * * * *
Here is another story typical of the great maker of enemies:
Whistler had a French poodle of which he was extravagantly fond. Thepoodle was seized with an affection of the throat, and Whistler hadthe audacity to send for the great throat specialist Mackenzie.
Sir Morell, when he saw that he had been called in to treat a dog,didn't like it much, it was plain. But he said nothing. He prescribed,pocketed a big fee, and drove away.
The next day he sent post-haste for Whistler; and Whistler, thinkinghe was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, droppedhis work and rushed like the wind to Mackenzie's.
On his arrival Sir Morell said gravely:
"How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having myfront door painted."
* * * * *
A story is told of a very popular cavalry officer. He was being triedfor drunkenness, and among other witnesses was his Irish orderly. Thecourt, anxious to give the officer every chance, put several questionsto this witness with a view of eliciting any facts that might be inhis master's favor. When the orderly said that his master, on going tobed, had expressed a wish to be called early, the members of thecourt-martial were distinctly pleased.
A man who gave special instructions to be called early could not,surely--they argued to themselves--have been drunk. Hoping to getfavorable particulars, the judge advocate put a further question.
"And why did the major wish to be called early?" he asked.
"Faith, an' he tould me it was because he was to be Queen of the May,"came the answer.
That settled it.
* * * * *
A college professor, noted for his concentration of thought, returnedhome from a scientific meeting one night, still pondering deeply uponthe subject that had been discussed. As he entered his room he heard anoise that seemed to come from under the bed.
"Is there some one there?" he asked absently.
"No, professor," answered the intruder, who knew of his peculiarities.
"That's strange," muttered the professor. "I was almost sure I heardsome one under the bed."
* * * * *
Fond Mother--"Jane, has Johnny come home from school yet?"
Jane--"I think so. I haven't seen him, but the cat is hiding under thestove."
* * * * *
Somebody told Mr. Jenks that red flannel worn next to the skin wouldcure the rheumatism from which he suffered. So he purchased severalsets of red flannel undergarments. The clerk assured him that the firmguaranteed the goods in every particular. About two months later, saysthe New York "Times," Mr. Jenks revisited the shop, sought out theproprietor and told his woful story.
"The goods are the best in the house," declared the proprietor. "Ofcourse," he said, in a reasonable tone used on unreasonable persons,"of course the shirts may have shrunk or faded a little--"
"Shrunk! Faded!" bellowed Mr. Jenks. "What do you think my wife saidto me, when I came down to breakfast yesterday with one of them on?"
The proprietor looked bored.
"Well, sir," said the aggrieved Jenks, "she looked at me a minute, andthen said, 'What is that little red line round your neck John? Itisn't the baby's string of coral beads, is it?'"
* * * * *
"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I'm out."
"I'll be good for a nickel," replied Tommy.
"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you can not be a sonof mine unless you are good for nothing."
* * * * *
Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last springhe went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods wereshipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes ofgoods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened tolook at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer.A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and askedwhat was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to aninscription on the box which read as follows:
"Bill inside."
* * * * *
Customer--"Are these five or six wedding rings all you have in stock?Why, you've got a whole trayful of engagement rings."
Jeweler--"Yes, sir, and it will take that whole trayful of engagementrings to work off those five or six wedding rings."
* * * * *
They were newly married and on a honeymoon trip. They put up at askyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt indisposed, and the bride saidshe would slip out and do a little shopping.
In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a littleawed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was sure ofher own and tapped gently on the panel.
"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered.
No answer.
"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still noanswer.
"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in."
There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold andfull of dignity, came from the other side of the door:
"Madame, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom."
* * * * *
Leigh Hunt was asked by a lady at dessert if he would not venture onan orange. "Madam," he replied, "I should be happy to do so, but I amafraid I should tumble off."
* * * * *
Mrs. Prattle looked at her visitor with reproach in her wide blueeyes. "Talk," she said eagerly, "our baby talk? Well, I guess he can.He's three months younger than my cousin's boy and he's a year aheadof him in language. You know often people tell you their children cansay things, and when you hear them you have to work hard with yourimagination to tell what they're saying.
"Now, there's my cousin's baby--the one I spoke of. They declare thatchild has a vocabulary of fifteen words, but, my dear, if you couldhear him. He says 'bay' for bread, and 'flis' for fish, and 'cang' forcandle, and 'hort' for horse, and 'apa' for father. Now I'll tryHarold with those very words, and you'll see the difference.
"Say bread, Harold--bread--bre-e-ad."
"Wed," said the baby.
"Now say fish, fi-sh."
"Whish," said the baby.
"And now horse," said Harold's mother. "Horse--ho-orse, ho-r-se."
"Woss," said the baby.
"And now will precious say father, fa-ather, fa-a-ar-ther?"
"Wahwah," said the baby.
"There, you see!" cried Mrs. Prattle in triumph. "He seems to catchthe sound of every word. Now say good-by, darling, and then nursewill take you upstairs. Good-by--goo-ood-by-y-y."
"Wy wy," said the baby.
* * * * *
The superintendent of a Sunday-school class in Philadelphia recentlycalled upon a visitor to "say a few words" to the class, the membersof which are mostly children of tender age.
The visitor, a speaker well known for his verbose and circumlocutorymode of speech, began his address as follows:
"This morning, children, I purpose to offer you an epitome of the lifeof St. Paul. It may be perhaps that there are among you some too youngto grasp the meaning of the word 'epitome.'
"'Epitome,' children, is in its signification synonymous withsynopsis."
* * * * *
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the lastseason's hats at a
very moderate price. It was a big whitepicture-hat.
"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'dlook jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
* * * * *
A few years ago the celebrated Potter family, of which Bishop Potterwas a member, held a reunion the chief feature of which was a banquet.During the banquet the various heads of the different families ofPotters arose and gave a short account of the pedigrees and deeds oftheir ancestors and each head seemed to be able to demonstrate thattheir branch was the oldest and most renowned. After all the speakershad finished, Honorable William M. Evarts, who was
